Worth It (48 page)

Sitting on my couch, my girl is stuffing her face with Chinese take-out while wearing one of my T-shirts and a pair of my boxers, looking very satisfied. I want to grunt in approval. Women shouldn’t bother getting done up. They should just get fucked good and hard because sex hair is the hottest shit ever.

We’re watching a mutual favorite movie,
Old School
. Every time she laughs at something, I can’t help but glance over at her to stare at the long smooth column of her neck when she throws her head back. My chest squeezes when I see the big toothy smile spread across her face. I love seeing her so happy.

My chest puffs out, knowing that I’ve played a big part in her finding that happiness. I’ve done all I can to be there for her to lean on and help her work through her emotions. I know that I’m not the only reason. I was more of a stepping-stone to help her help herself put the pieces back together. She’s strong and resilient, and all mine.

Her head swings toward me, and she raises an eyebrow in question. “Why are you staring at me? Do I have something on my face?”

I laugh as I lean dip my head and kiss her quickly, tasting the lo mein on her lips. “No, baby. I just like watching you. I love you.”

Her eyes soften, and she leans toward me to give me a leisurely kiss. “I love you, too, Jed, more than words can say.”

I plant another quick one on her lips before settling back to finish my food. “So, you never did get the chance to tell me about the funniest thing that happened today.”

“Oh my gosh! It was so freaking funny. So, Amanda was doing her show-and-tell, and she brought in a picture of a litter of kittens from her cat. They were all really cute. Anyway, so then, a couple of kids are all like, ‘My cat had kittens, too,’ and ‘My dog had puppies.’ Then, Eli goes, ‘My dog had fleas!’ ”

Then, she bursts out laughing, and I can’t help but join her.

“I felt bad because I started laughing, and all the kids were confused because they had no idea what was so funny.” She finally composes herself and smiles over at me. “I fucking love teaching.”

“Good, baby. I’m so happy that you love what you’re doing.” I smile at her and stuff a Chinese chicken finger in my mouth.

“Oh! I almost forgot to tell you what else happened. It was awesome,” she says.

I just nod because my mouth is full of deliciousness.

“Remember I was telling you about that little girl, Avery, who was having trouble getting a handle on subtraction?”

I nod, still chewing.

She continues, “She got it today! Mrs. Ross, the teacher, asked me to sit one-on-one with her. So, Avery and I were sitting there, and I had some M&M’s in my bag. I drew a five on the little white board, and I had her get five M&M’s. Then, I drew the minus sign and asked her what it meant. She answered, ‘Take away, right, Miss M.?’ I nodded as I wrote down a three and asked her to read the math sentence. She did right away, which was huge because she hadn’t been able to do that before. So then, I asked her to do what the sentence said, and she got it! She was so proud of herself, and she beamed up at me. Words can’t begin to describe how awesome it is when a kid finally gets something.” She grins. “Honestly, I didn’t really do anything different, but I think it was the one-on-one situation that helped her concentrate. I was just incredibly happy when she figured it out.” She lets out a contented sigh. “I can’t wait to start teaching, Jed. It’s going to be the best ever.”

“I’m happy for you, Anna. You deserve it.” I smile at her. “How long are you in this classroom before you go to the second placement?”

“I’ll be with kindergarten until the end of March, and then I switch to a second grade classroom,” she answers. “Ugh, I’m stuffed.” She sets the remainder of her food down.

“Mmm,” I say, eyeing her sexy disheveled form. I place my food on the coffee table before scooting closer to her. “You ready for dessert?” I say while ducking my head to kiss along her collarbone.

She moans lightly, “You’re insatiable.”

I lick up her neck before stopping just below her ear. “Yeah, but you love it, and you love me, too.”

“Mmm,” she hums. “That I do, Jed. That I do.”

February 4th

So, the last couple of sessions Dr. Jenson and I have been discussing the college rape and trying to apply the same logic that we did to my biological father—that it’s not me, it’s him. She asked me why I thought it was my fault, and I said if I hadn’t gone to the party, it wouldn’t have happened. She argued that a lot of people go to parties, and the overwhelming majority don’t get raped. She had a good point.

It’s fairly mind-boggling how quickly my mind shifted. I went from thinking that it was my fault and that I deserved it to feeling an intense anger. I mean, seriously, who fucking does that to someone? That’s so fucking wrong and disgusting. It’s not like he even wanted the power or something because I was pretty much passed out the whole time. Who wants to fuck someone who’s passed out besides a necrophiliac or someone with a narcolepsy fetish? It’s wrong, just wrong. That asshole, whoever he is, is a vile piece of shit, and I hate him for doing that to me.

The other thing we talked about that was both terrifying and wonderful was opening up to someone else. She suggested it might be helpful if I had another person to talk to about my past, a close friend perhaps. My mind shot to Shannon, and then my stomach dropped at the idea of spewing everything out to her, but I’m determined to take on Dr. Jenson’s advice.

Things have really been working out well since I started this journey. Dr. Jenson’s advice, my determination, and having Jed to lean on have been priceless, and even though the thought of telling everything to yet another person when I spent so long burying them is scary, I know having Shannon at my back through this time will be invaluable.

I put my keys in my pocket, and my fingers brush paper. I pull out the note that was on my car after work.

It’s weird that I’ve had two mistaken notes on my car. The parking lot is kind of small and gets crowded, but
two
mistaken notes?

Meh, Whatever.

I crumple the note back up and slide it back into my pocket, reminding myself to toss it in the trash later.

I let myself into Shannon’s home on a Sunday afternoon. My nerves are shot, and my stomach is clenched. When I called her earlier today and asked if we could hang out, she seemed to know something was up, and it made me second-guess my impulsive decision.

Once I close the door, I suck in a deep courage-building breath and call out, “Yo!”

“Just getting out of the shower!” I hear her yell from her bedroom.

Stopping by her bedroom door, I call, “You decent, lady?”

“Decent enough.”

I push open the door just as she finishes clasping her bra, so she’s just standing there in her undergarments. “Darn, I missed the good stuff.” I mock pout.

“I can take them back off, baby.” She waggles her eyebrow up and down, tossing back her wet hair and jutting out her hip.

I laugh. “Do you think Chad will mind?”

She rolls her eyes and snags her jeans. “As long as he can watch, he won’t give a shit.”

I just smile and chuckle as she tugs on her shirt.

She comes over to plop next to me on the bed. “So, what’s up?”

I sigh and close my eyes, my palms sweating. I’m not nervous she’ll disown me or anything like that. It’s just scary to talk about it. I know it won’t be as difficult as it was with my therapist or with Jed, but it’s still nerve-racking nonetheless.

“I’ve been going to therapy,” I confess, my eyes still closed.

I feel her hand start to rub circles on my back.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks, concerned.

I nod and glance up to see her face etched with worry. “That’s why I’m here. My therapist suggested I talk about things to someone I love, so here I am.”

“Okay,” she prompts, still worried.

I blow out a breath and turn my head, so I’m staring at the wall. “Remember when I went away to college for my first year?”

When I don’t hear her respond, I swing my gaze back to hers to find her jaw clenched and her eyes filled with tears. My face drops, and I reach to hug her, attempting to comfort her, which is ironic, but I hate to see her upset.

I feel her beginning to shake, so I pull back, and she’s laughing through the tears slipping down her face.

“I’m sorry I’m laughing right now, but it’s just like you to comfort me when you’re the one who needs it.” She sniffs and shakes her head as she looks at me with sorrow. “I knew something happened because you were off after that. Talk to me. What happened?”

I suck in a breath and explain what happened that fateful night over four years ago. I let tears slip down my face, and I watch as hers streak her cheeks, too. When I finish, Shannon lurches forward, and she seizes me in a fierce hug.

“Oh, Anna, I’m so sorry.” She sniffs. “I knew it was something like that. I’m so sorry.” She lets a sob escape. “I wish you would have talked to me about this back then.”

I pull back and wipe the tears from my face. My chest is hollows, but I also feel better after letting it out. “I know, Shan. I know I should have, but I was embarrassed, and I just wanted to forget it ever happened.” I blow out a cathartic breath. “There’s something else.”

Her face falls again, but she says nothing as she waits for me to continue.

“Remember that boyfriend I had back in high school?”

Her jaw clenches hard, her eyes flare, and she gives one jerky nod.

I let my eyes drift shut, and I drop my head as I let it out. I tell her about the abuse that I endured for two years and how I kept it hidden from everyone. I have to stop a few times to choke back sobs. I purge the story from my heart to my best friend, my sister. She wraps her arms around me, and I bury my face into her shoulder. When I finish my confession, she holds me tight until the tears subside.

“I’m sorry, Anna. I’m so fucking sorry. I wish I would have done something.”

I lift my head to see her tear-stained face and pinched eyebrows.

“I knew something wasn’t quite right with your relationship, but I didn’t say anything. I’m so sorry, Anna. If I could go back, I would have gotten you help. I feel awful that I just let it go.”

“Oh, Shannon, don’t be sorry. You didn’t know. We were young,” I tell her.

The last thing I want is remorse from her. She didn’t do anything wrong. Sure, it would have been better if she had said something, but it’s not like she knew what was going on.

“Shan,
I
didn’t say anything, so why would you take on that regret?”

She blows out a shaky breath, but her tears still fall. “I still wish I would have done something.”

“But, you didn’t—”

“I know, I know. Shoulda, coulda, woulda.”

Her head shakes back and forth. “I’m glad you’re getting help now though.” She offers me a wobbly smile.

I smile back and hug her again. “I love you, Shan. I’m so glad I have you.”

She squeezes me tight. “Right back atcha, girl. I’ve got your back—always. You can talk to me about anything, okay? Thick and thin, I’m here for you.”