Witch Glitch: Magic and Mayhem Book Two (2 page)

"But of course," he replied with an innocent look that probably worked on most people except me.

"But I would have to call you Dad," I pondered aloud.

"That's the deal."

I considered it. I'm ashamed to say I really did.

"I'm not there yet, Naked Dude—I mean Dude. As much as it pains me to say no to the bag—and it does pain me, I'm just not ready to take that step."

"I understand," he said as he lovingly tucked some of my wild red locks that mirrored his behind my ear. "I'll just get the bag and keep it in my closet until you're ready."

"That's unacceptable, not to mention blackmail," I said as I slapped his hand away and tried to bite back my giggle. "You totally suck."

"I know." He gave me a lopsided grin and transported to Milan in a cloud of silver smoke.

"What a dick," I mumbled to no one since I was finally alone.

My year had been an interesting one. I'd spent nine months in the magic pokey for killing my cat who miraculously rose from the dead and turned out to be my father. To be fair to me, it had been an accident. When I heard the first crunch I'd freaked out so much that I hit reverse and drive simultaneously a few times before I got out of my car and screamed bloody murder. I buried him in a new Prada shoebox and left the super soft shoe bags inside as a blanket and a pillow. After Naked Dude's resurrection, he'd complimented me on his cozy coffin.

Of course, it didn't matter to Baba Yaga, the most powerful and horrendously dressed witch in existence, that it had been an accident or that my cat slash dad had actually lived. I had to serve time in the pokey with a heinous cellmate, Sassy the Violent Witch from Hell. Not that she enjoyed that moniker so much, but annoying her even a fraction as much as she had me helped pass the time.

After my release, I found out I had an aunt who had left me her house—a dead aunt I never knew. My mission ended up being avenging her, taking over her job as the Shifter Whisper and maintaining the magical balance in Assjacket, West Virginia. I had no clue what Sassy's mission had ended up being, I was just delighted to be rid of her.

It hurt like a motherfucker to heal the random wounds of all the idiot Shifters in town, but secretly I kind of liked my new job—not the pain—the job. I'd never stayed anywhere very long and had few friends to show for it. Sassy did not count. Belonging somewhere was new to me and it felt nice. However, I refused to get used to it. I was a survivor and had gone most of my life as a loner. Less messy that way.

The best thing about Assjacket was Mac. The redonkulously hot wolf Shifter who mistakenly thought I was his mate.

Speaking of hot asses, broad shoulders and outstanding lip locking, I had a lunch date with the werewolf this afternoon.

Maybe today wouldn't turn out as badly as it had begun.

Chapter 2

"How do I look?" I asked Naked Dude as I twirled around in my rockin' Alice and Olivia mini dress with my hot pink combat boots and cashmere shrug.

"Nice, I suppose," he replied cautiously.

Naked Dude was never one to hold back an opinion and his reticence pissed me off. He'd been back from Milan for an hour and it took everything I had not to ransack his closet for the Prada bag.

"Suppose?" I asked with narrowed eyes as green sparks began fly from my fingertips.

"It's not the outfit." He sighed dramatically and backed away from the impending fireworks. "It's the company you're keeping."

"I thought you approved of Mac."

"He's tolerable for a werewolf, but it would be wonderful if you'd meet a nice stable warlock and settle down, have a few witch babies and make me a grandwarlock," he explained as he handed me a fork and a bowl of raw cookie dough to snack on.

"This is exactly why I can't call you Dad," I informed him with a mouthful. "You're delusional. There is no such thing as a nice stable warlock. You are the most stable warlock I've ever met and you're certifiable."

"Thank you… I think."

"It wasn't a compliment, Na… Dudio. And let me just add that I am no prize."

"Of course you are," he interrupted. "You're beautiful, smart, powerful, compassionate, kind, and you're a wonderful eater."

"Have you been living here?" I shouted. "Sure I might be hot and powerful. Sure I can eat like a horse, but I am
not
kind or compassionate. I have never maintained any sort of relationship in my entire life. At least Mac still likes me. Plus his ass is outstanding."

My father heaved a huge sigh and pilfered some of the pre-lunch cookie dough. I considered stabbing his hand with my fork but that seemed like a little much. I settled for flicking some dough at his forehead.

"Zelda, you sell yourself short," he said as he absently wiped the goop away and licked it from his fingers.

"Oh my Goddess, you just put my spit in your mouth." I shuddered and scrunched my face in disgust.

"Not following you," Dude said in confusion.

"You ate the dough off of your face."

"Yes. And?"

"It came from the fork—which by the way was a weird utensil to hand me to eat dough—that had been in my mouth. Therefore, it stands to reason that some of my saliva was on the fork and most likely the dough that you just ate," I explained.

"So?"

"So you just swallowed my spit. That's gross."

"Zelda, I missed your entire growing up. I never changed your diaper, got spit up on or vomited on by you. I think I'm due a little spit here and there," he said with a wink and a shrug.

I was silent as I shoved more cookie dough in my mouth and wondered why I felt like crying. Naked Dude sat silently and watched. In my weirdly magnanimous mood I offered him some dough off my saliva fork and he gratefully accepted. I watched his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed the raw sugar and spit. Dropping my head into my hands I groaned.

"You're not playing fair. All that stuff about poop and pee and puke is kind of beautifully horrifying," I mumbled through my fingers.

"I'm good that way," Dude said with a gentle smile. "I missed a lot. I can't make up for not being there for you. I also can't say I want to slurp spit on a regular basis, but I would die for you. I fell in love with you the very first day you found me in the dumpster."

"You were kind of hard to avoid," I said as I remembered trying like hell to keep walking past the pitiful mewing on that fated day.

For some unknown reason I stopped and peeked. He was the most mangy and stinky little furball of a cat I'd ever seen. I was repulsed by him, but shockingly it didn't stop me from saving his feline ass. Of course I regretted it daily for the whole two years since. He'd followed me around like a deranged shadow and drove me nuts, but now at least it made more sense why.

I suppose I'd seen something of myself in the odiferous dumpster diver. Both of us were starved for affection and totally alone.

Introspection though was not my forte so I shoved that profound little nugget to the recesses of my brain. This getting to know you crap was becoming messy. I didn't do messy. However, there were some things I wanted to know.

"Did you love my mom?" I asked.

It was a question I'd always pondered. My mom was not very lovable. I loved her—kind of. It was more of a perfunctory thing. All creatures were supposed to love their mothers. However, if the mother didn't love the creature back it became an exercise in futility and a need for therapy as an adult.

Naked Dude put his elbows on the table and put his chin on his palms as he clearly fought for a way to tell me he didn't love her. The thought depressed me, but I had expected no less.

"I thought I did," he said quietly. "I didn't know her very well when we started seeing each other."

"You mean screwing each other," I supplied. No time or need to mince words here.

"Well… um, yes. That would be one way to put it."

"So you did her and left?"

"Not exactly," he hedged. "I honestly didn't know her name the first several times."

I gaped in horror. "You're a total man whore."

"
Was
," he corrected. "I
was
a total man whore. Now I'm simply a warlock who misses licking his balls."

I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose. The visual he'd just conjured up threatened the contents of my stomach. When he'd been my cat he had an unhealthy obsession with cleaning his nut sack. Clearly it was still an issue.

"All right, let's get back on track here," I muttered. "You nailed her a few times. She got pregnant and you left?"

"Nope."

"Enlighten me," I snapped. As much as I wanted to keep the past in the past, I needed to know.

"Apparently I wasn't the only one
nailing
her. I left when I found out I was one of many," he supplied with a shrug.

"How many?"

"You really want to know?" he asked with a grimace.

"Do I?"

"I'd say no."

"Oh fuck, now I have to know. Let me guess. Tell me if I'm hot or cold," I said. "Four."

"Frigid."

"Eight?"

"Very cold."

"Holy shit… um, twelve?"

"Shivering."

"Motherfucker—pun intended. Twenty five?"

"Cool-ish"

He was correct. I really didn't want to know, but I'd come this far. I wasn't a quitter. And apparently neither was my mother.

"Is it an odd or even number?" I asked needing to narrow the field a little. I was truly on the verge of getting sick.

"It's an odd number ending in five and is ten higher than your last guess," Dude said ending the game before I projectile hurled on him.

"Wait," I said as the circus in my stomach went ballistic. "How do I know you're actually my sperm donor? It could be one of thirty-five," I choked out.

This was not fair. This guy had found me and told me he was my dad. Told me he loved me. And as much as I had no intention of admitting it, he was growing on me. My head spun and my vision narrowed.

"Look at me," Dude demanded as I gulped for air. "Now."

I glanced up from my panic attack and saw a mirror image of myself. It was certainly hard to deny I was his by looks.

My heart slowly stopped hammering in my chest and my breathing returned to normal. I was his. I didn't want to deal with the fact of how happy that made me so I settled for a small smile and a nod.

"You are from a very powerful line of witches. Only our line has red hair and can heal," he said as he took my shaking hand firmly in his. "Our responsibility to our race and others is rather large and somewhat overwhelming. You should have been trained since the time you were a child, but I didn't know. I didn't know you were out there."

"Wait. You're a healer too?" I asked.

"Yes, but the witches in our line are far more powerful than the warlocks."

"So I could kick your ass?" I asked as a smirk pulled at my lips.

"Yes. Yes you could."

Naked Dude chuckled and pulled me close. It felt nice so I let him. Getting used to this sappy shit was dangerous. However, living on the edge was another one of my mottos.

"Are you going to train me?"

"My sister, your Aunt Hildy, would have been so much better, but yes—I will have to suffice."

"I'm not a very good student," I admitted as I disengaged myself and dove back into the cookie dough before I asked him if I could cuddle up on his lap.

"You'll be fine. You've already proven your heart by selflessly healing and defending the Shifters. Controlling the magic is what you need to work on. You have the potential to blow up the continental USA."

My stomach lurched. No one needed that much power and a loose cannon like me had no business possessing that kind of magic. Whatever. It was what it was.

"I should probably change my name to Walking Time Bomb," I mused as I picked the chocolate chips out of the batter. I knew I should stop stuffing my face. I was going to lunch with Mac, but eating kept me from revealing too much of myself to Naked Dude.

"You are no such thing," he chided. "That title belongs to your mother."

"Here's something I don't understand—at your age and with your level of magic, I'm not clear how she was able to put a spell on you. You are one powerful mother humper," I told him.

"Literally or figuratively?" he inquired with a raised eyebrow.

It took me a moment, but when I got it I grinned like an idiot. "Both, I suppose."

Naked Dude considered his answer. His knee bounced and I could literally feel him wracking his brain to come up with an answer that would satisfy me.