Works of Ivan Turgenev (Illustrated) (302 page)

Semyon Matveitch laughed... actually laughed his revolting thin laugh.

‘To be sure,’ he cried, ‘you’re all alike you young women’ — he corrected himself — ’young ladies... young ladies... you all dream of nothing else... you must have young men! You can’t live without love! Of course not. Well, well! Youth’s all very well! But do you suppose that it’s only young men that can love?... There are some older men, whose hearts are warmer... and when once an old man does take a fancy to any one, well — he’s simply like a rock! It’s for ever! Not like these beardless, feather - brained young fools! Yes, yes; you mustn’t look down on old men! They can do so much! You’ve only to take them the right way! Yes... yes! And as for kissing, old men know all about that too, he - he - he...’ Semyon Matveitch laughed again. ‘Come, please... your little hand... just as a proof... that’s all....’

I jumped up from the chair, and with all my force I gave him a blow in the chest. He tottered, he uttered a sort of decrepit, scared sound, he almost fell down. There are no words in human language to express how loathsome and infinitely vile he seemed to me. Every vestige of fear had left me.

‘Get away, despicable old man,’ broke from my lips; ‘get away, Mr. Koltovsky, you noble gentleman of ancient family! I, too, am of your blood, the blood of the Koltovskys, and I curse the day and the hour when I was born of that ancient family!’

‘What!... What are you saying!... What!’ stammered Semyon Matveitch, gasping for breath. ‘You dare... at the very minute when I’ve caught you... when you came to meet Misha... eh? eh? eh?’

But I could not stop myself.... Something relentless, desperate was roused up within me.

‘And you, you, the brother... of your brother, you had the insolence, you dared... What did you take me for? Can you be so blind as not to have seen long ago the loathing you arouse in me?... You dare use the word offer!... Let me out at once, this instant!’

I moved towards the door.

‘Oh, indeed! oh, oh! so this is what she says!’ Semyon Matveitch piped shrilly, in a fit of violent fury, but obviously not able to make up his mind to come near me.... ‘Wait a bit, Mr. Ratsch, Ivan Demianitch, come here!’

The door of the billiard - room opposite the one I was near flew wide open, and my stepfather appeared, with a lighted candelabrum in each hand. His round, red face, lighted up on both sides, was beaming with the triumph of satisfied revenge, and slavish delight at having rendered valuable service.... Oh, those loathsome white eyes! when shall I cease to behold them?

‘Be so good as to take this girl at once,’ cried Semyon Matveitch, turning to my stepfather and imperiously pointing to me with a shaking hand. ‘Be so good as to take her home and put her under lock and key... so that she... can’t stir a finger, so that not a fly can get in to her! Till further orders from me! Board up the windows if need be! You’ll answer for her with your head!’

Mr. Ratsch set the candelabra on the billiard - table, made Semyon Matveitch a low bow, and with a slight swagger and a malignant smile, moved towards me. A cat, I imagine, approaches a mouse who has no chance of escape in that way. All my daring left me in an instant. I knew the man was capable of... beating me. I began to tremble; yes; oh, shame! oh ignominy! I shivered.

‘Now, then, madam,’ said Mr. Ratsch, ‘kindly come along.’

He took me, without haste, by the arm above the elbow.... He saw that I should not resist. Of my own accord I pushed forward towards the door; at that instant I had but one thought in my mind, to escape as quickly as possible from the presence of Semyon Matveitch.

But the loathsome old man darted up to us from behind, and Ratsch stopped me and turned me round face to face with his patron.

‘Ah!’ the latter shouted, shaking his fist; ‘ah! So I’m the brother... of my brother, am I? Ties of blood! eh? But a cousin, a first cousin you could marry? You could? eh? Take her, you!’ he turned to my stepfather. ‘And remember, keep a sharp look - out! The slightest communication with her — and no punishment will be too severe.... Take her!’

Mr. Ratsch conducted me to my room. Crossing the courtyard, he said nothing, but kept laughing noiselessly to himself. He closed the shutters and the doors, and then, as he was finally returning, he bowed low to me as he had to Semyon Matveitch, and went off into a ponderous, triumphant guffaw!

‘Good - night to your highness,’ he gasped out, choking: ‘she didn’t catch her fairy prince! What a pity! It wasn’t a bad idea in its way! It’s a lesson for the future: not to keep up correspondence! Ho - ho - ho! How capitally it has all turned out though!’ He went out, and all of a sudden poked his head in at the door. ‘Well? I didn’t forget you, did I? Hey? I kept my promise, didn’t I? Ho - ho!’ The key creaked in the lock. I breathed freely. I had been afraid he would tie my hands... but they were my own, they were free! I instantly wrenched the silken cord off my dressing - gown, made a noose, and was putting it on my neck, but I flung the cord aside again at once. ‘I won’t please you!’ I said aloud. ‘What madness, really! Can I dispose of my life without Michel’s leave, my life, which I have surrendered into his keeping? No, cruel wretches! No! You have not won your game yet! He will save me, he will tear me out of this hell, he... my Michel!’

But then I remembered that he was shut up just as I was, and I flung myself, face downwards, on my bed, and sobbed... and sobbed.... And only the thought that my tormentor was perhaps at the door, listening and triumphing, only that thought forced me to swallow my tears....

I am worn out. I have been writing since morning, and now it is evening; if once I tear myself from this sheet of paper, I shall not be capable of taking up the pen again.... I must hasten, hasten to the finish! And besides, to dwell on the hideous things that followed that dreadful day is beyond my strength!

Twenty - four hours later I was taken in a closed cart to an isolated hut, surrounded by peasants, who were to watch me, and kept shut up for six whole weeks! I was not for one instant alone.... Later on I learnt that my stepfather had set spies to watch both Michel and me ever since his arrival, that he had bribed the servant, who had given me Michel’s note. I ascertained too that an awful, heart - rending scene had taken place the next morning between the son and the father.... The father had cursed him. Michel for his part had sworn he would never set foot in his father’s house again, and had set off to Petersburg. But the blow aimed at me by my stepfather rebounded upon himself. Semyon Matveitch announced that he could not have him remaining there, and managing the estate any longer. Awkward service, it seems, is an unpardonable offence, and some one must be fixed upon to bear the brunt of the
scandal
. Semyon Matveitch recompensed Mr. Ratsch liberally, however: he gave him the necessary means to move to Moscow and to establish himself there. Before the departure for Moscow, I was brought back to the lodge, but kept as before under the strictest guard. The loss of the ‘snug little berth,’ of which he was being deprived ‘thanks to me,’ increased my stepfather’s vindictive rage against me more than ever.

‘Why did you make such a fuss?’ he would say, almost snorting with indignation; ‘upon my word! The old chap, of course, got a little too hot, was a little too much in a hurry, and so he made a mess of it; now, of course, his vanity’s hurt, there’s no setting the mischief right again now! If you’d only waited a day or two, it’d all have been right as a trivet; you wouldn’t have been kept on dry bread, and I should have stayed what I was! Ah, well, women’s hair is long... but their wit is short! Never mind; I’ll be even with you yet, and that pretty young gentleman shall smart for it too!’

I had, of course, to bear all these insults in silence. Semyon Matveitch I did not once see again. The separation from his son had been a shock to him too. Whether he felt remorse or — which is far more likely — wished to bind me for ever to my home, to my family — my family! — anyway, he assigned me a pension, which was to be paid into my stepfather’s hands, and to be given to me till I married.... This humiliating alms, this pension I still receive... that is to say, Mr. Ratsch receives it for me....

We settled in Moscow. I swear by the memory of my poor mother, I would not have remained two days, not two hours, with my stepfather, after once reaching the town... I would have gone away, not knowing where... to the police; I would have flung myself at the feet of the governor - general, of the senators; I don’t know what I would have done, if it had not happened, at the very moment of our starting from the country, that the girl who had been our maid managed to give me a letter from Michel! Oh, that letter! How many times I read over each line, how many times I covered it with kisses! Michel besought me not to lose heart, to go on hoping, to believe in his unchanging love; he swore that he would never belong to any one but me; he called me his wife, he promised to overcome all hindrances, he drew a picture of our future, he asked of me only one thing, to be patient, to wait a little....

And I resolved to wait and be patient. Alas! what would I not have agreed to, what would I not have borne, simply to do his will! That letter became my holy thing, my guiding star, my anchor. Sometimes when my stepfather would begin abusing and insulting me, I would softly lay my hand on my bosom (I wore Michel’s letter sewed into an amulet) and only smile. And the more violent and abusive was Mr. Ratsch, the easier, lighter, and sweeter was the heart within me.... I used to see, at last, by his eyes, that he began to wonder whether I was going out of my mind.... Following on this first letter came a second, still more full of hope.... It spoke of our meeting soon.

Alas! instead of that meeting there came a morning... I can see Mr. Ratsch coming in — and triumph again, malignant triumph, in his face — and in his hands a page of the
Invalid
, and there the announcement of the death of the Captain of the Guards — Mihail Koltovsky.

What can I add? I remained alive, and went on living in Mr. Ratsch’s house. He hated me as before — more than before — he had unmasked his black soul too much before me, he could not pardon me that. But that was of no consequence to me. I became, as it were, without feeling; my own fate no longer interested me. To think of him, to think of him! I had no interest, no joy, but that. My poor Michel died with my name on his lips.... I was told so by a servant, devoted to him, who had been with him when he came into the country. The same year my stepfather married Eleonora Karpovna. Semyon Matveitch died shortly after. In his will he secured to me and increased the pension he had allowed me.... In the event of my death, it was to pass to Mr. Ratsch....

Two — three — years passed... six years, seven years.... Life has been passing, ebbing away... while I merely watched how it was ebbing. As in childhood, on some river’s edge one makes a little pond and dams it up, and tries in all sorts of ways to keep the water from soaking through, from breaking in. But at last the water breaks in, and then you abandon all your vain efforts, and you are glad instead to watch all that you had guarded ebbing away to the last drop....

So I lived, so I existed, till at last a new, unhoped - for ray of warmth and light....’

The manuscript broke off at this word; the following leaves had been torn off, and several lines completing the sentence had been crossed through and blotted out.

XVIII

The reading of this manuscript so upset me, the impression made by Susanna’s visit was so great, that I could not sleep all night, and early in the morning I sent an express messenger to Fustov with a letter, in which I besought him to come to Moscow as soon as possible, as his absence might have the most terrible results. I mentioned also my interview with Susanna, and the manuscript she had left in my hands. After having sent off the letter, I did not go out of the house all day, and pondered all the time on what might be happening at the Ratsches’. I could not make up my mind to go there myself. I could not help noticing though that my aunt was in a continual fidget; she ordered pastilles to be burnt every minute, and dealt the game of patience, known as ‘the traveller,’ which is noted as a game in which one can never succeed. The visit of an unknown lady, and at such a late hour, had not been kept secret from her: her imagination at once pictured a yawning abyss on the edge of which I was standing, and she was continually sighing and moaning and murmuring French sentences, quoted from a little manuscript book entitled
Extraits de Lecture
. In the evening I found on the little table at my bedside the treatise of De Girando, laid open at the chapter: On the evil influence of the passions. This book had been put in my room, at my aunt’s instigation of course, by the elder of her companions, who was called in the household Amishka, from her resemblance to a little poodle of that name, and was a very sentimental, not to say romantic, though elderly, maiden lady. All the following day was spent in anxious expectation of Fustov’s coming, of a letter from him, of news from the Ratsches’ house... though on what ground could they have sent to me? Susanna would be more likely to expect me to visit her.... But I positively could not pluck up courage to see her without first talking to Fustov. I recalled every expression in my letter to him.... I thought it was strong enough; at last, late in the evening, he appeared.