With Me (12 page)

I watch as her face grows confused, “But, I didn’t order Internet,” she says, looking at me, obviously irritated. Her hands are on her hips as she narrows her eyes, most likely already figuring out what I’m doing.

I’ve seen her do it with Josephina to silently scold her. Although it might work with our little girl, it isn’t going to work with me. That expression doesn’t scare me. It only makes me smile seeing how cute it makes her look. She looks like a fierce little pixy fairy planning my demise.

Holding my chuckle in, I tell her, “I know. I did. I want to be able to chat with Josephina through
FaceTime
when I go back to San Diego and I can’t do that if you don’t have Wi-Fi,” I inform her, still standing my ground. “I called and made an appointment to have it set up.”

Still holding her stance, she looks doubtfully at me, then down at Josephina who has made her way over to our side. Right as Kasey is about to say something, Josephina quickly speaks up by asking. “What is
FaceTime
?” her curious little mind taking over as she studies the technician awaiting orders. From the look on her face, I can see the little gears in her head coming up with all kinds of justifications.

Crouching down so I’m eye level with Josephina, I explain, “I’ll show you what it is if your mommy lets this man install the Internet,” I tell her, earning me a grumble from Kasey. I know exactly what I’m doing and I’m pretty sure it’s going to work.

Josephina’s eyes light up as she looks up to Kasey. “Please mommy?” her pleading blue eyes begging her as she tugs at her arm. Her lip is now pouting, making me chuckle when I also look at her.

She looks torn as she looks between Josephina and me. “Joseph, I don’t have a computer or device that requires it and I can’t afford the Internet. It would just be an extra bill for something I won’t use,” she argues.

Standing up to speak with her, I take a deep breath. “Kasey, you don’t have to worry about paying for it. I made sure to put the bill in my name. They have my credit card information on file so I’ll get the bill directly. You don’t have to worry about anything,” I inform her, my eyes now pleading with her. She looks back up at me and I quickly add, “I already thought about the other things you mentioned and I’ve come prepared,” I say holding up the large bag I have in my hand.

Her lips go flat and she looks skeptical. I know I’m close to bringing her walls down, so I continue trying Josephina’s approach and simply beg. “Please? It would really mean a lot to me to be able to chat with Josephina every day,” I say pouting my lips for good measure, which only earns me another grumble.

I see her sigh as she shakes her head at me while smiling. “Fine, you win.” She accepts her defeat as she looks back down at Josephina giving her a nod, making Josephina jump up as she pumps her fist in the air. Kasey and I both laugh at her reaction.

Looking over to the technician, she asks him, “What do you need from me?”

Turning my attention over to the technician, I see him smiling with satisfaction.

“I need to know where your cable outlets are, ma’am,” he tells her.

She looks at me doubtfully, before rolling her eyes, as she begins to walk towards the living area.

The technician takes one look at me before saying, “Good way to break her down man,” he says pointing his chin at an eager looking Josephina standing next to him, waiting for him to make his next move. He walks away as she follows him, curious to see what he’s going to do. He looks down at her following him and chuckles.

Yeah, I know I played dirty to make her cave, but I would do anything possible to keep in touch with them. Going straight to the couch I start pulling out the new iPad mini I bought for Josephina and a MacBook Pro for Kasey. I lay them out on the coffee table, since the X-box I had purchased the other day is still in the bag. I’ll set it up for them in a couple of minutes. Josephina has soon returned to my side, curious at all the new gadgets I’ve brought. I quickly begin explaining how to use the iPad mini to her and within minutes, she’s maneuvering her way within the apps with an excited smile on her face.

Half an hour later the technician is leaving and I’ve already set up everything for them to start playing with their new toys, including the X-box, to the small flat screen that Kasey has.

Kasey makes her way back to the couch with me; her eyes go wide in amazement because of the things I’ve brought with me. “What is all this?” she confusedly asks, taking in all the objects.

“Just some presents I bought for you,” I casually say.

She takes her lip in between her teeth as she continues to take everything in. “Joseph, I’ve already told you, I don’t feel comfortable accepting these expensive gifts from you.” She conveys her discomfort by looking down at the laptop like it’s going to bite her any minute. Josephina is already playing a game from one of the apps on her new mini, and from the excited squeal she makes, I know she’s passed the level.

Kasey is still hesitantly standing to my side, glancing down at everything, then at me. “Kasey, please. I don’t care how much money I spent on them. All that matters is how much we’re all going to benefit from them. I know you said you didn’t need a laptop, but I didn’t like the idea of you not having one of your own for your business. I’ve already set up the software you need to help you manage your expenses and it comes with a video tutorial in case you need it. I have an iPad, as well as an iPhone like you. So I'll be able to
FaceTime
with you girls every day. That way I won’t feel left out with Josephina,” I explain. She’s still looking at me with uncertainly, so I continue. “Kasey, please? I might not be able to be here physically, but if I can at least see her on a screen, I wouldn’t feel so guilty about being two thousand miles away,” I declare, the resentfulness of knowing it will only be through a screen is clear in my voice.

Seeing her quickly sigh makes me smile because I know I’ve won. I like winning in these kinds of situations with Kasey. They might not be huge victories, but they’re big enough to make me feel better about leaving; even if just a little.

“Okay, but at least let me pay you back for the laptop. I can’t pay you for the full amount today, but I can send it to you in installments,” she sternly demands, but I only chuckle as I shake my head at her.

She’s about to argue, but I cut her off with a stern, “No,” as I hold my hand up to stop her from speaking.

I watch her grow irritated, but I only ignore her as I reach for her hand to force her to sit on the couch. She doesn’t protest, but does grumble as she pulls the laptop towards her. With a smile I turn my focus on Josephina, acting as if I’m concentrating only on her, but in the corner of my eye I’m still watching Kasey.

Her once tense body now relaxes, and she proceeds to explore the features on the laptop. I can see her eyebrows drawn down in concentration, making me smile knowing it’s another victory to add to the list.

An hour later after I’ve showed both of them how to use the
FaceTime
feature and seeing the smile of Josephina’s excited face when we test it, proves every penny I spent was worth it.

We play with their new toys for another hour and Kasey decides to cook lunch when Josephina voices her hunger. After we’ve eaten, Kasey and I play the X-box with Josephina for another hour. I take in their smiles and laughter, trying to absorb them deep into my memory; knowing it will be a while until I physically see both of them in person. The thought hurts more than I expected it to.

We spend the rest of the day together. We take a walk around town as Josephina shows me all her favorite places to explore, followed by eating dinner and ice cream for dessert. The day couldn’t have gone better, but on the way back to Kasey’s I see Josephina starting to get tired, her eyes growing droopy as she rubs at them. I can tell she’s desperately trying to fight off falling asleep and I know why. It’s the same reason why I don’t want the day to end. It’s the last night I get to spend with them.

Upon arriving, I ask Kasey to allow me to put Josephina to bed. I selfishly want to be the last person she sees before she goes to bed tonight, but it’s more so I can keep the memory for myself as well.

I sit with Josephina holding her tightly in my arms. The dreaded conversation I was trying hard to delay comes up as her eyes grow glassy looking back at me. “Do you really have to leave tomorrow, daddy?” she asks, a tear escaping her eye. I wipe it away with my thumb, feeling just as torn as she looks.

I can’t answer around the lump that’s formed in my throat. The only thing I can do is nod my head. Hearing her call me daddy melts my heart. It’s still new to my ears, but it’s the sweetest name she can call me. She only started calling me
daddy
this afternoon on our walk. When she said it for the first time, it shocked us both, but it was soon followed by a giggle; making us all smile. Deep down inside I felt like crying the moment I heard her say it. It only made each passing hour unbearable, knowing I was going to leave.

I continue hugging her against my chest, wanting to hold her close to me. My heart refusing to acknowledge that I’m soon going to leave.

“When will I see you again, daddy?”

I pull her away to look at her. “I’ll try to come back in a couple of months, princess. If I can’t come then, I’ll be here for Christmas for sure. I’m not going to miss my first Christmas with you,” I tell her almost at a whisper. The thought of knowing how many holidays I’ve missed with her makes me more determined to be here.

Her lips start to tremble. Her eyes quickly tear up and my heart shatters seeing her this way. I cradle her head in my palms, trying to calm her from crying. She wraps her arms around my neck as she tugs me tighter and I return her embrace, holding her against my chest, refusing to loosen my hold. I’ve only just found this little girl. A little girl who is a part of me and I have to leave her. I hate it.

Fighting the pain I feel in my chest, I brush her hair away from her face so I can better look at her. “We’ll be able to talk every day, no matter what. I might not be able to hold you like I’m doing right now, but we’ll be able to see each other. You’ll be able to tell me about your day and I’ll tell you about mine. We’ll talk every night. I’ll make sure of it,” I whisper to her.

She nods her little head in understanding. “I love you, daddy, and I’ll miss you so much,” she whispers back to me, the pain of hearing the words piercing my heart.

Pulling her back to continue comforting her, I say, “I love you, too, princess. Don’t you
ever
forget that,” as I fight back my tears.

She eventually falls asleep in my arms, and although I don’t want to let her go, I do. I tuck her in under the covers, kissing her one last time on her temple, savoring the feeling of her soft head against my lips. The pain is tearing at my heart. I fight to keep myself from crying as I stand up, taking one last glance down at her as I walk away.

I make my way over to Kasey’s workstation where I see her pouring a new batch of scented liquid into molds. The aroma is taking over, as I get closer to her. She hears me approaching and looks up at me, her face looking sympathetic, but goes back to her pouring. I stand at the workbench. My arms stretch down onto the wooden table as I watch her concentrating on how much to pour into each container, her eyes narrowing down to make sure it reaches the precise amount. She finishes pouring the last of the batch, placing the pot into a giant sink near the wall, and washes her hands before coming over to my side. Slightly turning my body to look at her, I see her wringing her hands in her apron, looking nervous and skittish.

“Did she take it okay?” she quietly asks me. I was barely able to hear her question. It had come out more of a shaky whisper than a question.

I nod my head. “I think so. I don’t know who it’s going to hurt more that I’m leaving. I hate knowing I have to leave you again, but I have to do it,” I explain, feeling the need to plead my case. “I felt guilty doing it the first time and it feels worse having to do it again,” I guiltily say, dropping my head down to look at the floor.

I feel her place her hand on my shoulder, drawing my eyes to look at her. “Joseph, you leaving the first time wasn’t your fault. We both knew you were leaving the next morning and I made the decision to give myself to you that night. We were young and yes, we should have been more responsible and used protection. You couldn’t have known that I was pregnant when you left. I don’t blame you for leaving. I never did, but I don’t regret the outcome. I got the most precious gift that I could have ever asked for from it. I was blessed with Josephina.”

I listen to her words. Absorbing them, I still feeling guilty for leaving her the first time. No matter what she says, it won’t ever change how I feel about that night. As I’m about to respond to her words, I feel my phone vibrate in my back pocket. I don’t need to look at the screen to know who it is, but I’m not going to pull the phone out in front of Kasey. Ignoring the vibration, I hug Kasey one last time and tell her I’ll text her tomorrow, so they both know I made it back safely.

We say our goodbyes and then I’m in Mark’s car driving away from Kasey’s building. I still feel like shit as I drive further away. Kasey may not blame me for leaving her the first time, or this time around, but it doesn’t matter. I still feel so much guilt. Leaving both of them for the second time is tearing me apart. I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but I have to. All I can do now is find a way to make it up to them.