Winter Blues (20 page)

I’m not done with her yet.

I guide her to our bedroom and take her soft lips once more. She’s more susceptible to my advances now that she has burnt off some anger. A smile even toys at her lips as I kiss her nose, her forehead, her cheek.

Pulling back, I wait for her reaction to what I am about to say. “So, now that you’ve got your fuck, do I get my love?”

Her eyebrows lift a little before they narrow together, her little V appearing and causing me to kiss it. “That
was
love. It’s always love with you.”

I nod, not really believing her. “St
ill, I want to make love to you in our bed. I want to savor every single bit of you, slowly. I want to be able to tell you how beautiful you are without you shutting me out. I’ll never want to stop telling you how beautiful you are. It’s your own fault for looking the way you do.”

She chuckles lightly and I take that as my cue. I lean her back onto the bed and linger over her.

“I love you so much, Darl. These difficulties we’re having are powerless to my love. Nothing can defeat it. Do you understand that?”

She sighs sadly but nods and moves to kiss me. I let her. And then I show her how I can make it all better.

31

Darlene

Love is easy. It requires no thought, just feeling. What you do with that love is up to you. You can shut it out, refuse it, and live the rest of your life looking for it again, or you can embrace it and work through the issues that accompany it. Most issues are resolved easily
, then when the timing is right, well then there’s marriage.

Love is easy, marriage is hard, but trust? Trust is the hardest.

Reid and I have never truly tested trust. I mean, there were issues when we first met regarding my gigs, but nothing as substantial as what we are going through now. My loyalty to Reid has been broken and while I work to fix it karma has crept up and hit me on the head. Here I sit, debilitated in disbelief as I hold Reid’s phone in my hand. The text message is from a Quinn and it reads...

-So when am I going 2 get 2 c u again? We could hit another bar, w/o Missy tho. I want you all 2 myself this time! xxx-

I don’t know what drove me to check his phone when it buzzed. I have never looked through his phone before. I have never needed to. It’s only ever work that calls him since we moved here. But it was just sitting in my eye line when it sounded and when I saw the female name I couldn’t stop myself from picking it up and investigating. Turns out my own trustworthiness has blighted the ease in which I trust others. 

The shower is still echoing from down the hall but Reid has already been some time. I have minutes to decide how to proceed. That’s not long enough. I need a moment away from here to think this through. I’m dressed in my yoga pants and a thin t-shirt, so I throw on a jacket, maybe I’ll go to the park. I slip on some running shoes, maybe I’ll run. I take some cash, maybe I’ll grab a coffee.

Or maybe I’ll just go.

I leave Reid’s phone open on the breakfast bar and scribble a note.

And then I leave.

Reid

I’m whistling as I leave the shower. The very act has me smiling, which makes it difficult to whistle, but the whistling is just further evidence of how happy I am this morning. Last night was amazing. What preceded it was excruciating but it if resulted in Darlene being able to finally shut down her Blue affair then it was totally worth it.

We made up all night. We made more promises and we reminisced. We barely managed
any sleep but today is Sunday and if Sunday’s aren’t for being lazy then I don’t know what is.

The apartment is quiet as I approach the kitchen. I left Darlene finishing her breakfast so I assumed that’s where she’d still be. I guess I took longer than I thought. I wonder, hopefully, if she went back to bed. I check the bedroom, nothing. A little nervous now, I look for my phone
to call her, finding it on the breakfast bar, on top of a scribbled note
.

I need a moment.

My heart flutters quickly in my chest as I unlock my phone to call her. It opens up to a message rather than to the home screen. It’s a message from Quinn.

Who’s Quinn?

Oh, shit
.

My mind blurs with activity. Has she left me? If she has then that’s a little weak considering her recent behavior. Has she gone to him? I don’t know if we will come back from that. What do I do? Do I stay here, look for her, call her? I pride myself on working under pressure and dissolving a crisis but I am completely out of my depth here.

My mind shuts down as I work on autopilot. I dress quickly and leave the apartment with my phone pressed to my ear. I call her repeatedly, but she doesn’t pick up.

Finding myself at
The Nest
without any intention, I peer through the window. It’s closed. It isn’t even midday yet. I can’t shake the feeling she is in there though. I back away, glancing up at the apartment above. I bet he lives there.

“BLUE!” I shout, my words running from adrenaline and fear rather than rationality. There is no answer and so I call him again, and again, and again. People are looking, I’m sure of it. I don’t care. My wife is in there and I’m not leaving without her.

“What the fuck are you doing?” a voice calls. Blue is leaning out of the window, shirtless. My blood is boiling. I’m faint from the heat but my body is tense and alive.

“Get. Down. Here!”

“Are you out of your mind?” he yells, looking back into his room worriedly.
I fucking knew it.

“Get down here now or I swear to God I will smash my way in!”

“Fuck, Reid!” He’s pissed but it doesn’t come near what I’m feeling. “Stay there.”

The window closes and I pace the pavement, trying to calm my breathing and unclench my fists. I fail. Minutes pass before Blue opens the door. I push past him into the bare bar, shouting for Darlene and hearing nothing but my echo in return.

“I don’t know who you think you are barging in here like this, but you need to calm the fuck down,” Blue snarls, but I ignore him, looking everywhere, including the toilets, for my wife.

“Where is she? I know she’s here!”

“You think Darlene’s here? You’re insane...”

His eyes drift to the door behind the bar. It must lead to his apartment. I fucking knew it.
Only now do I realize that he’s half naked.
I’ll kill him
. Pure, ugly rage rules my mind as I lunge for him. Anticipating my actions, he sidesteps my attack, dodging clear of my grip. Before I know it, we are matched in aggression, my hand around his neck and his fisted in my shirt. I see nothing but my own hatred for this person who has taken everything that was ever important to me. I see my own failure and all that I’m lacking as a man. Blue is everything that I’m not and I hate him.
Hate him
.

I tighten my grip around his throat but he pushes my arm away, his strength outdoing mine. “I’m going to fucking kill you!” I yell, meaning it.

“Chill the fuck out!” he counters, shoving me. I don’t relax my grip and we’re soon on the floor. Blue’s weight puts him on top of me but I throw a punch anyway, and another, growling when he pulls out of my reach.

Shocked and pissed off, he hits me.

Fucker packs a good punch.

My head spins to the side as I absorb the pain in my temple, instantly feeling warmth trickling from my brow. “Shit,” he pants as he presses me hard into the ground. “I didn’t want to fucking hit you, Reid! Just, you did this yourself. Calm it, yeah?”

I don’t.

I’m trying to buck him off of me when the door behind the bar opens. I turn my head, totally prepared to find a disappointed Darlene.
What I’m unprepared for is a semi-naked girl. She’s buttoning up a black shirt that only just covers her ass and she leaves it loose over her huge chest
.

It’s not Darlene. It’s not Darlene. It’s not Darlene.

She looks to Blue, worried. “What the hell’s going on?” she asks. Recognition comes as she sweeps back her long dark hair. She works the bar.

“Nothing, Nina
. Go back upstairs, I’ll be two minutes.”

Relief floods my body like I have been doused in a cold stream of water. I am immediat
ely thankful and yet equally appalled, both at his apparent actions and mine. I need to get out of here and hope that my being here never gets back to Darlene.

“See?” he minces, backing off of me as my head falls back against the floor. It’s not her.

I struggle to right myself, feeling a little dizzy, but I eventually stand and attempt to brush myself off. I wipe at my brow, finding a healthy amount of blood.

“My mistake,” I
snarl as I walk past Blue, bumping shoulders with lingering anger.

“Big mistake. Why
would you think she was here?”

“You’re friends, right?” I reply
sarcastically as I walk out the door.

I hear him murmur what sounds like, “Apparently,” and then I feel his eyes burning into me. I don’t care.
I should have killed him.

I stand on the sidewalk, unsure of where to go next. I try and call her again but nothing.
Passersby give me strange looks at my less than acceptable appearance. A little old lady asks if she can help me but I kindly shrug off her concern.

W
alking with no purpose, no destination in mind, I find myself circling the park. The sun is bright and harsh but its warmth is stolen by the sharp breeze. I think about sitting here and enjoying the sound of the fountain in the hope of it drowning out the echoing worries that pound against my skull. I know it won’t though. I turn, planning on going home and waiting for my wife.

I don’t wait long.

She’s jogging around the corner as I step onto the sidewalk.

“Darlene,” I call.

She doesn’t look directly at me, but sighs as she slows to a halt. I don’t know what to say and she offers nothing. Instead, she bends and stretches, controlling her breathing, and then walks into the building. She goes straight to the open elevator and steps inside, holding the doors for me as she looks at her feet. I rush to her side, confused and worried by her silence. Chancing a look at her as the elevator ascends, I can see that she isn’t as calm as she would like to appear. Her bottom lip is being chewed vigorously and she is picking at her fingernails.

We exit the elevator and walk to our apartment down the hall in complete silence. The silence is loud, deafening in fact. I can’t concentrate on anything other than the fact we are not talking. She’s not screaming or crying and I’m not explaining myself.

The door closing behind us acts like a starting whistle as we both turn to face each other. She gasps loudly as she takes in my bleeding eye. I’d almost forgotten about it. “What did you do?” she asks, immediately rushing to inspect it.

“Nothing, it’s fine.”

“This probably needs stitches!” she worries, looking for a clean cloth, finding it, and wetting it. She guides me to a chair before standing between my legs and gently cleaning the wound. I don’t argue, thankful to be sitting after feeling so giddy.

“How did you get this?”

“It was a mistake, forget it.”

“Reid, please tell me you didn’t do something stupid?”

“I fell.”

“Is that code for doing something stupid?” she asks and it warms my entire body when I watch her mouth twitch with an almost smile. There’s hope.

“Perhaps,” I admit, almost smiling too. “But it doesn’t matter.” I wrap my hands around her waist, holding her firm as I tell her, “
This
matters. Let me explain.”

She tries to back away but I hold her firm.
“No,” she says, shaking her head. “I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to know what has happened with you and…her. I just...I want you to stop it.” Her chin is quivering but she’s determined to hold it in. I open my mouth to talk but she places her trembling fingers over my lips. “If you can stop it then I can pretend it never happened. I just...I don’t want you to leave me.” Her volume drops as well as her eyes. “Please, don’t leave me.”

Soft
fingers move round to feather the lightest of touches along my jaw before she leans down and brushes her lips against mine. Her eyelids flutter closed and she intensifies the kiss. My mind is frozen in confusion, unable to react the same way my body can. My hands pin her to me, slipping under the material on her back. Her skin is hot and a little damp with sweat allowing my fingers to glide easily over the dimples at the base of her spine.

I feel a little shudder before she pulls away.
Standing tall, she covers her face, embarrassed. She’s crying softly before I can stop her. I pull her hands from her face and pull them to my lips, kissing them before I talk. “You didn’t let me explain,” I say gently.

“I don’t want to hear it
. It’ll be too hard.”

“That’s exactly it. There’s nothing to hear. It’s all a huge misunderstanding.” She rolls her eyes before trying to
look away but I hold her firm. I explain what happened the night that I met Quinn. She seems dubious at first so I hold out my phone for her to call James to back up the story, or even Quinn herself, but I see the belief in her eyes and what I think is a shadow of her own guilt.

“Do you believe me?”

“Yes, I guess. Maybe I overreacted,” she says, her features pinched as she tries to make sense of everything I have just relayed.

“
It was a stupid thing to do, I know. I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry. I just got...scared.” She’s looking away from me. I can see her mind working double time. She’s thinking about her own infidelity, I know it.
I raise the material on her stomach and linger a kiss on her skin, needing to drown out her thoughts. We can’t obsess over what has already happened anymore. I know why she did it. She knows why she did it. What we need to concentrate on now is not allowing our relationship to become so vulnerable again.

“Don’t be sorry. I understand…” I guide her legs around me until she is straddling me. After wiping errant tears from her cheeks I bury my head in her neck
. “…I love you.”