Wrecked (The Blackened Window) (19 page)

We developed a routine over the next few weeks. School was the focus Monday morning through the end of tutoring on Thursday evening. Then the weekend was together. We’d still study some, but mostly fuck around, go out, fuck around some more and sleep. She was getting more and more insistent that we have sex and I kept putting her off.

I wanted it too, but I wanted it my way and no other way. I wanted her bent in half, twisted inside out with how much she wanted to be used, by me and me alone. It was a topic of conversation occasionally, but one Saturday, after we had been together for at least a month and a half, she was particularly vehement. We were hiking the woods at the senator’s property, The Retreat. She was behind me, so I had no idea what triggered it, but she just blurted out, “Xander, I’m gonna have to fuck you soon.”

I smiled before I turned to her and pinned her to the tree right behind her. Her breathing was immediately ragged, when my fingers closed around her throat, holding her there while I spoke. “I know, but I’m not putting my cock in you until you realize that you want me to fuck you. There’s a difference, little girl.” I kissed her forehead as I released her neck, knowing I was torturing her, but loving it.

I started to walk away, in the direction we had been going, when she asked, “What’s the difference? I want us to have sex.”

“You know the difference,” I admonished. “I’m not going to let you fuck me.” I turned back to her, but she stood her ground. “You don’t fuck me. I fuck you and you take what I give you. When you see the difference, really know the difference down in your tissues, to your toes, then I’ll fuck you. I’m not worried, Leda, I’ve got time and I know you’re headed there.”

She kind of smiled, saying, “Hmm, I don’t know about all this.” I knew I was pushing her. There was a risk that she would get sick of the game and tell me that I could fuck
myself
. I wanted to push her to right before that point and make her admit how much she wanted it, just so she could see how little shame she really had. A shameless girl is so fucking hot.

She was quiet for the next twenty minutes or so, and I let her think. But we got to a clearing and took a pause. “What are you so deep in thought about, Leda?”

She searched for words for a moment while I took a few sips from our water bottle. “It’s just that it isn’t really a relationship of equals. I’m always… I don’t know how to explain it. I’m just not clear on the inequality of it.”

“I see what you mean. We aren’t equivalent, but you have to know that I don’t think you are ‘less than’. It’s a different kind of thing. I’m just not measuring us against each other. We aren’t equivalent but we do have equal worth. Does that make sense?”

“But that’s totally easy for you to say. You have all the control and power.”

I handed her the water and she drank deep. “I hear what you’re saying. It’s just really important to me that you understand that
I
don’t think that you are anything other than a treasure. But…I think you should talk with my friend June. I know her from the kink scene in DC. She comes down here sometimes for her work and she usually spends at least a night or two at the Window. Not to disclose her info, I don’t think she would care, but she’s a sub. I mean like full-on living the life sub, with a Master, the whole deal—twenty-four, seven. But she is really successful professionally, too. She has the best perspective, the most well-articulated thoughts on being a sub. You might find it helpful to talk with her. She may be able to help you with these questions. Because as much as I want to help you with anything you struggle with, this just doesn’t make sense to me. Maybe it’s my experiences or that I’m not submissive or just that from my perspective, you really do have a
lot
of power. You’re outside of the hierarchy to me. You are…a small piece of heaven, all for me. I don’t know.” I hugged her to me, more easily affectionate than I had ever been with a girl before. “Would you be open to talking with her?”

Her lips said, “Yeah, that sounds great,” with a smile. But her body language was less sure.

Chapter Sixteen

Leda

Muse,
Madness

As we hiked the rest of the path we had found through the Senator’s property, I watched the way Xander moved, the angle of his shoulders and neck.
Am I really just going to wait until he deems me worthy of his cock? Is that really all right with me? What am I then—just a receptacle for his need? A place to drop off sexual frustration, an entity designed for him and his pleasure alone?
To be used when he wants? My own desires, needs and fucking frustrations ignored?

Something about it irked me, in part because it seemed so shitty and unequal, and in part because deep down, in my most secret thoughts, I liked that idea. And in truth, I knew that wasn’t really what he was talking about. If he just needed to flush the pipes, he could do it. I was clearly willing. And he was gorgeous. I’m sure women dropped their panties for him left and right.

When I got home there was an email from Tiffany.

Hey Bitch—

Did u fuck him? How’s his dick?

T

—sent from my iPad

I laughed out loud at her audacity as I dialed her.

She answered in her typical fashion. “Hey, lady, so text me a dick pic already.”

“Damn, Tiffany! I haven’t had sex with him yet!”

“Why the hell not? I thought we fixed this already. There is nothing to feel guilty about.”

I sighed, totally embarrassed about the words I was about to say. “He won’t fuck me.” Tears stung my eyes as I admitted it.

There was a pause of silence then she asked, “Really? Does he give you a reason?”

“He says he’s dominant and he won’t fuck me until I understand the difference between him fucking me and me fucking him.”

“Oh.” She paused again and her voice was serious when she spoke again. “What do you think about that?”

“I don’t know! I mean he… I get it. It’s how he is. This is exactly opposite of every guy ever, right? I’m pushing him all the time, bugging him about it. And I just have to make do with getting eaten out, finger-fucked… I want the whole shebang.”

She laughed.

I stopped my rant, but added, “Am I being crazy?”

“Hell no! You know what you want. It just happens to be the dick of the only man in Texas who won’t just give it to you. Did you tell him that he’s being a pain in the ass?”

“He would just laugh. This is fucking nuts, right?”

“I can’t say that I have ever experienced anything like this, but I think there are only two things to do. First you decide if you’re gonna wait till his little precious self is ready or tell him to hit the bricks.”

“I’m not going to break up with him because we aren’t having sex. That’s…”

She cut me off, “Then you have to decide what kind of vibrator you need to get.”

I laughed again, thanked her for listening and hung up the phone.

* * * *

That night we went to Jason’s bar. Jason and Xander played pool while Christy and I were sitting off to the side, talking. Jason came over between shots and kissed Christy, tracing his fingers up her leg, between her thighs. He whispered something in her ear and I watched a flush run up her chest and neck. He started to step away and she grabbed his hand, giving him the poutiest look, and he had a stern look I’d never seen on his usually jovial face.

“Yes, Christy,” he said it distinctly, clearly. And she dropped her eyes, the picture of submission. But the minute he turned around, her demeanor changed completely. She stuck her tongue out at his back and laughed. She put her arm around my chair and leaned over to me, mischief and laughter in her eyes. He turned back to look as she whispered in my ear.

“Pretend I’m saying something really interesting and funny. I’ve gotta teach this kid a lesson!”

I smiled and tilted my head toward her. Jason was half smiling and shook his finger at her then turned back around to finish his game with Xander. I looked over his shoulder at Xander, chalking his cue and watching us. He had a smile on his face, devoid of angst or stress. Just happy watching his friends…doing whatever they were doing.

“Come on, Leda. Let’s powder our noses.” Christy got up and grabbed my hand, pulling me off my stool.

In the bathroom, I asked her, “What was that?”

“Oh, Jason and I have a funny relationship. We’re constantly teasing and playing with each other. Sometimes we try to make each other jealous, but mostly we just like fucking with each other.” She smiled and finger-combed her hair out.

“How does that work? How do you deal with the sex club stuff? Doesn’t it freak you out a little?”

“What, the Window? No, not at all. We have…an open relationship. Maybe that’s not the best word for it. We have a fluid definition of monogamy. Sometimes we play with other people.” Her answer smacked of diplomacy.

Feeling kind of dense, I asked, “What do you mean?”

“Oh you know, sometimes we mess around with other people, sometimes other people join us when we mess around. There’re some things that I want that Jason doesn’t like or can’t do, some things he wants that I can’t, or don’t want to, do.”

This was just getting more confusing. “Umm, I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“Sometimes we need extra body parts.” She looked at me and my face was blank. She squared her shoulders to me, and spoke in a very simple voice, like she was speaking to a child. “Sometimes I want to get fucked by two dudes at once. Sometimes I don’t really want to give him head. Sometimes we like to watch each other with someone else. Sometimes I want to be tied up and that isn’t really his thing most of the time. Though tonight it might be.” She added the last part with a wicked smile and her gaze got distant.

“Oh.” It sounded so lame as I said it. And with a rush I realized, tying chicks up
was
Xander’s thing. A blaze of anger fired through me, in advance of my thoughts.
Has she fucked him…sorry, has
he
fucked
her
? Have they shared her—is that what Jason was talking about at the gym a while back, that I wasn’t for sharing?
And I wanted to ask her just how well she knew Xander, but I couldn’t bring myself to say it. I felt like it would shatter everything.

We wrapped up our ministrations and stepped out of the rest room, but I split off and headed to the bar to get more alcohol. Vodka with cranberry, plus a lemon drop shot. I slammed the shot down and carried my drink with me to the back room. Xander watched me walk back, and I was sure he had seen me take the shot at the bar. He gave me a questioning look, most likely because I had only been sipping at some drinks before then.

I just wanted, but I didn’t know what I wanted. I wanted clarity and answers, or maybe just to go home. And some irrational part of me wanted to stake my claim on him, wanted to fuck him so that it was clear to everyone,
especially him,
that he was mine. This surge of emotions, the jealousy… It was all different than what I was used to feeling in relationships, and underneath it I felt some anger and the consistently unsatisfied horniness fueling it all.

I thought maybe I just wanted to fuck him and it hit me—I understood what he was saying earlier when we were hiking, about the difference between me fucking him and him fucking me. Because at that moment, I absolutely did not want him to fuck me. I wanted to get on top of him and fuck him hard, ride him and make him take whatever I wanted to give him, just say
fuck it—fuck you—this is about me getting off and feeling good and you are a means to an end.

Whoa. What the fuck is this?

I had never felt like this before, about anyone. I didn’t know what it was. I took a huge gulp of my drink. It was this intensity of emotion and sex all mixed up in my body. It was a buzzing in my arms and hands
.

Christy had been over teasing Jason and I looked up in time to see her flash her ass at him. They were both laughing. Xander was smiling at them, but looked at me, at my mostly gone brand new drink and raised an eyebrow at me. I gave him the finger. And it was worth whatever trouble I had just bought for the look on his face—a flash of complete shock, followed by a growly smirk, but it broke the tension in me. I still wondered if he had messed around with Christy and Jason, but it felt less intimidating.

Xander and Jason took the last few shots of the game and Christy said something to Jason too quietly for me to make out, but probably inappropriate by the look on Jason’s face, followed by her laughter. Xander put his cue away and slowly came to me. When he got to me, he kept walking, forcing me to take several steps back until I was against the wall with his body pressed against me.

“What’s going on with you? Are you okay?” He brushed my hair away from my face. Regrettably, the influx of alcohol hit me then. I felt vaguely foggy and my thoughts got stupid. The irritation and the frustration and the sexual tension all came to the surface and I felt like a good, old fashioned bitch.

“Oh! I’m fine, just fine. I just had an interesting conversation with Christy about her sex life and then I thought about mine, ours—or lack-there-of. And I get it a little bit now.” My voice was thick with booze and attitude. He cocked his head to the side, confusion on his face.

“What do you mean? What did Christy tell you about their sex life?” There was no guilt in his voice, just confusion, curiosity.

“I get it—the whole thing about who is fucking who. And Christy just told me about the ‘fluid monogamy’ of her relationship. Can we go somewhere else? Private-er.”

“Okay, little girl. Where do you want to go? Wanna go get some dessert again?”

“No, umm, no. I want you to take me home and I want to fuck the hell out of you. I’m so fucking sick of you making me wait.” I snaked my hands around the back of his neck, wound my fingers into his hair and yanked, pulling his face down to mine. I licked his lips and when he started to kiss me back, I pulled his head back from my lips and whispered, “No, stop it. Just let me kiss you.”