Winter Blues (22 page)

“Slow baby,” he moans, as he lifts my hips, prompting me to move. The sand shifts under my knees, moving in tandem with my lifting, allowing the movements to come slow and cushioned. The feeling is exquisite. Reid thinks so too, throwing his head back for a moment, allowing me to enjoy the blue of the moon as it highlights the sharp line of his
stubbly jaw and the way his brow is furrowed with deep concentration. His mouth hangs open but his jaw is tense, a sure sign that he is enjoying this as much as myself.

The moonlight bounces off of his sculpted chest and abs. I notice with faint awareness that Gram is right; he’s lost a little weight. He’s still defined but has less bulk. It doesn’t take away from how artfully chiseled the contours of his body
are. My hands run over every muscle I see, the hard bumps quiver at my touch and I can see he’s so close.

I move quicker, sinking deeper until he’s so embedded in me it’s almost painful. In my pace I find my own release approaching, beckoning me with thick, intense contracting. Reid’s fingers dig hard into my skin, as groans fall plentiful
ly from his slack mouth. I move them away, needing some support as I battle my impending orgasm. He clasps my fingers in his as he thrusts into me at the same time as my own movement, bouncing us together so perfectly.

“Yes, Reid. Together,” I cry, so close and so in need of this.

“I’m waiting, baby.”

With a deep push against my womb I am undone, every muscle of my body
is rigid with an intense sensation that throbs in my center but pours heatedly through my veins and blacks out every thought in my mind. The only thing I am conscious of is Reid’s hands around my back as he sits up, holding tight as his mouth bites down on my shoulder with his own release. We rock to the rhythm of the waves behind us as we come down from such a powerful high.

“It’s been a while,” Reid breathes with his lips at my cheek.

“Since the beach has seen us so indecently?”

He chuckles and nods. “I’ve missed it.”

“Me too. Although, I don’t miss the sand getting everywhere,” I groan, wondering if I will wake Gram and Gramps if I shower this late.

“Sand?” he repeats. I nod, kissing him once before lifting myself off of him. I’m poised to put my jeans back on when I’m tackled from behind and lifted high into the air.

“Reid!” I squeal as I’m thrown over his shoulder.

“Shush
!”

“You shush
! Put me down!”

He’s walking with determination
toward the ocean. “We can’t have sand in all the wrong places, can we?” he says, and even with his ass as my only viewpoint I can tell he is smiling.

“Don’t you dare!” With my challenge he swats me on my bare ass and propels into a jog. The waves hit Reid’s legs and I already know that it’s cold from his sharp intake of breath.

“Fuck,” he bites, still going in deeper. I’m insanely mad, so why am I laughing? It’s uncontrollable. He tries to lift me off of his shoulders but I cling to him like a cat, wrapping my legs around his waist and locking my arms around his neck.

“If I go, you go!” I laugh.

“Oh, it’s totally worth it.”

He dunks.

He fucking dunks.

We are completely submerged in ice cold water for what can only be a second but what feels like a lifetime. We are both gasping with shock and laughter as he brings us to stand, cursing repeatedly as Reid lowers us again. This time he descends slow, allowing us to acclimati
ze to the chill. It’s not so cold second time round, just without the warmth of the sun.

“You’re such a jerk!” I snap, mocking strangling him.

“I had to get you in the water somehow.”

“Why would you want to...” I trail off as Reid’s tongue grazes my ear. “Oh...”

34

Reid

Even in these short few days the sun has brightened Darlene’s skin. Her smile is more present than ever and she has taken Cash everywhere with her. She’s the old Darlene again. With our approaching flight comes the guilt that I am stealing her away from where she undoubtedly loves so much and taking her back to what very nearly broke us. I find myself contemplating what it would mean to move our lives back here, whether I could find a job equal to what I already have. I doubt it. I was lucky to get in where I did at the level I’m at and after all of my success there it would be stupid t
o throw it all away. But, I’d be willing to. If it’s going to make Darlene happy, then I need to.

We’ve spent our time here doing nothing much at all, rarely leaving the beach in the daytime and then catching up with old friends at night. College friends that we grew up with, that came to our wedding and saw us off to Chicago with a huge party. With them now, it feels a little strained. Their lives are so static here. There li
ves unchanged from what they were months ago while Darlene and I have had our world shifted. Darlene is quiet as she speaks with them and I sense she feels it too.

Privately, we take time to go back to our favorite restaurants and we hike, we run, we swim, we drive. Every sunset is admired on our beach. In all honesty, I feel like I could have taken us anywhere and we’d have had just as much fun. It’s being together that makes me happy, not our location. I think Darlene feels the same way too. After that first night here she has barely taken her hands off of me. We are in our own little love bubble and it’s exactly where I want to be. I can only hope it doesn’t burst when we head home.

Our last night sees us having dinner with my grandparents on the back deck. Gram goes all out with steak and all the trimmings. I think she’s planning on sending us off with stomachs stuffed to the brim. It wouldn’t surprise me if we leave with packed lunches.

Darlene is quiet throughout and I can’t help concerning myself with whatever it is she is thinking about. Her little V has been present through dinner but she shrugs off my worry.

After we have helped clean up I ask Gramps if we can borrow his car. I know exactly where I’m taking her, and for once Darlene doesn’t ask. She’s brooding and it’s completely disconcerting.

We drive for some time. The radio is the only noise between us and Darlene is flicking endlessly through the stations. She settles on a song for mere seconds before sighing and finding another. As we approach Mulholland Drive she finally settles on
Sailing
by Rod Stewart and hums softly to herself. I find myself concentrating on the lyrics that I already know pretty well, but have never properly listened to. I wonder if she chose this song for a reason. I squeeze her thigh and she warms my hand with her own, offering me a tight smile.

Heading west, high into the mountains, we can already see the amazing view beneath us, but when I stop the car the stillness add
s to the magnificence. I jump out, walk around to Darlene’s side and open her door. She takes my hand and I help her onto the hood of the Volvo. She’s wearing little denim shorts that showcase her browned legs, prompting me to hook my hand over her slim thigh. Leaning her head on my shoulder, she sighs.

From here we can take in
our old home in its entirety; The Valleys, LA and even the Pacific. The night sky is hazy with the light that pollutes from below, the stars struggling to shine. The city is alive even at this hour and the bright specks of light spread for miles into the distance, appearing never ending.

The sight is majestic. I know that this isn’t the side
of LA living that Darlene favors. No, that lies in the beach life, the warmth, the people she came to know as family. But I came here because I want to show her what she is missing should we leave. I want her to be sure of our future and I want to offer her LA if that’s what she needs.

“We missed the sunset,” she says, her voice low as she
wraps her arms around herself.

“I wasn’t bringing you the sunset, not today.”

“Were you bringing me here to say goodbye?”

“No, not if you don’t want to.”

There is only a second before she lifts her head from my shoulder and eyes me curiously, as if I’m testing her rather than offering her everything she wants. I stare right back. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, I’ve seen how happy you are here and I can’t be the reason...I can’t take that away from you. If LA is what you want then we’ll have to work it out.”

“No, baby, that’s not at all what I want. What I want is...”
              “Don’t, Darl. You can’t deny it when you’ve been like a different person these last few days. You’ve loved being here.”

Turning with a little difficulty on the slippery metal of the hood, Darlene places her hands around mine. “I have. I’ve loved every second of being here. You know why? Because it feels like a vacation. It’s not home anymore, Reid. It’s wonderful, but it’s not home. Don’t get me wrong, feel free to fly us over here anytime,” she jokes, smiling warmly. “But I’ve treasured your time more than I have LA. This is the most time I’ve spent with you since we first moved from here. I’m going to miss that more than I will this heat, this city.”

“I told you, you don’t ever have to miss me again.” She nods but her eyes are sad. “Believe me,” I stress.

“I do,” she lies.

“So why have you been so down tonight?”

“We’ll talk about it when we’re at home...
if we need to.”

She hops down from the hood, coming to a standstill in front of the car. From behind, the expansive view of LA encloses around her. Her arms are folded, making her look even more vulnerable. I hate when she’s like this. If I shower her with too much
worry I get scolded for victimizing her, yet if I ignore her then I am cold.

Eugh. Here goes.

“Darl,” I say, falling from the car and walking to her side. “Please tell me. I hate seeing you so quiet. Not when I only just got you back.”

She turns to me, her eyes glossy as she fights back tears. She opens her mouth but closes it soon after. Unable to bear neither the silence nor the distance, I pull her into my arms. When her head falls against my chest I hear a sob break free.

Fuck
.

“No, baby. Tell me, please.”

She sniffs, wiping her nose on the back of her hand and stares at my chest rather than my eyes.

“My period’s late.”

35

Reid

“You’re pregnant?” I choke.

The air I breathe is thick and the breaths I take feel strained, like my chest is bound and weighted.

She shrugs. “I’m never late.”

“How late?”

“Three days.”

“You’re on birth control
.”

She nods. “That’s why I’m never late. I only reali
zed when I was packing up my things and saw that I hadn’t had to use my...you know.”

The restricted
air supply is leaving me lightheaded. I fall back onto the hood again, breathing long and deep to counteract the blurred vision.

In, out. In, out. In, out.

With a little clarity I see Darlene move to stand in front of me. She doesn’t touch me but she glares at the dirt before me. “I’m sorry.” She closes her eyes.

“Why? It’s not your fault, right
? It’s an accident.” My tone is sour, even to my ears.

“Right.”

I hate this. On the many occasions I envisioned Darlene uttering those words to me I imagined the joy they would bring. I pictured Darlene jumping into my arms and crying with glee, not remorse. I’ve wanted my own family for as long as I can remember. I wanted to do it right, how it was never done right for either of us. We deserved that. This isn’t what I had mapped out for us. I didn’t anticipate worrying about whether I was the father. The shittiest thing of all? Not being able to explain this gut-wrenching hurt to Darlene.

She wipes a tear from the corner of her eye and steps closer, offering her hand. I accept. It’s instinct. “We’ll talk about it at
home
, okay?” Her voice wrings out emotion, her blue eyes dull and pained with barely controlled tears. Exhaling a long, forced breath before chewing on the inside of her mouth, she’s determined not to cry, but there’s something else. She seems resigned. To what?

“Hey,” I call as she moves to get into the car. I pull her hand around my back so that we are chest to chest. “Whatever happens, we’ll get through it together. I’m here for you. Despite anything, I’m her
e for you.” I kiss her forehead rather than her lips because I don’t want her to see how much that hurt me to say.

Darlene

Reid is quiet on the plane journey home. He collects our bags and navigates us to our car with no shared deliberation. I, on the other hand, find myself yearning for his touch, his kiss, his voice, needing to make the most of this short amount of time we have left. I need to soak up the last of Reid because I know that the dirty little secret I have been harboring is due to be announced.

It’s time is up.

If I really am pregnant then I can’t allow Reid to buy into another lie. I just couldn’t do it to him. He’s wanted a child for so long and while I want nothing more than to give him one, eventually, I have to face facts that there is as much chance of it being someone else’s as it is of being his.

What’s confusing me the most is Reid’s own upset. It’s no secret that he’s wanted us to try for a baby for some time, so why, when on the surface it would appear that
he has gotten all that he wants, does he seem just as upset as me? He says the right things and responds when I seek out his touch, but he offers nothing of his own.

He’s coasting.

I guess wanting something and having it is a little different. I would say that maybe all he needs is time, but I know that I can’t give him that. I’ll be doing a test as soon as I can muster the courage to and if it’s positive then I’m telling him everything.

Arriving home,
we park, collect our bags and head to the apartment in an uncomfortable silence. How telling. I kick off my shoes the moment we are on home ground and place Cash in his rightful place beside my chair. I soak in the faint feeling of being home and marvel at how it took a trip away to make me feel this way about our apartment.

For the next hour
we move like people who know each other well, because we do, unpacking and organizing laundry. It’s late but we haven’t eaten so I offer to cook.

“I’m pretty beat,” Reid responds.
“I think I’ll just go to bed. Work in the morning, ya’ know.” He does look tired, but I can’t help crumble a little at his distance. He seems to realize this because he closes the gap between us and takes both of my hands in his, swinging them gently at our sides. “Okay?”

“Okay.
Well, I’m going to eat. I’ll come to bed in a little while.”

He nods
and sighs heavily. Bringing his head to mine, his eyes down, we stand for some time just...breathing.

Then
he shocks me.

Lifting one of his hands, still coupled with mine, he places them both over my stomach. I actually gasp at the contact and the significance.

“I love you,” he whispers, and with his eyes down I’m not quite sure who he’s talking to. He brings his lips to mine, but the sentiment is thoughtful rather than loving, and then he leaves me hanging as he walks to our bedroom.

I am left standing barefoot and maybe, just maybe, pregnant in the kitchen.

The irony.

Feeling more
alone than I have ever felt having spent the last few days in a Reid filled bubble, I stand in complete silence. It’s some time before I am aware of the tears that fall so naturally from my eyes now that my body is so easily attuned to my emotions. I wipe them away but they are as stubborn as the woman that they wet.

No longer hungry, I walk to my chair. Cloaking myself in the thick throw from the coac
h, I curl around my favorite cushion and allow myself this moment to let go of the upset I have been so desperately holding in. It actually hurts to fight it anymore. The sobs are silenced as I bury my face in the cushion but they devastate every part of me. My chest quakes and my shoulders shudder. My hands are fisted and yet they still tremble, but nothing compares to the storm that ravages my mind.

Just when I think my life has come full circle and my mistake is being amended somewhat, this happens to bring the guilt right back to the surface.

We can’t survive this.

W
ho could?

And without Reid
I don’t know how I’ll go on. He’s lived my life with me, from college at least, but he knows my life so well that I feel like he has been there from the start.

He’s more th
an just an accessory to my life; he is all that is extraordinary about it.

He has brought me my highs and he has seen me through my lows. He has pushed me to explore what I think I am capable of in terms of my music
and my teaching, and he has been my inspiration to push those limits. He has shown me what it is to feel loved, truly loved in the conventional sense, and I both love him and hate him for it. To feel loved is the richest feeling in the world, but when that love is taken away it takes much more than it ever gave. It takes a part of who you are. I’ve been there already and I don’t want to go back. I’ve been without Reid’s warmth. I don’t think I can handle a perpetual winter.

Tired from such labo
ring self-pity I close my eyes. It does nothing to stop the tears but my raw eyes are thankful. My crying softens until all I am left with is empty sobs that steal my breath.

I must fall asleep because I open my eyes to find that I am moving. Reid’s arms have me cradled to his chest and I bury myself into the nook of his neck, rejoicing in the brief moment of security.

Reid lowers me into bed before moving over me to his side and pulling me close. Face to face, he wipes my cheeks with the pads of his thumb.

“Two things. One
: Please don’t sleep out there, ever again. You’re my wife and I want to wake up with you at my side. Two: Don’t cry without me. If you’re upset you come to me. I want to be there for you.” His kind words deliver the final blow to my heart and I fall asleep after another strenuous round of sobs, with a naive Reid’s arms tight around me.