You Only Live Once (8 page)

I must have gone to sleep again after that, but when I woke up I was in so much pain it was as if someone had lit a match and I was on fire down there. I was trying to shout out but no one was coming, and I was in such agony I couldn’t even reach the bell to ring it. Somehow I managed to get my phone and call Pete. I was sobbing.

‘Please come over, I need you . . . I’m in agony!’ I think he was really shocked to hear how bad I sounded and, thank God, he rushed over to the clinic straight away. I didn’t think I could take much more of this.

Some time later the gynaecologist came to examine me and said he could see no reason why I was in so much agony. It was supposed to be a straightforward operation but maybe I had put my body through too much with all the other anaesthetics and operations. They removed the catheter and I tried yet again to go to the loo, but I couldn’t. But I couldn’t bear the thought of having another catheter put in.

All I could do during this terrible time was hobble out of bed in the morning and sit in a bath filled with salt water, to try and ease the pain in my stomach from the constipation and help with the healing. I couldn’t even wash properly because of the stitches on my boobs. I went from being bubbly and excited about my trip to LA to being like a frail, helpless old lady. Jamela washed my back for me and shaved my legs and armpits. It doesn’t matter what state I’m in, I still want that to be done. She stayed overnight with me at the clinic several times because I didn’t want to be on my own.

One night it was arranged that Pete’s songs would be played in a certain night club. I didn’t want to ruin anyone’s trip by asking them to stay with me, but I did feel especially alone and vulnerable that night. And I couldn’t help feeling hurt that Pete would never go clubbing with me and yet now he was off clubbing with a group, including my friend Jamela.

Worst of all, Pete had to fly back home. By then we had been out in LA for seven days and one of us needed to be back with the children. Jamela stayed on with me after I offered to pay for her to stay at the Beverly Wilshire. I couldn’t bear the thought of being out in LA on my own when I was feeling so very unwell. I was desperate to go home too but I couldn’t because of the state I was in. And each day I was staying in the clinic was costing me a fortune. I think the whole trip must have ended up costing me some twenty grand, because, although I didn’t have to pay for the second surgery on my boobs, I did have to pay for everything else, and meanwhile I was like a zombie, pumped full of drugs.

I was in that clinic for two long weeks. At one point in the second week I felt I was going stir crazy and suggested to Jamela that we went shopping and got a manicure. We dropped in to Kitson, one of my favourite shops on Robertson Boulevard, which sells designer clothes and accessories. As usual the paps tracked me down. Once again I didn’t want them to know what surgery I’d had done so I put on an act that I was fine when really I was in agony and could hardly sit down for the manicure and pedicure. After that I just wanted to go back to the clinic where I knew I could get more painkillers.

But a few days later I was convinced that I could leave the clinic and that I would be all right. I still hadn’t managed to do a poo, and after nearly two weeks, believe me, that is no laughing matter. The nurses gave me something which they said was guaranteed to make me go. I checked into a suite at the Beverly Wilshire, my favourite hotel, but only stayed there one night. I took the liquid but it didn’t work and I spent three and a half hours on the loo. I was rolling around on the bed in agony, trying to relieve the pain of my bloated stomach, except I couldn’t roll that much as it hurt my boobs. And I couldn’t lie on my side because of my boobs, so I had to lie on my back. What a great way to spend your time in a five-star hotel. In the morning I had to return to the clinic as I couldn’t cope with the pain on my own. During that nightmare time it felt as if someone had created a voodoo doll of me and was testing my endurance to see how much pain I could take. Well, not much more, I can tell you. I was at breaking point.

The day before I flew home, I managed to go to the clinic and get my Botox done. I was almost hysterical, laughing and crying, saying, ‘I’ve had so much done, what’s another needle!’

All I wanted to do then was to get home, see the kids, see Pete. I had missed them so much. It felt as if I had been away for ages. But I was still in pain and felt spaced out on the flight. I was picked up at the airport by my driver, and the director was in the car to film my arrival home. I felt overwhelmed by everything, as if I was on a different planet. I was extremely tearful, and at one point I cried and said, ‘I think I’m going to have a panic attack, I really need to see a doctor.’ I tried to make a joke of it, saying that I couldn’t cry because of my false lashes, but I felt so low. The director had to stop filming. I looked out of the window, trying to calm myself, and saw a horse in a field, and even that made me feel anxious and weepy because I had agreed to perform a dressage piece at the Horse of the Year Show in eight weeks’ time and just the thought of riding made me wince with pain. When you’re in that much agony, you can’t imagine ever being well again.

I felt like a little old lady as I got out of the car and hobbled into the house. It was wonderful to see the kids, but I also felt overwhelmed and cried again. I can remember crying as I saw Pete and saying, ‘I just need you, I’ve missed you so much. I’m so pleased I’m home.’ It was such a contrast being surrounded by my family after spending the best part of two weeks lying in a hospital bed.

I knew I had to see a doctor so the following day I phoned Brent Tanner, a surgeon I know, and practically begged him to see me. I think he could tell I was in a state as thankfully he agreed to a consultation that day. It was such a relief to see him and to talk through what had happened. He also arranged for a gynaecologist to examine me. I was very relieved when he said that everything looked fine and that the surgeon had done a good job. I think I might even have made a joke, asking, ‘Will Pete be pleased? Is it nice and tight?’ And he said yes. Not that I had any intention of testing that out for at least six weeks! That was how long I still needed to recover.

Brent checked out all the painkillers I’d been given, some of which were really strong. He said I probably wasn’t taking them correctly and took me off all of them, giving me different medication and antibiotics instead and explaining exactly what I needed to take and when. I felt he was my saviour because he knew me and understood what I was talking about. I had thought the States would be a great place to get my prolapse done and had been told it was a straightforward procedure, but it had obviously been too much for my body to cope with so soon after the surgery on my breasts.

That whole experience shocked me. It was the most horrific time of my life because I was in such pain and felt so out of control. I’m not saying it has put me off surgery for ever but I certainly don’t need any more at the moment. I’ll have my Botox and fillers and, probably, in a few years I’ll need another boob job. That’s because when you start having cosmetic surgery, there will inevitably come a time when it needs to be redone. But I’m in no rush and I’ve definitely gone off having anaesthetics.

I am so thankful that I didn’t die and that my body pulled through. And I thank Brent Tanner most of all because from the moment I saw him and he sorted out my medication, I felt better. My arm was still a concern, though. I couldn’t pick the kids up, or clench my fist, or even pick up a mug of tea. I saw a physio on the same day I saw Brent and he said that I had a frozen shoulder from where I had been lying in the same position for five hours during the op, and that the oxygen had not been able to get through to it. He told me I had to have treatment on it or it would get worse, and I definitely wouldn’t be riding as I could put my shoulder out. So I arranged to have sessions with him, but it took a while to get back to normal. When I did a shoot a few weeks later, I couldn’t put my arm on my hip. I had to pick it up with my other hand and put it there. Even after six months it felt numb and bruised. However, there was one good thing – I did love my new boobs. American bullets, I called them, and they were exactly what I wanted. Which was just as well, after everything I had been through to get them.

CHAPTER TEN

CAN WE MAKE IT
WORK?

After my surgery, the next big event we had coming up was the renewal of our wedding vows. However, since we had been arguing so bitterly, it really didn’t feel like the right time to do it. After our trip to America, there were still problems between us and I think I was hurt that Pete had flown home without me.

In the weeks leading up to September I felt as if I was being torn apart. I loved Pete and wanted to prove it to him by going through with the ceremony, but then at other times I hated him because he was giving me so much shit. ‘It’s the wrong time for us to be renewing our vows,’ I told him, ‘I want us to be happy doing it, not putting on an act for the cameras.’ But the trouble was our reality show had been sold to ITV with the plan that Pete and I would be filmed renewing our vows. I had even talked about it with our marriage counsellor, saying that I did want to renew them but didn’t want to film them.

But when I voiced my concerns to Claire she explained that we needed to go ahead with the filming; that it was one of the series highlights ITV were expecting and she had already booked the hotel where we would renew our vows and the safari that was to follow the ceremony. She said she was sure we could work something out to give Pete and me some space, so long as the vows were filmed. I felt that I didn’t have a choice because the arrangements were all in place.

It would have meant so much more to me if Pete and I could have gone away on our own to renew our vows, without any cameras. Even though we weren’t getting on I still didn’t want our marriage to fail, I still wanted to be with him. We needed to keep something for ourselves. Most of all we needed to sort out the problems between us. But I felt I couldn’t say no to the filming; the Katie and Peter Show had to go on.

It helped when we decided we wouldn’t renew our wedding vows but would go for a love affirmation ceremony instead. We both thought that vows should be something you renewed after ten or twenty years of marriage, while we had only been married three years and were going through a difficult time. Our wedding had been a kind of Disney-style fairy tale, with the castle, the Cinderella horse-drawn carriage, my Swarovski crystal-encrusted pink dress, and the pink marquee. This ceremony was going to be in complete contrast. As Pete and I were getting on badly in the weeks before it, I left all the arrangements to Claire. But I did want things to be good between me and Pete again, and deep down hoped that the trip to South Africa would help heal things between us.

Even though this was going to be a low-key ceremony, I still wanted a beautiful dress. I had lost weight before my most recent boob job, but when I returned from the States after the surgery my belly was badly bloated. I had expected to have my new boobs and a small waist, I hadn’t planned for a pot belly, but there you go, you never know what’s going to happen. I paid a visit to one of my favourite boutiques in London: Doly. I love their dresses; they always fit perfectly, with plenty of glitz, and are right up my street. The one I fell in love with was white, with a crystal-encrusted bodice and full skirt which flared out from the hips. It showed off my back and just the right amount of cleavage. It was twelve grand but they let me have it for eight as I’m such a good customer. My wedding dress cost considerably more than that, but I preferred this one. It just shows, it’s not down to how much money you spend.

Ironically we flew out to South Africa just as the press began speculating that we were going to split and, yes, things had been really tough between us but I genuinely did want us to pull through. We’d had problems before and had always got through them.

On the flight I made the decision that I wasn’t going to allow the cameras to film us exchanging our vows. I discussed it with Pete, ‘I’m doing this for us, not for the cameras.’ And he agreed with me. I didn’t tell Claire at this point, but as soon as I had made this decision I felt so much better. I felt that if Pete and I could have this time to say the things we really felt – just to each other, with no one else there and no cameras recording everything – we just might be able to make the ceremony mean something for us and we really might be able to put all the bad things behind us.

We were staying at Thornybush Lodge, a five-star game lodge in the heart of the African bush, within a game reserve. I loved the setting. The animals were free to wander around and we would wake up to see groups of monkeys chattering in the trees outside our window. I kept imagining how much the kids would love it if they were with us and thought how next time I would love to bring them all out here on a family holiday – little knowing that there wouldn’t be a next time for me and Pete . . .

I really wanted us both to enjoy our time there, but from the moment we arrived it seemed the cameras were always on us and it drove me fucking mad! I started resenting Claire and the film crew, felt they were intruding on what could have been a really special time for Pete and me.

The plan was to have the ceremony out in the bush, which would have been amazing. However, as is typical wherever I go, the weather was shit. Instead of blue skies and hot sun, it was chilly and raining. And it hadn’t rained in that area since February! I swear, if I ever go skiing there will be no snow. So the ceremony had to be switched to the lodge grounds. Two thousand orchids had been flown in plus twelve crystal chandeliers and a team of twenty to prepare the location. Claire oversaw it all and, to give her credit, it really did look beautiful. But I felt all the effort was made more for the cameras and the show than for Pete and me.

As soon as we settled into the lodge, the director kept asking us what we were going to say in our vows. ‘That’s for us to know!’ we’d joke back, but I knew I would have to come clean and let them know that I wasn’t going to let them film us. Even when we met the minister to discuss the ceremony the cameras were on us, and the journalists from
OK!
were there too as we were going to a do a shoot for the magazine after the ceremony. I felt this didn’t exactly give Pete and me the space to make the ceremony special to us. And I thought, ‘Bollocks to this! I’m not doing this for the show or for a magazine, I’m doing this because I want to, because I love Pete. I don’t care if I upset anyone. I’m going to say what I feel.’ So I said to Claire, ‘Can you turn the cameras off, please? I need to tell you something.’ I waited until they were off then I launched into my speech. ‘I have to be honest here . . . I’m not doing these vows for anyone else but me and Pete. And I don’t want them to be filmed.’

Claire was dismayed. ‘Oh, no! How are we going to handle this?’ She went on to say that ITV were expecting to have the vows on film.

‘Our lives are an open book as it is!’ I replied. ‘Isn’t it enough that you’re filming the preparations? You can still film us walking down the aisle. Just not the vows. I want them to be personal. You get enough of us as it is. Our wedding was filmed, and the moments leading up to the births of Junior and Princess. For once I want to do something just for me and Pete.’

She tried to talk me round but I stayed firm. ‘I’m putting my foot down and that’s it. We’ll talk about our feelings before and after. You can film us from a distance, but not the actual words.’ It took a while and several phone calls but finally it was agreed that we would do it my way.

Now I started to feel more relaxed. Pete had already come up with the idea that we should leave our phones at home and it was the best thing we ever did. I advise anyone who is going on holiday to do the same. Because we didn’t have our phones to distract us, Pete and I gelled again. It was as if someone had lifted a dark cloud from over us and we began to have a laugh again, like old times. Pete revealed that he felt the same love for me as he had when he first met me, and I felt the same about him. We really did love each other so much. Pete said on film that over the last five years I had become very bossy and demanding, but ‘for all the stress she gives me, I love her more than ever’. And I simply said, ‘I love you.’

‘Is that it?’ he asked.

And so I told him that he was my first, my last and my everything. And I really meant it. However, we didn’t have much time on our own. We were with other people most of the time, even when we weren’t being filmed.

On the day of the ceremony the skies were grey and overcast and it was chilly, but I was happy and looking forward to the day. Pete also had a smile on his face as we’d had sex the night before. It was the first time since my surgery in August as I’d had to wait six weeks after the operation.

I can’t say it felt great. I had been in such agony after the surgery that my mind still remembered the pain even if my body was healed, so I couldn’t exactly relax. However, it was good to get close to him again. In fact, we were getting close in every way and I couldn’t help wondering what the fuck we’d been arguing about before. We loved each other and that was all that should matter.

Gary was with us to do my hair and make-up, and as he got to work on me on the day of the ceremony, and we sipped champagne, I was looking forward to the moment when I would tell Pete how I felt about him. I loved the white dress I’d chosen and the delicate diamanté tiara. In fact, I preferred the way I looked for this ceremony to how I did on my wedding day. Even though my pink Swarovski crystal-encrusted dress had cost an absolute fortune, it wasn’t quite how I had wanted it, and my pink crystal tiara and massive hair pieces had weighed me down. Whereas in my white number, with my hair down, I felt sexy and classy. I had to wear my grey UGGs, though, as it was so cold.

Pete too looked better than he had for our wedding, wearing a stunning white suit. And this time he hadn’t had Botox or hair extensions. I thought he looked gorgeous. I stood at the end of the aisle, which had been created outside with white urns and candles, and flowers woven on to the trees, and smiled at him.

Pete had chosen ‘Love Is’ by Vanessa Williams and Brian McKnight to be played as I walked up to join him. I felt as if it was a special moment as he took my hand. ‘This is the beginning of a new day for you,’ the minister told us as we exchanged the rings we’d made ourselves out of pieces of local leather we had both plaited. Sweet idea – but give me diamonds any day! The minister had this lovely idea of each of us lighting a candle then each of the candles lighting a bowl of methylated spirit, to symbolise our joined love which would hopefully burn for ever – the love, that is, not the fire. We were meant to take the bowl home and relight it on our anniversary, but the fire burned a bit too well and the bowl got so hot that it broke and burst into a fireball which had to be extinguished before it set the table on fire. Some people might have thought that was a bad sign, but if you spend your whole time worrying about things like that, you’re not really living your life, are you? However, looking back, given what did happen to my marriage with Pete, it is a bit ironic, isn’t it? Then finally the film crew left and we got the chance to say what we wanted to each other, just us, in front of the minister.

Then the cameras were back on as Pete and I walked arm in arm back down the aisle to the sound of ‘If You Were Here Tonight’ by Alexander O’Neal, and after that it was time for our wedding dinner. I wished it could have been just the two of us. It would have been so romantic to be outside, with the glow of the candles, the beautiful white flowers and the roaming deer. But Claire and Gary were there, the film crew were filming us, and then we had to do a photoshoot for
OK!
So beautiful as it looked, it ended up feeling like more work. I couldn’t help feeling that Pete and I never seemed to be able to do anything on our own, without it being filmed or part of a photoshoot.

Later on we went on a brilliant safari and got up close to the animals; but yet again we were rarely on our own, except when we were in our hotel room, watching movies in bed. But I did feel that we were bonding again, that our marriage was back on track. And I think we both rediscovered our love for each other. We spent five great days in the bush and then went to Cape Town. It didn’t feel like a second honeymoon because we were being filmed, but it still felt good.

In the back of my mind was the thought of my upcoming appearance at the Horse of the Year Show which was making me nervous – not just because of the performance itself but because of how Pete might react when I started riding again. Polly had filmed Andrew performing the dressage piece we were going to do, so that I could watch it while I was away and learn the routine. I only watched it when Pete wasn’t around as I couldn’t bear him to get wound up again and for us to argue, but he knew I had the film with me.

The South Africa trip definitely brought us closer. And it was a big test. I believe if you can love someone even though at times you hate them, then you’ve still got a relationship worth holding on to. If it had got to the point where we didn’t care what we said to each other or what the other person did, then I think that would have been it. Sadly, this time of happiness together was to be short-lived.