You Only Get One Life (28 page)

As I write these words I’m thinking about all the years I spent trying to change the world around me, particularly when I was married to Raoul. I fought to become a good wife and mother but the family could never have been what I wanted it to be. The best thing I can do now is to leave that behind me. I don’t try to alter or even to regret what has happened. Why worry about it?

Let me leave you with one last, irritating example of how people can be world-beaters at worrying about things that they can’t do anything about. Whenever it rains in Denmark – and it rains a lot – people complain as much as they do in the UK, but we all know it rains all the time – because it just does. So we shouldn’t worry – we need only to dig out our umbrellas and put them up. Embrace reality as it is – don’t try to make it the way you want it to be. It’s
raining? Well, let it rain! The fundamental question is this – do you want to live in your own life or will you live in the world in which you regret your decisions and wish away your time in wanting things to change? Of course you should change what you can, but I’m just saying you shouldn’t waste your mental energy trying to make changes where it’s not possible.

A good exercise is to make a list of everything in your life that you wish was different. Count how many items there are. As a rule you’ll have a handful. Cross out the ones you know that you’ll never be able to change. Does that feel good? Now you’ll be left with the things you can do. There’s so much you can still achieve with your life, but it won’t wait for you; it’ll pass you by if you don’t go for it. Prioritise and you’ll find you can make a real difference to your little corner of the world.

Jamaica proved to be exactly the break that we needed. We had some great times together and that was so important – our family had lost so much time and we needed to catch up. The kids loved Mattia: he proved himself to be a real friend to them and they could see it. They called him Uncle Matt –
Onkel
in Danish. He had become part of the family but he never tried to replace their father and that was the way it should have been. It was the first time as an adult that I felt a sense of connectedness and family. We did all the ordinary stuff that makes life worth living – playing games, watching TV, eating together. It was all I really wanted. Nobody was being yelled at and nobody did any yelling.

We spent a lot of time just chatting about what we were
all doing with our lives, about girlfriends, about work. I wasn’t the kind of mother who only wanted to know what their grades were: I was curious about what was on their iPods, what their favourite clothes were and where they liked to go out in the evening. As I asked I wondered what had really changed over the years – was it me, them or a mixture of everything? Now they weren’t boys any more, they were young, handsome men and I wanted to be a part of the lives they were leading.

I can never let myself forget that another part of my own life is that I was, and I remain, an alcoholic. It’s a chronic condition and one that I have to work on every day. I will even have to keep reminding myself when I’m at home in the Hollywood Hills: no more hectic barbecue parties in our garden for me, not even one glass of champagne when I’m at a reception – not any more. Not even when this book comes out. I will continue to go to AA meetings and if I feel I’m sliding, I will have to pick up myself up and keep going.

I had to leave many friends behind. Not because they were bad, but they just weren’t a good influence for me in my new way of living. It used to be that I would be terrified about missing out on even one acquaintance in case that meant I ended up alone yet now I deleted a whole bunch of my Italian friends from my mobile. Today I am surrounded only by my real, true friends and family – and I would do anything for them. I knew I owed my life to them and one day maybe I can do something similar in return.

As my own boys grow up now I am also looking forward to seeing them get established in their own careers and
maybe having children of their own. I think I’ll be the world’s best grandmother. I hope I could make grandchildren feel as loved as I did by my own grandmother. I’ll be there on the sidelines cheering them on in the good times and ready to offer my support when they’re finding it tough. I want to repay those 10 years I lost conducting my affair with the bottle.

Finally, I would like to do something about those people who, 20 years after my divorce from Sylvester, still call me Gitte Stallone. They look at me as if I’m a cartoon character and they write me off as a hopeless actress. I want to fulfil the dreams I’ve had since I was at my school’s concert playing at being Tina Turner. I’m so ready – I’ve never been more ready than I am now. I’ve got a good grasp of my priorities, I’ve made a plan and I’m sure I will reach some of my goals. I’m as excited as a kid on her way to Disneyland.

Raoulino was chasing Killian in the water while Mattia left the water to lie next to me. We talked about what I would do when I’m finished with the entertainment business. Perhaps we might start an exclusive restaurant in Thailand where we could spend time looking out over the sea in the sun. At that point it was enough that every day I lived I was getting further away from the nightmare I endured for so many years.

Mattia and the kids, not to say the rest of the world, would get used to Gitte in time. I was still working out how it felt to be her at last. Over the years I wasted so many business opportunities and I knew it would take a long time to rebuild that trust. I’d seen that it was easier to destroy relationships than to make everything right again: the most
important thing to do was to forgive myself and thank God I’ve taken that step.

Today I think about Gitte, young and spontaneous, and I feel proud of her and her long, strange journey. She overcame all the tests that came her way and she faced her share of difficulties. I’ve met many interesting people, achieved a great deal and I’ve always persevered. I was one of the first Danish supermodels, I married a Hollywood superstar, I was a singer… I want to remember that I’ve had a great life, despite the many terrible times.

Best of all, of course, are the Four Musketeers – my kids. And not to forget my wonderful husband who I love and who adores me, even though I am always very conscious of the gap in our ages. I ignore what people say, but I know they all have their opinions. Sometimes I can’t help feeling Mattia deserves better – I always feel like I have to be up-to-date and modern and it’s very exhausting. I suppose I feel that he could do more with his life and I know that I come with a bagful of issues; I only hope that he isn’t sacrificing too much for me – I don’t want to have to feel guilty, but I do worry. He’s living the life of me now, but when I was his age, wow! I had a very different agenda. Is that right? Well, it better be right, dammit!

Maybe I worry too much. Mattia doesn’t like the limelight and he stays away from the camera whenever he can. He knows what he wants and he’s pretty grounded, but I do think about ending up alone and frankly, it terrifies me. It’s only me who sees this as a problem because he certainly doesn’t. I talk about it all the time and he always reassures me. In fact, he gets sick of hearing about it.

One of the Jamaican birds on a tree by the beach stretched his wings and then launched himself into the clear sky. I followed his progress until I once more lost myself in my thoughts. When I looked again the bird was just a dot in the distance. It reminded me of watching the homing pigeons as a child. They would fly bravely to their destination and I would send my thoughts with them – perhaps they were on their outward trip to some faraway destination or just heading home.

The Bob Marley song finished and I smiled again as I remembered how much I liked him when I was a child. The pain of being teased and laughed at by the other kids in school had now gone. Once I would crawl reluctantly from one day to the next. Now I couldn’t wait to get up every morning and make the most of all the time I had, even if I needed to do nothing more than be with my family. Perhaps I would take a stroll down to the local market and buy a Bob Marley T-shirt that said, ‘Could You Be Loved’…

My mother and father, very young and very in love. They are both so beautiful.

My mother with me at 8 weeks old.

Me at 2 and a half years old, with my brand new little brother.

My class picture. We all look pretty scary.

July 8th 2006 – the happiest day of my life, getting married to Mattia.