Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom (52 page)

If you’re still hanging on to and trying to control someone or something you’ve created, see what it feels like to let go and trust.

Know that your creative power is sorely needed in the outer world now. This power can serve you and others very well when you access it fully and don’t try to control or force it. The late African American writer and civil rights leader Howard Thurman articulated this perfectly: “Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

8
Reclaiming the Erotic

If you cannot face directly into your sexuality,
You will never discover your true spirituality.
Your earthly spirit leads to discovering your heavenly spirit.
Look at what created you to discover what will immortalize you.

—Hsi Lai,
The Sexual Teachings of the White Tigress

When I speak of the erotic, I speak of it as an assertion of the lifeforce of women; of that creative energy empowered, the knowledge and use of which we are now reclaiming in our language, our history, our dancing, our loving, our work, our lives.

—Audre Lorde

WE ARE SEXUAL BEINGS

A
ppreciating and embracing our sexuality is a key part of flourishing. All life is, after all, sexually transmitted. Most of us were conceived with an orgasm, even if it was just your father’s. The main reason why sex sells everything from cars to shampoo is that we are naturally drawn to life-sustaining and pleasurable energy. Our cells recognize it just as instinctively as a bee recognizes honey. Sure, you can sublimate sexual energy into other areas of life besides actually having sex. But your body will respond to the erotic until the day you die. We are hardwired from birth for sexual pleasure. It is our birthright. Humans are the only primates whose sexual desire and functioning are not necessarily related to the reproductive cycle. Women’s ability to enjoy sexual pleasure is virtually limitless, which is why marriage and family therapist Pat Allen, Ph.D., refers to women as “orgasmatrons.” Women’s sexuality is involved in both giving and receiving sexual pleasure, as well as in reproduction. Even the act of giving birth can be orgasmic. (See
chapter 12
.)

Sexuality is an organic, normal, physical, and emotional function of human life, and we are capable of sexual pleasure and function for our entire lives. The research of Gina Ogden, Ph.D., a well-known sexuality researcher and author of the ground breaking book
The Heart and Soul of Sex
(Trumpeter Books, 2006), points out that it is women in their sixties and seventies who are having the best sex of their lives.
¹
Research studies have shown that regular sex with a partner is associated with more regular and fertile menstrual cycles, lighter periods, better moods, pain relief, better bladder control, fewer colds and fevers, reduced stress, staying in shape, increased estrogen and testosterone, and better weight control.
²

One of the main reasons for this is that pleasurable sex causes a huge outpouring of the gas nitric oxide from the lining of our blood vessels. This not only increases circulation throughout the body but also balances hormones and neurotransmitters. Nitric oxide has been referred to as the fountain of youth, which is probably the reason why David Weeks, Ph.D., found that people who engage in sex on a regular basis look much younger than their chronological age. Dr. Weeks, a neuropsychologist at Scotland’s Royal Edinburgh Hospital, studied 3,500 people ranging in age from 18 to 102.
³

Women’s Erogenous Anatomy: The Clitoral System

The clitoris, which contains eight thousand nerve endings whose sole function is pleasure, is simply the tip of the female erogenous anatomy. This relatively small bud-like protrusion just above the vaginal opening is connected to a large network of erogenous erectile tissue deep in the pelvis on either side of the vagina and also around the urethra (known as the urethral sponge). The glans of the clitoris is partly covered by the clitoral hood or foreskin. The clitoral shaft in an unexcited state is less than an inch long and mostly hidden from view. When excited, however, it may swell to twice its normal diameter. In addition, the “legs” of the clitoris, the vestibular bulbs on either side of the vaginal entrance, and the spongy erectile tissue surrounding the urethra will also swell; the vagina will elongate, and the innermost third of the vagina will balloon out, lifting the uterus and cervix. If intercourse occurs after full female sexual response, the changed shape of the vagina will help bring sperm to the cervix, facilitating conception. As is obvious from this description, female sexual response is far more internal than external.

The tip of the clitoris is extremely sensitive to the touch because of the thousands of nerve endings there. The clitoris will easily emerge from underneath its hood under pleasurable conditions of all kinds, including being admired by a lover, or simply when a woman sends positive thoughts and feelings to this area of her body. The inner lips of the vulva will also begin to engorge and the vagina will begin to lubricate when a woman so much as thinks about her genitals in a positive way. Stop right now and just feel your clitoris. See what happens. Also try this: Get a magnifying hand mirror and sit down in a place with good light. Examine your vulva, clitoris, and vagina. Now send loving, admiring thoughts to the area. Watch what happens. (This is also a wonderful exercise to do with a lover.)

The clitoris is also anatomically connected to the G-spot (the sacred spot in tantric texts). I think of the clitoris as the north pole and the G-spot as the south pole. Nipple sensation also leads directly to strong clitoral stimulation and pelvic muscle contractions. So does kissing. The level of sensitivity can be very clearly understood by looking at a sensory homunculus, which is a kind of body map that illustrates by the relative size of the lips, tongue, and genitals, as well as hands and feet, which parts of the body have the most sensory connections—via nerve endings—to the brain, and therefore which have the greatest sensitivity to sensation.

All in all, women have more pelvic blood flow than men and just as much pelvic erogenous erectile tissue. That, combined with stronger and longer pelvic floor muscles, argues for an even greater capacity for sexual response in women than in men. Most women, however, have never been taught about their clitoral system and don’t even have a name for their genitals other than “vagina” (which refers to only one part of the pelvic anatomy). Men, on the other hand, have dozens of names for their penises, and not one is “down there.” It’s little wonder that so many women have yet to experience the fullness of their erotic potential.

Amrita: Female Ejaculation

During sexual arousal, the vagina produces lubrication from a number of sources. The glands (Bartholin’s and Skene’s glands) at the junction of the vulva and the vaginal opening (the introitus) secrete fluid. The walls of the vagina itself produce a fluid known as transudate during sexual stimulation. Some women experience a gush of fluid from their vaginas during orgasm, called female ejaculate. The female ejaculate is actually made up of different fluids from different parts of the urogenital system, including a female “prostatic” gland.
⁴
This fluid has also been called
amrita,
or divine nectar. Many women mistake this female ejaculation for loss of urine at the time of orgasm, but this fluid is not urine, even though it does come in part through the urethra. This fluid release, which may amount to a cupful or more at a time and may occur more than once during lovemaking, is a normal component of female sexual response. Knowing its true nature is very reassuring for women.
⁵

FIGURE 12: THE CLITORAL SYSTEM

The clitoral system is a rich network of erectile, erogenous tissue in the pelvis that is as extensive as that found in the male penis. The clitoris is the only part that is easily visible from the outside.

Release of the amrita may occur even without an orgasm, such as when a woman “loses it” during laughter, joy, or love. In such a case, the woman is not “losing it”—she is actually
becoming
the energy of joy or love and, far from losing anything, is
gain ing
the essence of these ecstatic feelings.
⁶
Though every woman has the potential for experiencing this outpouring of her divine nectar, she can do so only by learning to surrender herself to deep happiness— which may or may not be sexual.

Awakening the Sacred Spot

Charles Muir and Caroline Muir, authors of
Tantra: The Art of Conscious
Loving
(Mercury House, 1989), as well as Joan Heartfield, Ph.D., and Tomas Heartfield (cofounders of the Divine Feminine–Awakened Masculine Institute with Caroline Muir; see
www.divine-feminine.com
) have spent many years helping individuals and couples connect their sexuality and spirituality. They teach a technique for couples that involves massaging the sacred spot very, very gently (starting with the little finger) while also breathing together and keeping eye contact with each other. The partner who is doing the massaging gives 100 percent of his or her attention to the comfort of the receiving partner. Her only job is to lie back, receive this healing touch, and provide feedback. Great care is also taken to connect one’s genitals with one’s heart. The sacred spot is often where women store all their personal hurts and pain. (I can certainly attest to this in my years of doing pelvic exams.)

Because of our cultural and individual heritage around sexuality, many women have pain or numbness in their sacred spot. Gentle massaging in a loving atmosphere eventually causes this to dissipate while also processing and releasing past sexual trauma. For many women, arousal of this spot for the first few times is often associated with pain or unpleasant memories. A woman and her partner who understand this will proceed slowly, both with sacred spot massage and also with lovemaking, particularly intercourse. Eventually this process can awaken a woman to more bliss than she realized was possible. It will also strengthen and prolong orgasms.