Wired for Love (19 page)

In-Laws as Thirds

For most couples, in-laws come with the relationship. Initially, these are parents-in-law and siblings-in-law, but later on they may include daughters-in-law and sons-in-law. The examples I’ve provided here are of the former type; however, the principle is the same for both.

Letting the Wrong One In

Suzanne and Klaus, both in their thirties, have two young children. Suzanne is very close to her father, now widowed. In the first years of marriage, Klaus admired his father-in-law and sought out his company. They had long discussions about politics, a subject of interest to both. However, this relationship soured when Klaus and Suzanne’s second child was a toddler, and Suzanne started calling on her father for babysitting help so she could go back to work part time at the job she’d quit before the child’s birth. Soon the couple found themselves continually interacting with and about a third wheel in their relationship.

In fact, the problem here isn’t actually the third wheel. It isn’t Suzanne’s father himself. To be very clear about this: thirds—whether people or things—usually start off as neutral to all parties. If they become negative, it’s generally because one partner marginalizes the other, making him or her take on the role of third wheel in some way. There are exceptions, to be sure, such as nasty habits, addictions, and affiliations with horrible people, that start off and remain bad to the sidelined partner. But understand that most outside people and things become positive or negative depending on how partners relate to that third. If one partner’s position in the couple bubble is demoted or downgraded as a result of the third’s intrusion, you can be sure that third person or thing will become hated.

When Klaus realized Suzanne was sharing private matters with her father that she did not share first with him, he became angry and upset. They argued frequently, and Klaus grew increasingly hostile toward his father-in-law’s role in their family.

Their conversations sounded something like this:

“I don’t want him coming over tonight,” Klaus says when Suzanne announces she has invited her father for dinner. “In fact, I don’t really want him here at all anymore.”

“He’s my dad,” she asserts. “Plus he’s done a lot for this family. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t be able to work, which is something you support. Remember? Besides, what horrible thing has he ever done to you?”

“I’ve told you,” Klaus growls. “He disapproves of everything I do. Especially anything involving you.”

Suzanne crosses her arms, preparing for the fight she knows is coming. “Daddy likes you, but of course he loves me.” She pauses. “You have to admit, I haven’t been happy the last six months.”

Klaus bristles. “You mean happy with
me
?”

“With you, yes.”

“So you’re unhappy
because of me
?” he repeats.

“I’d be happier if you’d be more of a father to your children.”

Klaus glares at his wife. “My relationship with the kids is just fine, thank you.”

“Then why do they always want grandpa?” she counters. “They run to him for hugs—”

“I can’t believe you’re comparing me with your dad, saying he’s a better father than I am!”

“Just saying.”

“Like he was a stellar father to you, right?” Klaus rages. “Everything you told me about him never being around, being abusive to your mom and you, drinking too much—you call that good fathering? I’ve never screamed at the kids.”

“But you’re not around a lot of the time, are you? Work comes before family with you.”

Klaus’s voice drops. “You know, I don’t feel much like your husband right now. It kills me that you’d rather have your dad here than me.”

Suzanne frowns. “No, I want you here. You know that. I just want you to be civil to my dad. If you can’t do it for him, can you at least do it for me and the kids?”

“Does that work both ways?” Klaus demands. “What will you do when he starts criticizing me in front of our kids? Or wants to tell me how to relate to my own family? What then?”

Suzanne stands up, signaling an end to the conversation. “You want to be the man of the house, you deal with him. And don’t threaten me,” she says, heading off to prepare dinner.

As you can see, Suzanne is furious with Klaus. She resents his focus on work, which in her mind leaves him free from the burdens of household chores and child rearing. Although her father was a poor parent, he has redeemed himself and become the father she always wanted. Instead of finding an effective way to include her father in her relationship with Klaus, she has let her father in while chasing Klaus out. Ultimately, because of Suzanne’s poor handling of thirds, Klaus despises her father and resents his own children. At the same time, Klaus’s poor handling of thirds has led Suzanne to despise both his work and his colleagues.

Letting the Right One In

Perry and Landa, another couple in their thirties with two children, regularly have family over for dinner. This week, Perry’s family is coming for Friday night supper. The guests include Perry’s mother and father, and his sister, her husband, and their young child. Perry’s mother and sister have had a rocky history with Landa since before the couple’s wedding. Neither Landa nor Perry approves of the sister’s parenting style, and both dread spending time with her when the child is present.

However, over the past few years, Perry and Landa have worked out a strategy for dealing with family get-togethers. They have learned to plan ahead and discuss what might be difficult, and what they’ll do if that problem arises. They agree to stick together as a team, protecting their couple bubble and maintaining an “us and them” stance. They make escape plans if either needs to leave the room or end the evening earlier than expected. They agree to make frequent eye contact as a means of checking in, to look at each other while they include others in their conversations, and to devise other cues to communicate with one another without making their guests uncomfortable. Neither is afraid to use a well-timed whisper to communicate a private message without appearing rude.

It’s show time as Perry’s mother and father arrive early. The children greet their grandparents with glee, then retreat into their rooms. As her mother-in-law joins Landa in the kitchen, Perry checks Landa’s eyes for signs that she is alright and he isn’t needed. Perry takes his father into the living room, where they drink and talk business. Moments later his sister arrives with her husband and son. Again, the children greet everyone and invite their cousin into their room. The sister joins Landa and her mother-in-law in the kitchen, and her husband joins the men in the living room. Again, Landa and Perry use eye contact to check for signs of distress. Aside from an eye-widening glance with which Landa conveys that this isn’t her favorite social situation, she gives him the all clear sign.

After several moments, Perry hears his mother’s voice become louder and her tone shriller. He gets up and checks on Landa in the kitchen. This time she gives a more sustained cue that she is tiring of both women. He goes up to her, makes her stop what she’s doing, throws his arms around her, and says to her quietly how lucky he is to have her. He can feel her relax in his arms. She kisses him, and he starts to engage the other two women.

“How about we go into the living room? We can all talk together there,” he says, ushering his mother and sister out and leaving Landa to finish dinner preparations.

On the sofa, Perry finds himself flanked by his mother and sister, with his father catty-corner on the loveseat and his brother-in-law standing by the fireplace. When Landa enters, cocktail in hand, she notices this arrangement. Perry immediately gets up and asks his father to move to the sofa so he and Landa can have the loveseat. Landa and Perry’s strategy for maintaining their couple bubble is to control where they sit, especially in situations where others use seating to split them up. They do the same at the dinner table so they can use one another for comfort and support.

While Perry is sensitive to Landa’s need for comfort and support, she is equally aware of his need for the same. Perry’s sister often gets the better of him, and Landa helps minimize the stress he feels when conversing with his sister. She knows the cues that signal Perry’s distress, such as a tendency to talk too fast and increased complaints about tension in his neck.

When the get-together is over, Perry and Landa congratulate one another for a job well done, as they gossip through kitchen clean-up. They are pleased with their ability to host dinners with their in-laws without causing fights between the two of them, and without causing distress to their guests. Because they do this so smoothly, neither ever feels like a third wheel.

Children as Thirds

Often couples who poorly manage thirds of one type do just as poorly with thirds of another type. How to include their children in their relationship is a particularly critical question for couples.

Out in the Cold

Suzanne and Klaus’s children are Brian, age nine, and Tammy, age six. Now that both children are in school, Suzanne is able to work part time without the need to frequently call on her father for babysitting. Because of Klaus’s work schedule, he is less involved with the child care than she is.

Typically, Klaus arrives home late and wants to see the kids before doing anything else. He feels he spends too little time with them as it is, and wants to be playful whenever possible. This irritates Suzanne, who not only wants the kids to wind down at night, but resents that she doesn’t get the same greeting and attention from them as Klaus does when he comes home. This latter complaint she keeps to herself.

Klaus plays with both Tammy and Brian, then retreats to his and Suzanne’s bedroom to do some last minute work on his laptop, leaving her to deal with the now hyped-up kids. One night, his laptop comfortably on his lap as he stretches out on the bed, Klaus hears sharp vocal tones interrupting the lilting music coming through his earbuds. As the voices become disturbingly shrill, he realizes Suzanna is arguing with Tammy. Reluctantly leaving the bed, he tracks the voices down the stairs and into the living room.

“Turn off that TV!” Suzanne is yelling, mustering all the authority she can. “I gave you a five-minute warning, and you just ignored it. The TV goes off
now
!”

“Why?” Tammy wails. “Daddy, tell her to stop!”

“What’s going on?” Klaus asks Suzanne.

“I told her five minutes, and the TV had be off so she can get ready for bed. I’m tired of this same battle every night! It’s already past bedtime.”

“I’m not tired!” Tammy screams. “And she didn’t say five minutes.”

“She didn’t,” Brian chimes in. “Tammy’s right.”

“It’s not fair!” Tammy’s voice continues to escalate as she makes her case to Klaus.

“Maybe they didn’t hear the warning,” Klaus says calmly to Suzanne.

Suzanne’s eyes widen and her nostrils flare. “What?” she says in disbelief.

“‘Maybe they didn’t hear you’ is all I said.” Klaus looks with disdain as Suzanne gestures wildly. “Hey, calm down.”

“Okay, you handle it!” Suzanne snaps. “You put them to bed tonight!”

Klaus watches helplessly as his wife grabs her purse and car keys and flies out the door. In that instant, she might be the one leaving, but both partners feel they’ve lost the battle. Each has left the other out in the cold. At a time when they should be a unified parenting force in the eyes of their children—the thirds in their relationship—it’s their children who are calling the shots, pitting the parents against each other, making both Mom and Dad into third wheels.

Trying to calm himself, Klaus sits down on the sofa. Apparently accustomed to sudden departures by their mother, Tammy and Brian climb onto his lap and watch another fifteen minutes of television.

Warmly Included

Perry and Landa’s two kids are Jamie, age ten, and Sara, age eight. When Perry comes home for dinner, he and Landa have agreed, they will reunite before he greets the children. To accomplish this, he often phones just prior to arriving. Landa then knows to greet him near or at the door. They embrace until fully relaxed, make and sustain eye contact long enough to refocus attention on one another, and check that each feels adjusted to the home environment. Only then do they turn their attention to the children and other activities.

Later in the evening, while Perry is helping Sara prepare for bed, he hears Landa struggling with Jamie downstairs. Jamie is angry about losing his computer game privileges because he didn’t finish his homework. Though Landa is more than capable of handling Jamie’s opposition, tonight she is low on resources. Perry senses from the tone of her voice that her patience is reaching a breaking point.

Perry gives Sara a quick squeeze and promises to be back in a jiffy, then rushes downstairs. He walks into the room, stands beside Landa so she can feel their solidarity, and kisses her on the cheek. Then he says with good humor, “Let’s kill him.”

All three laugh at the absurd suggestion, which serves as an instant adjustment toward calm for each of them.

Sensing his parent’s solidarity, Jamie heaves a sigh and picks up his math book.

Perry again kisses Landa’s cheek, whispers, “Good job,” and leaves the room. He quickly returns to Sara.

Landa and Perry maintain their couple bubble by handling thirds properly. Just as they are able to relate to their in-laws without leaving anyone out in the cold, they’re able to include both children. At no time does either partner make the other a third wheel, demote or devalue the other’s position of authority, or forget to provide soothing and support. Their children pick up on this and feel warmly included.

Drugs and Alcohol as Thirds

Many couples treat their addictions or compulsive behaviors as thirds. Most commonly, these addictions are drugs and/or alcohol. Others include sex and pornography, flirting, gambling, food, online social networking, shopping and spending, obsessive cleaning or hoarding, a compulsive need for alone time, a compulsive need to socialize, and many more.