Wrestling With Love (17 page)

Scott’s shoulders relaxed and his face softened. “I know you do and I’m sorry too. Just because I have hang-ups about people knowing who I am…who we are, doesn’t mean I’m not proud to have you as my boyfriend. I realize how lucky I am every day when I wake up and think of you. I know one day I’ll get to the place you are. I’m just not there yet. I’m not ashamed of us. Our relationship is the most important thing to me. I wish I were ready to go public with it, but I’m not. Can you understand that?”

Derek’s sinking feeling vanished in a matter of seconds. Scott had verbalized all of Derek’s hopes of a future where they could live openly as a couple. “That’s entirely fair.” He leaned in and kissed Scott once more, a lingering soft kiss, warm lips pressed against warm lips.

Scott pulled back and ran his fingers through Derek’s hair, mussing it up playfully. Derek laughed, but became serious when a grim expression crossed Scott’s face. “Now, about this Tyrell guy. Do you think I can take him?”

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Derek laughed again. “Without a doubt.”

“Good, because any guy who decides he’s going to go after my man is setting himself up for a serious problem.” Scott pulled him into a tight hug again, causing Derek to feel the sense of possessiveness he loved so much.

“So, if Tyrell comes on to me again tomorrow, can I tell him I’m gay and that I have a boyfriend?”

To his surprise, Scott’s answer was emphatic. “You better tell him you’re gay and have a boyfriend. Just do it discreetly. I want you to point him out to me if you see him at dinner tonight.”

Derek leaned against him. “Yes, sir.” He laughed and allowed Scott to kiss him before they headed out to the cafeteria.

Scott didn’t have to wait long to meet Tyrell. As the two of them looked for a place to sit, Derek heard someone calling from behind. “Derek. Hey, Derek.” He turned around and found himself face-to-face with Tyrell. “I was hoping I would run into you.”

Derek glanced nervously at Scott, a flitting movement of his head, like a bird taking in its surroundings, then turned to face Tyrell. “Hi, Tyrell.” Scott tensed as he said the name. “I guess you found me.”

Tyrell was all smiles and self-confidence. “I just wanted to say I thought it was really cool how you stood up to me during orientation. Like I said, I come off strong at first and most people shy away from me or are too chicken to confront me.” He lifted an eyebrow suggestively. “And, for the record, I only dole out compliments to guys who stir something in me.” He followed the comment with a wink. The shock of a second direct flirtation along with the fact that Tyrell was doing it right in front of Scott, forced Derek into action. Although he didn’t dare look, he could tell Scott was gearing up to react to Tyrell’s behavior. He hoped he didn’t choose to fight him right then and there. “Um, Tyrell, I think we already discussed this earlier.”

“Yeah, yeah. You’ve never met anyone who’s as blatant as me and you don’t have a problem with gay people. Got it.”

As much as he admired Tyrell’s courage to be himself, there was something desperate and forced about his insistence of focusing on the fact he was gay. Turning towards Scott, Derek introduced the two. “Scott, this is Tyrell Jackson. He’s in my orientation group. Tyrell, this is Scott, he’s my best friend and my roommate.” It hurt Derek to introduce Scott this way, but he knew this was how it had to be for now. Tyrell extended a hand towards Scott. “Well, well, I certainly want to come and play in your dorm. Two hotties in the same room? So unfair.” Tyrell openly sized Scott up, allowing his eyes to roam along his entire body. A sense of possessiveness sparked inside Derek, but he kept it at bay.

Scott shook Tyrell’s hand stiffly. “Hello.” To anyone who didn’t know Scott, his greeting seemed plain enough. To Derek, Scott’s entire demeanor revealed he had already decided he didn’t like Tyrell.

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Oblivious to Scott’s dismissive behavior, Tyrell continued in his appraisal of him. “I bet you get a lot of head turns with those perfectly square shoulders and that gorgeous unkempt blond hair.”

Scott stood still, simply looking at Tyrell. “I’m sorry. Are you trying to hit on me?”

Derek silently gasped, holding his breath to see what Tyrell’s come back would be. Why the hell hadn’t I thought of that line?

Tyrell barely missed a beat, but Derek thought he saw a spark of surprise cross his face. “Would you like for me to be hitting on you?”

“No, I wouldn’t, actually.” Scott’s words came out in a calm, even tone, no sarcasm or anger present. He stepped forward, his movement slight, but in doing so, Scott placed his body between himself and Tyrell. The act sent a thrill of excitement down his spine which caused him to shudder involuntarily.

Despite the rush he experienced whenever Scott’s alpha side emerged, Derek didn’t want to deal with a confrontation in the middle of the cafeteria on their first day. “And not because I have an issue with gay people. It’s because I have a problem with anyone who feels it’s okay to cross boundaries with people they don’t even know.”

“Hey, calm down, man. Why are you so intense about this? All I’m saying is I think you’re cute. That’s a compliment.”

Scott maintained a cool presence. “Yes, it is a compliment and yes, I do get quite a few stares because of my body. But appreciation of my physicality is never what attracts me to people as friends or what I look for in a relationship.”

Tyrell looked from Scott to Derek, then back to Scott. “Dude, you need to seriously relax.”

Scott did relax a bit, and it became clear to Derek why as soon as he responded.

“You’re right Tyrell, I’m sorry, but I feel very protective of Derek and when he came back to our room tonight he told me about the conversation you two had. See, we went to high school together, we don’t keep secrets from each other, and we always have each other’s back.”

A new rush surged through Derek, but this time the energy flowed south. Staring at Scott, all he wanted to do was get him back to their room. Fuck, it’s a turn on when he comes to my defense. “Your comments tonight have demonstrated to me what Derek shared earlier. Maybe, if you’re lucky, you and Derek will become friends. If that happens, you’ll figure out why your comments offend me. But I can promise you I won’t be so nice the next time we meet if you continue to make him uncomfortable.” He glared at Tyrell for a few seconds longer than necessary before finishing his thoughts.

“And for the record, I respect the fact you’re comfortable with who you are and you being gay has nothing to do with the fact that I don’t like you.”

Tyrell stared at him, his eyes narrowed into slits, then his mouth widened into a grin. “You’re just jealous that there’s competition for Derek’s attention.” He turned and walked away, a confident swagger to his gait.

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Derek turned to Scott. “That was pretty good. I’m impressed at how much you said without actually saying much of anything at all.” He bit the inside of his lip, contemplating how to finish what he was going to say. “That last bit was a bit harsh though, don’t you think?

“That guy, my sexy boyfriend, is a fuckin’ asshole. He’s extreme and he’s dangerous. Those are two things that are the complete opposite of who you are. Be very careful with him.” He held up his hand, effectively cutting off the retort that was on the tip of Derek’s tongue. “Before you wonder why I am saying this, it’s not because I don’t trust you. It’s because I don’t want him to hurt you.”

Derek’s confusion must have been clearly written on his face, because Scott’s expression softened as he continued. “What I’m saying is, a guy like Tyrell, when he realizes you won’t satisfy his needs, might decide to retaliate. He may decide to get back at you by creating an excuse in his mind that your rejection is based in denial of who you are. If he did that, I’d be forced to pummel the shit out of him, and I don’t think either one of us wants that to happen.”

Derek understood completely what Scott was saying. Once again Scott explained a very real scenario in a logical way, but hadn’t told Derek what to do or not do. He simply expressed his concerns. I love this man so much.

After dinner, they went to the Student Center and hung out with the many students who were there, eating and playing pool, foosball, or video games. Music blasted from a huge stereo system and the dance floor was filled with dancing students. Back in their room, Derek and Scott undressed and crawled into one of the two beds. Scott leaned in and kissed Derek tenderly, then the intensity increased, until they were writhing on the bed, groping and rubbing against one another. Scott pulled out of the kiss and stared into Derek’s eyes, a heat burning beneath the surface that took Derek’s breath away. As he stared into smoldering blue eyes, he began to breathe once again, short pants coming rapidly. Images from his fantasies formed, faded, and reformed in his mind as he imagined Scott rolling on top of him, entering him for the first time. This is what they had been waiting for. What they had talked about. Knowing the moment was upon them, Derek reached his hands around Scott’s neck and pulled him down into another kiss.

Scott lifted his head, his eyes seeming slightly unfocused, his body trembling. They remained prone, staring at each other for a few more seconds, then Scott rolled him onto his side and slid in behind him. Derek’s heart raced in his chest, his blood coursing through his body at a fevered rate. When Scott slid his arm around Derek’s chest and pulled him in so his back nestled against Scott’s chest, he held his breath, ready for this moment, terrified and elated.

“Baby, this has been one hell of a day.” He spooned Derek even closer. “You feel so good in my arms.”

“I love how it feels to be held by you. I can’t believe we’re finally going to do this.”

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Scott’s body tensed behind him before he spoke. When he did, his voice was warm and liquidy, but there was a hint of tension lingering behind his words as well. “Derek, I know we talked about this, but I’m exhausted. Could we just sleep tonight?”

“But, I thought…” Derek clamped his mouth shut, disappointment swelling inside of him, crowding out all other emotions. To try to speak or to argue was more than he could handle. Instead, he lowered his head onto the pillow, releasing a long, slow breath. What the hell’s going on? After all this time, Scott’s just going to sleep? Feeling confused and let down, he lay there in silence, listening to the occasional car on the street outside their dorm building mingle with the sound of Scott’s breathing.

Scott laid his head next to Derek’s on the pillow. Their kiss, the desire to take him, to be with him for the first time had swept through him like brush fire, practically drowning out all other thought or feeling. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to have sex with Derek. He found it difficult to think of anything but having sex with him when they lay together in bed. His taut body, the affectionate caresses from his gentle hands, the sweet scent of spearmint gum on his breath, everything about Derek called to him emotionally and physically.

Yet he couldn’t deny that he was scared. Scared that he wouldn’t know what to do. Scared that the moment would disappoint Derek. That he wouldn’t be able to live up to what Derek had built this moment up to be for the two of them. Taking Derek’s cock into his mouth or letting Derek blow him; these were things he knew they could do. He had pleased Derek and felt confident that he would continue to do so. But when he and Derek finally had sex, it wouldn’t be just sex. There was far too much love between them for it to ever simply be sex.

He ran his hand along Derek’s side, feeling a hint of tension in his lover. Derek was disappointed, but at least Scott knew why. This he could live with. Even if Derek called him out on his choice to wait even longer than they had discussed, he could handle that too. What he couldn’t handle was not being good enough.

The repetitiveness of the thought generated an anxious frustration within him and he tightened his hold on Derek, pulling him even closer. Derek loved him. He might be upset, be he would forgive him. The timing had to be right. He had to be ready and as much as he wanted to give Derek everything he wanted, this was not something he could rush.

Derek’s breath began to even out, eventually growing slow and steady. Scott took several deep breaths through his nose and exhaled gentle though his mouth, concentrating on releasing the tension from his body with each exhale. He would make sure that their first time would be everything Derek hoped it would be.

* * * * *

Sunday’s schedule was not as full as Saturday’s. Derek stretched, feeling tense and tired. Turning to face Scott, the disappointment of their evening slammed into him like 85

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running into a wall. Why didn’t he want to have sex with me? I thought this was what we both wanted?

Scott stirred, then opened his eyes. “Mmmm. Morning.” Derek remained silent for a few seconds and Scott opened his eyes. “Is everything all right?”

“I…” The words were on the tip of his tongue, but to say them would make what didn’t happen real. He had spent too much time holding his opinions back during their senior year. Steeling himself, he forced the words out. “I thought we were going to have sex last night.”

Scott’s eyes widened just a hint, then relaxed. “I know, but I was just so tired. It’s not that I don’t want to. I do, but I don’t want us to do it just because we said we would.”