Xtreme Manly Man Force of Intense Badassery: Book One: The Fountain of Testoserone (3 page)

“Where is he?”

“The person who told me saw him at 7th
street, his friend said they were going to get something to eat at
'the coolest joint in town, ya' dweeb',” Firi explains with a mixed
expression.

“Is that all you know?”

“Yup.” she hands the map back to its
owner. UDGD takes the map, and turns to leave.

“Thanks,” he says, in the precise same
manner he had an hour ago. The Axeman leaves and travels to 7th
street.

As usual, the earthy street is packed
with creatures and humanoid beings of all shapes and sizes, all
buying or selling something at they think they need to have or get
rid of, but probably don't. UDGD's eyes scan through the crowds
until he spots a certain vendor, currently negotiating a price for
a dimensional sheath, an expensive but effective way to store one’s
weapon. The Bloody Axeman UDGD weaves through the crowd and looms
over the short gnome.

“Jagger,” UDGD says, rudely
interrupting the gnome and his potential client. Jagger Mc.
Fiddleclick hears the voice of a man he is terrified of and as such
respects without measure.

“Hey there!” Jagger says as he
hastefully turns his head to deliver a winning smile.

“Y’saw the man who could read maps,
right?” UDGD grunts while crossing his arms.

“Why yes! He actually jus-”

“Hey, you rude ruffian! Couldn't you
see I was in the middle of a purchase?!” an elf, the customer
interrupted by UDGD, exclaims, ready to engage in a most unpleasant
civil argument.

ENGAGE!

UDGD punches the elf in the face,
knocking out three of his teeth and breaking his nose. The elf is
toppled to the dirty cobblestone ground and pathetically scampers
off with a hand covering his bloody face.

VICTORY!

Jagger suppresses a gasp of shock, and
speaks.

“Eheh... so yeah, he actually just went
inside 'Au Natural' with his friend,” Jagger responds with a grin,
hiding his horror as best he can. UDGD nods and leaves without a
word as he wipes the elf's blood from his fist. Jagger, the gnome,
cleans his forehead for sweat; “that Graveman is so incredibly
violent,” he silently whimpers to himself.

The Axeman meshes through the varied
crowd a bit more until he gets to the entrance of the fanciest
restaurant in the lower quarter: Au Natural. The arrogantly bright
sign shines over the passing crowds as the night cycle begins all
across the realm. UDGD scowls with unplaced anger and walks up to
the bouncer. With one look, the guard recognizes who is standing in
front of him and steps aside. Normally the bouncer would say
something irritating and aggressive, like, “Only rich poor people
through here,” or “Yeah? You're not getting in, covered in blood
like that,” but he has long ago learned that UDGD is not the kind
of man someone wants on his bad side. UDGD steps to the side of the
guard, asserting his intention to enter, but also asks a
question.

“Where is the map-reading guy
seated?”

“Eh, private room #14,” the guard
replies after a quick look at his seating papers. Without another
word, UDGD enters the establishment smelling of sissy drinks and,
ignoring the gazes of the weak sissy people at the various tables,
steps up the stairs to the private rooms. UDGD walks down the hall
balcony, overlooking the entire first floor, and opens room number
fourteen without knocking.

Instantly gaining his attention is a
character, even by UDGD’s standards. Sitting in the small and cozy
room, with plate-after-plate of expensive food stacked high, is a
short, chocolate colored man with the largest purple afro UDGD has
ever seen, and a really really stupid pair of purple-tinted
goggles. Inscribed across the two goggles is the phrase “Swagzone
360”. UDGD feels this is already enough to label this apparently
highly skilled man not manly, and looking down at his clothing only
affirms this more. The man is wearing a mix of purple and white
that is so tacky, UDGD thought it would have been impossible to
look this lame- like a miracle of stupidity. UDGD tries his best
not to laugh at the short man and successfully manages to keep a
straight face.

“You just gonna’ stare? What do you
want, Noob?” the short, rather overweight man asks with a look of
accusation in his eyes. His voice sounds like a drowning cat. UDGD
forces out an almost silent, neigh-undetectable snicker.

“I need ya’ to read a map,” UDGD asks
with a serious glare as he pulls out the ancient scroll.

“Pffft, give it here, you dweeb. Why
didn't you ask me sooner?” the short, overweight man demands as he
snatches the map from the axe warrior's grasp. UDGD would punch
this obnoxious fool in his face, but he needs him to read the map,
and people generally dislike other people who punch them in the
face. The ridiculous, wide-nosed man hums skeptically as he looks
over the map at different angles and distances, striking UDGD to
guess that he the man actually has a clue about
map-reading.

About half a minute passes and the
strange, human-shaped object next to the small man moves. UDGD is
set back, having thought it was just a mannequin that the annoying
wimp brought along to keep him company for the night. The figure,
gazing from under a large, concealing cloak, looks to be of the
tall, muscular shape of a man. Looking under the hood, UDGD can
only see the sheen of what seems like some sort of metal- must be
well armored.

“Perhaps I could take a look at it?”
the tall figure asks with an air of perfect calmness. The short man
scoffs at the tall one's request. UDGD is squints in thought; these
two people seem like polar opposites.

“Shut up, you dork, I'm busy,” he says,
pathetically lurched over the cryptic map. Half a minute more
passes, and the short man pushes the map over to the tall,
fully-armored one.

“Right, of course I know how to
decipher this kind of map, but this butt munch over here could use
the practice,” he claims, crossing his arms as he motions with his
head over to the taller one. The cloaked figure looks at the map
for only four seconds.

“This map shows geographic features
that are highly similar to a configuration in subspace sector
#79,014. Pardon me, sir, but do you know what this is supposed to
lead to?” The figure says with his eloquent, gentle poise
overpowering the crude, childish disposition of the other man at
the table.

“It leads to something that I need.
That's all ya' need t' know,” UDGD says with a distrusting glare.
The cloaked man tilts his head quizzically, an action that, if he
did not look so mysteriously awesome, UDGD would think quite
unmanly.

“Well, you dirty dweeb, we want in!
Isn't that right, no faced dork?” the short man says as he shoves
some expensive dish in his mouth. The tall one is still for a
moment and then nods.

“It would be my pleasure to guide you
there,” he says along with a polite bow. UDGD is skeptical, but
he’s sure he can just kill them both later if they get in the way
of him and his goal.

“Fine, merc name’s Ultra Death Graveman
Death Death Death, but mos' jus' call me Death,” UDGD says as he
crosses his arms with a cavernous scowl. The short man with a
purple afro bursts into laughter.

“Death? Talk about a noob name! My name
is the utmost in both originality and
fear-striking-into-the-hearts-of-peopl...ity.” The afro-man fires a
hand pistols at UDGD, just like a sissy would. UDGD leans his head
forward a tad.

“N’jus' what would that be?”

“Mr. Honkers, you foolish dweeb,” the
short man states as if he had just given the final answer on a game
show, deeming him the winner of a new car. UDGD sighs- this man
looks like the dumbest he's ever met.

“And you?” UDGD questions the tall one,
looming over the table.

“A.C.--”

“He's nothing but a dork,” Mr. Honkers
interrupts with a stupid grin while adjusting the goggles over his
eyes. The tall man tilts his head to the other side just a
bit.

“Well... perhaps it would be better to
give my title then. The people around here call me Insanely
Masculine Robot Man,” he says, handing the map back across to UDGD.
UDGD wonders a moment what a robot is, and decides it would make
him look like a sissy if he were to ask - so he doesn’t.

“When will ya' be ready to
leave?”

“Oh, I require my beauty sleep and
customary twenty hot girls massaging my feet session. I'll probably
be done at the start of light cycle tomorrow,” Mr. Honkers makes
aware as he gets up from his seat. UDGD watches in manly disbelief
as Mr. Honkers stands at full height. He is wearing platform
shoes.

CHECK“Have a problem with how awesome I
am?” Mr. Honkers questions as he steps to the door. IMRM also rises
to leave; his cloak elegantly lifts with him like a mantle of
mysteriousness, and then he looks up to the door
alertly.

“Three approaching,” IMRM says with an
awake, but unexcited tone. UDGD is about to call him out on how he
would know, but immediately hears rapid footsteps closing in on
their room. A group bursts through the door. The posse consists of
the elf whom UDGD punched in the face earlier, and two big guys
that he’s just paid really, really well.

“There he is! Make him sorry!” the elf
squeals in an entirely-unmanly fashion.

Without a moment's pause the two men
draw their broadswords and step towards the three in the room with
the intent to kill. Not to UDGD's surprise, IMRM is capably armed.
IMRM, equipping himself with even more impressive speed than UDGD,
reaches into his cloak, and pulls out a large black scythe with
patches of red neon, something he could not possibly hold inside
unless using some kind of crazyass-magic-dimensional technology. In
the breath before the fight, UDGD wonders if these men are anything
like the sorcerers he’s heard about; horrible, demonic creatures
that devour the souls of men.

ENGAGE!

IMRM draws back the massive scythe and
throws his strike across the hands of his foes. With a deft swing,
the scythe's blade slices across through every pair of hands. Two
swords fly to the side of the room as their owners cry loudly in
pain and panic. With hands that look like tangled thickets of white
and crimson, they dash out of the room like sissy baby cowards. The
elf, in utter disbelief that his hired men have been defeated with
such speed and precision, turns to leave, but not before UDGD
dashes up to him enraged, ready to make him wish he never showed
his face around him a second time.

The Grim Axeman delivers a punch so
devastating, so masculine, so violent, straight into the face of
the elf, that sub space slows down for a few fleeting seconds, just
to see the elf's skull crack under the force, and his brain crushed
as a result. The elf tumbles onto the floor pathetically, quickly
going limp.

VICTORY!

UDGD turns to Mr. Honkers, having
finally drawn out his blade, placing it back into its
sheath.

“Well well, looks like the thought of
fighting me really messed with their psyches and provided enough
time for you two to beat 'em! Not bad, robo dork, but you still
have a lot to learn before you'll be worthy enough to wipe my
bottom,” Mr. Honkers says with a master-like grin on his face.
IMRM’s poise returns to that of subservience and
serenity.

“Yes, certainly,” IMRM responds with an
bow of the head. UDGD shakes his fist of the elf's blood, looking
over the two with a frown.

“So, meet me at th’Taskman's Guild hall
at first of light cycle tomorrow,” UDGD states in an
almost-commanding tone. IMRM nods his head, and Mr. Honkers
shrugs.

“We'll see if I can find the time. I
have sooo much to do after all,” he says with a suave jiggle of his
afro. UDGD, his business completed, walks out of the room and goes
home for the night. This looks to be easier than
expected.

CHAPTER FOUR: GETTING THROUGH
SECURITY

The start of the light cycle has come
to the subspace realm, and there is a very manly and unhappy
looking warrior leaning against the door frame to the Taskman's
Guild, awaiting a couple of peculiar figures. UDGD crosses his arms
skeptically, wondering if the short stupid one of that duo can even
wake up at a half-decent hour to do anything other than eat cereal,
roll in mud, and other shenanigans that a weak weakling would be
partial to doing. He waits one more minute and just as the great
clock in the sky ticks to the first hour, he sees coming down the
street the short joke of a man and his tall enigma of a companion,
concealed inside his flowing, almost religiously-cleaned
cloak.

“Heya, Dweebster,” Mr. Honkers greets
UDGD with a raising of the hand.

“Yeah, hey,” the coal-skinned axemen
responds with a ridged scowl as he wonders if this man calls
everyone names. IMRM nods his head respectably in a greeting, which
UDGD responds in turn with an even longer manly frown.

“Please pardon our lateness. Are you
ready to go to the space gate?” IMRM asks, referring to a large
gate that makes use of magic technology.

The gates, very useful inventions by a
long-dead wizard by the name of Rondi, enables people uneducated in
the highest levels of dimensional magic arts, (that being around
99.99999% of the Omniverse's population,) to freely travel between
dimensions, as all Space Gates are connected through an incredibly
complex magical teleportation system.