Zoey And The Nice Guy (Big Girl Panties #1) (23 page)

“Probably.”

“You wanna come with me?”

“Yes,” she said. “I’m worried about the pain on the drive, though.”

He nodded. “It’ll be rough, but the cabin’s quiet and comfortable.”

“Zoey will hate us.”

“The kids don’t need to be around that crazy mother of hers. And if Tracy grabs my ass one more time, I’m gonna snap.”

Maya laughed and tousled his hair. “Your fault for looking so good in those jeans.”

He shook his head. “I feel so objectified.”

Her fingers lingered in his hair and he rested his head on her knee. “Being friends with Zoey can be exhausting,” she said.

He could only nod, his eyes on the kids.
 

“It’s not wrong to take breaks from her. Me and Addy do it all the time.”

“So I should take a break now?”

“Do you want to?”

“Yeah. I’m—confused.”

“Then you need a break. You can figure everything out and then decide whether you want to do this with her.”

He hated to even think about not doing this with her. His heart hurt just imagining breaking this off. But, Maya was right. He needed some space. “Can we get out of here without her hating us forever?” he asked.

“Probably not.”

He sighed. This was not going to be pretty. He stood and took a fortifying breath. “All right,” he said, “I’m gonna get you and the kids packed up. Then…prepare to run.”

Maya laughed then she sighed.
 

When Kellen topped the stairs and rounded into the hall, he ran smack into Zoey. She shoved him. “Watch where you’re going, asshole.”

“Hey!” He grabbed her wrist and then squeezed his eyes shut. Now was not the time to lose it with her. He took a breath. “Zoey, it was an accident.”

“Fine. Just move because Mom needs aspirin.” She shoved past him and to her bedroom. Kellen shook his head and went to Maya’s room to pack her stuff. His next stop was the kids’ room, which was a mess. Packing them up took a little longer. He wasn’t sure he could fit all their Christmas gifts in his truck. It was a struggle enough to fit the whole family.
 

He was zipping up their suitcase when Zoey walked in. “What the hell are you doing?” she asked. Well, more like shrieked.

He turned to face her. He reached out to touch her cheek, but she pulled back. “I thought I’d take Maya and the kids and give you some time alone with your mom.”

“You’re ditching me?”

“No, Zoey, I’m giving you space.”

“Did I ask for space? No, I didn’t. I asked you to stay with me.”

“Listen,” he said, treading very carefully, “this isn’t a big deal. I’ll come back tomorrow and hang out a while. I just want to be able to sleep in a bed that isn’t trying to eat me, okay?”

There was a flicker of amusement in her eyes, but it quickly got swallowed up by her anger. “Fine. Go.”

He’d take it. He knew ‘fine’ didn’t mean fine, but, at this point, he was just grateful she wasn’t screaming and throwing things. “Thanks,” he said. “Call me if you need anything.”

She folded her arms over her chest and stepped out of his way. As he walked past her carrying the luggage, she said, “Seems like if you were concerned about my needing anything, you wouldn’t be leaving me.”

He didn’t touch it. Right now, the game was keeping his head down and getting out. Except when he went back inside after loading the suitcases in the truck, she was sitting on the edge of the kids’ bed crying. Nothing terribly dramatic, just a few tears and a red nose. He did not want to engage. He knew nothing good would come of it, but he couldn’t bear to leave her there by herself.

He went and sat next to her. He slipped his arm around her waist and she leaned into him. “You’re done with me,” she said.

He wrapped his other arm around her. “God. No.”

“Yes, you are. I can feel it.”

“I’m not.”

“I can hear the question in your voice. You’re gonna leave and then realize you’re happier without me, and then that’ll be it.”

“Zoey, how is it you manage to make me feel like you’re pushing me away and clinging to me all at the same time?”

She pulled away and frowned up at him. She shook her head, either because she didn’t know the answer or because she didn’t understand the question. He said, “I’m gonna take a risk, here, and be brutally honest with you.”

She paled but nodded him on.

This was sheer idiocy, but it was who he was. Honest and transparent. Reasonable. “The fact is, Zoey, it’s a challenging enough struggle navigating your moods when you aren’t under stress. With your mom here, I just don’t—“

She jumped up and threw her hands in the air. “I might’ve known. This is because of Tracy. You can be nice to every other person in the world, but, for some reason, you’ve got it out for my mother.”

“That’s not what I was saying.”

“You know, if you hate her so much, then there’s no way you can like me. She and I are so much alike. You think she’s this awful bitch, but she’s just trying to find happiness in a world full of people who just want to stab her in the back.”

He stood and approached her slowly. “You’ve got the ability to reason past this, Zoey. I’ve seen you do it. Set your anger and your fear aside, and think.”

“You’re saying I’m stupid? Irrational?”

He closed his eyes and blew out a breath. “I’m saying you’re better than her and you know it. A few wrong moves and yeah, you’ll turn into your mother. But, Zoey, you’ve got it in you to be better.”

“Fuck you, Kellen. How dare you talk down to me like this? You think you’re so perfect?”

“Not at all—“

“You’re not. You’re a coward and a people pleaser. I wouldn’t be you for all the money in the world. I can’t imagine going through life simpering and bowing to everyone else’s wishes. You think I’m afraid? You’re the one who’s afraid.”

Anger flared out of nowhere. “I’m afraid? Why the fuck wouldn’t I be? I have to live among a bunch of people who could snap and fly off the handle at any moment and I’m just here, trying to live my life, minding my own business, hoping I don’t piss someone off. I take a chance on you and you rip me to shreds, Zoey.”

“So why are you still here?”

“There you go again, pushing me away. Which is it? Do you want me or don’t you?”

“You said you could handle me!”

“You’re not giving me anything back. I’m the only one putting out any effort.”

“That’s a lie. I’m giving everything I have.”

“Then it’s not enough.” He regretted the words as soon as he said them. She stepped back and all the anger drained out of her, leaving her pale except for her red nose and eyes. He wanted to take it back, but as soon as he heard the words, he realized they were true. He didn’t have what it took to hold up a relationship with her by himself.
 

She stepped further back. “All right,” she said, defeat heavy in her voice. “Well, it was fun while it lasted. You’re amazing in bed, Kellen.”

He didn’t know what to do. Didn’t know what to say. So he just watched as she turned and left the room. She went to her room and stayed there. He loaded Maya and the kids into his truck and they set off on the snowy drive to his cabin. He was aware the whole trip that he was frowning. He just couldn’t get her words out of his mind.

Maya was kind enough to wait until they’d settled into his cabin before interrogating him. The great thing about his house was that there was no setup. The kids had spent the night there, plenty of times in the past, and knew exactly where to put their things and where to find the controllers for the game console. With the kids settled in the den, he and Maya had coffee in the sitting room.
 

“So quiet here,” she whispered.

Kellen could only nod. His head was throbbing.

“Is it over?” Maya asked.

He sighed. “I can’t figure out how to be with her. I didn’t want this to get too deep too fast. I wanted to just have fun with her for a while. But I’m pretty sure by the time I waded through the shit she throws at me, I’d be a hundred percent committed, whether I wanted to be or not. And even then, there’d be no telling how she would treat me. Shit, I should have listened to you and Addy and Jayce. I don’t know what got into my ego to make me think I could handle her.”

He closed his eyes and let the silence sink in. Maya was kind enough to allow it. She stood and kissed him on the forehead. “Merry Christmas, Kellen.”

“You, too.”

After she disappeared into the den, he realized how incredibly selfish he was being. Poor Maya, beaten and uprooted from her home, on Christmas no less, was offering him comfort. He resolved to have his act together by morning. He’d allow himself tonight only to wallow in self-pity.

Zoey was too numb to cry anymore. She came out of her room when they left and went into the kitchen to fix dinner for Tracy and Mark.
 

“I hope they didn’t leave on account of us,” Tracy said.

“They just wanted some family time to themselves.”

“But Kellen’s not really Maya’s brother, is he?” Tracy made her way into the kitchen and hopped up on the counter. Zoey stood at the stove, waiting for a pot of water to boil so she could make spaghetti.

“He’s her brother-in-law.”

“Hmm,” Tracy said. “You think they’ll be sleeping in separate bedrooms tonight?”

“Don’t do that, Mom.”

“Do what?”
 

“Try to stir up unnecessary drama. I’m drama-ed out.”

“I was only wondering, is all. Didn’t mean to upset you.”

Zoey dumped a box of pasta into the water and then stuck a jar of store bought sauce in the microwave. She wasn’t the least bit hungry, but Tracy and Mark were. She got a loaf of French bread out of the freezer, wrapped it in foil, and put it in the oven.
 

“You don’t have to cook, baby doll,” she said. “We could go out.”

Zoey wondered how her mother intended to pay if they were to go out. She wondered if her mom realized how annoying an offer of going out was when she was already halfway done with dinner. She settled for, “Too much snow. Without Kellen’s truck, we won’t be going anywhere for a couple of days.”

Zoey managed to get dinner on the table, choke down a few bites, and get the kitchen cleaned up before pleading a headache and going to the guest room. She showered and lay in bed, where she composed two dozen texts to Kellen and deleted each one. She had no business communicating with him. He’d gotten out, and rightly so.
 

Still, she couldn’t help feeling disappointed in him. She wanted him to be Superman. She wanted him to stand up, strong and immovable even when she railed in anger against him. She wanted someone she could say and do whatever she wanted to without hurting him.
 

But, he was right; she hadn’t given him enough. And she was right, too; she’d given him everything she had. It just so happened there wasn’t much to give. Between trying to take care of Maya and the kids, being bombarded with her mother, and dealing with her own, massive insecurities, she just didn’t have anything worthy to offer to Kellen.
 

She slept intermittently that night. When she woke up, she didn’t feel like she’d slept at all.
 
She’d taken the kids’ room and the pillows smelled like them. She got up and headed to the kitchen where Tracy and Mark were having a fight. She didn’t pay attention. Just took her coffee and retired to the living room to read on her new Kindle.

Before too long, she was ten percent through a book and she had no idea what she was reading. She turned it off and looked out the window. She sat there for the next four mornings. Each morning, the snow had melted a little more. Each morning, Tracy and Mark were there, lounging in their underwear, eating all of her food.

If Kellen wasn’t going to talk to her, she needed to at least go see Maya. She also needed to go to the grocery store. She made herself get dressed and cleaned up. She drove to Addy’s, first, simply because she was closest.
 

Addy greeted her at the door with a smile and a hug.

“Can I come in?” Zoey asked. It was only ten o’clock, which, on a winter break, seemed early.
 

“Absolutely. I’m having coffee in the breakfast nook. Come on.”

Zoey followed Addy through her parent’s house. “I came to apologize—“

“Oh, stop. You know I forgave you the moment it happened. And I’m sorry for snapping when I did. I should have gone home before I lost it.”

Zoey sat in a chair at a little, round table. Addy went to the kitchen and prepared her a cup of coffee. She joined her at the table. “So is Tracy gone?”

Zoey stared at her blankly. “No. She says she and Mark are on vacation. They haven’t even gone back to the station for their car.”

“God, Zoey. I’m so sorry.”

Zoey sank into her chair. “I love my mom, I really do, but I’m not sure what I’m going to do if she stays much longer. I mean, Maya’s with Kellen, but when school starts back up next week, it just makes more sense that she stays with me. Plus, she’s going to be looking for jobs. She should just be in town, but with Mom and Mark in the house, I just don’t know how it’s going to work.”

Addy didn’t say anything. She sipped her coffee and stared out the window. Little tufts of dead grass were showing and water dripped steadily from the trees and the eaves of the house.
 

“Say it,” Zoey said.

Addy shook her head.

Zoey huffed.

“If you already know what I’m going to say,” Addy said, “then you shouldn’t need me to say it.”

“That’s never stopped you before.”

“Yeah? Well I’m tired, now. I’ve been through this thing with your mom several times already and I’m just tired. There’s nothing more to say.”

“You think I should turn her away.”

Addy pressed her lips together.
 

Zoey turned her gaze to some movement out the window. A cardinal perched on a pine bough, bobbing up and down from his landing. “You think I’ve sacrificed too much for a woman who will never love me.” It hurt saying it. The pain was sharp but expected. She’d been preparing for it over the past few days. “I never had to lose you or Maya. You’d never give up on me, but Kellen’s gone. He’s seen me at my worst, and he couldn’t take it. Nor should he have to. If I’d given up on her, I’d still have him. That’s what you wanna say.”