Without a Doubt (32 page)

Emerson's had four beers, including the one I abandoned, by the time I finish dinner. He goes for a fifth when I stop him.

“No more,” I tell him quietly, not sure how he's going to react. “Get us both something else.”

His mouth parts, to argue, but he closes it and nods. We take a seat at the bar and begin to eat. Despite what he said, he devours his meal. We eat in silence. Before, it seemed natural for us not to speak while we ate. Now? It's a weight on my shoulders. When we're putting the dishes away, I finally break the quiet, my voice sounding too loud in his kitchen.

“I need to go to campus.” When he quickly glances at me, I hurry to add, “For clothes and my books.” He relaxes and nods. “I'll be quick,” I promise. He nods again.

I wish he would stop nodding.

EVA HASN'T BEEN gone fifteen minutes when there's a knock on the door. I don't want to answer it. I don't want to do much of anything, but I force myself to stand.

“What are you doing here?” I gruffly ask Glen.

He stuffs his hands into the kangaroo pocket of his hoodie. “Eva called and asked if I would come hang out until she could get back.”

“I don't need a fucking babysitter,” I snap.

He shrugs and walks past me. “I'm sorry.”

Sorry he's here? Sorry Eva didn't think she could leave me alone for thirty minutes? Or sorry because he knows Kelly's dead?

My stomach twists with the thought. I slam the door, the sound echoing around the room. “Did she tell you everything?” I ask as we take a seat on the couch.

“Enough that I know the gist. I'm sorry, man.” This time, I know he's talking about Kelly. There was a softer inflection in his voice while he pinned his sad gaze on me.

I don't say anything. We sit there in silence as my grief morphs into anger. Maybe it's because Eva's not here or because she made Glen come over, but the words spew from my mouth. “I hate her.” I'm so full of anger, I don't know what to do. I've never been this furious. “All this time, she was dying. Dying without me there with her. I should have been there, Glen. She had no right to choose this for me.” There's too much energy buzzing in me, so I stand and start pacing.

“What the hell was she thinking? I loved her!” I shout. “She was my best friend and she wouldn't even let me be there for her. All this time I was upset over her, dating other girls and then falling in love with Eva, I should have been with Kelly! This is fucked up! The only reason I'm with Eva is because Kelly was dying. How in the hell am I supposed to accept that?” My chest heaves with my hard breathing, my fists clenched by my side.

“By remembering why she did it,” a soft voice interrupts.

I spin around to see Eva standing in the doorway. Her face is pale and guilt is already coming at me full force. I'm tired of feeling. It's all I've done today and now, I've upset Eva, the very last person I want to upset. I want to scream or punch something, but all my anger drains away when Eva closes the door and walks down the hallway.

Shit.

“Are you sure you want her staying the night?” Glen asks, bringing my attention back to him.

A heavy sigh deflates my chest. “Yeah. I need her,” I answer quietly, my eyes looking down the empty hallway.

“Do you really love her?” When I nod, he says, “Then keep that in mind while you're going through this.” He stands. “I'm going to go.” He pats me on the shoulder before he leaves.

I lock the door behind him. Eva is already in bed, her eyes closed when I enter. It's still a bit early, maybe half past eight. Regardless, I change and get ready for bed as well. I crawl in next to her, wanting to pull her against me, but I hold back. All I can smell is her perfume. If I were standing, it would knock me to my knees.

Staring at the ceiling, I listen to the pattern of her breathing to see if she's really asleep or not. Usually, it's slow and measured. Right now, it's a bit too slow and measured as if she's trying to control it.

“I'm sorry,” I say.

Five pounding heartbeats later, “It's okay.”

“No, it's not,” I begin.

“Emerson,
it's okay
,” she repeats with more force before gentling her tone. “You don't need to take care of me right now. I'm fine.”

“Are you sure?” What I said had to affect her. I know Eva well enough to know it did. I'm not sure how much she heard, but I know she definitely heard my last two sentences.

She closes the distance between us, cuddling into my side. “I'm sure.”

“Good because I'm not fine,” I admit.

“I know.”

“I'm glad you're here, Eva.” I wasn't lying to Glen. I need her. Without her, I would be utterly lost. As it is, I'm clinging on to threads, threads Eva's holding.

“Don't forget it.”

I still can't believe what Kelly did. Emotions all across the board are roaring within me, battling for dominance. Any time I feel rage, I do like Eva said and try to remember why she did it. She wanted me to be happy.

“Would you have done the same thing?” I ask.

Eva seems to take too long to think about it. “No,” she finally says. “I'm too selfish and needy. I would want you there and I don't think I could do it without you. But that doesn't mean she was completely wrong. Her intentions were good.” Before I can speak, she does again. “I'm sorry she took that time from you. I'm sorry I'm selfish enough to be happy she made that decision. I'm sorry the only reason you're falling in love with me is because of that decision.” Eva groans. “I'm sorry I never know when to shut up. I don't know how to help, and I want to help you, Emerson.”

I hold her tighter to me. My energy is running out by the second and I only have enough strength to do so. Exhaustion is holding my body down. My head feels so full and heavy, I don't know how I'm still awake. Various emotions are still rolling over me. I'm feeling too much all at once, but I definitely know guilt is prominent.

“Don't go anywhere,” I tell her softly. Things would be three times as bad if she wasn't here with me. I would be drowning instead of wading in water, occasionally getting so tired I go under before pulling myself back above the surface.

“I won't,” she promises.

For the first time since this morning, I relax. Eva lips are warm as she presses them against my chest. Part of me wants a real kiss with the instant calm and the reassurance of her desire for me that comes with it. I want something normal to happen today.

“Eva.” When I don't add anything else, she lifts her head. I cup her cheek, lean forward, and meet her mouth. Eva hesitates before kissing me back. My muscles begin to lose their tension, but all it does is make me realize how utterly exhausted I am. I kiss her once more before pulling away. Eva's watching me and I hate that she's analyzing possible motives behind the kiss. “Thank you for being here.”

She nods and rests her head on my chest. I lean my head onto my pillow, immediately falling asleep.

Eva's been with me all the time, unless I'm at work or in class. Life is dull, numb, and I'm dreading the funeral. The only glimpse of brightness, of any positive emotions, is when I look at Eva. She's been quiet though. We both have. For her to be with me so much, I sure do miss her. I burn with a bit of guilt over it, but I try not to. This is what Kelly wanted, right? For me to be happy?

I need Eva to be Eva for me to be happy. Not this quiet, tip-toe-around-Emerson shit. But then, if I'm not acting myself either, it's no wonder she's reacting as she is. I sigh, the long, loud exhale adding to the tension in my truck. My hand tightens on the steering wheel, the leather now warm underneath my palm.

Eva scoots over, rests a hand on my knee, and squeezes. I automatically switch hands to hold hers. “Are you going to hold my hand the entire time?” she asks.

“Probably,” I answer, unsure of where she's going with this.

“Try not to break it then.”

I glance over in confusion as she lifts our hands. Her fingertips are already turning red. “Damn it. I'm sorry.” I didn't realize I was holding on so hard. My grip forcefully lessens.

“It's okay. You've been doing it since we found out and my hand was starting to hurt more.”

“I'm sorry,” I repeat, trying not to sigh again. I keep hurting her, either with my silence or my words, and now apparently physically.

Eva shrugs. “You can massage them for me later.” The corners of my mouth tip upward. And then fall as she continues, “Are you going to be okay today?”

No. Yes. Somewhat. “Yeah. As long as you stay close by.”

She smiles, holding up our hands. “I don't think you're going to let me get very far.”

I can't help it. I laugh. It feels odd, kind of like when you find a picture of yourself you didn't know existed. You study it for a moment before the memories come and you realize where you where, how you felt, and who could have taken the picture. The oddness gives way to familiarity.

We're close, about twenty minutes out, and with each mile, there's a growing pressure on my chest. Selfishly, I wish I didn't have to come. I wish I didn't want to, so I wouldn't have to deal with it. Not dealing with issues never solves anything though. I need to be here today. For Kelly, for her parents, for myself.

We don't speak again until we arrive at the funeral home. I get out and turn to help Eva out. Her black dress rides up from where I grabbed her hips. She's wearing black heels, black stockings, and her black dress that falls to her knees and sleeves to her elbows. All of the black makes her blue eyes stand out that much more. Even for a funeral, she looks beautiful.

I smooth it down for her, muttering, “I hate these places.”

“You've had someone close to you die before?” she asks in that nosey Eva way of hers I've missed.

I nod. “My grandparents. You haven't?”

She shakes her head. “No. This is my first funeral.”

Well, that explains why she told me had no clue how to help. Even not knowing, she's managed to do everything I need her to do for me. I want to kiss her forehead, whisper how much I love her, but this isn't the time nor place. Instead, I take her hand, shut my door, and say, “Let's go.”

The parking lot is full, overwhelmingly so. There are a few small groups of people standing outside. There are friends from high school, people I don't recognize, and Kelly's uncles, aunts, and cousins milling around. They all seem to notice us at the same time. From this point on, we're going through the motions. People shake my hand or hug me, and apologize for my loss. It's as if Kelly and I never broke up, as if Eva isn't standing next to me.

Introducing her is pointless because they've moved on by the time I can get a word in. We eventually make it inside where more people are seemingly waiting to bombard us. Eva taps my hand and squeezes. I was holding on too hard again. I loosen my grip and I'm able to give her an apologetic smile before someone else comes up to me.

When we walk into the room where the wake is being held, my eyes are glued to the dark wooden casket. At least it's a closed casket. For the moment, the world narrows to only Eva and me. Kelly's parents are standing next to the casket, speaking to those occupying their attention. I gulp, feeling a little lightheaded.

“Let's sit down for a moment,” Eva suggests quietly, tugging on my hand. There are all of five chairs in the room, all sitting against three of the four walls. Eva leads me to an empty one in the corner, farthest away from everyone. I sit down while she perches on the armrest next to me, resting an arm around my shoulders.