Wishful Thinking (23 page)

I shouldn’t do this. I won’t do this, she told herself, but her body seemed incapable of following through her resolve as he placed her on the bed and continued to rain kisses down on her, all over her, before lying down beside her and continuing his delicious, gentle worship. Her mind said no, but she was beyond speech and her body very clearly had other ideas. She took his head in her hands and drew him back up so that their lips could communicate in that language far sweeter and more intimate than words.

19

He’d been disappointed when he saw her slip away and resolved to finish his impromptu session with Adam soon, so that he could talk to her before she slept. They
would
talk tonight, he was determined. They would stay awake all night, if necessary, until he had explained everything to her complete satisfaction; until there wasn’t a single secret or misunderstanding left between them; until he had succeeded in making her understand just how much she meant to him.

In that instant when she had walked away from him at the window, he’d seen how vulnerable she was and experienced a moment of absolute clarity. Adam was right. Jess was not the sort of person to treat lightly. She was nothing like the type of girls he had come across in the past, both before and since Amber - girls who knew exactly what they wanted and were determined to get it at any cost; girls who could take care of themselves in all situations – and generally did; girls who put themselves first and were not afraid to admit it. Those girls, for the most part, were uncomplicated and occasionally shallow, whereas Jess was complex, serious and harboured hidden depths.

Jess deserved honesty and respect and if he couldn’t give her that, then he should expect nothing from her in return. His mother had said something similar. “Don’t treat her lightly, Christian. If you can’t be totally honest with her, then be kind to her and leave her alone to get on with her own life.” But how could he give up the most wonderful thing that had ever happened to him? He would tell her the truth and let her decide – and showing her he loved her was part of that truth she had to know.

After he’d finished on the phone, he’d seen her with Adam again coming out of the boys’ bedroom. Why Adam had been in there was still something of a mystery. It occurred to him that Adam might be trying to move in on Jess and that thought almost incensed him. Was that what Adam meant by his threat? It was only the fact that Kate had been there as well that enabled him to control himself and say nothing.

If Adam’s interest in Jess was genuine, then he could hardly blame him. As far as Adam knew, Jess was a free agent and after Amber’s treatment of him, he supposed Adam was too. He wasn’t yet aware how strong Christian’s feelings for Jess were, otherwise Christian knew he wouldn’t attempt to muscle in. Adam wouldn’t use Jess as a pawn in a revenge game. He needed to let Adam – and not just him – know how serious he was about Jess. Then he would back off and hopefully Amber would do the same.

Christian had watched Jess constantly throughout dinner and his heart seemed to expand with love and longing – a deeply sensual combination he had never felt so intensely before and which was so acute he felt it almost as a pain in his chest. As long as he could keep her near him, he could cope with it, but whenever she left, the vacuum that remained was almost intolerable.

He’d enjoyed the session with Adam – it had been like old times and he felt real enthusiasm for the new song ideas and a rekindling of interest in Wishful that he hadn’t felt in years. He thought back to the days when they would sit creating music together all day long – sometimes with Justin, sometimes with other band members joining them. The ideas bounced between them and the adrenalin flowed. Hours would pass like minutes and someone would look out of the window and point out that it was dark, when it felt like only lunchtime. And then the music seemed to dry up and though no one articulated it, everyone felt the interest drain away.

It was like the words of that old song ‘American Pie’ -
the day the music died
– only it didn’t happen in a day. Their music died a slower death. They carried on producing it for a while but they realised - or at least, he and Adam did - that it wasn’t the music that had dried up but their belief in it. Wishful had taken them too far away from their own ideals. But tonight he’d felt that old buzz again; experienced the thrill of feeling that they could be back on track, back to their roots and both doing what they liked best.

He knew he’d reached a crossroads in life and he couldn’t decide which way to turn as far as his career went. He’d tried the movies and wasn’t sure the constant travel, the hassle and the brittle egos all around him were quite the environment he wanted. He’d enjoyed the experience of the small roles he’d been given – supporting roles only, but decent ones and quite significant. He had no real aspirations to pursue an acting career and try for bigger billing. If he hadn’t quite realised that before, then he had tonight. He had lived enough of his life in the public spotlight and was ready for a quieter and more creative life – as long as it involved Jess, because only Jess could fill that aching vacuum inside him.

He envied what Adam had, or perhaps it was what Greg and Kate had, because even without Adam they would have pursued this kind of lifestyle. Adam just made it possible for them to do it in comfort. It seemed to him to be idyllic and he saw that Jess thought so too. That she didn’t yearn for the showy trappings and glitz of public life. She was looking for something deeper and more meaningful. Could he have needed further confirmation that they were right for each other?

So he followed her upstairs as soon as he could and knocked on her door to talk to her. But when she answered, all bundled up in towels and fragrant from her shower, some rather more primitive instinct took over and all he could think of was making love to her. He wanted her with an intensity that no amount of will power could deny and which was further fuelled by her own urgency. Not a single word was necessary between them as their bodies united in a love that was more genuine and profound than anything he’d known before or dared believe existed.

Sated and unutterably contented, they lay in each other’s arms and he watched her struggling not to drift off to sleep as he simply gazed at her, drinking in her loveliness. He was the one who was supposed to fall asleep but he couldn’t waste a precious moment of her intoxicating presence.

“Come on, sleepy-head, we need to get your hair dry. You shouldn’t go to bed with wet hair,” he told her and she sat at his feet as he rubbed it thoroughly and then took her hairbrush and let it slip through her still-damp curls. He had never brushed a girl’s hair before and found it immensely sensuous, enjoying the activity as much as Jess did as the brush slid through her limp, silken curls.

Later they made exquisite love again and slept in each other’s arms. When he awoke he saw her hair was dry and those honey-coloured tresses fanned out across the pillow, glinting like spun gold. Again he marvelled at her in sleep; wondering where her dreams had taken her as her long lashes swept her cheeks making her look mysterious, secretive and even more alluring. A slight smile curved around her lips, which he badly wanted to kiss and when she finally opened her eyes, the smile broadened.

“I was jealous of your dream,” he whispered, reaching down to bestow light kisses on her eyes. “You looked like you were enjoying it too much and I felt left out.”

“You were there with me,” she murmured.

“That’s where I want to be, always,” he said, his kisses moving down to the tip of her nose. “I love you, Jess. Please believe that. I love you and only you and I want nothing else in the world more than to spend the rest of my life with you.” He meant every word.

She drew her head away from him slightly so that she could look into his eyes. “It sounds like there’s a ‘but’ coming,” she said tentatively.

He propped himself up on one elbow so that could meet her gaze and show her he had nothing more to hide. There is something I have to tell you – about Amber. Adam is right – I haven’t been entirely truthful with you but I’m so afraid that when you hear it, I’ll lose you. And although I don’t know how I’ll bear that, I’ll have to respect your decision and let you go, if that’s your choice.”

20

A white mist still clung to the ground but the weak January sunlight was doing its best to burn it off when the three men and little three boys left the house on their otter hunt. Jess had decided to remain behind to help Kate prepare the lunch, for which she had insisted they all stay. It was mainly because of Ben’s pleading that she had relented.

“I’ll stay behind and help as well,” Christian had said to her but she had declined his offer.

“No, you go out. Ben will feel let down if one of us isn’t there to share it with him,” she had said. It was probably untrue as Ben seemed perfectly happy with his new best friend and by now completely at ease with Adam and Greg. The truth was she needed space to think and some mindless chores to occupy her hands. Besides, it was unthinkable to leave all the work to Kate, despite the latter’s insistence that she could manage perfectly well on her own.

As Jess started on the vegetables, one of Kate’s neighbours called in briefly to see her and Jess felt thankful to be spared the need to make small talk and busied herself with her chores and her thoughts. And what a mess of conflicting thoughts she had to sort through.

It had been a magical night and their lovemaking had been nothing short of wonderful. He had made her feel adored as never before and his combination of tenderness and passion was beyond anything she could ever have dreamed of – even better, as impossible as it seemed, than before he had gone away. When he told her he loved her, she truly believed him at last and her heart felt full to spilling over with happiness in its most concentrated form.

Then once again Amber came between them. The moment he mentioned her name, she felt her heart sinking and that new found joy ebbing away as if someone had pulled the plug in the core of her being and allowed all that peace and contentment to drain away. The hollowness left behind was huge and troubling. It also hurt – or threatened to hurt.

He spoke slowly and deliberately, not wanting to spare himself the pain of remembrance perhaps, or wanting to ensure she heard every word of his horrible confession and understood its import.

“When Amber first joined Wishful, I think most of the boys fancied their chances with her a little bit. We were all so young and seeing who could score first was one of those immature games we played. And she was such a flirt that it was hard to say if she was genuinely interested in any of us. She was what they used to call a bit of a tease. She gave off all the wrong vibes and didn’t seem to know how to tone down her behaviour – a bit like a manic depressive. No-one took her very seriously, until one day she took an overdose and I happened to be the one who found her. It wasn’t a serious suicide bid – none of her attempts ever were – but it scared me. It also gave me a new insight into her.

“I spent the weekend with her and we talked day and night and – well, that’s how we became lovers. I don’t think either of us intended it but it happened and the press got wind of it and before we knew it we were bigger than Romeo and Juliet. We let it carry us away – let ourselves believe the media hype – let them plan our dream wedding for us, without actually giving it any proper thought ourselves.”

Jess listened, thinking this was pretty much what she had surmised from her research and it hardly, therefore, came as a shock. They were young and thoughtless and wrapped up in the moment. It wasn’t an attractive side to Christian, but it was hardly a crime.

“We were living a lie and we knew it, because it was good for the band. We weren’t even faithful to each other, though we managed to keep our affairs a secret. But then Amber discovered she was pregnant and suddenly everything changed and we had to re-appraise our situation. The problem was, I couldn’t even be sure it was mine, though of course she insisted it was.

“She wanted to get married there and then. She suddenly became very conventional. Because of what happened to her, she wanted her baby brought up properly by two parents. Being so carried away with what
she
wanted, she was just incapable of seeing it through
my
eyes. The uncertainty just ate away at me. I went through hell. This is going to sound terrible to you, but I told her that if she terminated the pregnancy, I would marry her and we could have a baby that I could be sure was mine.”

Jess bit her lip as she listened. For once she could sympathise with Amber’s plight. It was a horrible decision for a woman who evidently wanted a baby very badly. The need for the baby might seem more important than the need to know its biological father. Yet she could understand Christian’s side of it too and did not consider him unreasonable. But another nagging doubt also bothered her. She wondered if Christian’s aversion to another man’s child might extend to Ben.

“She cried about it a lot,” he went on. “It was a cruel and horrible thing I was asking, but she eventually agreed with me. She checked herself into a clinic and everything seemed to go as planned. I couldn’t be with her, but got there as soon as I could afterwards. Then she told me that, at the last minute, she decided not to go through with it and discharged herself.