Zeke (6 page)

They were in the back seat of the
van, parked near the lake. Zeke listened attentively to her recollection, not
interrupting once.

“I was lying in bed with my father.
He was resting because he had to work the night shift that night. The bedroom
was dim and cool, but I felt warm, all snuggled up next to him. I had played
hooky from school, pretended to be sick that morning although I really felt
fine. He probably knew I wasn’t sick, but he hadn’t pressed the issue.

“I loved the smell of my father,
his aftershave, and the scent of the soap he used. Anyway, we were lying there,
separated by the bedspread and sheets, him underneath and me curled up on top.
He had been telling me a story about a chipmunk in the forest who found a
diamond ring. I was pretty sure he had been making it up as he went, because it
rambled and didn’t have much of a plot. But, I didn’t care; I was safe and warm
there by his side, my head on his chest, listening to the steady rumble of his
voice vibrating through his ribcage.

“I was thirsty, so I pulled myself
up and crawled over him to lie down on his other side since my glass of water
was on the nightstand. But my dad grabbed me off him, saying sternly, ‘Now,
don’t do that.’ He’d quickly moved me back to his side as he continued, ‘You
stay off of Daddy, now. You shouldn’t crawl on top of me like that. It’s not
nice.’

“I remember how badly my feelings
were hurt. I was filled with a heavy, incomprehensible shame. I couldn’t figure
out what I had done wrong. I remember flopping back down by his side, my eyes
filled with tears.

“‘I’m sorry, sweetie.’ My dad had
said, immediately contrite. Then, he’d said, ‘I shouldn’t have yelled at you;
you didn’t do anything wrong, honey. Daddy made a mistake.’

“I remember wiping my eyes on my
sleeve, but the moment had been spoiled for me. After that, whenever I was near
my father, I was very careful not to get on top of him.”

Fingers steepled under his chin,
Zeke gazed thoughtfully into her eyes. “Want to hear my assessment?”

Sue nodded.

“First of all, Daddy projected his
own sexuality onto you,” he began. “He was probably naked under the covers and
thinking thoughts he shouldn’t have been thinking.”

“Oh, no!” Sue protested. “No,
that’s all wrong.”

“Wait,” Zeke commanded. “Hear me
out. He didn’t plan to act on it; he just was thinking. It’s the setting, you
know. The dark room, the bed, the coziness.”

Sue said nothing, but she shook her
head, denying the allegation.

“And maybe you were thinking those
things, too,” Zeke continued.

“No, I wasn’t! It was the furthest
thing from my mind.” Sue’s face grew red. “I was only a little girl!”

“Okay, okay.” Zeke held up a hand,
warding off her angry reply. “Forget it. I was just giving you my opinion.”

He leaned back and pulled her into
his arms, her back against his chest, facing away from him. Sue was rigid,
barely tolerating his touch.

“You need to just relax, now, Susie
Q.” His voice was soft and tender. “It’s okay. There’s no reason to get so
upset. It’s just that I read a lot of psychology books. Enough to know the
father-daughter relationship is complex. But, it was just conjecture. Come on
now, just ease up.”

“You shouldn’t say those kinds of
things.” Sue’s tone was strained and quiet, almost inaudible. “My dad’s not
like that. You don’t know him.”

“Okay,” he soothed. “You’re right,
I don’t know him. So, let’s just drop it.”

She relaxed her head back onto his
shoulder. He perceived her submission and kissed the side of her neck, just
under her ear. Slipping his hand under her shirt, he caressed her. He felt the
tremble go through her body. “But haven’t you ever wondered what it would be
like?”

“With my dad? God, no!” Shock and
outrage paralyzed her.

Zeke’s ran his skillful hands
sensuously over her belly to the waistband of her jeans as she squirmed, trying
to pull away. “It’s okay.” His voice was mesmerizing, cajoling. He undid the button
and slid the zipper down. “I bet you have. I bet
all
little girls do.
You can tell me. No secrets, remember? Let’s just use our imaginations for a
minute. I’ll talk you through it. Just relax and listen. Let me describe to you
what
should
have happened in that bedroom so long ago between you and
your daddy.”

“No, Zeke. Stop it! Stop it right
now!” Sue broke from his embrace but he reeled her back in.

He slid her jeans down around her
knees, and his fingers reached between her legs. “Your daddy would have slipped
his hand down here, just like I’m doing.”

Sue slapped at his hands and jerked
away from him. “That’s sick! I won’t listen to any more of it.” She tugged her
jeans up, hands trembling, and scooted over on the seat.

“Quit being such a tight-ass.” Zeke
reached over the front seat for his pack of cigarettes. “I’m just trying to
loosen up some of those goddamn inhibitions of yours. Set you free.” He lit a
cigarette and blew the smoke in her face.

She coughed, waved the smoke away
with her hand. “Well, I don’t like it. It’s wrong!”

“They’re just words, Sue. Words.
What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Nothing’s wrong with me.” Tears
slipped from her eyes and ran down her cheeks.

“Something sure as hell is.” Zeke
crawled up into the front seat and rolled down the window. “Unless you’re
insinuating that there’s something wrong with
me
. Are you?” He held
Sue’s eye. “Come here.”

Sue shook her head and broke the
eye contact.

Zeke shrugged. “Fine. We can leave
right now. But I’m not going to have much time to spend with you the next few
days. So, I guess if that doesn’t matter to you...”

Sue wiped the tears away and looked
out the window. It would soon be dusk and she needed to go home and study. In
reality, she should have gone to the library instead of meeting Zeke. She just
couldn’t pass up any opportunity to see him and had given in to her impulses.
Now, she wavered, her anger fading.

Zeke flung his hair back with a
toss of his head and reached for the keys to start the van.

“Wait.” Although ashamed of the
pleading tone in her voice, Sue couldn’t allow them to part on bad terms.
“Please don’t be this way.”

“Well, I don’t want to be, Sue, but
you’ve kind of pushed this mood. Wouldn’t you say?” He paused, hands still on
the keys.

“What I would say,” Sue spoke slowly,
as she crawled into the front seat, “is that we’ve just had a little
misunderstanding. That’s all.”

“A misunderstanding?” A crafty
smile crossed Zeke’s face. “Come here.”

Sue leaned toward him and he kissed
her tenderly. Her heart ached from holding simultaneous opposing feelings for
him. She threw her arms around his neck and gave herself over to the sensation
of his lips on hers. “I’m crazy about you, Zeke.” Her heart was already
plotting to forgive him, and her mind looked on with interest.

He pulled back after a moment and
started the van. With a hard look in her direction, he said, “I’m crazy about
you too; but you’re gonna have to deal with your father fixation, sooner or
later.”

She felt he’d doused her in ice
water. “What?”

He backed the van up, put it into
drive, and pulled onto the road back to town. “You see, baby, it’s all good.
Nothing that you desire is wrong. Nothing that feels good to you is bad. And,
by the way, you can lay on top of
me
anytime you want. You can pretend
I’m
your daddy. You can have what you want with no guilt attached.”

“I don’t like what you’re hinting
at.” Sue crossed her arms and stared out the window at the darkening sky. Hurt
fell over her like a suffocating blanket. She’d had a glimpse into Zeke’s mind
and it disappointed her, almost to the point of grief. It was like discovering
someone you loved dearly had a disease living inside his body, or finding an
unacceptable imperfection hidden within a precious stone. They rode in silence.

Back at her car, Sue looked expectantly
at Zeke before getting out of the van. He turned fond eyes on her. “Bunny, I
love you. You know that, right?”

“I guess,” Sue whispered.

“But the thing is, I’m a grown man.
You, on the other hand, act like a child sometimes. The immaturity...well, it’s
hard to deal with.” His expression was earnest, a bit pained.

Sue’s heart slammed in her chest.
He’s
breaking up with me!

“I need to be with a woman who’ll
let me be myself. Someone I can share my thoughts with.
All
my thoughts.
You know, say
anything
to, instead of walking around on eggshells.
Complete openness.” He lit another cigarette and turned to blow the smoke out
the window. His face took on a distant look as he stared straight ahead out the
windshield. “Don’t get me wrong, Susie. I’m fucking nuts about you. How could I
not be? Those puppy dog eyes, the way you melt up against me, that sweet little
snatch of yours. It’s heady stuff. But I guess what I’m saying is, I need a
mature woman, a woman who’s not afraid of her own feelings. You know?”

Sue clutched the hem of her shirt
in her hands. Her palms were damp with sweat. “But we have something special.
You said so yourself.”

“We do. But it might not be enough.
Look, maybe I’m just not the man for you. Maybe you need a boy, someone closer
to your emotional age.” Zeke inhaled deeply and held the smoke inside for a
moment before exhaling in a slow gray stream. “I don’t know.”

Sue swallowed hard. “I don’t want
anyone else.”

Zeke tossed his cigarette out the
window and turned to face her. He looked thoughtful before paraphrasing some
lines he’d read once in a men’s magazine. “I’m a sensual adventurer, Sue. I
want to explore the passion I feel, really dig into the heart of it, the dark
parts, too. I wanted to take you on that journey with me. But if you don’t want
to go, that’s fine. Maybe you need a few days to think it over.”

“No.” Sue clutched his arm.
“Please, Zeke. I want to be with you. I want it worse than anything I’ve ever
wanted in my life. I don’t need to think it over.”

“Get out of the van, Sue.” Zeke’s
voice was gentle, but the underlying threat was obvious: she might never see
him again. “Go on home, little girl.”

Sue bit her lip as tears ran down
her cheeks. She pulled the door open, but didn’t get out. “I can’t believe this
is happening. I love you, and you don’t seem to even care.”

His features rearranged themselves;
a look of agony crossed his face. “I care, Sue. I care way more than I should,
way more than is good for me.”

Sue was ready to beg outright if
necessary; she could barely hold back her sobs. But if she begged, would he
think of her as even more of a child? What would a mature woman do under these
circumstances? How would a sophisticated lady handle it? Sue didn’t know the
answer so she kept silent.

Zeke tenderly caressed her cheek.
“This hurts me, too, sweetheart. It hurts me more than you’ll ever know. I’ll
call you in a few days, okay? We’ll see how things are then.” His voice caught
in his throat, as if he were on the verge of tears himself, and the sound sent
a soft wave of pain through Sue. “Go on now, bunny.”

Sue nodded and stumbled from the
van to her car. Zeke drove away without a backward glance. He smiled as he
headed home. Gotcha, he thought.

For the next three days, Sue was a
wreck. She could hardly stop crying. Pretending she had the flu, she stuck
mostly to her room. It wasn’t far from truth as her stomach was so upset that
eating was the last thing on her mind. Her mother faithfully brought her soup
and Sprite. She’d hold it together long enough to set her mom’s mind at ease,
but once the door closed she’d sink once again into misery.

Finally, on the third evening, Sue
gave in to temptation and dialed his number. “Zeke, it’s me. I just wanted to
tell you I’m sorry and you can talk about whatever you want with me. I swear I
won’t get upset at you again…Well, that’s all I really wanted to say.” He
didn’t return her call.

An hour later, she called again.
“Zeke, honey, it’s Sue. I miss you. I’ve really been thinking about what you
said, and I wish you’d call me so we can talk things over. Okay, well, bye.”
Still no response.

Her fingers trembled as she tried
again. “It’s Sue. I just wanted to say I understand your points and I was
wrong. I shouldn’t have been so touchy. I’m not childish, Zeke. I’m really not.
Give me another chance, and I’ll prove it to you.” He didn’t call back.

Though she tried hard not to call
him anymore, she caved several more times. Eventually she spoke into the phone,
defeated. “Okay, Zeke. I give up. I can accept that I won’t be your girlfriend
anymore. But can we please at least stay friends? We are friends, aren’t we?
Call me. Okay, bye.”

Only the fear of devastating
rejection prevented her from trying to catch him outside the bookstore to plead
her case.

By coincidence during that time, a
stroke of luck in Zeke’s estimation, the air conditioning broke at Re-Books.
The owner decided to use the situation as an opportunity to have a new system
installed, granting his employees an unexpected three-day vacation.

Zeke lounged poolside at Mrs.
Harrington’s, an icy drink in hand, while repairs were made at the shop. Each
time a message came in from Sue, Zeke listened with a bored smirk before
deleting it. While Cyrus baked under a rare summer heat wave and Sue stewed in
the bitter juices of anxiety, Zeke remained cool and untouched.

By day four, the nursing home
supervisor was threatening to let Sue go if she didn’t come to work. She
pointed out that there were a lot of young people out there that would be glad
to have the job if Sue didn’t want it. So, although she still hurt more than
she thought possible, Sue forced herself to get out of bed, showered, and drove
to work.