Wishful Thinking (24 page)

“Of course, we argued,” Christian closed his eyes at the shameful memories. “We argued like characters from the worst kind of soap opera imaginable for hour upon hour, all that day and into the night. I know I shouldn’t make excuses, but I hadn’t slept for the previous three nights because of it all and I wasn’t at my most rational.

“She said she never intended to go through with the termination, just kept hoping that at the eleventh hour I’d call her and tell her I’d changed my mind. I wish to God I had now! But when she told me it was all a sham…I just lost it.” There were tears in Christian’s eyes at the painful recollection and it took a while before he could finish.

“I pushed her. She came at me, hitting me, calling me all sorts of names, and I pushed her away. Only I must have pushed her too hard and she lost her balance and fell. There was a short staircase - five or six steps leading down to the kitchen - and she lost her footing and just went flying backwards.”

“Oh dear God!” Jess gasped, her hands clapped to her mouth.

“She lost the baby as a direct result of the fall.” Christian got up and went into the bathroom and Jess could hear him splashing water on his face. His expression, when he returned, told Jess there was still more of this sad story to relate. “I was sick with self-loathing. I would have done anything to put things right – to change what happened. She said I’d ruined her life and she’d never be able to forgive me. But then she insisted that we should try again for another baby immediately. I couldn’t understand how she could bear to look at me, much less…you know. It was the last thing I wanted too, but I felt so monumentally guilty. I’d taken away from her the one thing that she wanted. If I could turn back time and change one thing only in my life – then that would be it. As it was, I tried to do the next best thing. But even that failed.

“We started to make wedding plans, and a couple of months later, she found she was pregnant again. She had her heart set on a Christmas wedding – the baby was due in February. But after a few weeks she miscarried. The doctors told her it was some complication of the first miscarriage – some tissue left behind in the uterus or something that became infected - I think was how they explained it. Again, I wasn’t there at the time. But I did find out afterwards that further pregnancies would most likely end the same way.”

Jess rose and pulled her robe around her before going to sit in one of the small armchairs. She was shivering, though the room was not cold. Christian continued to sit on the bed, his hands clasped together around his knees. He rested his chin on them and continued speaking – his eyes by now very far away.

“Seeing what she went through was too much for me. I knew I couldn’t ever give her what she wanted and I knew I couldn’t go through it again. She was right to say I’d destroyed her life. Two dead babies and they were both my fault. I was a murderer.”

Jess wanted to go and comfort him, but felt too numb to move. A part of her was also too appalled to do so. “So how did you separate and still manage to remain friends?” she asked instead.

“It took me a good deal of counselling to actually find the courage to leave her. It seemed to compound the crime to me. But she’d always turned to Adam for support and I noticed they seemed to be getting closer. I just had to stand by and watch it happen. Adam had always been in love with her, but when she first joined us, he was involved with someone else. When that ended, he was a free agent. So I drifted away and Adam drifted closer.”

“But she went on to lose more babies?”

Christian nodded sadly. “Two more miscarriages. The doctors told her not to try for any more – wanted to sterilize her for her own safety and sanity, but she refused – though evidently she told Adam otherwise. She thinks that if she wants it badly enough, it will come to her eventually.”

“So what happened between them?” Jess stood up and returned to the bed but only to perch on the end of it. She didn’t feel she could handle being too close to Christian at the moment as her pity for Amber and her lost babies was still too raw.

He shrugged, looking very despondent. “Adam told me he begged her to terminate it the moment he heard the news this time. He said he couldn’t go through it all again – and who can blame him? He also believed it couldn’t be his because he’d had a vasectomy to try to prevent exactly that from happening again. When he told her, she came up with this crazy idea of saying it wasn’t his.

“The thing is, Amber is also trying to turn back time. She looks for signs in everything and when Adam told her about the vasectomy, she suddenly had this idea that if we could go back to where we were before the first miscarriage, then somehow the outcome could be made different. She thinks I owe her that – and a part of me knows she’s right – which is why I’ve always found it so difficult to deny her anything. She even told Adam the baby is mine, but that’s a blatant lie. It’s definitely Adam’s - she told me that in L.A.”

“What a mess,” Jess said. “Poor Amber.”

Christian looked at her in surprise. “What about
poor Adam?
He’s the one
I
feel sorry for in this.”

“Of course you would, having been through that yourself. But Amber must be so desperate. She’s just clutching at straws like a drowning person. If she doesn’t cling on to the belief that one of those straws can help her, what else does she have? The craving for a child can drive women to do incredible things.”

He gazed at her in a kind of dazed wonder. “You know, Jess, your compassion amazes me. But then you
are
amazing – which is why I love you. But…”

Jess gave an exaggerated sigh. “There you go again with those buts. The moment you say something nice, you have to go and spoil it with that wretched little word!”

“I was only going to ask you if you hated me,” he told her with a sad small smile on his face.

“No, Christian. I don’t hate you – that would be impossible. I don’t think you’re a monster, though I don’t think you’ve behaved well either. You’ve been cowardly and selfish and that’s not good for anyone.” She pursed her lips together and looked at him unhappily, tapping her foot on the side of the bed in nervous contemplation of her next words. “I thought better of you, but I can perfectly understand why you did what you did. You need to go now, though. I can hear people stirring. We’ll talk again when we get back to London.”

And now as she peeled and chopped the vegetables – all locally sourced of course – their conversation replayed in her head and she had to ask herself how much Christian’s terrible story had affected her feelings about him. She wasn’t as strong a person as she would like to be and she needed Christian to compensate for that, so discovering his weakness disappointed her. However, her greater fear was that his relationship with Amber was so far from over that it would prevent him enjoying a proper relationship with anyone else. He’d almost admitted as much. To have to constantly deal with this white elephant that was Amber Rayne permanently in their midst was something she doubted she could endure.

The window above the low, white apron sink where Jess was working overlooked a part of the sweeping drive leading up to the house and a car entering and drawing around towards the front door drew Jess’s attention. It was a silver Rolls Royce and Jess instinctively knew who would be inside. She became paralysed on the spot, wanting to run away and hide but unable to move. A minute later Amber whirled into the room, her long fake fur coat swirling and slinking around her like a clowder of protective, snow white cats.

She stepped into the kitchen in her Gucci stiletto boots as if she knew the way well; indeed marching ahead of Kate as if she owned the place. But her surprise was considerable when she saw Jess and she halted in her tracks, causing Kate to cannon into her furry back.

“You!” Amber stared at Jess aghast. “What are
you
doing here?”

Her rudeness and her contemptuous tone galvanised Jess into action. She put down the carrot and the knife she had been using to tame it into the resemblance of a traditional vegetable and looked Amber up and down.

“The same as you, I should imagine. Visiting.”

“Visiting who?
Adam?
” Amber turned on Kate. “He
is
here then, I take it?”

“Not exactly, or you’d be able to see him,” Kate retorted, taking her cue from Jess. She quickly relented though and added, “He’s out at the moment, looking for otters.”

“In the
fog
?” Amber demanded. “It will play havoc with his throat. What the hell is he thinking of? And what does he want otters for anyway? Surely you’re not planning to cook them, though God knows, that wouldn’t surprise me.”

“It’s nice to see you too, Amber. Do come in and make yourself at home,” Kate muttered.

“
Adam’s
home,” Amber pointed out irrelevantly before turning on Jess, her eyes ablaze. “So why exactly are
you
here? Not pestering Adam about your little book, I hope? Oh god, you are, aren’t you? You’re a proper little snoop, Jane, aren’t you?”

“It’s Jess.”

“Whatever,” Amber said with a dismissive flutter of her fingers, before turning again to Kate. “Is there anyone you can send out to let Adam know I’m here? I want to get back to London before dark as I have a show to rehearse tomorrow and I haven’t seen half my costumes or the laser cage yet.”

Kate rolled her eyes and tossed a conspiratorial glance towards Jess. “Sorry, Amber, all the servants are otherwise occupied. Would you like a cup of tea while you wait?”

“Only if you have Tie Guan Yin – that’s Oolong, you know.”

“Of course,” Kate said, rolling her eyes and moving towards Jess to reach for the teapot. “She’ll have bloody Typhoo like the rest of us,” she muttered under her breath but just loud enough for Jess to hear. “Bet if I make it weak enough, she won’t even know the difference.”

Jess bit her lip to prevent her smile from showing and turned back to the sink and the curious, misshapen little carrots she was trying to make look like the real thing.

“So, I hear you were in L.A. – you must have just come back in fact – how was that for you?” Kate asked with forced brightness.

“Just a flying visit. I had to see my designer, that’s all.”

“Yes, we saw. Oh I think yesterday’s paper is still in that rack over there,” Kate said indicating a wire tray in the corner stuffed with junk mail and newspapers for recycling. She winked at Jess as Amber released a gasp and rushed over to the rack.

“Oh my god! Has Adam seen this?” she demanded.

Kate shrugged nonchalantly. “I doubt it. He doesn’t read that particular tabloid. He probably saw it in one of the other papers though. But then you know what they say about yesterday’s news.” She swished a tea bag around in the teapot for a few seconds until the water was barely discoloured, before pouring out a cup and carrying it over to Amber who was busily scanning the paper.

Jess transferred the anaemic, wizened-looking carrots into a pan of water and placed this next to the greens she had cleaned and chopped earlier while Kate put the prepared potatoes and parsnips in the oven to roast then glanced at her as if to say –
what now?

“Did it take you long to get used to an Aga, Kate? They look terribly complicated to me,” Jess asked loudly and politely.

Kate tossed her a grateful look and launched into a detailed though nonsensical history and animated demonstration of the Aga, repeatedly opening and closing little oven doors and moving pans around until the sound of voices and stamping feet could be heard outside and the utility room door was flung open.

“I think I’ll make myself scarce,” Jess whispered.

“Are you kidding?” Kate asked out of the corner of her mouth. “Stay and watch the fun. I wouldn’t miss this for the world!”

Amber had jumped up from her seat in anticipation but when Christian walked into the kitchen first, it was clear his was not the face she expected to see. She stared at him aghast, only dragging her eyes away from him when Adam entered next. Amber’s eyes slid from one to the other. She opened her mouth to speak but then closed it again. The children came tumbling into the room in noisy confusion and Jess actually saw Amber wince.

“I’ll take the children upstairs. Shall I check on Daisy?” Jess whispered to Kate, who nodded and looked slightly sheepish as Jess gratefully escaped from the embarrassing scene.

21

After Christian had overcome his reservations and gone out with ‘the menfolk’ as Greg had laughingly referred to them – and which had made the three young boys stand inches taller in pride – he had gradually begun to enjoy himself, despite the intense cold. He’d had to borrow one of Greg’s outdoor coats and been grateful for it as they trekked across the frozen, misty countryside.

The fog nestled close to the ground in patches and then seemed to give way to sudden islands of sparkling clarity. The boys said the clouds had dropped out of the sky and jumped up and down on each patch of mist they encountered, as if hoping to find a cotton wool pillow underfoot. Their excitement was infectious and the three men laughed at them and encouraged their exuberance, pointing out the next shroud of mist and claiming this was the one that would lift them off the ground and skywards. Although never completely convinced, the boys threw their energies into exploring each patch of frozen air with unflagging enthusiasm.