You Can't Help Who You Love (6 page)

Danielle

I hated the way Dallas tried playing me. I knew what I was doing. I peeped how him and Miracle’s little spoiled ass was watching one another all day. I was surprised he pulled me in his lap and I thought he was just showing her that he was fucking with me and vice versa. But when I saw the look on her face when she stood at the bathroom door, I knew it was some deep shit going on within them that I was going to indeed get the scoop on. After he pulled off on me at the cookout, I got in my Impala and peeled out too. He told me that we could fuck later, so I was going to my section 8 apartment to get prepared for it. I pulled up and walked into the house. My three-year-old son, Dalvin, came running to me. “Mommy! I missed you,” he cooed at me. I had him when I was seventeen. At the time, I was fucking so many niggas that I didn’t know who he belonged to

So, I kept him a secret, letting my grandma watch him while I was out. She thought I had a real nine to five. But she didn’t know that I was cooking, weighing, and bagging dope. That was something she didn’t need to know. But, anyways, I scooped him up and gave him kisses. Though I was considered a hoe, I loved my son and the moment I found out I was pregnant, I knew I couldn’t get rid of him. It wasn’t in me to take a life away from someone who never had the chance to live at least some of it. I wanted a dad in his life, but honestly, I didn’t know where to start to find his real father. 

At the time, when I was 17, I was dating Dallas, some boys off their team, and this old man I gathered money from. Being that I was a hoe back then, I knew nobody would claim him. Call me crazy, but he was favoring Dallas’ ass more and more every day. I wanted to bring it to his attention, but hell, who would believe me. Like I said, in the beginning, Dallas and I was fucking with one another hard. He ended up cutting me off because they hood was talking and he claimed I just wanted to spend his money. The day he left, a few weeks later, I found out I was with child. I stayed off the scene for nine whole months until I had my son. After that, I went to De’Nardo about working in a trap. I claimed to want more for myself but that wasn’t it. I knew working under him, I was bound to be near Dallas. Just my luck, they placed me in the trap him and Quis ran. Even if it meant just sucking his dick, I was all for it. Because I loved him, I wanted to be near him. He didn’t think I knew but I caught when he called me M and, in all honesty, the shit made my blood boil. I wasn’t feeling it and they would know that one day. He was mine before her little spoiled ass came along, and he would be mine after she was gone as well.

De’Nardo

I hate when people think you’re not hip to the games they play. I knew everything from Dallas and Miracle to Halee and Marquis. Hell, even when little Halee let my son take her virginity. I knew it all, including the fact that Danielle was back trying to win Dallas over. I could see the look in her eyes that she wanted my daughter out of the picture and I would have that bitch’s head if she considered hurting a single strand of hair on my daughter. I played stupid and oblivious to everything. I had ears and eyes everywhere; I could be elsewhere, but I had my people on GO! Didn’t shit move and they didn’t think I knew about it. If they did, they were sadly mistaken because I knew. I been in this game since I was a Jit; all my workers I put on because I done been through the struggle as well.

I saw so much potential in both Dallas and Marquis, which was why I told my son not to bring any unnecessary drama into the squad. When it’s business, ain’t none of that father son shit; it was strictly business and he knew it. I would hate to have to fire my own son. But I would if it meant keeping shit leveled out. Some would consider me coldhearted while others wouldn’t. I just didn’t like shit fucking with my money. Though I had more money than I knew what to do with it, sometimes it was never enough. That’s how I knew it was time for me to exit the game; I was beginning to get greedy and anything could happen when you get greedy. I don’t know about most drug dealers, but I liked my freedom. Shit, I wasn’t looking to be on anyone else’s time but my own.

My mind went to my wife. Lord knows I missed her. She died on the operating table while giving birth to Miracle. When she came out, we hadn’t had a name, which is why I named her Miracle. That’s why I cherished my pumpkin so much; my wife made me promise to save Miracle over her and I respected it. She always told me she had lived a great life; now, all she wanted was for her daughter to do the same. You can’t hear too many people say some shit like that. She wasn’t selfish and even in death, I was in love with her because of it.

My time in the game was winding down, which was why I had the cookout. I was observing everyone, figuring out who I should hand shit down to. I had both of my sons. They went hard in the paint, but so did Dallas and Marquis. I was proud of both of my boys; I had been training them as long as they could talk. Most people give their empire down to their sons. But, I was thinking otherwise. Justin, he put that work in. So, his name was on the table right beside Dallas. I didn’t know who to choose. I knew my decision would fuck with Carter, but I didn’t think he was ready to be handling an entire empire. Not yet anyway. Help run it, yeah, but the entire thing? No. He was the hotheaded one who would no doubt destroy everything we worked so hard for and I didn’t want to see my empire going down the drain like that.

I let my mind wander while a little young tenderoni I met a while ago gave me top. You ain’t never too old to get ya dick sucked. Besides, I was only forty-three. I didn’t look a day over twenty-five though and that was a good thing. Her name was Missy, and I must admit, it was some good head. But nobody I ever came on to could suck dick better than my wife. Lord, may she rest in peace. I bet y’all thinking ‘He comparing her to someone who is dead.’ But if y’all ever been in my shoes, y’all would do the same damn thing. Enough said. I could admit, I did like her, but not enough to change the status of what we had going on.

I felt myself about to cum and when I did, it was like I was backed up. Once I stopped, there came some more. I watched her as she bent over and tried holding on to the headboard, preparing herself. “Nah, not tonight, that head you just gave me was good enough.” I slapped her ass. She sucked her teeth and I knew she had an attitude but shit, she had sucked me dry and all I wanted to do was KO. Seeing that she didn’t want me to cuddle her because she was in her feelings, I turned my back and fell asleep. That attitude shit didn’t move me at all.

*****

Waking up, it was almost twelve in the morning and I couldn’t sleep. I looked over at the company I had over and instantly got annoyed. I slid out of bed and headed to relieve myself of the piss I was holding in. After doing that, I grabbed a pre-rolled blunt and heading to the place where I always came to get my mind right. I looked back at my bed and started mumbling under my breath.

I don’t know what it was about Missy, but I couldn’t place my hands on it just yet. As soon as I sat in my chair on my balcony, thoughts came rushing to the forefront of my mind about my first true love, Elaine. She was the only woman who understood me when nobody else did. I let my mind wander back to when it was almost time for her to give birth to Miracle.

We were lying in the bed after I gave her one of my famous tongue whippings. That’s all we could do since she was at a high risk of having another baby. Having Carter was supposed to be the last time she ever carried a child. But with the fucking and sexing we did, along came Miracle. I wanted nothing more than to write my name inside her guts, but I would have to wait until after the baby came and her six weeks was up. I slid over and wrapped my hands around her. I was facing her back and she was facing the wall. “You know I love you, De’Nardo? We been through a lot of shit since we met, but our love only gotten stronger. I’m happy to have you as my children’s father. Yet, I can’t help but feel as though something is going to go wrong. I pray and pray about it. I handed it over to God a long time ago, but I can’t help but feel in my gut that some shit is going to go wrong,” she told me, rubbing on her belly.

“We can’t think like that. We are going to have this baby and continue on raising our kids and live our lives. You can’t think of the negative. Always think positive. As long as you placed the shit in God’s hands, then you have to believe that everything is going to pan out how it should,” I told her. I didn’t need her feeling any kind of way about anything. We didn’t need the extra stress. “I’m here and we going to get through this shit together,” I told her, kissing her neck. I didn’t pray, but I believed in God, no doubt. He is the reason for all my accomplishments.

“Just promise me this one thing. If it came down to it and something were to happen, just promise me that you would choose our child,” she told me, turning to look into my eyes. Hearing her say that, broke my heart.

“I can’t lose you. You’re my strength, my backbone; I won’t lose you. There will always be a time for us to continue having kids. I can’t make that promise,” I told her. It sounded bad but really, I couldn’t see life without my Elaine in it. She had been my light when shit was dark. Every time I needed to talk, she was there. Besides being a wife, she was my best friend and it had been that way for years.

“Just promise me. I know it’s a talk you don’t want to have, but we got to. This baby is coming and if it boiled down to it, choose her. I’ve lived my life and I’m happy. I just want to be able to let my daughter experience life like I did. She should at least have a fighting chance,” she told me.

“Whatever,” I replied, not wanting to talk about the shit no more. Little did she know, my mind was made up. That very same night, she had gone into labor. I instantly knew something was wrong because she was bleeding profusely. I thought she was being lazy to get up and use the bathroom and had pissed on herself. Sometimes, she couldn’t make it to the bathroom, but it didn’t bother me. I only loved her more for going through all of this shit. I woke up, only to see our sheets filled with blood.

“Elaine, baby! Get up! We have to get you to the hospital!” I yelled. She jumped up, but she was in pain, so she immediately laid back down.

“De’Nardo, baby, it’s time,” she told me with tears in her eyes.

“Woman! Don’t start that shit. Come on, so we can go deliver our daughter,” I barked. I didn’t mean to snap, but I couldn’t have these thoughts in my head. After I sent Justin and Carter to a girlfriend of one of my workers, I sped off.  I got to the hospital in the record time of seven minutes. I was snapping as I watched them wheel my wife into the ER. I was by her side the entire way. I looked down at her and didn’t see any ounce of fear, just love.

“I love you De’Nardo, forever and a day, to infinity and beyond,” she told me, blowing me a kiss. I knew in my heart that would be the last time I saw her alive. The doctors wouldn’t let me in the room and I was nutting all the way up. After three hours, twenty minutes, and two seconds, (yes I was counting) the doctor came out and informed me that my wife had indeed died on the delivery table. She offered me a hug and condolences, but I wasn’t hearing that shit.

“Take me to her. Right now!” I yelled at the doctor. Not meaning it, but I was hurt. Seeing her laid there in her own blood brought tears to my eyes.

“Sir, you really can’t be in here,” the doctor told me, trying to usher me out of the room. I snatched my body away from her and walked over to my wife. My sweet, caring, loveable wife. I stared down at her skin, which looked ashened.

“I love you, Elaine. You will always be my heart and I will never allow a woman to get me the way you did. Rest peacefully. I love you,” I said, leaning down to kiss her lips. I stood there for a while, getting my mind together before the doctor interrupted me.

“Your daughter made it; would you like to see her?” she asked me. I was in a trance, so all I could do was nod. The moment I laid eyes on my daughter, I fell in love and I completely understood what Elaine was talking about. Our daughter was the spitting image of her.

“Miracle,” I whispered to the doctor.

“Sir?” she asked, not knowing what I said.

“Miracle,” I repeated. “We are going to name her miracle,” I said. Since that day, I was a single father of three kids and might I add, I was doing damn good at it. I missed my wife terribly, but I knew I couldn’t bring her back, so I would cherish my kids because that’s the only real thing she left me. From that day forward, I was the best father I could be to all three of my children and I let them know every day that their mother loved them, no matter what.

I was deep in my thoughts when I felt a hand touch my shoulder. I instantly cringed because it was Missy. I didn’t want her. I was just using her to keep my mind off Elaine. I could be feeling her one day and the next, not. I wanted my wife back in the worst way. I would give it all up just to have her back with me.

Miracle

It took Halee and I damn near hours to get ready to go chill with the guys. I was in my feelings, but I brushed it off as I strutted into the condo Dallas owned, behind Quis and Halee. I was fucked up about seeing Dallas and Danielle in the bathroom together, but I wouldn’t let that shit get me down. I had to bounce back right quick. I’m too pretty to be hurt. I’d just shake back and show you what you’re missing and be done with it. Though that’s what I was thinking, all that shit went out the window when I saw him sitting on the couch with a small, tight fitting white tank top and some gym shorts. I pretended not to be looking as I watched him and Quis dap one another up. Like I figured they would, Halee and Quis walked off, leaving me in there with him looking stupid.

“What’s your problem M?” he asked me.

Like I was waiting on him to say something to me, I nutted up on his ass. “WHATS MY PROBLEM? Nigga, you are my muthafucking problem. I thought we were bonding? How could you fuck me and fall off the face of the earth, no texts no calls, not a thing!” I rambled off at him. That shit really bothered me because I had been feeling his ass for him to pull a Houdini on my ass.

He didn’t say a word; he just stared at me like I was crazy. “Can’t talk now though, huh?” I asked him.

“Man, M. Go on somewhere with that shit man. You tripping; you in here fussing about bonding but look at how you acting ma. We aren’t even in a relationship, so you mean to tell me if we dated, this is how you will act too, if I’m at work or some shit?” he asked, glaring me down. He was right. I was way in over my head right now. This wasn’t me at all and I wasn’t liking it.

“Ok,” I simply said, sitting down.

“Ma, if this is gone happen, it’s going to happen. Don’t force it. It’s cool because I like your little ass too! We’re just taking it slow. I didn’t hit you up because I needed to reevaluate everything. You liable to have me out here fucked up. I haven’t been like that with a female since I was with Danielle’s ass. And yes, before you started talking over me and shit, yeah, we were fucking with one another tough. Shit had to end because she was the hood hoe. No, we don’t date now, shit, we don’t even fuck. She just sucked me up from here to there. We broke shit off three years ago and I don’t plan on making shit work nowhere near soon. If I had to choose, it would be you. But let’s just let this shit happen on its own, if it’s meant to,” he told me.

I respected everything he had said because most niggas ain’t gone tell you nothing like that. So, he was right. “Well, I’m just letting you know, I won’t wait on you. I’m sure that you’ll be doing you, so I’ll be doing me too. Time doesn’t wait on any man, and it won’t start with you,” I said, turning on the tv and basically ending the conversation. I sat back and watch Love and Hip Hop. “I really can’t believe they are this dumb,” I scoffed, referring to Amina and Tara.

“Hey, you can’t judge because everyone has been a fool for someone,” Dallas told me, keeping it real. He leaned over and kissed me. Lord knows I wanted to kiss back, but I wasn’t going to keep fucking him, making him feel like this was only what it was.

“Nah, we good. We aren’t fucking around until we rockin’ and right now, we aren’t. So, step off,” I said, playfully punching him. I knew if I was going to be around him that I would have to put something else on my mind because being around this man made me weak in the knees.

*****

Days turned into weeks and those weeks turned into a full blown month. Dallas and I were becoming extremely close. We still haven’t made it official, but we often fucked around and I was tired of feeling like I was only a wet ass to him. I knew about every female he dealt with, who he fucked, who liked him, and vice versa. Spending all this time with him showed me he really wasn’t the asshole that y’all would think he was.

“Dallas?”

“Hm?” he mumbled back at me. I would like to think he was sleepy after the round I just gave his ass.

“Though we are like best friends and I love you, what would you say if I said I want more than that?” I asked him. “I’m tired of feeling like I’m only good enough to fuck,” I ranted.

“M, you know damn well you’re more than enough. I don’t mind us making this thing official. Ride with me and ride with you,” he told me. The look on his face told me that it was way more on his mind than what he let off.

“Dally, don’t hide nothing from me; we’re better than that. I’m not here to judge you,” I told him, sitting up and straddling his lap.

“I love you, no doubt about it. My whole life, I never met someone as solid and never wanting to give up on me like you. When I pushed you away, you came back swinging and that shows me a lot about you. I have a bad attitude, but you deal with it and for that I’ll always love you because I know that if I’m ever in need, then you’ll come through for a nigga and that’s what I need. But my biggest thing is being let down, how I was with Danielle. She was out here fucking the whole hood; niggas used to call her the hood booga and I didn’t know why. When I was near, she was all loyal and shit. By night, when I’m on the block, she hoeing like a prostitute or either finding someone else to fuck with her hood booga friends. If we make this step, don’t let me down,” he told me, staring in my eyes.

I get his pain because I know how it feels to be let down. “I’d never thug you like that,” I sincerely told him.

“Aight then bet, we rocking,” he told me, pulling me down on top of him for a kiss.

“It’s one in the afternoon; let’s go do something. We’ve been cooped up in this house for two days and I need some sunlight or I’m going to go crazy,” I told him. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. But I knew I had to get out of this house. We got in the shower and bathed one another. Afterwards, we climbed out and got dressed. I stepped into a black tank top strapped dress and a pair of J’s with the matching socks. My curls that I had Halee put in was still in there but was kind of matted due to the night we had here, so I grabbed my white girl brush and brushed the curls out and placed it in a messy but nice looking high riding ponytail. I looked at myself in the mirror and I was no doubt cute. I grabbed my MAC bag and fleeked my eyes brows and placed some Bubble Gum lip gloss on my hand. I walked back into the room to sit and wait on Dallas; sometimes, he could take more time than I did.

He stepped out of his walk-in closet dressed similar to me. Meaning shoes and all. We were cute and I wanted to take pictures. “Ooo, isn’t he fiiiine?” I said, dragging the word fine out.

“Whatever lil nigga, I felt like you was peeking at me,” he chuckled.

“Nigga, please, I was dressed and ready way before your slow, molasses in the ass.” I mushed his head. “Come take a picture with me. Matter of fact, that’s what I want to do today. Being that we just made it official, let’s go take some pictures. I’m convinced we will be together for a while, so we can make a photo album of us growing as one,” I said, smiling. I was happy and I wasn’t going to hide that I was.

“Bet, let’s do it then.” He smiled back at me, winking his eye. He grabbed my waist and let me take two pictures, so I could send them to him and place it on my lock screen and wallpaper. He horseplayed the entire way to his car. I was really in a happy place and I couldn’t even deny it.