Yiddishe Mamas (8 page)

Many of these comics, plus others, became writers, producers, as well as stars of TV and film—and some became the fathers of the Jewish mother stereotype, which continues today by mostly second- and third-generation sons.

After all, TV and film was (and remains) significantly Jewish in its origins, and in those who are in control as producers, network executives, and writers. As first-generation writers and comics, many not only found themselves in conflict with their family’s shtetl ideas, but they also found those ideas fertile sources of “subversive” humor.

“During pogroms, traits such as arguing were not negative,” writes Dr. Myrna Hant. “Some [of these] look like pathology in this country. They became a negative, an embarrassment [for the children]. There is some disgrace and shame on the part of the writers. As a rationalization, the Jewish mother is a comedic device.”

Scholarly pieces have been written about the assimilation and tug of war between the shtetl mother and her American child. Traits and values once revered in the Jewish mother now became a shameful embarrassment for some. This proved especially true for her sons since these traits were not only considered unnecessary now, but were also perceived as a noose, keeping them from being accepted and assimilated in the Gentile world. And they wanted to distance themselves from those characteristics. Jewish names were changed, while mockery and an alrightnik status became fodder for many comics.

“The guilt induced by the Old World was not her siren song; rather she demanded loyalty to herself and her expectations in this New World. The Jewish mother, thus, can become a cultural construct of negative mothering, a form of backlash against powerful mother images,” writes Dr. Myrna Hant.

“More, the womens’ movement also created a backlash, by creating ambiguity toward motherhood. By ridiculing her we can laugh at all women’s attempts at gaining power. We can laugh at her and keep her somewhat under control as she cleverly manipulates her own miniature environment. … The TV Jewish mother does represent a necessary but obnoxious ‘object’ in her children’s lives who appears to exist only so that her offspring can either be better or achieve more.”

The “Hover-Mother,” who hangs on, is typical of the Jewish mother that is portrayed in the media and turns the legitimate behavior of the shtetl mother into a destructive and limiting force for her children who are desperately trying to break free. Without context and with exaggeration, the neurosis falls squarely on her, making her, at best, a comic character, or at worst, a mildly demented she-witch.

A second media problem is the fear or avoidance of creative material that appears “too Jewish.”

A number of Jewish writers have complained that despite the fact that Hollywood film pioneers were Jewish, Jewish films (that aren’t about dead Jews) aren’t generally made. The term “too Jewish” is often used. Performers, until recently, changed their names, and especially females with exotic “Jewish” looks, such as Sarah Jessica Parker and Barbra Streisand, felt the sting of stereotyping early in their careers.

“Indy (Independent) films are more thoughtful,” says Binyamin Jolkovsky. “You can’t have
Touched by an Angel
Jewish-style. It’s not going to be bought. Behind the scenes, there’s a growing movement of Orthodox Jewish writers trying to right this wrong.”

All in all, media affronts are especially painful to Jewish women today, who are educated, savvy, and often liberal in their thinking regarding social issues. While PC is extended to every group, we remain the sorry victims of exaggeration and portrayals without balance. Another part of the problem is our changing world that idealizes “youth.”

“Parents are portrayed as cruel by young writers, even if unintentionally through dim-wittedness,” says actress Joanna Gleason. “Now they’re in their twenties and thirties. We’ve given adolescents power.”

“Fifty years ago, there was respect for elders,” says Mallory Lewis. “Now there’s a general level of disrespect for anyone over twenty-eight.”

A partial cause and consequence of the media stereotype, according to some scholars, is the “giving up” of a truly religious base on the part of many Jewish mothers who have traded Jewish spiritualism for materialism. Some are “Lite-Jews,” who have identified “culturally,” but have “negotiated” the actual practice of Jewish ritual, or have given it up altogether.

The late, great Wendy Wasserstein portrays this change in her famous 1993 play,
The Sisters Rosensweig,
which deals with three sisters, diverse in their assimilation yet bonded in love. Sara, the oldest, is the expatriate, atheistic banker in London. Then there is Gorgeous Teitelbaum, the observant housewife/advice maven from Newton, Massachussetts, who’s president of her Sisterhood. Finally, there’s Pfeni, the third-world socially conscious travel writer. When brittle Sara rebuffs the advances of Merv Kant, the visiting Jewish Brooklyn furrier … he challenges her by asserting their worlds aren’t so very different. Yet Sara asks him to give up, explaining she has turned her back on her family, her religion, and her country. Bitter, cold, and guilty, she wonders if that isn’t the old story of assimilation, suggesting he find someone who knows how to throw a good
Shabbes
and can carry off an orange crepe suit—something she cannot.

“Writers reflect what they’ve experienced … the majority are not traditionalists,” says Binyamin Jolkovsky. “Hollywood does not reflect Jewishness or the Jewish mother. Jewish writers don’t think spiritually. Mothers are portrayed as holding onto their child for their own aggrandizement. We have the mother who pushes for materialism instead of ‘be the best person you can be, the mensch.’ So we see the overbearing, distorted Yiddishe mama. A lot of Jewish males were affected and this has been self-perpetuating. Self-hatred is being fed.”

“When you have the freedom to choose other than what you’ve been taught, mothers may be unable to adapt,” says Rabbi Yocheved Mintz.

“The loss of this warm, giving anything of yourself for your children, is not used for the lens of tradition,” says Binyamin Jolkovsky, editor in chief of the superb
Jewishworldreview.com
. “Instead it
pushes materialism and power. There is a line … what becomes of selflessness, the consciousness of what is truly necessary and when you bring it into a culture that’s material—it becomes nasty.”

Along with the great liberties the Jewish mother and her family found in America, the price of assimilation has been costly. Human worth and success in the secular world began replacing Jewish values and traditions as a means of judgment, leaving some scholars and rabbis the Herculean task of holding their flocks together in an environment that no longer supports but, indeed, encourages a breakdown of our Jewishness.

In the extreme, the “alrightniks,” the nouveau riche, who are more concerned with status than Jewish ritual, have provided fodder for media and comics. In fact, this ambivalence surfaces when even the “alrightnik” fails to recognize him or herself.