Year of the Monsoon (18 page)

Lyn stood very still, running her fingers back and forth over the bristles of the brush in her hand.

“She’s divorced now. We had dinner together last night.” Leisa stopped pacing and turned to face Lyn. “I haven’t told Nan.”

Lyn’s eyes narrowed a bit as she regarded Leisa. “What else happened last night?”

Leisa’s cheeks burned a splotchy red. “We kissed.”

Lyn leaned against the sink, crossing her arms. “Why are you telling me this? Are you asking for absolution? Because if you are, you came to the wrong place,” she said coolly.

Leisa’s face went from red to a chalky white. She looked as if she might pass out. Lyn’s expression softened as she guided Leisa to the daybed.

“Are you still in love with –?”

“Sarah.”

“Sarah. Are you still in love with her?” Lyn asked.

Leisa shook her head. “No. I guess part of me has always wondered, you know, what if?”

Lyn scraped flecks of paint off her fingernails as she considered. “Look, I can understand never getting over an old lover. Especially your first lover. I can understand falling out of love with someone you’ve been with for years. It happens.” She looked up at Leisa. “I don’t understand cheating on someone who still loves you. If that’s what you’re contemplating, I can’t be part of that. I won’t do that to Nan.”

“I wouldn’t, either,” Leisa said hastily. “I won’t.”

“Then why are you kissing Sarah?”

Leisa averted her gaze, unable to respond.

“Don’t see her again.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“It is if you want it to be,” Lyn insisted firmly.

“It is if you want it to be,” Leisa repeated to herself as she drove in the darkness to the gym. She had contemplated simply quitting and joining another gym elsewhere, but she felt as if the specter of Sarah’s presence would continue to haunt her if she just ran away. When Sarah had trapped her against the car – “when I let her trap me,” Leisa reminded herself – she had suddenly felt powerless. It was like being back in college all over again, back when she tortured herself, wondering and waiting to see if Sarah would come back to her. And the longer she went without telling Nan about Sarah, the more it felt as if she were cheating – “or at least thinking about it,” said a sly voice in her head.

Angrily, she pounded her fist on the steering wheel, which only succeeded in making her hand hurt.

“When did this happen?” she wanted to scream. “When did I become the one who needs to ask forgiveness, who needs to earn Nan’s trust again?” She sat in the gym’s parking lot, and pressed her forehead against the steering wheel. Nan. The feel of Nan’s hand holding hers last Saturday when they were all at Jo Ann and Bruce’s for dinner, the look in Nan’s eyes when she was talking with Mariela and glanced up to see Leisa watching them. Nan was what she wanted, but she couldn’t remember… couldn’t remember how to tell her that; couldn’t remember what it used to be like to spontaneously throw her arms around Nan and tell her how much she loved her, or what it felt like to be held safe in Nan’s loving arms.

But that wasn’t all she couldn’t remember anymore. She couldn’t remember her mother’s scent unless she went into her bedroom and sniffed her perfume bottle. She couldn’t remember the sound of her father’s voice telling her the story about the baby store – she could remember the words, but not his voice… She was losing memories when memories were all she had left.

She put the car in gear and squealed out of the parking lot. Back at the house, she began packing a suitcase and got on the Internet to print out driving directions to Ithaca.

Nan hurried along the cobbled street near Fell’s Point. The April sun was surprisingly warm as it reflected off the cobbled and brick surfaces. She was supposed to meet Lyn and Maddie for dinner at Jimmy’s and then go to the gallery for a new exhibit. She’d been held up by a couple of telephone calls she had to return before the weekend, and now was running late. She got to the restaurant and saw them already seated at a table.

“Hi,” she said as she dropped into an empty chair.

“Long week?” Maddie asked.

Nan released a pent-up breath. “Interminable. How was yours?”

“Not too bad. No catastrophes. That’s always cause for celebration,” Maddie replied, raising her iced tea in a toast.

Nan turned to Lyn. “How about you?”

“I’ve had a great week. Got a few new pieces on exhibit at the gallery, but Pat Moran’s work is being showcased this month.”

Their server came to take their orders. After she left, Nan said, “I don’t suppose Leisa is coming tonight?”

Maddie shook her head. “I don’t think Leisa’s in town. She called me early this morning and asked for the day off. Said she was going to New York for the weekend.”

Nan frowned. “You’re kidding.”

“No, why?”

“The only reason I can think of for her to go to New York is to meet her biological mother,” Nan explained.

“What?” Lyn and Maddie asked in unison.

Nan relayed what Leisa had told her about the registration process. “The last we spoke about it, she hadn’t heard back from anyone and hadn’t told Jo Ann and Bruce yet.”

Lyn leaned forward and rested her chin on her hand. “What is going on with you two? Are you talking? Is there any sign of getting back together? I mean, it’s been what… four, five weeks?”

Nan wound her straw wrapper around her finger as she said, “I don’t know. It’s weird. It’s not like our time together is angry or hurtful. Easter weekend was the best it’s been for a long time. The way she looked at me a couple of times… but she hasn’t said anything about coming home, and I haven’t wanted to push.”

Maddie leaned forward, too. “Why haven’t you wanted to push? This whole thing has been strangely civil.”

Nan brushed back the strand of hair tickling her cheek. “I know. I’m… I’m just afraid that I’ve got to be ready to give her an ultimatum if I decide to push, and I’m not there yet.” She glanced back up at both of them. “What do I do if I force her to make a decision and she says no?”

“Are you ready to just be friends with her and let the relationship go?” Lyn asked.

“No! Absolutely not,” Nan said emphatically. She sat back, her hands gripping the table. “Has she said that’s what she wants?”

“Not at all,” Lyn replied, laying a reassuring hand on her arm. “That was just me wondering, that’s all.”

Their food arrived and they ate quickly to get to the gallery on time. As always, there was a nice turnout of patrons and several of the artist-members of the gallery co-op. As Nan wandered through the exhibit looking at the various pieces, she rounded a corner and nearly ran into a woman coming from the opposite direction.

“Nan!” said the woman as Nan mumbled an apology without really looking at her.

Nan glanced up and said, “Shelly. Hi. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it was you.”

“Oh my God!” said Shelly with a tinkling laugh. “How long has it been?”

“Um, I’m not sure,” Nan said, biting her tongue to keep from adding, “but not long enough.”

Shelly batted her eyelashes at Nan and ran a hand up and down her arm. “I’ve missed you.”

“Too bad you didn’t miss me while you were cheating on me,” but Nan didn’t say that, either. “Um…”

If Shelly noticed that Nan hadn’t returned the sentiment, she ignored it. “How are you?” she asked.

“Fine,” Nan said guardedly, pulling away.

“I was so sorry to hear about you and Leisa,” Shelly said. Her voice and facial expression were sympathetic, but the glint of curiosity in her eyes suggested otherwise.

“You know, it’s the weirdest thing,” Nan said in puzzlement the second time she had run into an old girlfriend after she and Leisa had moved in together. “Women who left me high and dry suddenly seem all interested now that I’m with you.”

“Of course they are,” Leisa said with a smug expression. “They know what they were stupid enough to let go of, and now they know I have it.”

“It?” Nan asked, eyebrows arched.

“Well,” Leisa grinned coyly, wrapping her arms around Nan’s neck. “You know what I mean. That magic you have – in your lips… and your tongue… and your hands,” she added, punctuating each named body part with a kiss.

Nan laughed. “If it’s magic, it’s only magic since it found you.”

“I was so sorry to hear about you and Leisa.”

Nan frowned a little. “Where did you hear that?”

Shelly covered her mouth with her hand. “Oh, my God, I’m sorry. I thought you knew word was out. You know how fast it travels. And then, the thing with Leisa and her trainer –”

Even Shelly had the grace to look genuinely distraught at having let that slip. “I’ve got to go. Bye,” she said hurriedly as she continued on her way.

Nan found an empty bench along one wall and sat heavily. Lyn saw her and hurried over.

“Are you all right?” Lyn asked. “Was that Shelly?”

Nan nodded, still not saying anything.

“What did she say?” Lyn asked angrily, sitting beside Nan on the bench. “You look awful.”

Nan looked up at her. “She knew about Leisa and me, but she also said something about Leisa and her trainer. What the –” She saw the abrupt change in Lyn’s expression. “Oh, please…”

Lyn couldn’t meet the tortured look in Nan’s eyes. “It’s not what you think.” She glanced quickly around. “Give me a minute to tell Maddie we’re going.”

Lyn was back in a moment and guided Nan outside. She took her by the arm and steered her toward the waterfront. “Maddie will meet us down here.”

“What do you know?” Nan forced herself to ask at last when Lyn didn’t say any more.

Lyn sighed. “A couple of days ago, Leisa came to me. Apparently an old lover from college is working as a trainer at the gym she joined. Someone named –”

“Sarah,” Nan interjected.

Lyn looked over at her. “Yes. Leisa told me she had a hard time getting over her.”

Nan nodded. “She did. It wasn’t completely over when we met. Sarah was married by then, but wanted Leisa back on the side. That was one of the reasons it took us so long to get together; Leisa had to sort all of this out.” A stony expression settled over her face as she braced for what she didn’t want to hear. “What happened?”

“Not much,” Lyn said, trying to reassure Nan. “They had dinner, they kissed. Leisa swears she has no intention of letting it go any further. I was pretty pissed at her. I hope I didn’t scare her away from talking to me again, but I pretty much told her I would have no part of covering if she was cheating on you.”