Without Knowing (When You Wake Book 1) (7 page)

"Please what? Have mercy on you?" He stood much taller than I. Scooting backwards I was trapped between the edge and his unforgiving glare.

"Please, don't hurt me," my small voice was begging.

"I'm sorry, Evalynn. I cannot allow you to continue to defy me. You ran from your home. From us. From me. I cannot allow you to come back until you have been punished for your infractions."

"No, I'm begging you," I groveled at his feet knowing what he was capable of, what he was going to do to me. For a moment, I was terrified.

"You have been hiding from us here in this very unsafe forest with a boy, a boy who is not of our faith. Living in sin," he shuddered, shaking his head, eyes pinched shut.

"No, I have been out here alone, he was just trying to help me."

"You were to marry my son, Evalynn. What will he think of your adultery?"

"I love your son. That will never change."

"And you left him just as well. What game are you playing here?"

Pulling me up by my hair, I met his dark, soulless eyes. A swift swing brought me to my knees; tears bury my face in salty stains.

I peered at him through my rapidly blinking eyes, fearful of what he was doing with the belt he whipped through the loops of his pants. "Now, what do you have to say for yourself?"

Slowly, he wrapped the black leather belt around his right hand. My silence warranted a slap across the face. "What do you want me to say?" I coughed, blood spraying into my hands.

"Are you talking back to me?" He stood, the tightness in his jaw more pronounced. Holding the belt at his side, uncoiled from his fist.

I had no strength. I had been running for miles, my stomach empty, and my mouth dry.

I tried to understand everything that was happening, who this man was, why he was being so cruel to me. He was being so cruel.

"No, you wouldn't talk back to me, now would you?" He stroked my cheek still pained by his leathery fist.

I continued to watch from afar, I was stubborn. "I don't love you, I don't like you, and I would die before I come back," confidence erupted from a void in the pit of my stomach.

"Oh, that could be arranged." He reached for my hair once again dragging me to the edge of the cliff. The rocks scrapped against my bare legs, some stayed in place, and others rolled along with me. I wondered if they wanted my fate.

Exhaustion weakened me further. Nausea overwhelmed my senses.
APOLOGIZE!
I screamed. No one could hear me.

"Do you really think you can break the rules and turn your back on our faith and not have to atone for your disloyalty?”

"Is this about your rules, your faith, or loyalty? Make up your mind," I snapped.

His hand tightened in my hair and with one swift movement, he threw me to the ground. Clumps of hair twirled in his hand. Patches of my head felt the sting as blood dripped down my face. He said nothing as he lashed the belt buckle first, across my face.

"PSYCHO!" I yelled as the gut wrenching pain burned under my tears.

He continued to whip me listing my infractions. I curled into a ball - his list became repetitive. I held my head hoping to drown out the awful screams, but the awful screams were coming from me. I lost count after Seventy-Three.

"Ready to come back and apologize to your congregation for what you've done."

I lifted my head unraveling myself from my safety cocoon. Bent down in front of me, his disgusting sweat dripped on my legs. I stared into his eyes hoping to find something else. Something that wasn't so evil, a twinge of goodness. I didn't think it was too much to ask for, to find good in someone, but he didn't have an ounce of good in him.

Bloody spit launched from my mouth and onto his face. He stood over me long enough to even his balance for a powerful kick to my ribs. I couldn't feel my heart beating as it waited for a breath to fill my lungs again.

I only heard him undoing the button and fly to his trousers just before he straddled me, pinning my hands to my sides with his knees. I was locked in a shell unable to free us. The animals must have smelled the fear in the air; the blood was the large bell signaling dinner.

His heavy breathing brought the acidic bile from my chest to my mouth, burning my gums and tongue. He smiled as he slid one end of the belt through the buckle and pulled it over my head. He pulled tightly on the noose around my neck. I sucked in air, to no avail. 

"I'll teach you about power, Evalynn. You have none right now and I'm going to show how the rest of your life will be if you don't give into my power. Do you hear me!?" He hit me. I tried to talk, but I failed to make a sound.

A small relief from the slight release of the belt lasted two seconds before he jumped between my legs forcing them apart.

"Women who wear dresses shorter than their ankles are just begging for someone to intrude their very thing they are supposed to save for their husband," he said reaching between my legs. My struggle under his heavy weight only made it more painful for me.

"No," I managed.

"You were just begging me to take this from you." He ripped at my undergarment. His eyes widened as he felt the material in between his fingers.

"No," I managed again, struggling more.
NO!

"Women don't wear these clothes. You make men lose control of what's right." He caressed my bare skin there.

Suddenly, I’m freed. My air no longer constricted by his weight, I took in all I could. I hurried to my feet unable to stand straight. My head was fuzzy, but I still looked for the reason for my release.

Two figures fought towards the edge where he pulled me to safety, only to destroy me...break me. I watched as they entangled themselves; swinging, elbowing, kneeing. I found the ease of my savior’s ability to handle the man who attacked me practically effortless.

I stumbled three drinks too many towards their altercation. I needed to help my savior. He didn’t see how close he was. I fixated on them as a focal point, but darkness threatened to take me.

I could still see them struggling, but the deafening echoes of the bird calling for me silenced their words. The movement of their mouths slowed as the sound of the bird was replaced by static.

Another step and I felt the edge with my foot. My hands waved in the air attempting to find an invisible rope to pull me to safety. I found my savior’s face, tears forming in his wide eyes. I held onto the image of his hand reaching for me as I fell backwards off the edge.

"CALEB!" I yelled over the waterfall as it sprayed at me. The fall dragged me into slow motion. I blinked in and out lying on the floor in the middle of my elderly room.

I used my renewed control to push myself up from the ground. I sat up and crossed my legs. My heart calmed after heavy, long breaths. My eyes focused and the static coursing through my body settled.

Everything fumbled in my head wanting to play first string. I didn’t know how to comprehend, but there was no room for denial or avoidance anymore. There was certainty, I trusted what I saw, more than anything I was being told. And what that was telling me…
I didn’t fall from the gazebo
.

The things I had been seeing; in the clinic, downstairs by the door, the nightmares while Seth was here, the waterfall – they were all something. I just didn’t know how much of it I wanted to relive at the present moment. Even if he was keeping things from me, Caleb was trying to save me, and maybe that was one of the few things I wanted to think about.

I didn’t know if I was to ready replay…I held my throat. The pinch of his noose left a ghost imprint around my neck. Faith and congregation…his son? Love –– I did have someone…and how could I leave him behind with that monster? I wish I had more answers and instead I just had more questions.

“Eva?” Caleb knocked.

“Just a second.” I wiped away the tears created by the fear I felt over everything that I still didn’t know, everything that led up to that moment, and everything that followed.

Caleb knocked again, rushing my state of recovery. After a quick look over, I wiped my face and straightened my clothes.

“Come in,” I called out. I stayed put on the floor. My legs were an unnatural strength of jelly; I couldn’t walk even if I wanted to.

“Hey, are you okay?” He inched into my room and paused at the door.

I thought about how I should answer him. It had to be brief. The decision needed to be made with little hesitation. If Caleb saw any kind of distress, he would expect a detailed flow chart of every feeling and reason behind those feelings.

I could ask him point blank about the man with the belt. I could ask him about my fall and why he lied. I could ask him about the place I lived before here and why I ran away, though that was a little more obvious. I could ask him why I ran to him and why he just kept lying to me. I could ask him question after question, calling him out on everything I thought I knew.

I started wondering about the relief I felt at the sound of his voice and how I wished it was he that found me first. I could see how hard he fought for me, against that sick man. I saw his eyes when he knew he wasn’t going to reach me in time. He was willing to die for me and yet he hasn’t told me any of this.

Caleb has kept all of this from me and for what? He says he wasn’t there to protect me, but he did his best. He tried to save me. That man would have done…things…had Caleb not come when he did. I gladly would have taken another fall over the possibilities of what that man would have done. Why wouldn’t he tell me right away? I’m forever in his debt for saving me from a fate worse than my near death experience.

Chapter 7

Abbey

Caleb walked into my room, closing the door behind him. I gave him a little smile before his head exploded from the silence.

“Sure, just been a little crazy around here lately.” He sat next to me.

I chose to keep the…Pull - the ghost world I have no control in, the world I am merely a guest in, the world I’m pulled to randomly without my consent - to myself.

As grateful as I was that he tried to protect me, he was hiding a whole lot of shit from me. And until I knew why he wasn’t telling me the truth, I had to hide this from him. He already knew about the nightmares. That was enough and he hadn’t pushed to know more about them.

“I’m sure some memories have come back to you by now.” He was digging for something. He was going to push.
Now?

“Not really. A few things about my parents and school, but really not much else.” I played with my hands.

“Don’t let what Dr. Nyssa said get to you. You’re doing your best and everyone knows it.”

“She hates me, you know.” I peered up at him.

“She doesn’t hate you.” He shook his head.

“What would you call it?” I could still hear the stupid bird calling for me. “You were there.”

“Dr. Nyssa just thinks you’re a little selfish sometimes,” he spoke nonchalantly. “Like the way you’ve kept to yourself, haven’t bothered with getting to know anyone again.”

“And you agree with her.” His words stung a little.

“I think you have a lot on your plate right now.”

“That’s agreeing with her. And the first time I tried to talk to anyone, you snapped at me.”

Was I in some bizarro world? Had everyone forgot that I was flying blind here? I didn’t have a seeing-eye dog or even a cane to beat things into submission.

“I didn’t say I was agreeing with her. I already apologized for that.” He sighed.

“It’s what you’re not saying.” My hands tightened around each other.

“Hey, I’m not trying to argue. That’s not why I came up here.” He stared at the mantle above the fireplace.

“I really haven’t been paying very much attention to them.”

I noted that the pictures on the mantle were that of the staring faces that witnessed the scene downstairs. It was only now that the pictures I kept on my mantle made any sense. I spent nearly a month wondering who the happy people were in the frames. I wasn’t in a single picture with any of them, but boy was I supposed to know every one of them.

I hardly noticed when they were around. If it wasn’t for Bernard, I wouldn’t even know we had people waiting on us.

“You’ve had a lot to distract you.”

“To the point where I can’t look up and say hello?” I was wrapped up in myself and I didn’t like what was becoming of me.

“They understand.”

“They shouldn’t have to.”

“The party is continuing as planned. I do hope you don’t disappoint.”
Lay it on thick there, buddy.

“Even if I wanted to go, I haven’t nothing to wear.” Caleb stood up.

“You’ll find something.” He smiled leaving me to my confusion.

I didn’t want to be surrounded by strangers, even if they weren’t supposed to be strangers. I couldn’t help it if that’s what they were. I was uncomfortable enough in my own skin; I wanted nothing to do with human contact. It seemed to do me no good most of the time.

The feeling of the Pull into the forest lingered with me. I fought the disgust and shivered as I unwillingly replayed my near death experience. Unless I was dead and this was hell? Yes, that would explain Caroline.

The thought of a party saddened me. Caroline called me out in front of those people. I wasn’t expected to remember them and yet I felt like this. A lot of normality was being forced, a kind of normality that was routine, and I was tired of routine.

I had a feeling my latest encounter with the tall trees explained my anti-structure predicament. I was morbidly curious about my former accommodations. The fear I felt, and still felt, explained why I ran from it - and that man.

Even so, I wanted to know about that man, that man who tried to… A lump of coal lodged in my throat. I held my neck still able to feel his belt.

My breathing became shallow. The sitting thing wasn’t working for me. I could only replay the worst single memory anyone could have. I wasn’t ready to deal. As much as I preferred the ugly room to teatime with the strangers, I needed to make an appearance. I needed the distraction.

I gathered what little strength I had and walked into the closet. As large as it was, I rarely kept anything of use in the walk-in closet. Most of the clothes I wore stayed folded in the restroom.

I picked through the closet knowing I wouldn’t find anything, giving me another excuse to stay and wallow. Then
it
peeked out from the last of four racks at the back of the closet.
It
was a long red gown, and the shoes that matched sat on the carpeted floor just below it.

I pulled the gown down from its random place on the rack and held it in front of me. It was a darling thing, but I was a little angry to find it in here. I looked over the closet once before, taking the clothes I found appropriate, and never did this gown pop out, as it did today. It was unlike anything in my closet, a random piece in a collection of less than finer things. I looked at the gown closer. Even it was mediocre handmade almost.

I ignored further ridicule of the gown and quickly changed realizing the time was getting away from me. I turned to face the large mirror towards the front of the closet, a station with a stool, and lights bright enough to blind a person. The persecution continued.

The dress hung two sizes too big on me. The thick straps were loose making the neck and back dip. Lucky for me, it was still a modest dip. I didn’t think anyone would notice the way the dress was cut if I moved carefully. I tightened the ribbon around the waist, adding a lovely definition that didn’t disappoint me as other aspects had.

I fumbled through the drawers unable to find proper leggings. I threw on the red high heels and realized after two steps, I was grateful for the straps and height. My dress no longer dragged on the floor.

I was beginning to think these clothes were not made for me at all. I eyed the clock again and realized my hair would have to do in a ponytail and my make-up minimal; every drawer I pulled out lacked any shade resembling a girl with complexion.

I didn’t have anyone to impress. It was just a party with people I see every day. How dressy can it really be?

I headed downstairs and briefly stood at the bottom of the stairs. The few deep breaths I managed couldn’t convince me that everything was going to be fine.
Just a nice party for the staff and us.
Pep talk over.

I walked down the hall only slipping in my shoes twice. The slips were enough to lead me down a horrible imagery of future face plants.
Take it slow. Sway.
As I rounded the corner, the few people lingering in the halls were just a taste of what I didn’t want to expect. The word under dressed was putting it mildly.

As I entered the living room, I was taken aback. The ambiance was different, drafty. Champagne glasses were being handed out with caviar while the dinner menu suggested duck and several words I could not pronounce. I almost hoped the menu was written in another language.

A quick scan of the room couldn’t produce a familiar face. I reminded myself Caleb invited the entire staff; I must have misunderstood who was on the invite list.

The upscale stature of the room downgraded my place in this house. The piles of jewelry swinging from the women’s necks and wrists would have weighted me down. The men looked rather stiff in their cummerbunds and tuxedos. I itched all over for them. 

I was uncomfortable moving through the crowd, already two empty glasses of bubbly in hand. I wasn’t 21, but I didn’t see anyone taking the glasses from me. And there were plenty of people who could stop me.

I hovered near the food table where the crowd was thin. I scanned the room again with hopes of a glance of my tall British meal pal. I nearly choked on the piece of cucumber I was nibbling on as my eyes came to a halt on a woman wearing a red dress, similar to mine.

I followed the custom fitted dress down the slim torso, the fabric hugged her every curve. She was rather exquisite. Her tiny physique reminded me of a super model. It was either the high heels or the way she held herself in that dress that made me feel smaller.

The very attractive form turned toward me, her face disappointingly familiar.
Caroline.
  Her usual garb did her absolutely no justice. I was gawking and she caught me.

She made a b-line for me through the crowd. I reached for a sparkling glass perfectly placed to my right. Even her strut was belittling - and then she spoke.

“Isn’t this just sad.” I avoided her smugness by eying the crowd, but even when they smiled, they looked unhappy

“And I thought you had other plans.” My glass was empty.

“Well, Caleb insisted I come. It just wouldn’t be the same without me.” She stood too close to me to tell me that.

“You’re right, Caroline. What kind of party would it be if you weren’t here?” I grabbed another glass, emptying it and the raspberries accompanying the bubbly, into my mouth.

“If I had known you were going to play my understudy, I wouldn’t have played it so safe.” She laughed. She sipped her champagne, the pouty red lipstick still intact.

“Does any of this have to do with your eye candy being shipped away?” I smiled finding her need to push my buttons unsettling. She wasn’t on pins and needles anymore. She talked as if she had nothing to fear.

“Why would I care? I have Caleb.” Something had changed.
What changed you little…?

“Ladies, we are looking divine tonight.” Caleb held two more drinks between us.

“Thank you and I must say, the dress fits perfectly.” Caroline spun for Caleb.

“I’m glad you like it.” He smiled.

“If you’ll excuse me, I’d like to powder my nose.” I handed him back his glass, empty. I didn’t much care how I looked in the dress anymore. I hiked up my dress and moved back through the crowd towards the kitchen. I managed another drink and found a corner to sulk.

The elegance of the party was more than I expected. I wasn’t properly dressed and I didn’t feel at home. I never felt like this was my home and they didn’t feel like the people I knew. They didn’t seem open and caring and ready to mingle. I walked in the room and it wasn’t even like a celebration of my recovery.

I hid from the crowd of voices coming my way as the amount champagne caught up to me. I squeezed through the tiny opening between the French doors. I was on the other side of the front doors, standing on the front porch.

I looked around me and I was alone. “Ha!” I yelled at the door. I didn’t care that I wasn’t supposed to be out here.
Wait, I’m better.

I kicked off the heels one size too small and stepped down each step enjoying the cool breeze. The aching awakened the small limp I still had from where the uncomfortable boot used to sit. I hid it well most of the time, but I was always in pain.

I soaked in the air. It smelled of fall. The leaves blowing against the steps were changing with the seasons. Things looked different on this side of the door. In the back yard, it looked like summer every day. I suppose his gardener deserved most of the credit.

I walked in the courtyard admiring its beauty. From out here, it looked like a little village; each window was its own home with its own nosy neighbor. This was the type of village, where a person knew their neighbors. I, however, still knew nothing about the people I lived with.

The fountain marked its presence at the center of the courtyard. The dominant features of the woman made me laugh. My laughter echoed against the clay walls. I imagined our precious guests heading to the front door and they come upon a pair of breasts. I suppose to each their own. I hadn’t noticed the fountain before. I’m sure the statue would have stood out to me before.

I looked around again, my eyes falling heavily against their will. Everything looked different, even with my inebriated eyes; I knew this wasn’t the same front door when I was pulled to that first meeting with Caleb.

I blinked and landed on the unkind rug of the house. I hardly had a chance to freak out about the hand over my mouth or muscles pulling me backwards into the house.

“Are you stupid?” The door slammed behind Caleb.

His harshness took a minute to register.

“You had the entire grounds to go as you pleased and you chose to disobey my one fucking request by walking out the front door?”

I felt tiny, even in comparison to how I felt near Caroline tonight. The smallest I remember feeling in my life was at this moment.

“Stand UP!” he yelled. The glittery and itchy guests gathered near the stairway on the dining room side of the main entrance.

I stood on display; my chin pressed into my chest, my eyes at my feet, my wrist holding the other. I slumped the closer he stood.