You Know You Love Me (13 page)

to say the right thing. He was barely thinking at all. Blairs room was a blaze of candles.
A bottle of red wine was open on the floor, with two glasses beside it. Blair knelt down
and poured each of them a glass like a little geisha. She felt more comfortable naked in
the darkness of her room. What kind of music do you want to listen to? she asked Nate,
handing him a glass. Nate gulped the wine, swallowing noisily. Music? Anything you want.
Whatever, he said. Of course, Blair had her CD mix all cued up. The first song was
Coldplay, because she knew Nate liked them. Slow and sexy, rocker boy. Blair had made and
remade the movie of this moment in her head so many times she felt like an actress who was
finally getting her big break, playing the role of her career. She reached up and put her
hands on Nates shoulders. He tried not to look at her, but he couldnt help it. She was
naked, and she was beautiful. She was a girl and he was a boy. There have been plenty of
songs written about this. Take off your clothes, Nate, Blair whispered. Maybe after we do
it, Ill tell her, Nate thought. That didnt seem completely fair, but still, he kissed her.
And once he started, he couldnt stop.

When Serena woke up a little while later, Chuck had changed the channel to MTV2 and was
singing along loudly to Jay-Z. Serenas Pucci dress had ridden up above her waist, and her
lacy blue underwear was showing.

Serena propped herself up on her elbows and wiped the lip-gloss scum out of the corners of
her mouth. She pulled down her dress. What time is it? she said. Chuck glanced at her.
Time for us to take off our clothes and get in bed, he said impatiently. Hed been waiting
long enough.

Serenas head felt thick, and she was dying for a glass of water. I feel awful, she said,
sitting up and rubbing her forehead. I want to go home. Come on, Chuck said, flicking off
the TV. We could take a hot tub first. Thatll make you feel better.

No, Serena insisted. Fine, Chuck said angrily. He stood up. Theres water on the table. Put
your boots on, Ill help you get a cab. Serena pulled on her boots and stared at the cold
rain falling outside the hotel room window. Its raining, she said, taking a sip of the
water.

Chuck handed her a scarf, his trademark blue cashmere, monogrammed with the letters C.B.
Wrap it around your head, he said. Come on, lets go. Serena took the scarf and followed
Chuck out to the elevator. They rode down in silence. Serena knew Chuck was disappointed
that she was leaving, but she didnt care. She couldnt wait to get out into the fresh air
and into her own bed.

A cab pulled up, the Remi brothers poster in the box on the cabs roof. Serena thought it
looked like a close-up photograph of lips puckered into a kiss. Whats that? Mars? Chuck
joked, pointing to it. He glanced at Serena without a trace of humor in his eyes. No, its
your anus! Serena blinked at him. She couldnt tell if Chuck trying to be funny or if thats
what he actually thought the picture was.

Chuck held the cab door open for her, and she slid into the back seat. Thanks, Chuck, she
said sweetly, Ill see you soon, okay? Whatever, Chuck said. He leaned into the cab and
pressed Serena against the seat. Whats your problem anyway? he hissed. Youve been fucking
Nate Archibald since tenth grade, and Im sure you did just about every guy at boarding
school, and in France, too. What, are you like, too good to give me some?

Serena stared directly into Chucks eyes, seeing him as he really was for the first time.
Hed always been hard to like, but shed never actually hated him before. Thats okay, I
wouldnt want to do it with you anyway, Chuck sneered. I hear you have diseases.

Get away from me, Serena hissed, putting her hands on his chest and shoving him away. She
slammed the cab door shut in his face, and gave the driver her address. As the cab pulled
away, Serena hugged herself, staring straight ahead through the rain-spattered windshield.
When the taxi stopped at a light on the corner of Broadway and Spring, she opened the
door, leaned out, and threw up into the gutter.

That will teach her not to drink on an empty stomach. Chucks scarf swung from her neck and
dangled in the puddle of pink vomit on the pavement. Serena pulled the scarf off, wiped
her mouth on it, and stuffed it into her bag. Gross, she said, slamming the cab door
closed again. Tissue, miss? the cab driver offered, passing a box of Kleenex back to her.
Serena pulled one from the box and wiped her mouth with it. Thanks, she said. Then she sat
back in the seat and closed her eyes, grateful, as

always, for the kindness of strangers.

What about a condom or something? Blair murmured, gaping at Nates hard-on. It looked like
it was going to take over the world. She had managed to get all of his clothes off, and
now they were lying down on her bed on top of the covers. Theyd been fooling around for
almost an hour. On the stereo, the Jennifer Lopez song Love Dont Cost a Thing was playing,
and Blair was getting hotter and hotter. She reached for Nates hand and licked his
fingers, sucking greedily on the tip of each one. She had a feeling sex was going to be
even better than food.

Nate rolled onto his back while Blair sucked his fingers. He had been so uptight about
seeing Blair that he hadnt eaten dinner, and now he was feeling hungry. Maybe when he went
home hed pick up a burrito from the Mexican place on Lexington Avenue. Thats what he
wanted, a chicken and black bean burrito with extra guacamole. Blair bit down hard on his
pinky.

Ow, Nate said, his hard-on deflating as if it had been pricked with a pin. He sat up and
ran his hands through his hair. I cant do this, he muttered under his breath. What? Blair
said, sitting up too. Whats wrong? Her heart fell. This wasnt in the script. Nate was
ruining a perfect moment. Clumsily, Nate took Blairs hand and looked into her eyes for the
first time all night. I have to tell you something, he said. I cant do this without you
knowing. I feel like an asshole.

Blair could tell by the look in Nates eyes that the moment wasnt just ruined, it was
killed. What? she said softly. Nate reached down and gathered up the edges of the quilt.
He draped one end around Blairs shoulders and wrapped the other end around his waist. It
didnt seem right to talk about this when they were both so naked. He took Blairs hand
again.

Remember the summer before last when you were away in Scotland, at your aunts wedding?
Nate began. Blair nodded. It was so friggin hot that summer. I was in the city with my
Dad, just hanging out while he went to some meetings and stuff. I got bored, so I called
Serena in Ridgefield, and she came down. Nate noticed Blairs back stiffen when he
mentioned Serenas name. She removed her hand from his and crossed her arms over her chest,
her eyes suddenly distrustful.

We had some drinks and sat out in the garden. It was so hot, Serena started splashing
around in the fountain, and then she started splashing me. And I guess I got kind of
carried away. I mean Nate fumbled. He remembered what Cyrus had told him about

girls liking surprises. Well, Blair was about to be very surprised, and he didnt think she
was going to like it one bit. And what? Blair demanded. What happened? We kissed, Nate
said. He took a deep breath and held it. He couldnt just leave it at that. He blew the
breath out. And then we had sex.

Blair threw the quilt off her shoulders and stood up. I knew it! she shouted. Who hasnt
had sex with Serena? That nasty, slutty bitch! Im sorry, Blair. But it wasnt like, planned
or anything, Nate said. It just happened. And it was only that one time, promise. I just
didnt want you to think this was my first time, when it wasnt. I had to tell you.

Blair stomped into her bathroom and snatched her pink satin bathrobe off its hook. She put
it on, cinching the belt tight. Get the fuck out of here, Nate, she said, angry tears
sluicing her cheeks. I cant even look at you. Youre pathetic. Blair Nate pleaded. For a
split second he tried to think of something charming to say. He could usually think of
something, but nothing came. Blair slammed the bathroom door shut in his face. Nate stood
up and pulled on his boxers. Kitty Minky poked her head out from under the bed and stared
at him accusingly, her golden cat eyes glowing eerily in the dark. Nate grabbed his jeans,
shirt, and shoes and headed for the front door. He could hardly wait for that burrito.

The front door closed with a hollow bang, but Blair remained locked in the bathroom,
standing in front of the mirror glaring at her tear- stained reflection. The tube of
Serenas lip gloss was still lying on the sink where she had left it. Blair picked it up
with trembling fingers. Gash, it was called. What an ugly name. Of course Serena could
wear lip gloss with ugly names, and tights with holes in them, and dirty old shoes, and
never cut her hair, and still get the boy. Blair grunted at the irony of it all and opened
her bathroom window, tossing the lip gloss out into the night and waiting to hear it land
on the pavement below. But she couldnt hear a thing.

Her head was too full of the new movie she was working on. The movie in which the fabulous
Serena van der Woodsen was run over by a bus with her stupid picture plastered to the side
of it and was horribly maimed. Her old friend Blair would take time out from her busy life
with her doting husband, Nate, to feed Elephant Girl Serena mashed pears and tell her all
about the parties she and Nate had been to. Serena would grunt and fart in response, but

charitable Blair wouldnt mind. It was the least she could do. Everyone would call her
Saint Blair, and she would win awards for her golden heart.

Just before midnight, the taxi pulled up at 994 Fifth Avenue. Across the street, the steps
of the Metropolitan Museum of Art were deserted, glowing eerily white in the light of the
streetlamps. Serena stepped out of the cab and waved to Roland, the old night doorman, who
was dozing just inside the lobby. The door to the apartment building opened, but it wasnt
Roland who opened it. It was Nate.

Nate! Serena squealed, genuinely surprised. Hey, could you loan me five bucks? I havent
got enough cash. Usually the doorman helps me out, but I guess hes asleep. Nate pulled a
wad of bills out of his pocket and gave some to the taxi driver. He put his finger to his
lips and crept up to the front door of the building. Then he knocked loudly on the glass
door. Hello? he shouted.

Oh, Nate, Serena laughed. You are so mean! Roland snapped his eyes open and nearly fell
off his chair. Then he opened the door for them, and Serena and Nate ran inside and rode
the elevator up to Serenas apartment. Serena led the way to her room and sat down heavily
on the bed. Did you get my message? she yawned at Nate, pulling off her boots. I thought
youd come out tonight. I couldnt, Nate said. He picked up the little glass ballerina
perched on top of Serenas mahogany jewelry chest. She had the tiniest toes, like little
pinpoints. Hed forgotten about her. Well, it wasnt worth it anyway, Serena sighed. She lay
down on the bed. I am so tired, she said. She patted the bed next to her and slid over to
give Nate room. Come lie down and tell me a bedtime story? Nate put the ballerina down and
swallowed. Breathing in the scent of Serenas room with Serena in it made his heart hurt.
He lay down next to her, their bodies touching. Nate put his arm around Serena and she
kissed his cheek, snuggling in close. I was just over at Blairs, Nate said. But Serena
didnt answer. She was breathing steadily. Maybe she was already asleep. Nate lay still,
with his eyes open wide, his mind racing. He wondered if he and Blair were officially
broken up now. He wondered if he kissed Serena right now, full on the lips and told her he
loved her, how shed respond. He wondered if hed just gone ahead and had sex with Blair if
everything would have been all right.

Nate cast his eyes around the room, taking in all the familiar well- loved objects that
hed grown up seeing and forgotten all about. The kilt-wearing teddy bear from Scotland
that sat aristocratically on Serenas little dressing table. The big mahogany armoire with
its drawers half open and all her clothes spilling out of it. The little brown burn mark
hed made in ninth grade on the white canopy hanging from her bed.

On the floor by the door was Serenas red velvet bag. The contents had spilled out of it. A
blue pack of Gauloise cigarettes. A twenty- dollar bill. An Amex card. And a navy blue
scarf with the letters C.B. stitched on it in gold.

Why had she needed to borrow money from him when she had twenty dollars with her? Nate
wondered. And what the hell was she doing with Chuck Basss scarf? Nate turned over on his
side and Serena moaned softly as her head rolled back on the pillow. He studied her
critically. She was so beautiful and sexy and trusting, and so full of surprises. It was
hard to believe she was actually for real.

Serena reached up and put her arms around Nates neck, pulling him toward her. Come on, she
murmured, her eyes still closed. Sleep with me. Nates whole body tensed. He didnt know if
Serena meant just go to sleep or sleep with her, but he was definitely aroused. Any boy in
his right mind would be, which is exactly what turned Nate off. There was something so
careless about the way Serena had said it. Nate suddenly had no trouble imagining her
doing the things hed heard shed done. With Serena, anything was possible.

A glitter of silver caught his eye. It was the tiny silver box Serena kept on her bedside
table, full of her baby teeth. Every time he came over, Nate used to open up the
velvet-lined box to see if all the teeth were still there. But not this time. From the
look of things, Serena wasnt the same little girl whod lost all those teeth.

Nate pulled away from her and stood up. He snatched up Chucks scarf and tossed it on the
bed, not noticing that it was streaked with vomit. And then, without even looking at
Serena again, he left, slamming the door behind him.

Chicken. At the sound of the door closing Serena opened her eyes and breathed in the scent
of her own barf. Gagging, she threw the covers back and ran to the bathroom. She clutched
the rim of her white porcelain sink and heaved into it, her sides hurting with the effort.
Nothing came out. Serena turned on the shower as hot as it would go and pulled her clammy
Pucci dress over her head, dropping it on the floor. All she needed was a good hot shower
and

a little exfoliant. Tomorrow shed be good as new.

Disclaimer: All the real names of places, people, and events have been altered or
abbreviated to protect the innocent. Namely, me. hey people! THE VIRGIN ISSUE

Can you believe N? He was thisclose to getting a nice slice of B pie, if you know what I
mean. I guess were supposed to admire his self- control, his ability to keep the old hot
dog in the bun. But I bet B really wouldnt have minded too much if N had just kept his
mouth shut and got on with it instead of getting all moral on her and telling her all
about his time with S. I mean, whos B going to lose it to now?

I was wrong about boys. I always thought theyd do anything to bag a virgin. I mean, I
thought N would like the idea that B has never done it. But he doesnt seem to care about
that at all. All it does is make having sex with her this huge thing that he cant deal
with without smoking a big fattie and downing half a bottle of JD. So disappointing.

Not that he was too quick to jump Ss bones either, and we all know shes no virgin. Maybe N
just has high moral standards. Ooh, that makes me like him even more.

Your E-mail

Hey gossip girl,i saw S go upstairs with some dude at the Tribeca Star. she was wasted. i
was kind of tempted to knock on the door and see if there was a party going on or s/t, but
i chickened out. i just wanted your advice. do you think shed do me? i mean, she looks
pretty easy.Coop