Wolf Women (The Madison Wolves Book 10) (33 page)

I sighed. "No."

"Are you going to do anything incredibly stupid?"

"No. I'm going to limit myself to the normal level of stupid for a while."

"All right then. The road to recovery starts right now. I'm keeping the wine for you; I'll give them back when you have something you want to celebrate."

"Portia's beer-"

"Is already waiting for her at Karen's place. You're going to promise me to stay away from alcohol until you're ready to return to your old habits."

"You mean, of never drinking."

She smiled. "Yes."

I sighed and promised.

"No more picking fights with your mate."

I sighed and promised.

"No more skipping pack events."

I promised that without the sigh.

"Movie nights."

"Small this week," I said.

"All right. I'll handle the invitations this week, but you'll return to normal next week. And your other commitments?"

"Oh my god, the kids-"

"I handled it, but it's too much for me, Zoe. I need you back there. I'll take care of it for one more day, but you will be speech coaching tomorrow afternoon, and the kids deserve that dance."

"Not to mention the solar panels."

"Not to mention. We suspended that, but you need to get back to it."

"Who is going to finish Ember's panel?" I asked. Of all the things to worry about, that was about the last.

"Scarlett and I want to," Angel said. "If you'll let us."

I looked over at her and nodded.

"All right," said Michaela. "Good. Now, you're going to go upstairs and pop in the shower. Dress nice. Your mate is taking you to lunch."

"I-"

"You should perhaps apologize to her and then accept her forgiveness," Michaela said. "Or you're going to sink back again." She looked at Angel. "Stay with her until Portia gets here."

* * * *

It wasn't like a light switch. I didn't go from being self-absorbed and lost in my grief to being my old self.

But I apologized profusely to Portia. She didn't say anything at first but simply pulled me into her arms and held me tightly. When finally I looked up, I saw her crying.

She never cried.

"I'm sorry, Portia!" I said. "Please, I'm sorry! Please forgive me!"

"Shh," she said, pulling my head against her. "I thought I was losing you. I couldn't stand to lose you both."

She made love to me that night, our first time since Ember's departure. It was gentle and a little awkward for both of us. But she held me afterwards, and we professed our love for each other.

It was even more awkward in the morning. Portia made me get up with her, and we went to the gym. She helped me with my workout, my first in weeks. I felt weak and flabby to go with being out of sorts, but Portia didn't judge.

I wasn't ready for breakfast at the alphas', and so we ate together back at home before she headed for work.

At midmorning, I stopped by the school, waiting outside Michaela's classroom until she noticed me and invited me to enter.

"I'm sorry for interrupting," I said. "I just wanted to let everyone know that I want to meet with the speech team after school, if everyone can make it."

There were some tentative smiles from a few faces.

"They'll be there," Michaela said. "I'll let the others know."

"I also need to meet with the dance committee."

"We can do that after the speech team meeting," Iris said.

"No, I think people will be working on speeches. But you can let me know when you want to get together. Maybe after dinner some night this week, or we could get together Saturday or Sunday morning."

She glanced around the room then said, "Tonight, if you're free."

"I'm free," I said. "Come to the house about seven, if you can."

"What about our solar panels?" Layton asked.

I turned to Michaela. "Next week?"

She nodded.

"Regular schedule for that to resume next week," I declared. I paused. "Kids, I'm sorry."

I don't know if Michaela signaled them, but most of the kids rose from their seats and surrounded me. "We understand," Lindsey said. "We miss her, too."

"Thanks, kids. I'll get out of your way now. Alpha, I apologize for interrupting."

"Quite all right," Michaela said. "I'm glad you did, Zoe."

The kids released me, and I headed for the door, but then Iris asked, "Zoe?"

I turned around.

"May we start taking you for roller coaster rides again?"

I thought about it. "For now, let's keep it to a one or two."

She nodded.

* * * *

And so, I began to put my life back together. I took my responsibilities back. I took my mate back, and I vowed to make things up to her, as best I could.

And if some days I stood in Ember's room and cried for a while, well, no one else needed to know that.

I lay in Portia's arms, spent. We were both sweaty, and if I strained my ears, I thought perhaps I could hear the echoes of the things I had screamed.

All of them were at Portia's urging, of course.

"Zoe," she said. "I want to talk to you about something."

"I think we already did."

"I want to talk to you about something else."

"This sounds like a serious conversation. Are we dressed for it?" I opened my eyes and lifted my chin to look up at her face. She looked troubled. "How can you have that expression after what we just did?"

"I want us to go see a doctor."

I sat up. "What?" I asked. "Is something wrong? Are you sick?"

"No, honey," she said. She pulled me back to her. "No one is sick. I want us to go see an OB/GYN."

I stiffened for a moment, then relaxed.

"I want children," she said. "Even when Ember was here, we talked about having children."

I didn't answer her at first. "All right," I said finally. "When?"

"There's a pack doctor," she replied. "I made a tentative appointment for next Monday. I already checked with your schedule. We'll be back before you have to meet with the kids."

"What would you have done if I'd said, 'no'?"

"Cancelled it and asked again in a few months."

That was the right answer. I settled in. "All right. Monday."

* * * *

On Monday, I was nervous. If Portia noticed, she didn't say anything. She collected me early and took me to lunch, and we presented ourselves at the clinic promptly at one.

It looked like an ordinary clinic, and the women in the waiting room were human. But the receptionist was a wolf. She addressed Portia as, 'Ms. Fleming' but didn't seem to know what to call me.

We filled out the usual assortment of paperwork, and a few minutes later, far sooner than I expected, a nurse escorted us in back. She was human, but Zoe whispered to me, "Her husband is pack". I nodded understanding. She was one of the human women in the pack.

The nurse did the things nurses do. She weighed and measured both of us. And then she took my vitals along with a variety of samples. She didn't take any from Portia. I wondered about that.

"We know what Ms. Fleming's samples will tell us," the nurse explained. "She is clearly perfectly healthy. You appear to also be healthy, but you understand."

"Right."

"Doctor Cook will be along shortly," she said. "If you can put on the gown..."

I groaned, which I thought amused Portia, but once the nurse had stepped out, I stripped and pulled on the flimsy hospital gown.

"I suppose you aren't subjected to this part, either."

"Nope."

"I think if you're such a perfect specimen, you should carry this child."

She didn't say anything.

"Portia?"

"If you do not want to carry our child," she said, "then I will, if we decide to have one. But I believe this is something you want, and you are only teasing me."

She was probably right.

It was some time before the doctor arrived. I grew more nervous and tried to hide it by teasing Portia. But it turned out she was nervous, too, and she didn't respond to my taunts.

Finally I pressed against her. "Do you think I look hot in this gown? Do you have visions of putting me on the table there-" I gestured. "Perhaps you would strap my feet into the stirrups."

"Zoe!"

I grinned at her. She kissed me quickly. "I love you, Zoe Fleming."

"I love you, too, Portia Fleming."

Together, we sighed.

But I was still nervous.

There was a knock, and then the door opened. A woman in a white lab coat with a stethoscope draped over her neck stepped in. She was clearly a wolf. We both stood, and she closed the door.

"Good afternoon," she said. "Ms. Fleming." She shook Portia's hand. She turned to me. "I am Doctor Cook."

"Call me Zoe, Doctor," I said, offering my hand.

She nodded. "Well, sit, sit," she said, gesturing. "We can talk for a few minutes." She waited until we were seated before taking her own stool. She had my chart with her, and she opened it, skimming it for a minute or two. She had Portia's file, too, but she didn't even look at it. She lifted her eyes towards us.

"The two of you wish to have a baby," she announced.

"We're talking about it," Portia said. "We want to know our options."

"Well, let's talk about your goals first. Let's ask the three most obvious questions. Wolf or human?"

"Wolf," I said immediately.

"Half-wolf," Portia said on top of me.

She and I looked at each other. "We'll discuss both options," Portia said, "and then decide together." And I nodded.

"All right," said the doctor. "Have you decided which of you would carry the child?"

"The risks," I started to say.

"All right," Doctor Cook said. "Setting aside the risks for a moment, what is your preference?"

I looked at Portia, and she nodded to me. "Me," I said. "But-"

"Right," she interrupted. "So, the preference is for Zoe to carry the baby, but if we deem the risks are unacceptable?"

"Then I will carry our child," Portia stated. I reached over and clasped her hand.

"Very good," said the doctor. "And the last question. Have you thought about the process?"

I looked at Portia again, then back to the doctor. "If I carry the baby, I want one of Portia's eggs."

"And if Portia carries this child?"

I looked at Portia and back at the doctor. "Is it safe to speak plainly?"

"Yes," the doctor said. "If you do not shout."

"I want our baby to have fur," I said, "and I would prefer she resemble her mother wolf. There is a family resemblance between Lara, Elisabeth, and Angel, so I presume closely related wolves resemble each other in fur, but I do not know if Lara and Elisabeth look like their parents."

The doctor smiled. "Portia, how do you feel?"

"I-" she paused. "I am torn. Part of me wants to use one of Zoe's eggs, but part of me agrees with Zoe. But I will love this child no matter whose DNA she carries."

"My eggs are old," I said. "All right, they aren't as old as Portia's, but I'm only human." I glanced at Portia then back at the doctor. "Portia's eggs are healthier. And I want my baby to look like Mommy Wolf. But maybe she would look like her father instead, or some cross between them."

"That is why we'll have a half-wolf," Portia said.

"All right," said the doctor. "I believe I have the picture. Well, Zoe, you appear healthy so far, but you know what comes next." She gestured. I stood up and moved to the examination table.

I hated this part of visiting my own OB/GYN.

She was very thorough.

Finally she told me I could get down. I reassembled the annoying gown and returned to my seat next to Portia. The doctor took some notes and turned to us.

"Zoe, you appear very healthy for a human female of your age. I would want copies of all your medical records. One of the forms you signed is a release, so we will acquire them. I will need to review them before making a final recommendation. However, everything looks good. So let us talk tentatively for now, so you may have the full picture. Once I have all your records and we get the lab results back, we'll meet again."

I nodded.

"You are concerned about risks." She talked at length about the risks of childbirth, paying particular attention to the increased risks at my age. "That's all the bad news. Now, here is the good news. Wolves, even half wolves, do not suffer birth defects. There can be birth complications, but I do not allow those."

I smiled at that.

"I am exceedingly careful of my human mothers," she said. "You would be on restrictions from the very beginning, and you would follow them meticulously."

"She means no drinking, no drugs, no smoking, and no roller coaster rides."

The doctor frowned. "I did not see mention of drugs or smoking."

"She's kidding," I said. "I am as straight laced as they come, Doctor."

The doctor eyed her carefully, but Portia said, "She is. My apologies. I was lightening the mood."

She finally nodded.

"Well, you would be on restrictions. We would take very, very complete care of you. Birth would be in the hospital, and I am very aggressive in performing C-sections with the human mothers of werewolves." She looked at Portia. "If I tell you I am performing a C-section, you will sign whatever I give you to sign."

"I want a natural birth," I declared.

"Frankly," said the doctor, "I don't care. I want a healthy baby and a healthy mother. Do I make myself clear?"

"We'll try for a natural birth?"

"We'll try," she agreed. "But if the little darling is so much as five days late, we'll be scheduling your C-section. If labor is not going the way I want, C-section. If you sneeze in an unsettling fashion-"

"Wait, let me guess. C-section?"

She nodded. "I have a great deal of information to give you. You will read it. Both of you."

"Yes, Doctor." I paused. "How does it work? Where do we get the. Um."

"Ah. We should talk about full wolf and half wolf. Just like a human, the child of two wolves carries the mixed DNA from both parents. The same sort of dominant and recessive genes that you perhaps learned in school applies to werewolves as well."

"Zoe's eyes are blue," I pointed out.

"Yes, and if we use material from a male wolf with all brown eyed ancestors, then the baby will have brown eyes. But simply because the wolf has brown eyes doesn't mean he carries no genes for blue eyes."

I looked at Portia. She didn't have the same scientific background, but she nodded understanding.

"So, a child of two wolves can look quite a lot like one parent or the other or some mix and match in between. You may wonder how this child could be the child of either parent."

"Right," I said.

"However, wolf genes are dominant. Period. If we use wolf genes and human genes, the child's appearance will not be a clone of the mother's, but she will deeply resemble her mother."

I turned to Portia and smiled, but then looked back to the doctor. "What about grandchildren? If our child were to mate with a human, now the new baby is three quarters human, and has a fifty percent chance of any particular gene pair of both being human."

"It would seem like that," she said. "But it doesn't seem to work that way. We don't have enough study to understand completely. It may be that if you proceed down that path several generations, you might find the human genes begin to overwhelm the wolf genes. It seems like it should happen with the first grandchild, but we don't have any evidence of that." She shrugged. "No one is spending time studying it to that depth. That will change when we get a few people doing in depth study of the wolf genome, but that is risky research right now."

I turned to Portia. "Half wolf and your eggs," I said. "That's best."

She nodded, then pulled my hand to her lips and kissed it.

We had more questions. We talked about the process further, and then we ran out of questions.

"Well then," said the doctor. "The nurse will have a fork truck full of information for you to read. Go home, go through the material, talk, and in a few days, once I've had a chance to go over your full records, Zoe, we'll talk again."

* * * *

We read the material, staying up late the next three nights to discuss it together. Portia was excited, but I was troubled.

I wanted to do this. I wanted to do this for Portia, for me, for us. I wanted to carry her baby. I wanted this.

But it felt like we were trying to replace Ember.

It was too soon.

Finally, I said that to Portia. Her face fell. I suddenly felt like a heel. But she nodded. "You're right," she said. She paused. "If Ember called tomorrow, I don't think I'd want to tell her you were pregnant."

"Maybe in the spring," I said. "I don't know. It might still feel like it's too soon. I'm sorry, Portia. If-" I paused. "If I can't carry the baby, how many years before it's too late for you?"

"Ten, maybe fifteen," she said. "We have time, honey. It's all right."

I let her make gentle love to me, but we were both disappointed, and it felt like it was my fault.

Again.