Writing a Wrong (14 page)

I continued lying on the couch, pretending to try to sleep for what felt like hours. The few times I peeked at my phone, I discovered only small increments of time had passed. It felt like beach time. Anyone who regularly visited the beach had probably experienced one of those days when you lie out on the beach, soaking in the sun and listening to the waves. You could lose yourself and feel as though an entire afternoon had passed only to find it had only been a few hours. It's like the beach was some sort of time warp.

If I would have already handled the situation like an adult, I wouldn't be hiding out like some child, hoping to avoid confrontation. Or worse yet, torturing myself by thinking my friends were persecuting me for something I hadn't done. The sad thing was my family and friends only had half the story. They had no idea that my boyfriend was at home having dinner every night with the mother of his child. Would anyone care to know what my feelings were about that?

My insecurities over Alec, combined with dealing with the Greg situation, were driving me to the brink of tears. And that wasn't even taking into consideration the pressure of making sure the publisher was getting its money's worth on the tour. 

Thankfully, I felt the RV merge off the highway. We pulled into a gas station, giving me the opportunity to end my sleeping ruse. Greg jumped out to fill the Beast with gas while the rest of us piled out to hit the bathroom and load up with snacks for the next leg of the trip. We had opted out of stopping for lunch, choosing to power forward to our next stop in time for an early dinner.

I followed behind Tina when Greg called out my name. I tried ignoring him, hoping that he would allow me to continue inside the store, but he called my name again, making Tina pause and turn around to see if I'd heard him. Biting back a sigh and a few choice words, I turned around and shuffled back to the RV.

Greg stood on the opposite side of the RV, checking his phone while he waited for the gas tank of the Beast to fill. "Hey," I said, stepping up on the cement platform where the gas pumps sat.

"Hey yourself. What's going on?" he asked bluntly.

I offered up a look of confusion, but I was never the best liar. "With?"

His looked up sarcastically from his phone.

Sighing, I used the toe of my shoe to push a cigarette butt with bright red lip prints off the cement embankment. Silence stretched uncomfortably between us. I knew I was making the situation much worse than it should have been. We were both adults. Confrontations shouldn't have to be this difficult.

I waited to see if he would break it, but he seemed to be waiting for me. "Look. Something was brought to my attention last night, and I've been trying to figure out how to deal with it," I said, looking up to gauge his reaction.

He remained silent, not offering any questions or comments.

Gritting my teeth, I took a deep breath before continuing. The words felt like they were stuck in my throat. "There are some who seem to think that maybe you're harboring certain feelings for me." Oh my god. Considering the amount of confidence I was displaying, I might as well have been back in high school with a mouth full of braces.

"Well, whoever the some are, they're right," he answered.

I shuffled my feet, forgetting I was standing on the narrow edge of the embankment. My arms flared in a windmill motion until Greg's hand reached out and closed around my bicep. He pulled me close to him, causing my breath to hitch. Greg must have taken my reaction as a sign because he leaned in and placed a passionate kiss on my lips.

I stepped back, yanking my arm away. "I'm involved with someone." I used my sleeve to wipe my mouth, which suddenly felt dirty.

"I know. Alec. I met him." The way Alec's name fell off his tongue showed Greg had already dismissed him from the equation.

"Then you should know I love him," I said quietly, not wanting to cause a scene in case the girls were returning to the RV. "This isn't going to happen."

Greg sighed, running a hand through his hair in frustration. "I know that—maybe. I mean, are you going to deny that there's something between us? " He sounded frighteningly resigned, like he already thought we were a couple.

"Yes, Greg. I am. If I misled you in some way, I apologize, but it was never my intention to be more than friends." I could no longer deny that Mom and Olivia had been right. I felt like such an idiot for not seeing it for myself.

He laughed harshly, sounding different from his normal jovial tone. "Friends?  You don't think I've already considered that? That I've tried to focus on your flaws to see past the part of you that keeps dragging me in?"

"Flaws? What is that supposed to mean?"

"You have a shitload of flaws," he said, stepping close to me again. Instinctively, I raised my hands to stop him and stepped back, encountering the cement curb with the heel of my shoe. "The bitch of it is I like every single one of those flaws. They make you the person you are." He reached up to brush the hair away from my face, but I batted him away.

"Stop. I love Alec," I said forcefully.

He nodded, stepping back and turning to face the RV. "I know."

Feeling defeated and responsible, I turned to leave as my emotions got the best of me.

"I can control my feelings. There's no reason to punish yourself," he called out, but I didn't turn around.

Monica, Tina, and Michelle were coming out of the convenience store as I approached. It didn't look like any of them had bought anything, but they were laughing like hyenas.

"Are you okay?" Michelle asked, seeing the look of frustration on my face.

"Huh? Oh yeah. I just couldn't find my wristlet with my driver's license and all my cards. I thought maybe I left it in Florida, but I found it in my purse. It's all good."

"Well, wait until you get a look at the sales clerk," Monica said, clutching her side. "Tina may have tried to get his number."

"For sure. He's so my type," Tina groaned, taking a swipe at her arm.

"Just put it this way, you're going to want some of this," Michelle said, reacting to my utter look of confusion. She held up a mini bottle of lilac-scented hand sanitizer.

Monica snorted with laughter.

Curiously, I entered the store and glanced toward the checkout counter where I saw their source of entertainment. A large man with a beard Santa would have envied sat on a small stool cleaning out his nose with his pinkie. He pulled out his finger and wiped it on the front of his shirt. Judging by the trail of dried crusties stuck to his chest, he had been working on it for a while.

I nearly gagged and without pausing, turned back around and left the store. I was no longer hungry anyway, especially after witnessing that spectacle, and I would force my bladder to wait.

The others were still waiting outside when I pushed through the door. Michelle already had the bottle of hand sanitizer open and squirted a generous amount on my palm, even though I'd only touched the door handle. "Told you," she said.

I grimaced, rubbing my hands vigorously."Bless you. That was just wrong."

"True story. Was he digging in his nose or his ear while you were in there? We were lucky enough to see both." She threw an arm across my shoulders as we walked back to the RV. "We voted to make Greg hit the Dairy Queen across the street before we get back on the highway."

"I'm in," I said, pausing in front of the RV door. If I was going to eat ice cream there was no way I could sit in back. On the other hand, I was desperate for some comfort food for my frazzled nerves and a Blizzard was worth the risk. I climbed aboard and took my place on the couch. Greg's eyes remained forward and he didn't say a word. Welcome to Awkwardville—the place where uncomfortable silences and suppressed words thrived.

Chapter 15

Our visit to Awkwardville persisted through the afternoon. There was a thick cloud of tension in the air. Thankfully, either the girls didn't notice or they chose not to ask. I was happy that at least I was able to keep my frozen treat down in spite of sitting on the couch. Greg flipped on the radio to tune out the conversation in the back. He was obviously still protesting our conversation from earlier. I pulled my knees up, peering out the window at a light drizzle of rain.

We were an hour outside of Atlanta when my phone rang. I debated not answering when I saw that it was Alec. Things were already awkward enough. I realized, though, that maybe I was punishing Alec for something he hadn't done, just like I thought Mom and Olivia had done to me.

"Hey," I answered, cradling the phone against my ear. At least with the music on I had some semblance of privacy.

"Hey, sweetheart. How's it going?"

"Okay," I answered casually. I could practically feel Greg's eyes from the rearview mirror.

"You sound down, love. What's the matter?"

"I'm sad that the distance between us is once again growing. Every mile takes me farther away from you."

"Don't I know it, babe. It drove me nuts knowing you were so close last night and I still couldn't see you."

"How was your dinner?" I asked, trying to sound indifferent.

"It was great. I told Candace she should open up a restaurant. Everything she makes is mouthwatering. Culinary school is giving her some mad skills."

I rolled my eyes. "You don't say." What other skills does she have that you're experiencing while I'm gone? That's what the less mature side of me wanted to ask. Thankfully, the composed side of my brain was in charge at the moment.

"She's making lasagna tonight she claims would make any Italian weep."

"You're having dinner with her again?"

"Yeah, she needs a test dummy to try out her new recipes. Me being the dummy."

"You don't say," I repeated, laced with a noticeable amount of sarcasm. "I thought you were too busy studying and working to do much of anything else."

"Candace quizzes me during dinner."

"Well, how nice. You get a chef and a study partner."

"What?" he asked. By his tone, he saw no reason for me to be concerned.

"Nothing. It just seems like Candace is being awfully helpful now that I'm out of town."

"I thought you had no problem with it?"

"Should I have?"

"Absolutely not. You know Candace and I have been friends for years. We've finally matured enough that we can have a civilized conversation and meal together. That's it."

I grumbled a reply under my breath.

He chuckled over the line, fanning my flames. "You're cute when you're jealous."

"I'm not jealous," I lied.

"Yeah, you are, but that's cool. Don't think I don't have my own worries to deal with. By now that guy Greg has probably figured out a way to have the two of you sharing hotel rooms."

I flushed. He was unaware of how accurate he was. I didn't need to turn around to know that Greg was paying attention to our conversation.

"You still there?"

"Yeah, I was thinking about how I already got the hot cover model, so anyone else pales in comparison. You have nothing to worry about," I said loudly. I was speaking for the benefit of all of us—Alec, me, and our eavesdropper.

"I miss you, sugar lips."

"I miss you too," I said, feeling moisture forming in my eyes. The last twenty-four hours had set me in a tailspin. I could have used some time in the healing embrace of Alec's arms.

"I have to head to my next class," he said regretfully. "Call me when you're all settled in for the night."

"I will."

"Love you."

"Love you more," I said, disconnecting the call.

The tear that had welled up in the corner of my right eye slowly tracked down my cheek. I annoyingly wiped it away. My right eye was the weak one. It could never hold its shit together. I walked to the small bathroom in the RV to keep my face averted from prying eyes until I could gather myself. Somehow everything had gotten so screwed up. I had done my best to solve the issue with Greg. Hopefully he would get over it so the rest of the tour wouldn't be a total nightmare. As for Alec, all I could do was trust him. I had no other choice from hundreds of miles away.

***

The next week and a half was like living in the seventh realm of hell. Greg had taken to ignoring me, which I embraced at first, until I realized how vital he'd been at keeping the tour entertaining. I hadn't taken my spot back in the front passenger seat and Monica, Tina, and Michelle spent the majority of the time typing away on their laptops. I felt insanely jealous that they were able to write while if I even tried to look at my phone for longer than thirty seconds I would begin to feel carsick. And that was with me taking the Dramamine every day. The only bright spots were the signings, but those were always over before I knew it.

My insecurities about Alec were at an impasse. His studies pretty much consumed his time, making each of our conversations quicker than the last. I knew it was unfair to pile my woes on him, so I filled our phone chats with embellished chitchat about how well the tour was going.

Thankfully, each mile that disappeared behind the RV brought us closer to the end of the tour. January went out with a bang as a blizzard in Virginia kept us buried and stuck for a couple extra days.

"This is nice," Michelle said, sipping her coffee as she sat down in an easy chair next to me.

I nodded in agreement. As soon as it started snowing, I'd gone down to the lobby of the hotel and claimed a spot near the large bay windows that overlooked a pristine lake. I hated being stuck, but this was the type of snow I had hoped to see in New York City. Big flakes steadily floated down, covering the ground in a beautiful white blanket. When I made myself comfortable in the chair, I planned on getting some work done, but the snow was more of a distraction than I anticipated. Coming from Florida, I was fascinated by the large flakes that almost looked fake. "I planned on cranking out a couple chapters, but I can't seem to stop watching the snow fall," I said to Michelle.

"That's cute. If I was home I'd be stuck shoveling a path to my car and then scraping the windshield while I waited for it to warm up. It's so much more enjoyable this way." She propped up her feet on the coffee table in front of us. "How you doing, hon?" she asked, taking another sip from her steaming mug.

I turned away from the window to look at her. "I'm fine."

"You don't look it, sweetie," she said, patting my hand.

"Gee, thanks," I threw out lamely. "Nothing like being told you look like crap."

"That's not what I mean. You're still your usual cute-as-a-button self. I'm talking about what's underneath. It's obvious something is bothering you," she said with concern.

I grimaced. Nothing like waving my feelings around like some freak flag. I tried to be careful, not wanting to be the Debbie Downer of the tour. "I thought I was doing a better job of hiding it," I sighed, slumping back in my chair.

"Oh honey. Anything short of you being your normal bubbly self is a sure-fire sign. It's one of the things I love the most about you. You're always like a ray of light for all of us with dark souls."

I snorted. "It's been a curse my whole life. I need to work on being dark and brooding. That way I can disguise my feelings."

"Why don't you share those feelings, and I'll be the judge of whether they're stupid? It can't be good bottling everything up."

I pulled on my lip, debating whether I was ready to release the lid on Pandora's box. Keeping everything trapped inside had become my norm the past couple weeks. In a few days the bus tour side of the trip would be over and I could move on to the final leg of my appearance schedule. Greg would be returning to New York with the Love Bus, and the rest of us would be flying off to our next destinations. And in a month, I'd finally be home. I could power through this.

"I'm a great listener," she persisted.

Her insistence was all the urging I needed. Everything I had kept buried for two weeks tumbled out of me like a tumbleweed blowing across the desert. I felt a twinge of guilt for unloading on Michelle, but there was no denying that each word that left my lips made me feel lighter.

She waited until I was completely drained of words before giving her two cents. "I knew something must have happened between you and Greg. He's been sulking around watching you like a lovesick puppy."

I groaned, burying my face in my hands. In my vain attempt to ignore him, I made a point to avoid even looking at him or engaging him in conversation unless absolutely necessary.

"Honey, it's not your fault that boy wants to take a dip in your well," she teased.

"That's just wrong," I muttered, looking up at her sparkling eyes. "I feel so bad for leading him on."

She laughed, winking at me. "I think you're beating yourself up too much. Your personality is a magnet. You're funny, down to earth, and probably the easiest person on the planet to talk to. You can't blame the boy for getting a little smitten. You're easy to love. As for your beau back home, anyone with eyes can tell he's crazy about you. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt anytime your thoughts want to play tricks on you. I know this trip hasn't been as fun as you expected. I would feel the same way if the Love Bus made me as sick as it does you. Plus, you haven't been able to get as much writing done as the rest of us have. For the rest of the trip, I'm putting my laptop away so we can chat more."

I flushed, feeling bad she felt that was necessary. It wasn't her job to entertain me. "You don't have to do that. We only have a few days to go, and there's no reason to stop if you're on a roll."

She shook her head. "I want to. Truthfully, I haven't been overly happy with anything I've written in days. I'm just upset I didn't close it down sooner. I've been missing hanging out with you, and to think, the fix has been in front of my face the whole time."

A smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. For the first time in weeks I was in a better place. I still couldn't help feeling partially responsible for the Greg situation, but my insecurity over Alec was exactly that—my insecure feelings.

"How about we join the others in the bar for something a little stronger?" She shivered as someone walked into the lobby from outside, bringing a gust of cold air with them. When the weather people said blustery, they weren't kidding. I made the mistake of thinking a walk around the lake with the snow falling around me would be nice, but I lasted about ten seconds. The damp wind felt like shards of glass. I half expected my skin to fall off in shreds.

I looked toward the bar, considering Michelle's offer.

"Don't worry. Greg is nowhere in sight," she said, taking my hand to pull me up with her.

"Okay, let me call Alec real quick," I said, pulling my phone out of my bag.

"Tell that hunk I said hi. See you in a few." She waved over her shoulder as she walked toward the hotel bar.

I pulled up Alec's number from the top of my recent calls list.

Expecting to hear his warm familiar greeting, I was surprised when a tiny female voice answered instead. "Hello," she squeaked.

"Lily?"

"Yes," she answered, probably wondering how the person on the other line knew her name.

"It's Nicole," I said, hoping she wouldn't hang up on me.

"Nicole," she squealed. "Where are you? You missed my birthday. I'm six now," she stated proudly.

"I know, sweetie. Did you get my present?" I'd bought her the horse from the American Girl store while I was in New York City. It was like walking into a little girl's fantasyland and made me wish I was six years old again. Three floors of doll splendor, selling anything you could possibly think of to outfit and accessorize your purchase. There was even a beauty salon where no less than six stylists stood behind the long counter fixing and primping the hair of the dolls. I'd never seen anything like it. The funniest part was the shell-shocked fathers who looked like they had no idea how they'd gotten there.

"I did! I named her Cricket," Lily said excitedly. "I love it."

"I'm so glad. One day I'll take you to the store where I bought it."

Her squeal of delight could have shattered several windows. I held the phone away from my ear, laughing.

"Can I talk to your dad, sweetie?" I asked when she finished clearing her pipes.

"He's in mommy's shower."

"What?"

"Mommy and Daddy are in the shower. They told me to watch my new Tinker Bell movie."

Her words registered through the phone, but they felt like a noose around my throat. My vision blurred and my breath wheezed out in ragged gasps. I gripped the arm of the chair, slowly lowering myself down. Without giving it conscious thought, I disconnected the call. My worst fears had come to a head. A little voice in my head taunted me, blaming me for freaking out during Christmas over the idea of deep commitment and becoming a ready-made family. I never expressed those fears to Alec, but somehow he must have known. Then I left for weeks on end. I practically handed him over to Candace on a silver platter. That didn't mean he had to go willingly. Only a snake cheated.