Xtreme Manly Man Force of Intense Badassery: Book One: The Fountain of Testoserone (10 page)

“I am not a 'snigglin' little snake!
And besides, you haven't even been walking!” DTO retorts, his calm
composure disintegrating into sissiness. UDGD rolls his eyes,
observing sissiness all around him in completely-unacceptable
measures.

“What? Of course I haven't been
walking! It's not easy having super huge biceps like these, that's
why IMRM carries me around, he's my... eh... carry-around guy!” Mr.
Honkers says, totally justifying his reasoning with perfect
flawless logic. UDGD sighs, and looks away to the darkness as the
two continue their complaining and arguing; a few seconds pass of
staring into the brim of darkness by their side, as manly, poorly
written free-form poetry begins to overtake his mind.

Manly dark, cold as the nails in the
eyes of my foes,

Where all do you lurk?

Do you hide in the deepest caverns,
defended by beasts?

Do you drift in the reaches of space,
pierced only by the stars and their kings?

Do you lurk in the lowest of the lands,
unknown to all but the lands themselves?

Nay,

Like a punch to the face do you
hold,

Living in the most unlikely of
places,

Manly dark, you dwell in the blood of
every living human,

That race that speaks darkness with his
mouth,

And commits darkness with his
hand,

Dismal,

Darkness,

Dread,

Doom,

Death,

Dismally-Dark Dreadful Dooming
Death.

Aye,

Tis' blood where thee
lurketh,

Be thy –

“Pardon me,” IMRM says, interrupting
DTO and Mr. Honkers from their unmanly squabbling, and breaking
UDGD out from his trance of bad manly poetry.

“Don't interrupt me,
butt-nerd-face-dork!” Mr. Honkers chastises to his tall
companion.

“My apologies, but I think it is fair
to bring to your attention that there is good amount of lights
ahead,” IMRM states, inserting the group back into a mode of
caution.

“Lights? I don't see any,” DTO says
curiously.

The others may not say it, but they
agree completely with DTO. Not a single light is visible in the
distance. It all looks like the same swampy swamp, as it has been
for most of the day.

“You must be seeing things, Insanely
Masculine Robert Guy, it's all pitch black,” DTO says, deciding
that IMRM is simply fatigued and is in need of rest. IMRM is quiet
for a moment as he walks along with Mr. Honkers on his
shoulders.

“I see,” he says, humoring his ally's
opinion, if only to be polite. A few seconds pass,; however, and
the others can see a faint, flickering light in the distance.
Seeing the light, DTO's thoughts become crossed between the source
of the flickering, dreary flame in the distance, and how IMRM was
able to see it with such clarity.

“Wait, no, there it is,” DTO says
abashedly, a bit embarrassed that he discounted his comrade's
observation. Upon seeing the light in the distance, and along with
that, the faint lightening of the forest that would betray the
presence of more lights, a smile crosses SISY's face.

“Nice, I bet there's people up ahead,”
he says, the thought of cutting them all in half from their torsos
lucidly entersing his mind.

“Peh! Well they must be a bunch of
stupid nerdweebs, living in a swamp like this!” Mr. Honkers says,
overlooking the possibility of them being awesome and manly in any
way.

“Heh, no way, Honkey. If they're living
in a swamp, they're obviously – ”

“Shut up, you Buttscrub! I told you not
to call me that!”

“Eh? No you didn't.”

“Yes I did, Nerbscerb!”

“What's the problem with calling you
that?”

“The problem, you dweeb? It’s pretty
obvious th – ”

“Quiet, please. They’ll hear us,” DTO
says the moment Mr. Honkers begins to raise his voice over
whispering volume.

“Does it matter?” UDGD, who has little
fear of most any foe, questions to DTO. The Cloaked Rapier User
looks at the Grim Axemen with a bit of contempt.

“Well I guess it depends. Do we want to
fight someone without knowing who they are?” DTO questions, half
seriously.

“Dun care much. I c'n kill almost
anything,” UDGD says. SISY makes a large grin hearing his comrade
say this.

“REALLY NOW?! IS THAT A CHAL –
”

“Shut up, dammit!” DTO
chastises.

“Yeah, scrub!”

“You too! SON OF A BITCH! Do you even
understand the concept of being qui – ”

“Did you hear that?” A voice says off
in the distance, instantly quieting DTO's reprimanding to a halt.
Mr. Honkers and SISY chuckle gleefully, realizing that the person
in the distance heard them because DTO was being louder than the
others. DTO sighs.

“Sorry,” DTO apologizes to the others,
as the flames in the distance gather close and speak with multiple,
weak sounding, feminine voices.

“Our cover's blown, let's go say
hello,” UDGD says with a tone as grim as ever. SISY
nods.

“LET'S TASTE SOME BLOOD!” SISY says,
almost yelling.

“Let's do it, scrubs. Robo-scrub, you
ready?”

“I suppose.” IMRM says, lowering his
profile for a dash.

“But what if they're peac –
”

“HEY WEAKLINGS!” UDGD interrupts DTO as
he rushes out of the darkened trees and forward towards the flames.
The others bolt ahead, leaving DTO to slowly get to his feet in
dismay, and then enter a stride to catch up.

The group races forward up to the
lights, which seem to be saying things like “Oh, shit!” or
“Raiders! Get ready!” as they approach. Upon getting closer, the
group can see that the lights are not just lighting for the various
tree-bound huts and walkways, but in the hands of the inhabitants
as well, as if they were handling the flames like everyday
objects.

“Fire, now!” one of the men, dressed in
a heavy, dirty mess of garments and cloaks yells in a sissyish
voice to the others.

Suddenly the lights in the hands of the
men flare up viciously as they hurl fire towards the
group.

“Huh,” UDGD mutters, seeing the fire
rush at them with intense speed.

“THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME!” SISY
yells in excitement.

“Holy shit! Is that magic!?” DTO yells
from farther off as he reaches around for his buckler. No one
answers him, as by this time the first wave of fiery orbs hurls at
the force of manly men.

ENGAGE!

IMRM, carrying Mr. Honkers with care,
easily dodges the flames sent his way, proving to be far more agile
than anyone else in the group. UDGD rushes right into a fireball
and throws a punch right into it, as he swiftly draws his axe with
his other arm. SISY, the one who finds the concept of
“manly-suffering” the most attractive out of the group, rushes
right into the flaming magic, barely caring for his own wellbeing,
as he rather enjoys pain during battles. DTO, just entering the
range of the fire bolts, raises his buckler with care to fend off
the fire. A few seconds of dashing, dodging, punching, burning and
blocking pass as the group of men reach the users of fire magic,
and then the real fight begins.

IMRM, the first to the pyromancers, was
just about to rest Mr. Honkers in one arm and retrieve his scythe,
when Mr. Honkers begins to kick his legs about, signaling that he
wants to be put down. Such an action would be quite cute if Mr.
Honkers were five years old; he is not, however, – he just acts
like it. IMRM, taking bolt after bolt of fire on his body,
carefully sets the small man down and reaches for his scythe. If
the pyromancers were smart they would have realized that using fire
on a mysterious cloaked person causes their cloak to burn off, thus
making them look really, really cool. IMRM's dark cloak blazes off,
revealing his body just as he pulls out his glowing edged scythe.
Subspace, realizing the intense coolness of the moment, begins
droning out the most “tr00 kvlt” of metal music, setting the stage
for many, many slow-motion kills. UDGD would look IMRM over, but he
moves quickly, and there is no time in the midst of
combat.

Scythe in hand, IMRM sweeps across the
crowd in a quick motion, lacerating their hands into pathetic flaps
of flesh. As their hands are broken, the fire magic they were
containing in them begins to burn their insides. A chorus of
screams and cries emit from the pyromancers, alerting their
brethren. More exit their tree-bound homes to join in on the fight.
UDGD rushes up with an under-arm strike to the chest of his first
pyromancer, sending him flying up into the air as his rib cage is
smashed open, sending his blood and entrails falling upon the Grim
Axeman. SISY, practically ignited now, is the next to get up to the
group, and meets his sword with a thrust to the face of his first
foe, splitting through his teeth and out the other end. DTO is the
last of them, unsure of the group’s moral choice, but certain that
he needs to fit in. He eagerly meets his blade with two
pyromancers, alternating on strikes. The five now assembled with
Mr. Honkers, again in the middle, again fiddling with his device,
again desperately trying to find out how it works.

The pyromancers become more aggressive,
drawing their weapons and engulfing them in manly flames as they
leap forward to do their own share of damage. A
particularly-ambitious pyromancer throws a large splash of fiery
magic in the middle of the group, separating the manly group, also
causing IMRM to pull Mr. Honkers out of the blast zone. At this
moment, there are about four pyromancers going for each one in the
team; basically meaning IMRM has to fight eight by
himself.

UDGD grasps his first one and uses him
as a shield, as the other pyromancers spew torrents of fire from
their hands like the breath of a dragon. With his living shield
taking the flame, UDGD rushes up and smashes the second pyromancer
on the side with his axe, cutting across enough to empty his entire
torso of his organs. The third one squeals like a sissy in fear,
terrified by the sight of his friend's quick and manly death. The
pyromancer steps back to gain some distance, but not quickly enough
before UDGD leaps up and smashes his axe straight into the
unfortunate pyromancer's skull, cleaving deep into the collarbone
and sending cranial matter flowing down the blade of his axe.
Seeing the others are doing fairly well in their own fights, UDGD
throws down his human shield, still alive, and watches him attempt
to douse the flames on the ground. UDGD raises his axe to kill his
foe, and then to exterminate the others.

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, YOU
STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS?!” yells an incredibly-loud voice from across
the village. UDGD and the others quit their fighting as they see in
the distance more flames, but one far larger than those of the
previous. UDGD lowers his axe, right into the last downed
pyromancer's face and then spits on his foe's corpse before looking
up at the approaching flames.

The Subspace Orchestra begins strumming
guitars viciously into a slow, angry stairway to heaven, clearly
communicating to the group that they are now encountering the true
manly man of the swamp. Out from the darkness, steps the leader of
the great badass swamp, looking rightly displeased by the corpses
of his people around him. UDGD takes this moment to look him over
as he and the rest of his pyromancers approach.

The man is dressed in the same large,
heavy layers of fabrics and leathers like the others, but has a
presence that is totally different. Aside from being about nine
times the size of the other pyromancers, he also has two of those
magic pyromanious flames in his hand, presumably meaning he can
control both, and thus cast twice as fast as his underlings. As
UDGD looks him over, he can faintly hear the Subspace Orchestra
rise up as a choir, singing “Awwww! Awwww!” in a melodic manner,
matching the guitars as they repeat the simple, brutish verse again
and again. UDGD usually does not care about music, or at least that
is what he would have people believe, but that aside, if the
Subspace Orchestra is making a big deal about this guy, than he
probably is a pretty big deal. A matter of fact, this guy is
probably not just a manly man, but also a stone-cold badass. He is
not certain yet, though; he'll have to watch him carefully to make
sure he is worthy to be measured with such a ruler.

“So, you stupid retard neckbeards, what
the hell do you think you're doing, going and killing our damn
women?” he asks, giant, finger-sized teeth lining crookedly and
grinding in swamp-like wrath. The great pyromancers has two
enormous scars at both sides of his mouth, wounds opening and
bleeding as he talks.

Hearing his words, half of the group is
set aback in surprise, while the others don't really care all that
much. DTO, among those whose sword is sexist, (or “polite”, as he
would put it,) gets to his knees and inspects one of the corpses;
they look perfectly masculine, even down in the nether regions –
gross.

“Eh, they're all guys,” DTO says with a
confused tone. The giant pyromancer spits some blood, far across,
right on DTO's mysterious hood. Apparently he always has about a
cup's worth of blood in his mouth at all times, so he can do that
as much as he likes.