You Only Love Twice (22 page)

“Nothing to talk about.” The last thing he needed was a
therapy session. He had to talk about the crap with the Caliph. It was kind of
required so he didn’t go nutso again, but he didn’t need to drag his nonstarter
of a relationship with Phoebe into it.

“Spoken like a true stoic. There is always something to talk
about. Especially when your week started with an attempted assassination by the
woman you love.”

“I don’t love her.” He sure as hell wasn’t going there.

“Okay. By the woman you’ve spent the last several months
with. Every free second of the last several months with.”

“Yeah, well, she followed me around a lot. It was all part
of her plan.”

Kai grinned and slapped his hands together. “Good, we’ve
reached the ‘rewriting history’ phase of the breakup. It’s my favorite part.”

“Screw you, Kai.” He needed a new therapist.

“Hey, I’m here to talk.”

“I don’t want to talk.”

“Okay, how do you feel about listening?”

“I don’t want to listen either.” He wanted to forget he ever
met her.

He actually didn’t like that thought. The idea that he
wouldn’t think about her again, could really forget her, made him anxious. Why
couldn’t she be like the other girls who had rejected him? Or the ones it just
hadn’t worked out with? He could remember their names, but their faces were a
little cloudy. Some were pleasant memories, others mild regrets, but not one of
them had shaken him the way Phoebe did.

“Excellent. I knew you would make a spectacular houseguest.”

Jesse groaned. Months on the man’s couch had taught him that
Kai wasn’t like other shrinks. Kai was way more obnoxious, and he was like a
dog with a bone when he got going. “Say what you’re going to say, man.”

“All right. I’ll do just that because despite what you
believe, you need to hear this.” Kai placed his hands on the table and regarded
Jesse seriously. “This is not about you. That’s what I’m going to say. Phoebe’s
issues are not about you. I talked to Ian earlier and he told me a little bit
about her past and her relationship with Ten Smith. And Chelsea might have sent
me all the files the Agency has on her. I don’t think Ten knows about that.
Chelsea wanted me to see if I could commit her to an insane asylum. She sent me
a list of the top three with the worst records in the US, though she said she’d
found some nasty ones in South America, too. Chelsea is all Team Jesse if you
didn’t know.”

He couldn’t help but smile. And then frown because Chelsea
could actually be a little vindictive. “Phoebe’s not crazy. I wouldn’t mind
reading those files though.”

“I don’t think that’s a great idea.”

“Why not? She did it to me.” He was feeling vengeful. It
would go away. It always did and he would feel like crap about it. But he was
curious about her husband. She wouldn’t talk about him except to say he’d been
Agency and he’d died. He was curious about the man she did love. What kind of
man could hold on to his wife after all these years? Probably a saint.

Kai shook his head. “So you want some revenge on her? You
want to react in a way that runs counter to who you are as a person? Because
the Jesse Murdoch I know isn’t interested in revenge. He’s a protector.”

That was a load of crap. “He’s an idiot.”

Kai’s eyes widened behind his glasses. “Have you wondered
about why Ian Taggart took you in? By all accounts, he really should have had
you arrested. Or killed. He’s that kind of guy. You shot his wife. Oh, from
what I understand you were trying to get Alex, but you got Charlotte. You put everything
about that operation in jeopardy, including the lives of two of his best
friends and his wife. And yet, Ian took you in and gave you a job.”

He’d thought about it a lot lately. “I think maybe he was
trying to make sure I didn’t turn. Maybe he was working with the Agency.”

Kai shook his head, his gold and brown hair moving against
his shoulders. “That wasn’t his reason. He needed a man like you.”

“A grunt who would do anything he would say?”

“Dude, we need to work on your self-esteem. No. He was in a
position where his men were getting married and having kids and he needed
someone he trusted to watch their backs and to make the right decisions. Like
backing up Simon even when you knew damn well it put Tag in a bad position. You
could have lost your job over that, but you chose friendship and loyalty over
yourself. You’re a selfless man, Jesse. It’s a unique trait, one that I believe
you were born with. Oftentimes a certain goodness comes from nurture, from
having a loving family around you. But I believe some people are simply born
good, selfless. They’re the universe’s way of making sure there are always
heroes among us.”

He wasn’t a hero. “Well, it sure wasn’t taught to me. My
granddad was a bastard. Never hit me or anything, but he never let me know I
was anything but a burden. My mom said I reminded her too much of my dad, and
she couldn’t even look at me. She dumped me on the old man when I was just a
kid. He made sure I went to school and had food, but that was about it. I was
on my own for everything else.”

“And what did you do when he got cancer?”

He’d taken a leave and gone to see him, but his granddad had
told him not to come back. He’d been so bitter, he’d turned away everyone. And
still Jesse had felt a responsibility to do something. “I sent back everything
I had so he could be comfortable. Like I said, I was stupid. Always have been.”

“No,” Kai insisted. “You’re the unique human being who can
be kicked again and again and still maintain his peace, his love. It’s why they
couldn’t break you in Iraq. He used advanced torture techniques meant to erase
who you are so he could build a new you, one who he controlled. He apparently
managed it with others, but not you. You are unbreakable because there is a
core of deep strength inside you.”

“I never thought about it like that.” He’d kind of thought
he was too stubborn for it to work.

“What happens to a dog who gets kicked too many times?”

That was easy. And it hurt a little because Kai knew what
that meant to him. The Caliph had called him a dog over and over again. Jesse
was the dog and the Caliph was the master. He told himself they were just
words. “He gets mean.”

Kai leaned forward, his voice passionate. “Yes. You are not
a dog, Jesse Murdoch. You are a man, and a remarkable one at that. I’ve studied
hundreds who went through something like you and only a few maintain your
light. So I’m going to give you some advice. You thought she could save you.”

He had. Deep down, he’d thought Phoebe was the woman who
could heal him. He thought if he could get her to love him, he might feel
worthy. He nodded, not wanting to speak.

“You were wrong.”

“I know.”

“No. You don’t understand. You thought her love could save
you, but I’m going to tell you a secret I’ve discovered. Your love is the only
love that can save you. Your love is powerful and worthy and more important
than being loved in return. You already saved yourself. You do it every day
when you wake up and make the decision to be a partner and a friend and yes,
you saved yourself when you decided to love her. Don’t take that lightly and
don’t regret it. It’s never, ever a mistake to love someone.”

“It is when it hurts her.” Kai’s words meant something to
him. They really did. When he thought about it, he couldn’t control whether
Phoebe loved him back. He could only love her or try to force himself not to
love her.

The truth was, he liked loving her. It made him feel alive.
He’d never felt anything like it before in his life, and he didn’t want to kill
it. Throwing up that wall between them had felt wrong. It had been mean and
he’d done it because he was trying to protect himself, trying not to ache. It
hadn’t worked except to make him feel worse.

“It doesn’t hurt her,” a new voice said.

He looked up and wished the damn conference door had a lock
on it. Was everyone going to walk in on his personal conversations today?
Tennessee Smith strode in with a big bag from Sean’s restaurant. Big Tag
followed behind him.

Ten set the bag down. “Someone needs to break through her
walls and I can’t do it. I know what happened between the two of you last
night, and I’m going to do something I swore I’d never do. I’m going to ask you
for a favor, Murdoch.”

“What’s that?” Jesse asked, wary.

“Don’t give up on her.” Ten sounded more serious than Jesse
had ever heard him before. Ten was always laid back, easy going, as if nothing
really mattered. He was the quintessential good-time guy, which was a mask, of
course. A man couldn’t do what Ten did and be easy going. He played a role like
many of them did, but now he looked like a concerned brother. “She needs you.
Phoebe had a rough childhood, and she’s got it in her head that her husband was
her only shot at being happy.”

“She has abandonment issues,” Kai explained.

“Jamie didn’t abandon her. He died,” Ten shot back.

“It’s all the same in her head. She’s not thinking straight.
She’s falling back on old thought patterns because in some ways they’re
familiar and comforting, even if they keep her from what she wants. We tend to
regress to our natural neuroses in times of crisis.” Kai pulled out a chair for
Tag. “Like this one here has a god complex.”

“It’s not a complex if I really am the most powerful person
in the universe. Then it’s simply a fact. And if you psychoanalyze me,
Ferguson, I will murder you in your sleep.” Tag started unpacking boxes.

“He’s also got anger issues,” Kai said with a sigh. “But I’m
right about the abandonment. It doesn’t matter that Jamie didn’t want to die.
It only matters that he’s gone. She expects the people she loves to leave her.
It’s easier to hold on to the past than to try for an uncertain future.”

“So what do I do?” If there was a shot with her, he would
take it. Maybe he was too stubborn to get the picture the world constantly
tried to paint for him. Maybe he should listen to the voices that told him everything
would go to shit. Or maybe he should give in to his true nature and not give
up. Maybe he was alive today because he hadn’t given up, and if he tried
harder, he could have the future he wanted.

“Do you love her?” Tag asked.

He did, but really admitting it meant opening himself up. It
would be so much easier to say no and move on, but Kai was right. If he was
going to get past all this shit, he had to do the one thing he’d never done
before—he had to give a shit about himself. He loved Phoebe Grant. It was
meaningful. His love was worth something. “Yeah. I love her.”

“Do you think you’re good for her?” Tag asked.

“I think he’s good for her,” Ten replied. “She smiles around
him. She’s passionate about him. When she says his name, she lights up and god,
she’s been dim for so long. It’s good to see her smile again.”

Ten’s words went straight to his gut. If he could make her
smile, make her happy, then shouldn’t he fight for the right to do so? Even if
it meant fighting her? “Yeah, I’m good for her.”

Tag nodded as though agreeing. “Then man up and top her. She
needs it. She’s in a corner and she doesn’t know how to get out.”

“I don’t know that I like the idea of her being involved in
all that letter stuff,” Ten said, eyeing Jesse warily.

But she needed that letter stuff. It was only when he
stopped topping her the night before that everything had gone to hell. He
shouldn’t have slunk away. He should have been her Dom. BDSM could be anything
they needed it to be. There was only one thing that was true for every couple
who practiced. They had to communicate, to be honest. Yes, he hadn’t done that
with her.

Jesse took a deep breath. It was right there—the need to
punish himself for a mistake, to count himself as something less. Maybe he and
Phoebe would have to learn together.

It was time for him to stand up, to be the man she needed,
and that wasn’t a man who let a few mistakes come between them. It was time to
be her man, her Dom, and that meant changing. It meant accepting himself.

It meant forgiving himself for something that hadn’t fucking
been his fault in the first place.

It struck him forcibly. It hadn’t been his fault. He hadn’t
set the IED or made the choice to be selected as the Caliph’s whipping boy. He
hadn’t killed his friends. He’d survived and that wasn’t something to be
ashamed of. He’d survived and he could have a life if he was brave enough to
take it.

Jesse stood up. If they were going to have a shot, one of
them had to let go of the past, and it looked like it was going to have to be
him. He turned to Ten Smith. “This is between me and your sister. I’ll take
care of her. I’ll love her and I’ll make sure she’s safe. I’m going to try my
damnedest to make her happy, but I’m going to do it my way. It’s her way, too.
She just doesn’t know it yet. So you are welcome in our lives, but you will
stay out of our relationship.”

Ten stared at him for a minute and the room was utterly
silent. Out of the corner of his eye, Jesse could see Tag grinning.

Finally Ten nodded. “All right, then. But you should know
we’ll have a problem if you don’t treat her right. If you’re going to be my
brother, you better get used to how I handle things.”

“I know. You’ll bring an elite team into my house and I’ll
kick their ass again.” An arrogance he’d never felt before bubbled up inside
him. It felt good. He knew whatever happened, he could handle it. He had Tag
and Si and the rest of his cobbled together family, and if he worked hard, he
could have Phoebe, too. “Ten, I promise. I’ll take care of her.”

Ten held out a hand. “Jamie would have liked you, Murdoch.”

That was probably the best compliment Ten could have given
him. He shook Ten’s hand. “I probably would have liked him, too.”

A little cloud passed over Ten’s face. “She’s got a story
she needs to tell you. She thinks you’ll leave her when you hear it.”