Witch Glitch: Magic and Mayhem Book Two
Read Witch Glitch: Magic and Mayhem Book Two Online
Authors: Robyn Peterman
Tags: #Romance, #Paranormal, #fantasy
Witch Glitch
Book 2 of the Magic and Mayhem Series
by
Robyn Peterman
Edition License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be resold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should delete it from your device and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the author's work.
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is coincidental.
This book contains content that may not be suitable for young readers 17 and under.
Copyright 2015 by Robyn Peterman
Cover by
Rebecca Poole, dreams2media
Edited by
Meg Weglarz, megedits.com
Acknowledgements
Thank you to so many. Writing may be solitary, but it takes a hell of a lot of people to help finalize the finished product!
Donna McDonald, I would be toast without you. You are my friend, Mystery Science Theatre partner and so much more.
Thank you. Rebecca Poole you are a cover guru and I don't want to do a book without you!
Meg Weglarz, your editing rocks!
My beta readers, Melissa, Donna, Susan and Wanda, you are the BOMB! My Pimpettes are my backbone and I am humbled by your support.
My family makes everything worth it and I adore you!
And my readers... I would be nothing without you.
Dedication
For Fat Bastard, Boba Fett and Jango Fett. You guys made my life happier. Forgive me for exaggerating your girth (except for Fat Bastard).
I miss you and hope your Next Adventure is as amazing as the time you spent with me.
Chapter 1
"What in the hell does that asswaffle think he's doing?" I snapped as I narrowed my eyes at the scene unfolding on the beautiful front lawn of my newly inherited house.
Crawling up onto the window seat I pressed my face against the glass to make sure I was seeing things correctly. Unfortunately, I was.
Chuck, the ginormous bear Shifter, had concocted a noose and was trying to hang himself in a large tree. This was not going to happen in my yard. Dead stuff smelled horrific and I had an over active gag reflex, as did most witches I knew.
Opening the widow with a pissed off blast of magic, I leaned out and prepared to zap his idiot ass. As the newly minted town Shifter Whisperer—or Shifter Wanker as I liked to refer to my job title—I wasn't about to heal a self-inflicted broken neck.
"Chuck, what in the Goddess's name do you think you're doing?" I shouted as he fell off the ladder he was standing on and plopped ungracefully to the ground with a thud.
"Well, I was trying to hang myself until you scared the bejesus out of me," he explained logically as if what he was doing was even remotely logical.
"Well okay, but you're going to have to take your freak show to someone else's tree. I have a lot of shit to do today and watching you die is not on my list."
"But I have to do it here," he informed me as he ambled up to the porch.
"I am about to ask a question I have no desire to know the answer to—but
why
?"
Shifters were the weirdest species ever. I had always thought witches were nuts. We had nothing on the Shifters.
"I can't tell you," he mumbled into his shoulder.
He was a beautiful and kind man and I liked him, which annoyed me. I was getting far too attached to the oddballs in Assjacket, West Virginia. I had chosen to stay after I had paid my penance to the Witch Council, but if these dorks were going to pull stunts like hanging themselves in my trees, I was out of here.
"I call bullshit," I snapped. "You can't just off yourself in someone's Silver Oak and not tell them why. It's rude."
"I'm sorry, Zelda," he apologized as he rocked back and forth in embarrassment. "If I could tell you I would, but I can't break the rules. I could end up naked and wedged in a time warp with elevator music."
"You lost me," I said as I reconsidered zapping his ass just for making my brain work too hard at 8 AM.
"It's no big deal. I can try again another time when you're out shopping. I'll just be on my way," he said with a smile.
I really wanted to shut the window and pretend I hadn't just seen the dumbass try to end his life, but my newly found conscience wasn't on the same page.
Biting down hard on my tongue, I attempted to keep my words from flying out of my mouth—no fucking go. Apparently speak first and think later was my new motto. Damn it.
"Chuck, um…emotions and being nice are not really my thing, but I'm feeling kind of wonky here. Are you depressed? Can I heal that?" I asked as mentally slapped myself for caring.
"Actually, I'm not down at all," he replied with a shrug and a happy little grunt. "I'm quite content, but thank you for your concern."
"Ooookay then, you should probably take the ladder and rope with you," I mumbled not quite sure what was socially acceptable to say in a situation like this.
"Can I just leave them here for next time?"
"Um, no. You can't."
"Alrighty," he said as he gathered up his death tools and loaded them into his truck. "Oh and by the way, when I do bite it, I'd like you to have my truck."
"Really?" I squealed with excitement and then purposely banged my head against the windowsill. It was a kickass truck, but I'd rather win it in a poker game than inherit it due to his demise.
"Absolutely not," I hissed to cover my wildly inappropriate reaction. "You are not going to die. I will kill you if you do."
"Would you?" he asked hopefully.
"Would I what?" I rolled my eyes in exasperation.
"Kill me?"
"Holy shitballs, I wasn't serious," I shouted. "I'm the freakin' Shifter Wanker. It’s my job to heal you furry jackasses, not kill you."
"Right," he said with a nod and a grin. "My bad."
"I should say so," I muttered.
"Do you still need me to fix the refrigerator?" he asked.
"Um… yeah unless your going to lock yourself in it and freeze to death."
He chuckled and slapped his knee. "Nope, too big for that. I'll come back later today and fix it up like new."
"And you'll leave the death tools at home?" I asked warily.
"Will do," he said with a wave and drove away.
I closed the window and flopped down on the cushy couch. This day was going to be a long one. I could feel it in my bones.
"Zelda?" a loud masculine voice boomed from the kitchen. "Do you want French toast or pancakes?"
I heaved a put upon sigh and stood up. "French toast would be a nice change, Naked Dude. But where are all the groceries coming from? Are you using bad credit cards again?"
"I really wish you would just call me Dad," Naked Dude said as he stuck his head out from the kitchen. "I'm not naked you know."
He was correct. He wasn't naked. However, he
was
buck-ass naked when I made his acquaintance only a few weeks before. It had been traumatic and repulsive. No one should have to see their father's nads. Ever. Not to mention he'd been my cat for the past two years.
As the story goes, he never knew about me. When he found out he had a daughter he tried to contact me, but my not so motherly mother had put a spell on him that turned him into a mangy cat. That mangy cat had become my familiar, much to my disgust. The spell could only be broken if he gained my love.
Of course it took him almost dying for me to admit I loved him. Now we were trying to get to know each other. It was challenging and somewhat amazing, not that I would admit that to him. I'd always thought he didn't want me—at least that's what my mother had told me. The relief I felt when I learned he never knew about me was so absurd I ignored it. I wasn't real good at maintaining relationships, but I was going to try.
"Look, I could drop the Naked and just call you Dude. Would that help?" I bargained.
His grin was infectious and his sparkling green eyes matched my own. "It's a start."
"I could call you Fabio. That
is
your name," I added as I sat down and dug in. I'd broach the bad credit card issue after my stomach was full.
"I'd really like you to try Dad," he said as he added two more pieces of French toast to my plate.
Thank the Goddess witches had crazy fast metabolism or I'd be the size of a house. Eating was my favorite hobby next to shopping and Naked Dude could cook.
"And I'd really like the Prada bag that isn't out yet," I shot back.
"Not a problem," Naked Dude slash Fabio slash Dad said with a sly grin on his ridiculously handsome face.
My dad, for lack of a better word, liked to buy slash steal me designer duds and accessories. This was a bad thing. I knew it was a bad thing. It was a terrible, bad, illegal thing. However, his logic that he also used his questionable credit cards to give tens of thousands to charity made me feel a little better about keeping my dubious booty.
"You can do that?" I asked as I poured an obscene amount of syrup on the mountain of French toast.
"I can transport to Milan, buy the bag and be back in an hour or two," he told me as he took the sugary goo from my hands before I could drain the bottle.
"
Buy
being the operative word."
