Yiddishe Mamas (46 page)

“Calm down, madam,” he replied, “I need you to answer some questions.”

“Of course.”

“Can you describe him?”

“Well, officer, he’s fifty-two with gray hair—what’s left of it. He’s seventy pounds overweight. And he sweats from everywhere. He also screams a lot. He was wearing a brown suit, ten years old, with a stained white shirt… He fools with women
… and … he smells of herring. And … wait a minute, officer, on second thought…
never mind.”

O
:
ONLY ONE THING

A widowed mama was talking about her recent breakup with the businessman she was seeing, telling all to her married daughter.

“So, Mama, why did you stop seeing that nice senior businessman? You told me how much alike you are. You both love art and hate opera; you both love cats and hate dogs; you both love tea and hate coffee—”

“And,” added Mama, “we both love our Social Security checks and hate each other.”

P
:
THE PRAYER

A rabbi was talking to precocious six-year-old Mendel.

“So, you tell me that your mother says your prayers for you each night. That’s very commendable. What does she actually say?” Little Mendel replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”

Q
:
THE QUESTION

Maya went into labor for thirty-six hours. Finally Dr. Shlockman comes in.

“Oy-oy-oy!” yelled Maya, “I’m suffering terrible pains!! Please. Advice!!”

Dr. Shlockman replied, “
Nu,
so what did you think? You were going to
enjoy them?”

R
:
THE RULES

Mrs. Bronstein greeted the newest member of the canasta club to the tables.

“So, welcome to our group. As president, it’s incumbent upon me to welcome you to the group, and tell you our rules. We never tell a lady how she should have played a hand. We don’t discuss our husbands. We don’t boast about our grandchildren. Finally, we never discuss S-E-X. The way we all feel is: What was, was!”

S
:
SPIN

Two vacationers, Mrs. Shulman and Mrs. Feinberg, were rocking on the porch of a resort when a young man approached.

“Gottenyu!”
exclaimed Mrs. Feinberg in a loud whisper. “Look at that boy! Did you ever see such a nose? And those crossed eyes? A mouth, oy, the size of a latke.”

Mrs. Shulman icily replied, “It so happens, you’re talking about my grandson!”

“Lis-ten,” said Mrs. Feinberg quickly, “on
him,
it’s becoming!”

T
:
TWO JEWS THREE OPINIONS

After forty years together and five children, Isaac and Sylvia were not doing too well in the marriage department. After consulting the rabbi, they reconciled, but it was a no go, and they wound up in divorce court. The judge turned to Isaac.

“What terrible thing has brought you to this point that you can’t keep your forty-year marriage together?”

Isaac answered, “Your honor, not one thing could Sylvia and I agree on in the three weeks we were back together—”

“Excuse me, Your Honor,” interjected Sylvia, “Make that two weeks!”

U
:
THE UNIVERSE

Melvin was reading the paper when he noticed an interesting item.

“Mama,” he said. “It says in the paper that the world is getting smaller.”

“This, I don’t believe,” answered mama, adamantly.

“It’s here—in black and white.”

“OK, OK,” said she. “But if the universe is getting smaller, so why is it taking your father longer to get home each night?”

V
: “
VELL
…?!”

The following is a true story. When I was in my twenties, I developed a blood clot and was hospitalized. My grandmother called me—not to find out how I was. She had a more important agenda:

“Darling, so you’ve been laying there ten days.
Vell?
Did you meet a doctor yet?”

“Well … actually, I did meet an opthomologist …”

“Eyes!” she cried. “Vat kind of doctor’s that! From hearts, from brains—now
dat’s a
doctor.
Vell
…?!”

W
:
WHERE’S THERE’S A WILL THERE’S A WIFE

Seymour worked hard and became wealthy. As he lie dying, he talked to his wife.

“Minnie … here are my last wishes.”

“Whatever you want, I’ll do.”

“First, the business I leave to Morty, our eldest.”

“Morty!” Minnie protested. “Morty’s always with the girls. Better to leave it to Jeffrey.”

“OK, Jeffrey,” he sighed. “Now, the bonds I leave to Thelma.”

“Better me,” argued Minnie. “In two days, she’ll spend at Bloomingdale’s.”

“Alright. The summer house I leave to our Adah.”

“She’s not spoiled enough? Leave it to Morty.”

Finally, summoning his last ounce of strength, Seymour lifted himself up and said, “Minnie … who’s dying here—me or you?”

X
:
X-AXIS

Little Irving sat down with his mama, as always, to do his homework.

“Mama … what’s an x-axis?”

“Darling, what do I know from x’s? But it’s a good question.”

“Well, what about stem cell research?”

“The only stems I know are on fruit,” she answered.

“Well, why does lightning come before thunder?”

“I forgot, but I’ll look it up later.”

Then little Irving asked, “Do you mind me asking you all these questions?”

“Mamala!
If you don’t ask, how can you learn!”

Y
:
THE YACHT

Morty made a killing in the stock market, so he bought a yacht and all the fittings—a fancy “captain’s” uniform with white jacket, hat, and epaulettes. One Sunday, he invited his mama from the Bronx to take a look.

“Some yacht, huh, Mama? So, what do you think of your boy chick now?”

“Very nice,” she murmured.

“See?” Morty said, pointing to his epaulettes. “I’m a regular captain now!”

Mama rolled her eyes.

“Well,” said Morty, indignant. “You don’t seem very impressed.”

“Morty darling,” his mother said. “By the world you’re a captain, by me you’re a captain—but believe me sonny, by a
captain,
you’re no captain!”

Z
:
THE ZIONIST BIG SHOT

At a banquet for a rich Zionist, forty people, including the mayor, celebrities, and other
machers
(big shots) gave huge testimonials about the guest of honor. They all gushed over his generosity, his humanity, and his contributions to Israel. Mama Greenbaum’s son, Morris, a kidney specialist, brought her along. After the thirtieth speech extolling the man’s greatness, she turned to her son.

“Morris,” she whispered. “Why does such a big shot need so many character witnesses?”

A
ll the women included are mothers, or contributed mightily to motherhood. The list could go on and on and is by no means exhaustive.

Bella Abzug, Paula Ackerman, Sara Adler, Stella Adler, Mary An tin, Joyce Antler, Ruhama Avraham, Diane Arbus, Rose Arensberg, Beatrice Fox Auerbach, Lauren Bacall, Jennie Loitman Barron, Charlotte Baum, Matilda Blaustine, Beatrice Alexander Behrman, Gertrude Berg, Shelley Berkley, Helen Beverley, Stella Blits-Agsteribbe, Judy Blume, Naomi Blumenthal, Barbara Boxer, Fanny Brice, Fanny Brin, E. M. Broner, Joyce Brothers, Hortense Calisher, Rachel Calof, Aviva Cantor, Shoshana Cardin, Peggy Charren, Betty Comden, Elizabeth Levy Cooper, Dr. Gerty Theresa Radnitz Cori, Carolyn Blumenthal Danz, Helene Deutsch, Bettina Donau, Jennie Migel-Drachman, Rosa Katzenstein-Drachman, Anna Dresden-Polak, Celia Dropkin, Amy Eilberg, Judith Kaplan Eisenstein, Hannah Bachman Einstein, Nora Ephron, Judith G. Epstein, Dianne Feinstein, Merle Feld, Tovah Feldshuh, Clara Ferrin-Bloom, Terese Marx Ferrin, Dorothy Fields, Marilyn Fierro, Julia Frank, Bilhah Abigaill Levy Franks, Betty Friedan, Ruth Cohen Frisch, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Judy Gold, Francine Goldberg, Caroline Goodman, Lee Grant, Rebecca Gratz, Blu Greenberg, Bernice Degginer Greengard, Jennie Grossinger, Ruth Gruber, Minnie Guggenheimer, Ruth Handler, Ida Handwerker, Myrna Hant, Goldie Hawn, Esther Hays, Carolyn Heilbrun, Gladys Heldman, Lee M. Hendler, Fannie Hurst, Paula Hyman, Rebekah Hyneman, Fannie
Jaffe, Janet Rosenberg Jagan, Ruth Prawer Jhabvala, Regina Jones, Pauline Kael, Florence Prag Kahn, Andrea Kalinowski, Ida Kaminska, Deborah Kaplan, Bel Kaufman, Lainie Kazan, Judith Kaye, Agnes Keleti, Faye Kellerman, Carole King, Irena Kirszenstein-szewinska, Minna Kleeberg, Melanie Klein, Lea Kloot-Nordheim, Blanche Wolf Knopf, Syd Koff, Rebekah Kohut, Annie Cohen Kopchovsky, Bonnie Koppell, Lilli Cohen Kretzmer, Mathilde Krim, Madeleine Kunin, Hedy Lamarr, Estée Lauder, Esther Lederer, Francis Lehman Loeb, Anne Lapidus Lerner, Gerda Lerner, Lena Levine, Flora Lewis, Mallory Lewis, Shari Lewis, Hadassah Lieberman, Irma Levy Lindheim, Helen Levinthal Lyons, Regina Margareten, Lane Bryant Malsin, Elaine May, Charlotte Mayerson, Golda Meir, Adah Isaacs Menken, Annie Nathan Meyer, Lenore P. Meyerhoff, Marilyn Michaels, Sonya Michel, Gertrude Michelson, Bette Midler, Abigail Minis, Ida Mintz, Yocheved Mintz, Penina Moise, Kadia Molodowksy, Belle Moskowitz, Rahel Musleah, Barbara Myerhoff, Bess Myerson, Dona Gracia Nasi, Joan Nathan, Maud Nathan, Joan Nathanson, Louise Nevelson, Tillie Lerner Olsen, Fredele Oysher, Cynthia Ozick, Grace Paley, Gail Parent, Mollie Parnis, Dalia Rabin Pelossof, Roberta Peters, Irna Phillips, Eugenia Levy Phillips, Rebecca Machado Phillips, Molly Picon, Letty Cottin Pogrebin, Susan Polgar, Eve Pollard, Sally Priesand, Judith Raskin, Fanny Reading, Freda Resnikoff, Adrienne Rich, Joan Rivers, Nacha Rivkin, Annie Rochlin, Roseanne Ida Rosenthal, Esther Roth, Helena Rubinstein, Muriel Rukeyser, Esther Ruskay, Aline Bernstein Saarinen, Summer Sanders, Sandy Eisenberg, Sasso Mathilde Schechter, Susan Weidman Schneider, Allyson Schwartz, Barbara Seaman, Frances “Fannie” Sheftall, Naomi Shemer, Dinah Shore, Sylvia Sidney, Beverly Sills, Joan Micklin Silver, Anna Sokolow, Anna Freudenthal-solomon, Hannah Greenebaum Solomon, Rosa Sonnenschein, Susan Sontag, Flora Spiegelberg, Fanny Goldberg Stahl, Dawn Steel, Bettina Donau Steinfeld, Julia Kaufman Strauss, Barbra Streisand, Eva Szekely, Linda Kaplan Thaler, Chana Timoner, Dara Torres, Barbara Tuchman, Sophie Tucker, Lillian Vernon, Barbara Walters,
Eileen Warshaw, Wendy Wasserstein, Lotus Weinstock, Margaret Whitman, Shelley Winters, Rosalyn Sussman Yalow, Julia Frank Zeckendorf, Lydia Hatoel-Zuckerman.

M
ARTY
A
LLEN:
The “Hello, Dere!” man with the Don King locks and ping-pong ball eyes is still making crowds howl. He performs with his wife, the super singer and straight lady Karon Kate Blackwell, in Las Vegas venues, clubs around the world, and on cruise ships. When Nat King Cole put the comic legend together with Steve Rossi, they became the biggest duo since Martin and Lewis. Mr. Allen, a soldier’s medal recipient, is a tireless charity performer (particularly Holocaust-related), actor, and an art and book expert.

R
ABBI
B
OB
A
LPER:
Rabbi Alper is a stand-up comic with a fresh, “unorthodox” style that delights audiences of all backgrounds from Hollywood’s IMPROV to the Montreal Comedy Festival. He is the first Jewish person to ever earn a doctorate from the Princeton Theological Seminary and still conducts High Holiday services in congregations both in Buffalo and Philadelphia. He’s been seen on
Good Morning America,
Showtime, the BBC, CNN, and
Extra.
Rabbi Alper performs nearly one hundred shows per year, often with Muslim/Arab comedian Ahmed Ahmed. He is the author of
Life Doesn’t Get Any Better Than This,
and
A Rabbi Confesses,
an award-winning cartoon book. He has also created two best-selling comedy CDs. (
BobAlper.com
)

K
AYE
B
ALLARD:
M
S.
Ballard was fifteen when she made her debut in a USO show in her hometown of Cleveland. Two years later, she was a solo performer on the RKO vaudeville circuit. She’s distinguished herself in film but is known primarily for her work in cabaret, theater, and televison. She starred in the sitcom,
The Mothers-in-Law,
and was later seen on
The Doris Day Show
and
The Steve Allen Comedy Hour,
among others. She received
the Hal Erickson, All Movie Guide Award and was nominated for a Drama Desk Award. A powerhouse since 1950, she remains a much-in-demand cabaret and stage performer. Ms. Ballard has appeared in
Quartet
with Simon Jones, but claims her best role was Mama, in
Gypsy.

C
ONGRESSWOMAN
S
HELLEY
B
ERKLEY:
She began serving in the U.S. House of Representatives in January 1999, representing constituents living in the First Congressional District of Nevada. She is the mother of two sons: Sam, a student who recently returned from studying in Israel, and Max, a graduate of the University of Arizona. In March of 1999, she married Dr. Lawrence Lehrner, a nephrologist, who has two children of his own: David, putting his graduate degree from Indiana University to use at MGM Mirage, and Stephanie, a family practice physician. Congresswoman Berkley enjoys historical fiction and entertaining guests with her gourmet cooking.

T
HEODORE
B
IKEL:
The Viennese-born Emmy-winning actor, singer, author, linguist, and activist is a true Renaissance man. He created the role of Baron von Trapp in
The Sound Of Music
on Broadway, and has played Tevye in
Fiddler on the Roof,
over 2,000 times. His films include
The Defiant Ones, The African Queen, My Fair Lady, The Russians Are Coming, The Russians Are Coming,
and
Shadow Conspiracy.
Mr. Bikel is politically active and was elected as a delegate to the 1968 Democratic Convention. Among many appointments, he was also senior vice president of the American Jewish Congress, president of the Actors’ Equity Association, and, by presidential appointment, a member of the National Council on the Arts. He is currently president of the Associated Actors and Artists of America. Mr. Bikel has two sons.