Zombie Bums from Uranus (12 page)

‘At least I'm still here,' said Gran.

‘Oh, well, relax everybody!' said Eleanor, throwing her arms in the air. ‘The Pincher's here!'

‘That sarcasm is uncalled for, soldier!' said Gran.

‘My name's Eleanor!' snapped Eleanor.

Gran looked shocked. ‘If I'd spoken to my superiors like that in my day . . .'

‘Well it's not your day, is it?' said Eleanor. ‘Things have changed. We've moved on. The old ways don't work anymore.'

‘I wouldn't be so sure of that,' said Gran, drawing her fingers up to her eye. ‘There's still a lot of pinch left in these fingers yet!'

‘Sure,' said Eleanor, ‘but pinching doesn't work against the zombie bums. No matter how hard you pinch a zombie bum it just reforms.'

‘Gran,' said Zack, desperate to stop the two bum-fighters bickering, ‘remember you were telling me how you formed the world's first bum-fighting team? Where are the other members now?'

Gran drew in her breath. ‘You mean the Forker and the Flicker?' she asked.

‘Yes!' said Zack. ‘Why don't we contact them?'

‘Good idea!' said Gran, growing excited. ‘We could get the old gang back together! Just like the good old days! Teach you young kids a trick or two!'

‘Great!' said Zack, feeling hope for the first time in quite a while. ‘So where are they?'

Gran looked at him blankly. ‘I've got no idea,' she said. ‘I don't even know if they're still alive, to tell you the truth. Last I heard they were at the Bum-fighters' Retirement Home, but that was a long time ago . . .'

‘Can you take us there?' said Zack.

Gran thought. ‘I think so,' she said.

Eleanor rolled her eyes. ‘I can't see how a bunch of superannuated bum-fighters past their use-by date are going to help us,' she said.

‘Got any better ideas?' said Zack.

Eleanor shrugged.

‘Then let's go,' he said.

J
ames Freeman could hardly contain his excitement as the bum-mobile touched down on the spongy brown surface of Uranus.

He pressed his nose against the windscreen and peered out.

Ever since he'd been a little boy he'd dreamed of travelling to other planets.

And now it had finally happened.

Of course the planets he'd dreamed of travelling to had been quite different from this one. The planets in his dreams had been incredible places full of exotic plants, extraordinary life forms and awesome landscapes.

As far as James could see, however, the only incredible thing about Uranus was its overwhelming dullness. It was distinctly lacking in exotic plants and extraordinary life forms, and the only awesome feature of the landscape was that it had no awesome features.
There was nothing but brown sludge stretching from one end of the planet to the other.

Still, to James Freeman, it was better than nothing.

At least he was on another planet.

To Judi Freeman, however, it was worse than anything.

There was only one planet she wanted to be on, but it was almost two-and-a-half billion kilometres away.

‘Let's go and explore!' said James. He pushed himself up out of his seat and fell flat on his face on the floor.

Judi shook her head. ‘Are you all right?' she said. ‘Don't forget that on Uranus you're four times heavier than you are on Earth. You're going to have to slow down a little.'

‘Of course I knew that,' said James, picking himself up off the floor with great difficulty. ‘I was just demonstrating how dangerous it was for your benefit.'

Judi nodded. ‘Thank you, James, that's very thoughtful of you. Would you like a hand up?'

James stretched out his hand. Judi grabbed it and pulled him upright.

‘So what are we waiting for?' said James, moving slowly towards the hatch. ‘Let's go!'

‘Not so fast,' said Judi. ‘We need to take a reading on the rectometer before we even
think
about going out there.'

James sighed. He knew Judi was right.

He sat down in the pilot's seat and grabbed hold of a small lever which operated a telescopic rectometer on the outside of the bum-mobile. It measured the intensity of a given smell according to the Rectum scale. ‘A bum-fighter's best friend!' read the inscription along
its side. James watched as the rectometer extended out of the nose of the bum-mobile.

When it was fully extended he pressed the button on top of the lever marked ‘READ'.

Almost immediately the rectometer began flashing and emitting a piercing alarm. James hit the button marked ‘OFF' but there was no response.

The needle on the dial in the cockpit indicating the strength of the stench was spinning wildly.

‘Shut it down!' yelled Judi, her fingers in her ears. ‘We'll end up deaf!'

‘I can't!' yelled James.

They watched helplessly as the rectometer on the outside of the ship began to melt.

Finally there was silence.

‘What do you think it means?' said Judi.

‘That we need a new rectometer,' replied James.

‘Very funny,' said Judi. She leaned forward and studied the broken dial. ‘Clearly the smell out there is pretty bad. Maybe we shouldn't go out.'

‘Are you kidding?' said James. ‘I didn't come all this way just to look out the window!'

‘But there's nothing out there!' said Judi. ‘Nothing but sludge as far as you can see and a stench so intense it sent the rectometer into meltdown.'

‘We don't know that the rectometer didn't just malfunction,' said James. ‘But we do know that there is
something
out there. Something that caused the planet to explode and I'm going to find out what it is, whether you want to come or not.'

‘Okay,' said Judi. ‘But we're wearing the 200 per cent stench-proof suits. And nose-pegs.'

‘I hate nose-pegs,' said James. ‘They hurt.'

‘Stop complaining and just put them on,' said Judi, handing James two bright red pegs. ‘I'm going to take a perfume bomb as well, in case we need to clear the air.'

James groaned. ‘I hate perfume bombs even more than I hate nose-pegs. Last time you let one off I smelt like a girl for a week.'

Judi rolled her eyes. ‘When are you going to grow up, James?' she said. ‘We're not going for a walk in the park. We're going for a walk on Uranus!'

‘Ouch!' said James.

‘I meant the planet,' sighed Judi.

At last James and Judi were fully suited up in their extra-vehicular bum-fighting 200 per cent stench-proof suits, looking more like nuclear power plant workers than bum-fighters.

‘Can you hear me?' said James, testing the radio link between their helmets.

‘Loud and clear,' said Judi, handing him a couple of extra pegs. ‘You'd better take these. You might need them.'

‘Thanks,' said James, taking the pegs and putting them in his top pocket.

Judi nodded and smiled. ‘Let's go,' she said.

She pressed the hatch release and they climbed out on top of the bum-mobile.

Neither of them was prepared for quite how horrible it was.

Or how smelly.

It literally took their breath away.

In fact, the stench was so strong that even though they were wearing nose-pegs and 200 per cent stench-proof suits they could still smell it.

But to Judi, the most remarkable thing about the stench was that it wasn't just methane.

Mixed in was the faint, but distinct, smell of meat cooking.

‘I know this sounds crazy,' said Judi. ‘But can you smell a barbeque?'

James nodded. ‘Yes!' he said. ‘But how is that possible?'

‘I don't know,' said Judi. ‘There's a lot I don't know about Uranus.'

‘That makes two of us,' said James, smirking.

‘I meant the
planet
,' said Judi.

‘So did I,' said James.

James turned around slowly, scanning the horizon until he located a thin plume of grey smoke in the distance coming from a crater.

‘Look,' said James pointing. ‘Over there.'

Judi shifted her gaze to where he was pointing. ‘What do you think it is?'

‘I don't know,' said James. ‘But I think it's what we're looking for.'

James climbed carefully down the ladder on the side of the bum-mobile.

‘This is one small step for man,' he said solemnly as his foot was about to touch the planet. ‘One stinky step for mankind.'

James jumped lightly off the bottom of the ladder.

Immediately, he sank down into soft brown sludge, almost up to his knees.

‘Aaagghh!' he said, with a horrified expression on his face. ‘It's . . . it's . . .'

‘It's quite obvious what it is,' said Judi. ‘What were you expecting . . . chocolate?'

‘I don't know,' said James. ‘I've never been here before!'

‘Didn't the name of the planet give you even a tiny clue as to what it might be made of?' said Judi.

‘No,' said James, frowning. ‘I thought it was named after the Greek god Uranus. The Ancient Greeks believed Uranus gave heat, light and rain to the Earth. He was also the husband of Gaea and the father of the Cyclopes, the Titans, Rhea and the monsters with one hundred heads and fifty mouths.'

‘Boy, have you got a lot to learn,' said Judi.

James groaned.

‘Come on, James!' said Judi. ‘Pull yourself together. It could be worse!'

‘How in the univarse could I possibly be in a worse position than being up to my knees in this stuff?' he said.

Judi laughed. ‘You could be up to your neck in it!' she said. ‘Or upside down!'

‘Very funny,' said James.

He helped Judi down into the sludge and they waded off in the direction of the smoke.

It was hard, slow going.

While they waded, Judi tried to distract herself by imagining what Zack might be doing right at that moment. She worked out that it was bedtime back on Earth. She imagined he was probably tucked up in bed reading—no doubt one of the interplanetary bum-fighting comics he loved so much. About this time Gran would probably be bringing him a warm cup of cocoa and kissing him goodnight.

Judi felt an intense pang of regret. She longed to be back home. Zack was lucky to have his grandmother to look after him, sure, but there were some things that only a mother could do.

Judi bit her lip. She was resolved. Despite her love of bum-fighting, this was definitely going to be the last E-mission she went on. At least until Zack was grown up.