Words Can Change Your Brain (19 page)

Step 10: Speak Slowly

Slow speech rates increase a listener’s ability to comprehend what you are saying, and this is true for both young and older adults.
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Slower speaking will also deepen that person’s respect for you,
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and if you are speaking to someone with any form of language disability, it is essential to proceed slowly, articulating one word at a time.
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Interestingly, faster speakers are often viewed as more competent than slower speakers.
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But we believe that this is a culturally learned behavior, and one that can easily be taken advantage of to mask a speaker’s true intentions and inadequacies. Jeremy Dean, a researcher at University College London, suggests that we be particularly wary of the silver-tongued talker because “the fast pace is distracting and we may find it difficult to pick out the argument’s flaws.” He also adds that we should slow down when addressing our peers concerning matters of mutual agreement.
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Speaking slowly is not as natural as it may seem, and as children we automatically speak fast. But you can teach a child to slow down by speaking slowly yourself because they’ll match the rate of your voice.
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A slow voice has a calming effect on a person who is feeling anxious, whereas a loud, fast voice will stimulate excitement, anger, or fear.
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When we train people in Compassionate Communication, we ask participants to practice speaking extremely slowly so they can become aware of their speaking styles. The true power of speaking slowly is in the increased
consciousness
it brings to an otherwise habituated process.

Step 11: Speak Briefly

As you know by now, in Compassionate Communication we have a basic rule: whenever possible limit your speaking to thirty seconds or less. And if you need to communicate something essential to the listener, break your information into even smaller segments—a sentence or two—then wait for the person to acknowledge that they’ve understood you.

It’s a hard concept to embrace. Why? The best reason we know of is that our busy minds have not been able to clearly formulate the essence of what we want to convey, so we babble on, externalizing the flow of information generated by our inner speech.

In centuries past, this problem was addressed by writing. If you really had something important to say, you wrote it in a letter or posted it in the community newspaper. Writing itself is a great way to consolidate one’s thoughts, and so we recommend that you write down the major points of what you want to say, especially before an important meeting.

Although we’ve covered this point several times already, it bears repeating: our conscious minds can only retain a tiny bit of information, and for thirty seconds or less. Then it’s booted out of working memory as a new set of information is uploaded. Our solution: honor the golden rule of consciousness and say only a sentence or two. Then pause and take a small deep breath, to relax. If the other person remains silent, say another sentence or two, and then pause again. This allows the other person to join in whenever they feel the need to respond or to ask for clarification. If you must speak for a longer period of time, forewarn the listener. This will encourage them to pay closer attention to you and to ignore their own intrusive inner speech.

Ideally, we suggest that you explain this rule of communication to your partner, and then invite them to experiment with you, each taking turns speaking a sentence or two for thirty seconds or less. If your partner agrees to this strategy, you’ll find that you can accomplish an enormous amount in a short period of time, even if you don’t use the other components of Compassionate Communication. This is the key strategy we teach to people who are involved in complex negotiations and conflict resolution, and it’s especially effective when mediating volatile dialogues between opposing parties.

Step 12: Listen Deeply

To listen deeply and fully, you must train your mind to stay focused on the person who is speaking: their words, tone, gestures, facial cues—everything. It’s a great gift to give to someone, since to be fully listened to and understood by others is the most commonly cited deep relationship or communication value.
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When the other person pauses—and hopefully they’ll have enough self-awareness not to ramble on and on—you’ll need to respond specifically to what they just said. If you shift the conversation to what you were previously saying, or to a different topic, it will interrupt the neurological “coherence” between the two of you, and the flow of your dialogue will be broken.
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When practicing Compassionate Communication, there’s usually no need to interrupt. If the other person doesn’t stop talking, they may be giving you an important clue. Perhaps their mind is preoccupied, or perhaps they are deeply caught up in their own feelings and thoughts. If this is the case, it’s unlikely that they will be able to listen deeply to what you want to say.

But what if you have to convey something important, and your time is running out? Neurologically, this is a dilemma, because the listener will feel your interruption as an intrusion. There’s no simple solution to this problem, which is why we encourage people to formally agree to speak briefly. If you must interrupt, you can apply the other strategies of Compassionate Communication. For example, you can quickly interject an apology and a compliment, using a warm, slow voice as you maintain a gentle gaze: “I’m sorry to interrupt since I do value what you are saying. But unfortunately I have a meeting I have to attend, and I want to make sure I’m able to tell you what I need to convey.” For most people, this form of imposition will be met with appreciation.

It’s also important to realize that most people are unaware that they are hoarding the conversation. They get caught up in their inner dialogues, and they are often impatient to speak lest they forget something important. In fact, research shows that most of us begin to speak
before
the other person has finished talking. Even doctors, who are trained to listen carefully for important medical information, tend to interrupt patients within twenty-three seconds, long before the patient’s concerns have been stated!
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Our advice: if you are engaged in an important discussion, and it becomes clear that the conversation is taking too long, you can suggest to the other person that you both take turns speaking only a sentence or two. You’ll be surprised at how quickly an entire business plan, a medical treatment, or even a social event can be laid out.

If the other person keeps going on and on, and there’s no need to interrupt, you can use this as an opportunity to study that person in detail. You can observe and at the same time watch how your own inner speech reacts. Allow yourself to flow with the words you hear and the facial expressions you see, and don’t worry about what you may remember or forget. You’ll actually be practicing a form of meditation that is neurologically enhancing and emotionally relaxing—a far cry from what we usually feel when we are bored by someone speaking.

Bad Listening

According to Lisa J. Downs, former president of the American Society for Training and Development, bad listening behaviors include daydreaming (thinking about unrelated topics when someone is speaking), debating (having an inner argument about what is being said), judging (letting negative views influence you), problem solving (yearning to give unasked-for advice), pseudolistening (pretending to be a good listener), rehearsing (planning what you want to say next), stage hogging (redirecting the conversation to suit your own goals), ambushing (gathering information to use against the other person), selective listening (only responding to the parts of the conversation that interest you), defensive listening (taking everything personally), and avoidant listening (blocking out what you don’t want to hear).

The Power of Intuition

There you have it: twelve steps and strategies that can transform any conversation into a remarkable event by fostering trust, empathy, and cooperation through the process we call neural resonance. But it will take practice to change the familiar patterns of dialogue that you are used to.

Effective communication demands a conscious, concerted effort, lest we slip back into old behaviors. So we ask you to practice these strategies every chance you get and to share them with your family, friends, and colleagues. Discuss the twelve steps and decide which ones make sense for you. If you want to change them, by all means do, and if you find a strategy you believe is essential, please let us know. Compassionate Communication is a process and an “open source” experiment that hundreds of people have contributed to, and we expect that the process will continue to evolve.

This brings us to our final piece of advice, drawn from many years of research into the nature of human consciousness and the hidden powers of the mind: trust your intuition, and do what feels right for you.

Every person is unique, every interaction is unique, and every conversation is unique. Some strategies will work for some people at certain times, while other strategies will be called for with other people at other times. So we have to trust our intuition, which, from our perspective, contains a vast reservoir of insight that is rarely expressed in casual conversation.

Somewhere inside us—behind all the noise of everyday consciousness—there is a calm, observant self capable of making wise decisions. We can exercise this inner voice by practicing the twelve strategies of Compassionate Communication and following the advice of the inner wisdom of life.

C
HAPTER 9

Compassionate Communication

Retraining Your Social Brain

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n this chapter we’re going to guide you through two specifically structured scripts designed to undermine old, habitual, and ineffective ways of communicating and replace them with a more effective strategy that will help to enhance social relationships, reduce misunderstandings and conflicts, and generate mutual cooperation and productivity for all concerned.

We’ve divided the script into two parts. The first part is structured so that you can do it alone, before you converse with someone, and the second part is designed so that you can practice Compassionate Communication with a partner.

After you’ve read through this chapter, we recommend that you practice this exercise with three different people and repeat it three times with each of them. That’s nine practice sessions lasting twenty minutes each—a three-hour commitment—but it’s enough to give you a thorough
experiential
sense of its value and to begin to build new neural networks in your brain.

The exercise is designed to alter the tempo and rhythm of speech while you remain in a relaxed state of heightened awareness. It integrates all the strategies we described in the previous chapter in a way that will allow you to bring them into real-life conversations with others. After you’ve practiced the training exercise below, you’ll find that you can vary it to work with nearly everyone you meet.

Surprisingly, other people don’t seem to notice that you’re talking more slowly or more briefly or that you are observing their facial expressions more closely. Instead, if asked, they are likely to say that you appeared more focused and attentive. They sense that you have become a better listener, and you may perceive them as being more relaxed and interested in what you have to say. They will
feel
your presence,
whether they are aware of it or not.

Preparing to Practice

The first ten-minute script will guide you through a relaxation and focusing process designed to bring you into the present moment, feeling positive about yourself and optimistic about engaging another person in a conversation. You can do this part alone, in preparation for talking with someone, or you can do it with a friend, family member, or colleague. The second ten-minute script is designed to be practiced with a partner who is willing to do this exercise with you. Practicing with a real person has its advantages, but it’s not always practical.

Imaginary dialogues can have great value, especially when you need to address a difficult person or discuss an uncomfortable conflict with a family member or friend. By rehearsing how a conversation
may
evolve, you can often predict the best way to communicate your needs. You can also predict, with a fair degree of accuracy, how the other person might react or respond, and this allows you to alter your strategy in ways that would encourage a win-win scenario when the two of you sit down to speak. Imaginary dialogues have also been shown to change the brain in ways that will improve performance when they’re actually carried out.

Ideally, the best way to follow any exercise is to listen to it, and in
Appendix A
we’ve provided you with information for obtaining a CD or downloadable mp3 version of the Compassionate Communication script. When you read an exercise, you have to engage more neural circuits in your brain: you need to hold the book, recognize the words with your eyes, translate them into inner speech, and then carry out the step-by-step instructions. The solution: just give yourself more time as you read. Read each sentence out loud, very slowly. This will make the experience more meaningful and intense, and it will shift your consciousness into a more observant and attentive state.

Alternatively, you can make a recording of this script, as you practice it, and play it back. With today’s computer and cell phone technology, it’s easy to do. Just make sure that you speak as slowly as you possibly can. You can also take turns with a partner reading the script to each other. Or consider forming a small group, with several friends, and have one person read the script while others follow. This provides the advantage of being able to listen to how different people react and respond, and the positive experiences expressed by others will add support for practicing Compassionate Communication with others.