Without You I Have Nothing (8 page)

_{The trip back to
Jennifer’s apartment was quiet. Peter’s dream was shattered and he was no
company}

_{Silently with
shoulders slumped, Peter carried the groceries into the kitchen. Then, the task
completed, quietly he made his way out into the foyer where he stood dumbly
unable to think of what to say. He made no attempt to touch Jennifer denying
the feelings racing through his body. Before turning to walk away, he handed
Jennifer his business card. “If you call at the BMW dealer alongside that
address and show this card you will get a price that will be hard to refuse. Please
honor me and use my card.”}

_{Jennifer closed the
door and began weeping softly as she leant against it.}

_{Her thoughts were in
turmoil.}

_{‘The sunlight
disappeared when I hinted I had a date for tonight. He seemed destroyed and
then he handed me the business card. Is he trying to control me?  No, I don’t
think so. He’s really trying very hard to be my friend but I want more than a
friendship with a gay. I want a man to love me, to protect me. Why did I pretend
I had a date?  Why can’t I be brave and ask him if he is gay. But if I do will
he walk away?’}

_{Incensed, believing
that Jennifer had a date, Peter drove to the workshop. There, as he relived the
day’s events, slowly he came to comprehend that he should have had sense enough
to realize she had only met him the previous night. Just because he had enjoyed
her company so much, he believed she had enjoyed his.}

_{'Bob and Ted would
have known what to do. Bob would have made sure that Jennifer would want to see
him again and Ted would have been masterful in his appropriate arrangements for
the future.'  Peter’s mind rambled on. ‘No wonder I found so many doors closing
behind me whenever I became interested in a woman. I know it’s my fault.' 
Disgusted, he admitted to himself that he couldn’t even summon the courage to
ask her for a date.}

_{Sitting in his
office, he stared at the wall in front of him. He did not see the
advertisements of cars, the promotions for spare parts and paints. All he could
see was a vision of that beautiful young woman who seemed to have stolen so
quietly into his life.}

_{Reviewing the day’s
activities, he wondered how he could have made his presence more forceful.}

_{Suddenly he blanched.
His mind had returned to his last meeting with his two Asian fathers.}

_{“You must let go
Peter!  You have had to control everything until now,” was their advice. “If
you had lost control for a single instant you would have lost your life but now
you must let go. You cannot – you must not - force your control on others. You
must learn to share your life with others if you want others in your life.”}

_{He felt ill. ‘There
is no way I want to control Jennifer. I want her love and I need her beside me
as my equal in everything. In this brief time, this young woman has wormed her
way into my soul and there is no way I want to control her.’  His thoughts
rambled as he admitted she had come into his life unbidden.}

_{He had not controlled
her then and he would not control her in the future.}

_{Slowly, as he tried
to decide how he could change his attitude he stood and walked into the
workshop donning his overalls as he went.}

_{He began to work.}

_{Seated in her
kitchen, Jennifer took stock of the situation. She decided that she was being
silly. ‘Peter is gay and there is no future for us but he still intrigues me.’}

_{She slipped into a
warm coat and with his business card in hand, called a taxi. She had to
discover what was behind this Peter. He was strange, he was thoughtful and he
was considerate. Besides, there was a depth to him she could not understand.}

_{At the workshop under
the blaze of lights, the racing car was ready. That is what Peter had
truthfully told the others but he busied himself pottering in its innards
making checks and even more checks trying to forget the realization of what a
series of blunders he had made during the day. In fact, the whole day had been
a hideous mistake.}

_{Perhaps, he decided,
he was bitter because Jennifer had a date. Trying to free his mind of the
beautiful young woman, he tinkered with the engine and polished the car. Finally,
he fired the engine, completely unaware of the redheaded woman from his
thoughts watching his every move through the workshop window. Neither was he
aware of her shaking her head as she left.}

_{He ran the engine
through its rev range as it warmed up. Its throaty roar reflected his feelings,
'How dare she have a date?  Aren’t I male enough?'}

_{Then, satisfied the
engine would stand up to the day’s racing, he switched it off. There was
nothing else to do.}

_{As he straightened
his aching back, thoughts hammered into his head. ‘No. No. No!  I can do
something else. There are plenty of good fish in the sea. Jennifer is not the
only woman in the world. I’ll just have to look about again.}

_{A hammering on the
shutters brought Peter back to reality.}

_{“Is the car loaded?” 
Bob was bright and cheery and Ted waved from his car. “My God, you look as
though you’ve not been to bed at all. Hook up the trailer and let’s get going. We
have a busy day ahead.”}

_{It was Sunday. The
night had flown. Peter had been so busy thinking of Jennifer and what he would
say, when next they met - if they met - so busy checking the car he had not
noticed the sunlight streaming into the workshop.}

_{The circuit was the
usual stink of racing fuel, exhaust smoke and dust.}

_{There was no time to
give thought to women as Ted and Peter busied themselves - Peter with the car
and Ted with last minute instructions to Bob. Good-natured calls from the other
crews, the usual formalities and official inspections kept Peter’s mind from
wandering. It wasn’t until Bob drove off for the first practice laps that Peter
was able to straighten and look about.}

_{Even then he was not
given time to relax. It seemed as though no sooner had Bob left than he was
back and again Peter’s head was under the bonnet as he made final checks.}

_{Dust, heat, exhaust
fumes and haze. The air was full of the screams of engines under torment and
the whine of over-stressed gears. Peter could only concentrate on his burnt
knuckles, the skin off his fingers and his aching back.}

_{Later, with a
scantily clad girl on each arm, Bob stood on the podium squirting champagne as
the successful driver.}

_{That was Sunday.}

_{Two weeks later,
early on the Monday morning, in spite of his good intentions, Peter was on the
phone eager to hear Jennifer’s voice. “Hey, Bob. What’s Jennifer’s extension
number?”}

_{“Jennifer, Jennifer
who?”  Bob, the perennial joker, paused, clearly determined to tease him. “284,
why?”}

_{“Oh, nothing,” Peter
was reluctant to tell Bob how desperately he wished to speak with her, how urgently
he needed to see her.}

_{“Well, well,” came
Bob’s good-natured chuckle. “So the Ice Maiden has claimed another victim.” 
Still laughing, he continued, “Well, I did warn you, but you - you young
fellows won’t listen. Hang on and I’ll get the exchange to put you through.”}

_{Peter recoiled. 'The
hide of him!  Us, young fellows indeed. We're the same age.'}

_{“Jennifer Blake
speaking. How can I help you?”}

_{Peter’s mind raced
and he could not answer. ‘How can you help me?  If only I could express my
feelings, if only I could tell you how much you can help me.”  He was
tongue-tied.}

_{That husky voice
recalled vivid memories of her perfume and her eyes. Peter was speechless.}

_{“Can I help you?”}

_{Jennifer interpreted
Peter’s silence as a faulty line. “I... I...”  ‘Oh God why can’t I speak to
her?’  Peter breathed a silent prayer.}

_{“Who’s speaking
please?”}

_“Peter.”

_{“Peter?”  Jennifer
sounded perplexed.}

_{Peter was horrified. She
couldn’t have forgotten me. I haven’t forgotten her. “Peter O'Brien.”  Again
Peter’s mind raced. ‘What am I doing on this damn phone?  She doesn’t even
recognize my voice. She failed to remember me. I am wasting my time.’  Then he
gathered himself and the words tumbled out. “I was the third man at the Trots
on that disastrous night - Bob’s friend.”}

_{“Oh, yes.”  Her voice
seemed to grow warm and Peter wanted to believe her eyes had softened as she
thought of him but he knew he was fooling himself.}

_{“Bob’s done nothing
but talk of you and your ability as an engineer. I believe The Three
Musketeers, as he labeled you, had some success racing a car. The photographs
on the wall of his office show the success you had with that girl. She
certainly was kissing you as the victorious engineer.”  Her voice sounded
steely.}

_{Peter’s heart fell. ‘That
is why she remembers me. Bob’s been talking. That damned photo did not tell the
truth.’  Bravely he mustered the courage to continue. “I know this is short
notice but are you doing anything tonight?”}

_{There was a long
pause and Peter died the death of a thousand cuts - the death of the faint
hearted.}

_{“I'm sorry.”  The
answer came at last.}

_{Peter broke into
emotional overload. 'God, at least I tried.'}

_{Then after a long
delay Jennifer continued, “Perhaps some other night...?”}

_{“Thursday night?” 
Peter’s words tumbled out. “I’ll pick you up at 7.30. Just wear jeans to be
comfortable, you won’t need to be formal and we’ll eat as well.”  Fearing that
if he talked any longer, he would betray what he had in mind Peter quickly
added, “I’ll pick you up,” and, without waiting for a reply, he hung up.}

_{Jennifer looked at
the now dead phone in her hand as she went back over that call. Her mind was in
a whirl. ‘I feel such a bitch putting him through hell like that. Company
policy demands that every officer, forwarding a phone call, states the caller’s
name. I knew it was Peter before I spoke. My heart is pounding so strongly and
I am trembling.}

_{‘All that rubbish
about trying to remember him was just that – rubbish. Every day I have been
praying he’d call. I’ve been so lonely that, even though I believe he’s gay, I
decided that I’d go out with him. If only I could untangle the secrecy that
surrounds him.}

_{‘Fancy pretending
that I have a date tonight when all I have to do is to iron my clothes and then
to wash my hair. I’d willingly swap that for a night with him. Will it be
another Vietnamese meal of Pho?  I know men call me the Ice Maiden but, with
Peter, I don’t want to be like that.’}

_{She stopped her
thoughts as she replaced the telephone and dreamily stared out the window. ‘Wonder
what he’s planning for Thursday.’  A smile crept around her lips as she leaned
back in her chair reminiscing before eventually forcing herself to resume work.}

_{Across town, unable
to believe his luck, Peter stared at the wall.}

_{On leaden feet,
Thursday eventually arrived and promptly at 7.30, Peter knocked on Jennifer’s
door.}

_{She swung it open as
if she had been waiting and Peter required all his self-control not to pounce. He
was sure he had said casual wear and he felt a complete fool when she appeared.
Her blouse was all frothy lace from which her neck rose in magnificent splendor
and she seemed to have poured herself into her jeans.}

_{As usual, he was a
complete fool and his opening remark, “It’s not fair,” made her ill at ease.}

_{“What’s not fair?” 
Her eyes narrowed in worry.}

_{“Jeans do more for
you than jeans ever do for me.”  Peter laughed at the surprise on Jennifer’s
face. “You look beautiful but then,” Peter tried hard to be gallant, “you
always do.”}

_{“You really are a
fool,” she giggled, smacking his arm lightly, but did not protest when Peter
led her by the hand to the BMW Mini Cooper at the curb. “At first I genuinely
believed I had misunderstood the message.”}

_{She was still talking
when Peter opened the driver’s door and handed her the key. “But Peter...”}

_{Peter merely put a
finger to her lips and walked around to get in the passenger’s seat. “No, the
message was right but to escort you I really should go home and change into
white tie and tails.”}

_{Ignoring his comments
Jennifer concentrated on adjusting her seating position. “You’ll have to direct
me. I don’t know Sydney at all. Where are we going?”  Behind the wheel,
negotiating the traffic and red lights, Jennifer was friendly and relaxed. She
was not the least nervous when Peter declined to tell her.}