Xtreme Manly Man Force of Intense Badassery: Book One: The Fountain of Testoserone (11 page)

“Shut up, you convoluted twat – acting
like you know what you're talking about. Our race has no real
women. That's just the name we give to our weakest,” the
Pyromanious Lord says as the Subspace Orchestra accompanies his
proclamation with a sweet industrial riff of distorted
guitars.

UDGD has decided that this man is
actually worthy of being measured on the badass scale for the
following reasons:

-He constantly has blood in his mouth,
seeping from his torn lips with every word.

-He is an advanced “offender,” using
fancy words like “convoluted” and “retard” to discredit his
opponents.

-He is on fire.

- His race consists of only
men.

-He is friggin' huge.

-The Subspace Orchestra is treating him
like a big deal.

From these numerous observations, UDGD
deems this guy an obvious badass. The problem here is that UDGD has
only met one other man (also today), that he feels is worthy of
calling a badass: the blood-colored knight. To develop UDGD's new
scale, he will need to compare the two and decide which one is
manlier. The Grim Axeman racks his brain for a moment to decide
upon who is cooler.

The Knight from the bridge is quiet and
cool.

The Pyromancer is irritated and
Xtreme.

After thinking about it, UDGD comes to
an astounding realization, but the implications of it are so
mind-boggling that he'll need to think on it some more before
coming to a conclusion. Could it be possible that they are both
manly, but in different ways? Perhaps he'll just have fight this
man to confirm this, as everyone who is worth their salt
understands that (manliness+badassery)-sissiness=fighting prowess.
Time to test this guy.

“Oh, really? So, eh, how exactly do you
guys... reproduce?” DTO asks, as if everyone were uncomfortable
with talking about sex. The pyromancers laugh.

“You Dysfunctional little butthole,
we're not a bunch of faggots like you guys. WE THROW UP OUR
CHILDREN!” the pyromancer yells. Suddenly all one hundred guitars
in the Subspace Orchestra wail madly and baddassinly as the leader
of the pyromancers gags and chokes up a body, about the size and
shape of a young man. The body passing through his mouth tears open
the scars wide open, displaying the high pyromancer’s gaping,
crimson jaws. The body stands up and files in rank with the other
pyromancers.

“Holy shit.”

“By Ree, THAT'S AMAZING!”

“What a dweeb.”

“Sick.”

“What an interesting method of
reproduction,” the five of the group all say in their own ways. The
gigantic pyromancer suddenly throws up about a gallon of blood, and
wipes the excess from his face.

“See? I hope you little faggots are
ready to have your buttholes seared shut with our pyromancy,” the
leader of the fire magicians say to the group, small in comparison
to the army of pyromancers surrounding them. UDGD huffs.

“You think throwing up your children is
manly?” UDGD says to the leader, clearly baiting him.

“Duh, yeah. Your race has to reproduce
with the pinnacle of sissiness. Females!” the Leader says, causing
the laughter of the other pyromancers around him. UDGD
smirks.

“It's a shame that you're all too
stupid to get a girl to marry you. The plight of creating and
raising a child without the use of cheap ass sorcery like that shit
you're using is far more trying of a man. So move over, pussies, a
real man’s comin’ through,” UDGD says bluntly. The pyromancers are
enraged and set aback a moment as the leader thinks of a
response.

“Marriage? Ha! What a stupid pussy.
Only the weak ask women to make love to them,” the Leader says to
UDGD, causing another wave of jeering and agreement from the other
pyromancers. Mr. Honkers nods in approval to the Lead pyromancer's
stance on the matter.

“You should listen to him, ya'
dwee-”

“Shut up,” UDGD bites coldly to Mr.
Honkers. UDGD regains eye contact with the Leader. “Hell no. You
talk like it's so simple, but guess the fuck what, it's not simple
at all. The scale of a man's worth isn't how good they are at one
thing, but how well they adapt, and if the only way you adapt is by
throwing up little boys, then I gotta' say you're probably the
weakest prick I've ever met. And about marriage; I won't have you
talking down to wo – I – I mean marriage is one of the best ways to
prove one's ability to seduce and dominate weak, stupid, inferior
females. You're simply unable to, because you're a sissy,” UDGD
says, slipping up and almost destroying his reputation as a
manipulative, angry, stonehearted man. The Leader scowls at UDGD.
You can call a man anything you want, but if you call him a sissy,
you best be ready to back yourself up with your fists.

“Oh, fuck. Are you ready to back that
shit up?” the Leader asks, falling back on the weakest of swear
words in a tizzy of confusion. The Leader didn't even comprehend
the possibility of being called a sissy. “I'm going to fucking
destroy you!” He says as his flames rage out of control. UDGD
scoffs, realizing that this guy isn't all that manly. UDGD has
decided, the bloody knight from the toll bridge is way
manlier.

“Anytime, bitch,” UDGD challenges, as
he brandishes his axe. The other pyromancers look at their leader,
who is now fuming quite literally.

“YOU'RE A DEAD MAN! YOU, ME, RIGHT
NOW!” he yells, stomping his gigantic foot into the ground with
furious abandon. UDGD steps forward, and prepares to kick some
major ass.

“H-hey, Dweeb! What do you think you're
doing, fighting without us?” Mr. Honkers says, speaking as if he
has actually fought a day in his life. UDGD looks back at Mr.
Honkers, only to say: “Just a second.”

UDGD steps up to the Leader of the
pyromancer tribe, and hardens his grip.

“Before I tear off your balls, fry
them, and shove 'em down your throat, I think we should exchange
names,” the enormous Pyromancer, about eight times bigger than
UDGD, says with a scowl as deep as an abyss. UDGD stares at his
foe, waiting for him to tell his name first, and figures it doesn't
matter much.

“They call me Ultra Death Graveman
Death Death Death. I'm th' #2 mercenary of – ”

“Your name is all I asked for, dumbass.
By the way, that name is pretty fucking gay. My name's Blaze Force
Xtreme-Ray Doom Skull Crusher-While-Burning-Your-Anus-Shut Ultra
Mega!” the leader exclaims with victorious wrath. The leader of the
pyromancers, whose real name is “Etlan” for those curious Readers
wondering, cracks his knuckles as his minions cheer. UDGD rolls his
eyes, and raises his axe.

ENGAGE!

UDGD holds his axe high, and waits for
the over-confident Etlan to make his move. Etlan rushes forward and
initiates with a bone-shatteringly strong right strike to UDGD. As
was the Axeman's expected outcome, he sends his axe forcefully into
the arm of the pyromancer. A quick slash of boiling blood flies out
from the wound, but the swing barely breaks half an inch into his
arm. UDGD draws out and dodges another decimating punch from Etlan,
but this time charged with fire, increasing the speed and manliness
of the strike. The fist grazes the Axeman, but not enough to get
through his black suit of heavy armor. The two opponents step back
a moment, thinking over a strategy. Etlan underestimated UDGD's
agility, just as UDGD underestimated Etlan's thick skin. Only a
second passes as they rethink their techniques, and then they step
forward again to ruin one-another.

UDGD aims the next strike for the head,
but still waits for the Etlan to make his own move. Etlan charges
his blazing hands and lobs a few bolts of mortarous fire at his
foe. UDGD calmly steps past each one as Etlan charges forward. The
pyromancer leaps up and curves back his arm, preparing to punch
through UDGD's skull from above. UDGD moves accordingly and reverts
his stance to his highest. Quickly the axe and the fist collide,
splitting through the hand of Etlan, and forcing UDGD's axe down
into his own face. UDGD steps back to wipe the hot blood from his
face, but not before delivering a quick jab with his armored foot
to Etlan's crotch. Etlan doesn't even flinch, and continues his
assault. Giving UDGD no time to recuperate, Etlan throws
fist-after-fist of fiery doom towards his enemy, each one either
dodged entirely, or barely grazing him. All this time, UDGD meets
Etlan's fists with his axe, splitting and mangling the fingers of
his hand one by one. After a couple of circles, Etlan, who has
finally begun to tire, steps back as he delivers an irritated, pain
racked groan.

The two stand at odds with one another,
as Etlan takes a single look at his bloodied, useless hands, and,
after coughing up a bit of blood, begins to speak.

“Relagag hal halvaindo. Halegog rol
rolevaisto. Rol-” the gigantic pyromancer begins to mutter in a
grave, angered tone. UDGD raises a brow in curiosity, wondering why
his enemy is suddenly being such a sissy by speaking unintelligible
things. The regrettable thing is that UDGD has never heard anyone
cast a spell before.

Mr. Honkers and IMRM, unlike the three
others in the group, are quite educated in the existence and use of
magics that require incantations, and as such, the more vocal of
the two speak up.

“What are you doing, you stupid peck?
He's casting a spell!” Mr. Honkers says with a smirk, glad to see
his comrade is less intelligent than him (intelligence being used
as a subjective term here). UDGD looks back at Mr. Honkers,
delivering a face that asks “really?” and runs toward his foe,
deciding it would be better to take the small midget's advice than
die by arcane treachery. Etlan raises his voice as UDGD races
forward, finishing his incantation.

“Ragol relto!” Etlan says as he locks
his eyes upon his target and inhales. UDGD leaps into the air the
same moment Etlan exhales a hellfire of fury upon his opponent,
instantly engulfing him in flames far hotter than the usual
pyromantic variety. UDGD doesn't let up, and forces his axe through
the blaze as his manly black facial hair burns off and the immense
heat dries up his eyes. With exceptional strength UDGD splits
through the fire and straight into the pyromancer king's greatest
weak spot - his mouth. The axe smashes into his teeth, and catches
into Etlan's jaw. As blood and fire fly about, Etlan shakes
violently in an attempt to shake UDGD off of face. UDGD obliges by
tearing the axe from his face, but only long enough for him to
heave another rock-smashing strike into his skull. Etlan screams in
pain, but only fire and blood comes forth in Xtreme torrents. UDGD
takes Etlan's moment of hesitance and shoves his armored fingers
into the large rift in his foe's skull. UDGD pulls with all of his
might as Etlan punches UDGD with his bloody, bone-tangled fists.
The two move around in violent, drunken battle, and UDGD finally
gets a good grip. He thrusts his gauntlets deep enough to get a
grasp around Etlan's brain, and pulls with all his
might.

Amidst the cheering and gasps, UDGD
tears Etlan's skull open, sending blood, fire, and cranial essence
spraying all about the crowd. UDGD takes his axe and leaps off his
foe, thrusting him to the ground. Etlan, his head now a tangled,
crimson-splattered mess of bones and brains, attempts to get back
to his feet as his tongue droops freely out of where his jaw should
be. UDGD raises his axe one last time for the finishing blow, and
lowers it with such an Xtreme force that the weight splits Etlan
down through the neck, the chest, and all the way to his torso.
Etlan, now blind, deaf, mute, and only tasting the immense amounts
of blood flowing across his tongue, lifts his fist and strikes with
pathetic weakness. UDGD slaps the pyromancer's mangled fist aside,
and reaches into the chest of his foe. UDGD grabs his beating
heart, tears it out, throws it on the ground, and smashes it with
his foot. With a final howl, spraying up blood and fire from his
stomach, Etlan falls on his side, dead, and then explodes, sending
his boiling organs and blood everywhere.

VICTORY!

UDGD rises up from the battle as the
pyromancers squeal and cry in terror that their supposedly
invincible leader has been slain by the Grim Axeman.

“What an unmanly little puss. Can't
even have his head chopped to pieces without making a big deal
about it,” UDGD says with apathy as he feels his
newly-shaven-by-fire chin. Mr. Honkers rolls his eyes as SISY
cheers ecstatically and DTO looks on in horror.

“NICE JOB, FRIEND! THAT GUY DIDN'T
STAND A CHANCE!”

“Eh, yeah. Nice job,” the two of them
congratulate UDGD, DTO's being of a markedly lower level of
excitement than SISY's.

“Thanks I guess,” UDGD says dully as he
turns to the pyromancers. He has everyone's attention. : “HEY, YOU
FLAMING HOMOSEXUALS, ROUND UP YOUR COOL STUFF IN FRONT OF ME RIGHT
NOW OR I SWEAR I'LL PERSONALLY TEAR OUT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOUR
ANUSES AND SET THEM ON FIRE!” UDGD yells in front of the group of
about thirty pyromancers. The magicians of fire scramble about,
searching for something that would appease their very-unwelcome
guest. Amidst the commotion, the other four step up to
UDGD.

“I guess you did okay, for a dweeb,”
Mr. Honkers congratulates. UDGD sighs and nods slightly, and looks
over to IMRM. He's wearing another cloak. UDGD would ask him how he
got another mysterious cloak, but decides against it, as it would
make him look like a sissy, caring about others and all.