William Shakespeare's Star Wars (4 page)

C-3PO
Alas! My R2-D2, he hath flown,

And all the while he beepeth on and on

About his duty in rebellion’s cause.

O with what strength shall I be punishèd

When R2’s treachery discover’d is!

So shall I hide myself behind this ship

In hopes I’ll not be found by Master Luke.

[C-3PO hides
.

LUKE
C-3PO, I say, what dost thou there?

At what game playest thou, O jolly droid?

[C-3PO emerges
.

C-3PO
I prithee, Sir, be thou not cross with me.

’Twas through no fault of mine, in truth I swear!

Pray let me not deactivated be.

I ask’d him, aye, and urg’d him not to go.

With sighs and words aplenty plied I him—

With many earnest pleadings made my cause—

And yet he was to me as one made deaf.

His metal ears, as ’twere, did seem to plug,

As though no word of mine could penetrate

And break upon his sense of hearing. O!

I fear a curs’d malfunction doth befall

My dear and treasur’d R2 unit.

LUKE
—Nay!

C-3PO
Aye, verily! His mission is supreme,

So sayeth he. He will not hinder’d be,

Nor from his wayward, stubborn purpose veer.

CHORUS
Now with these words young Luke doth quickly run

Beyond the shutter’d doors, with failing hope.

And stepping out beneath the setting sun

He scans the vast horizon with his scope.

C-3PO
Sir, ever hath that R2 unit been

A problem that hath vex’d me through and through.

Astromech droids have ever puzzl’d me:

Their minds have tempers mighty to behold,

Though all contain’d in frames of modest size.

LUKE
Fie! How have I so easily been trick’d?

This R2 hath perform’d his greatest feat:

To vanish—scope to wheels—into the air!

O blast it! Aye, and fie and ficos too!

C-3PO
[
aside:
] Now he is anger’d. Peace, my Master, peace!

[
To Luke:
] Good Sir, forgive my impudence, but may

We yet this e’en go out asearching?

LUKE
—Nay.

’Tis far too dangerous. The night is dark,

But darker are the dreaded Sand People,

And darkest most of all their thievery.

Thus, as the darkness waits for light to dawn,

So must we wait for morning to arrive.

OWEN
[
inside:
] O Luke, come hither! Swiftly come ye in!

The time hath come to darken down the pow’r.

LUKE
Anon, good uncle! Thy good word I’ll heed!

[To C-3PO:]
O, I shall taste the whips and scorns of my

Dear uncle’s anger. So shall that small droid,

Though yet far gone, wreak havoc on my soul.

C-3PO
Aye, Sir, ’tis true. Although the droid is skill’d

At laboring and service, most doth he

Excel at wearying the hearts of men.

[Luke and C-3PO withdraw for the night
.

CHORUS
And so a restless night doth pass within:

While Luke doth ponder future punishment

And longs for his lost droid search to begin,

C-3PO doth fear his banishment.

At early morn, with eager wills they rise,

A shar’d endeavor binding them anew.

The fast landspeeder o’er the desert flies—

They go to find the errant droid R2.

L
UKE
and
C-
3
PO
enter, flying in landspeeder
.

LUKE
Good friend, take heed! The scanner doth report

A droid ahead. Pray, swiftly take us hence—

Belike our R2-D2 there awaits!

[
Aside:
] Perhaps I’ll yet escape my uncle’s wrath.

CHORUS
While droid and man go racing ’cross the sand,

The Tusken Raiders watch the two pass by.

Their banthas mounting, gaffi sticks at hand,

They heave unto the air their warring cry.

Enter
R
2
-D
2
.

[Luke and C-3PO dismount to speak to R2-D2
.

LUKE
Pray, whither goest thou, thou naughty droid?

R2-D2
Beep, meep, beep squeak.

C-3PO
—Nay, Master Luke is now

Thy rightful owner. Learn obedience!

Aye, learn thou loyalty! Pray, learn respect!

And learn thou not to speak of Obi-Wan

Kenobi!

R2-D2
—Whee, nee, squeak.

C-3PO
—Speak not to me

Of mission, droid! I’ll warrant, happy thou

Shalt be if our new Master doth not let

Thee know the blaster’s deadly touch today.

LUKE
Pray, patience, dear C-3PO, ’tis well.

But let us hence.

R2-D2
—Beep, whistle, nee, meep, squeak!

LUKE
What can the matter be? What doth he say?

C-3PO
He doth report that creatures hither come,

Approaching stealthily from the southeast.

LUKE
Sand People! Hither, come, and let us see!

[
Aside:
] Unbidden doth adventure come, yet here

I stand, prepar’d to rise and welcome Fate.

The twisting strand she threads we must but trail,

For ’tis the wire that leadeth us through life.

Fate’s hand hath plac’d me here on Tatooine

And now she beckons onward to th’abyss.

Now o’er adventure’s great abyss I perch—

Above all time, above the universe,

Above the rim of chance and destiny—

And sister Fate doth dare me to look in.

And there—aye there!— I find my happiness.

I peer therein, embrace my Fate—and blink.

Come, life! For I am ready now to live.

[
With scope, to droids:
] I spy two banthas,

yet no Sand People.

Wait, wait, one doth appear unto me now—

CHORUS
With sudden viciousness the Tuskens come,

They knock young Luke and cause the droid to fall.

They seek to take a harshly pillag’d sum,

Till frighten’d by a false krayt dragon call.

OBI-WAN
Now enter I the scene of this boy’s life:

This boy whom I have watch’d for many years

Hath grown into the man before me now.

My hope I now entrust to him alone,

That he might be our sure deliverance.

And yet, this situation warrants care—

I must approach with caution as we speak,

And meet his questions as a trusted guide.

My inner joy I must with patience hide,

For certain ’tis it gives me great delight

To see him now—his face, his golden hair!

So long have I watch’d o’er him from afar,

So many hours and days of my life spent

In hopeful expectation of this one.

In his beginning I shall find my end;

This business shall reveal my final stage.

Yet in my closing scenes perhaps I’ll write

A worthy ending to my mortal days:

’Tis possible that in this gentle one

The dream I’ve long awaited shall come true.

So I’ll compose a final act that shall

Accomplish two most worthy ends: to set

The world aright and save this old man’s soul.

[
To R2-D2:
] Well met, my little one.

R2-D2
[
aside:
]         —Almost I could

My metal tongue release and speak to him.

This man doth show sure signs of wisdom and

Experience. [
To Obi-Wan:
] Beep, beep, meep, beep, meep, squeak.

OBI-WAN
Come hither, tiny friend, be not afraid.

R2-D2
Beep, squeak, whee, hoo.

OBI-WAN
—Nay, prithee fret thou not.

For he shall make a full recovery.

[Luke wakes
.

Rest easy, lad, for thou hast had a fall—

And more adventure hast thou seen today

Than many in a lifetime do. I say,

Thou catchest Fortune’s favor to survive

A cruel attack from Sand People most vile.

LUKE
But, by this light! ’Tis Ben Kenobi here!

It fills my heart with joy and soothes my pain

To meet thee.

OBI-WAN
—Aye, ’tis well. But let’s go hence.

The Jundland Wastes no place for trav’lers is.

Now prithee, good young Luke, say wherefore art

Thou here, and what strange errand bringeth thee

Herein where I am wont to dwell?

LUKE
—This droid.

Aye, truly, he hath brought me here.

R2-D2
—Beep, meep.

LUKE
It seemeth unto me that he doth search

To find his former master, yet in all

My days I ne’er have such devotion seen—

As this one showeth—from a droid.

R2-D2
—Hoo.

LUKE
—Yet

He claims that he belongeth to a man

Nam’d Obi-Wan Kenobi, and I thought,

Perchance, the man some relative of yours

May be. Dost thou know any by such name?

OBI-WAN
[
aside:
] O how the heart inside me breaks to hear

That name I once was call’d so long ago—

But happy Fate that ’tis Luke’s voice that calls!

[
To Luke:
] Aye, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Obi-Wan

Kenobi. [
Aside:
] O, the name is like a song—

Yet whether glorious song of joy or else

Some dirge of bitter pain I’m yet unsure.

[
To Luke:
] It is a name I have not heard for lo

These many, many years—a long, long time.

LUKE
My uncle knoweth Obi-Wan, I ken.

He doth report to me the man is dead.

OBI-WAN
[
aside:
] O Owen, wretched knave! Such base deceit,

And yet I know full well why thou so spok’st.

Should I have acted diff’rent in thy place?

[
To Luke:
] But nay, the man takes not his final sleep.

At least—unto this moment now—not yet.

LUKE
Then know’st thou him?

OBI-WAN
—Aye, verily I do.

I know the man as if he were myself,

For truly, aye, he is. This Obi-Wan,

Dear Luke, ’tis I.

R2-D2
[
aside:
]                 —By heaven’s light! [
To Obi-Wan:
] Beep, meep.

OBI-WAN
I have not heard this name, this Obi-Wan, Since ere e’en thou, thyself, wert born.

LUKE
—Aye, then,

I see this little droid is bound to thee.

OBI-WAN
I have no memory of owning such

A droid as this. ’Tis curious indeed.

[
Sound of Tusken Raiders aside
.] Now mark thee these my words: we must repair

Indoors to ’scape a second cudg’ling here.

The Sand People do easily take flight,

But soon they shall return with many more.

R2-D2
Beep, meep, beep, beep, meep, squeak!

LUKE
—C-3PO!

[C-3PO wakes, broken in pieces
.

C-3PO
Where am I? Have I ta’en an ill-tim’d step?

In dreams have I seen visions of my death—

Ten thousand soldiers pranc’d upon my grave,

And I, alone to face the murd’rous mass,

Could only weep at my untimely end.

LUKE
Peace, peace, good droid. Thou art alive, fear not.

Canst thou now stand? We quickly must depart

Before the Sand People attack us here

And strive to make thy dream reality.

C-3PO
O whether dream or waking, I know not,

But go thee hence, and save thyself, I pray.

C-3PO by nightmare hath been slain!

OBI-WAN
[
aside:
] This droid shall quickly stretch his welcome thin.

LUKE
I shall not leave thee, droid, thou speak’st sans sense.

Come, come, I’ll bear thee up, so argue not.

OBI-WAN
[
aside:
] What noble care he takes to soothe this droid.

[
To Luke:
] We must make haste or face them yet again,

So hence let us away unto my den.

[Exeunt
.