William Shakespeare's Star Wars

Copyright © 2013 Lucasfilm Ltd. & TM. All rights reserved.
Used under authorization.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Number: 2012953985

eISBN: 978-1-59474-655-0

Designed by Doogie Horner
Text by Ian Doescher
Illustrations by Nicolas Delort
Production management by John J. McGurk

Quirk Books
215 Church Street
Philadelphia, PA 19106
quirkbooks.com

v3.1

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Afterword

Acknowledgments

CHORUS

LUKE SKYWALKER,
a boy of Tatooine

OWEN LARS,
his uncle

BERU LARS,
his aunt

OBI-WAN KENOBI,
a Jedi knight

PRINCESS LEIA ORGANA,
of Alderaan

HAN SOLO,
a smuggler

CHEWBACCA,
a Wookiee and Han’s first mate

DARTH VADER,
a Sith Lord

GOVERNOR TARKIN,
of the Imperial army

C-3PO,
a droid

R2-D2,
his companion

JABBA THE HUTT,
a boss

GREEDO,
his bounty hunter

WEDGE ANTILLES,
a rebel pilot

BIGGS DARKLIGHTER,
a rebel pilot

REBEL LEADERS, CHIEF PILOTS, STORMTROOPERS, CAPTAINS, COMMANDERS, ADMIRALS, GUARDS, JAWAS, DROIDS, TUSKEN RAIDERS, BAR PATRONS, IMPERIAL LEADERS,
and
REBEL PILOTS

CHORUS
It is a period of civil war.

The spaceships of the rebels, striking swift

From base unseen, have gain’d a vict’ry o’er

The cruel Galactic Empire, now adrift.

Amidst the battle, rebel spies prevail’d

And stole the plans to a space station vast,

Whose pow’rful beams will later be unveil’d

And crush a planet: ’tis the DEATH STAR blast.

Pursu’d by agents sinister and cold,

Now Princess Leia to her home doth flee,

Deliv’ring plans and a new hope they hold:

Of bringing freedom to the galaxy.

In time so long ago begins our play,

In star-crossed galaxy far, far away.

[Exit
.

C-3PO
Now is the summer of our happiness

Made winter by this sudden, fierce attack!

Our ship is under siege, I know not how.

O hast thou heard? The main reactor fails!

We shall most surely be destroy’d by this.

I’ll warrant madness lies herein!

R2-D2
—Beep beep,

Beep, beep, meep, squeak, beep, beep, beep, whee!

C-3PO
—We’re doomed.

The princess shall have no escape this time!

I fear this battle doth portend the end

Of the Rebellion. O! What misery!

[Exeunt C-3PO and R2-D2
.

CHORUS
Now watch, amaz’d, as swiftly through the door

The army of the Empire flyeth in.

And as the troopers through the passage pour,

They murder sev’ral dozen rebel men.

[Fighting begins
.

C-3PO
Pray, R2-D2, where art thou?

[Exit Princess Leia
.

C-3PO
At last, where hast thou been? I fear they come

In this direction. Pray, what shall we do?

My circuitry o’erloads, my mind’s o’erthrown!

And fear hath put its grip into my wires.

We shall be sent unto that place I dread—

The Kessel spice mines whence no droid returns—

And there be blasted into who knows what!

[R2-D2 begins to exit
.

Anon, anon, R2! Where dost thou go?

O prithee, patience, leave me not alone.

[
Aside:
] Aye, even though I mock and injure thee,

I’ll surely die if e’er thou leavest me!

[Exeunt droids
.

REBEL 1
The Death Star plans we could not find herein,

Nor are they on the main computer, Lord.

In short, they are not here, and there’s an end.

VADER
Thou speakest well, my stormtrooper, and yet

Not well upon my ear the message falls.

I turn to thee, thou rebel. Aye, I lift

Thy head above my own. Thou canst now choose

To keep thy secrets lock’d safe in that head,

And therefore lose the life thou holdest dear,

Or else to keep thy head and, thus, thy life.

My patience runneth quickly out much like

The sands across the dunes of Tatooine.

So tell me, else thou diest quick: where shall

We find transmissions thou didst intercept?

What hast thou done, say, with those plans?

[Darth Vader begins to choke Rebel Leader 1
.

REBEL 1
—My Lord,

My head and life I value—certain ’tis!

And yet to thee I must report we have

Not intercepted one transmission! Ahh!

This is a cons’lar ship, and nothing more,

On diplomatic mission. Ugh!

VADER
—Thou knave!

With thy last breath hear thou this word: if this

Is but a cons’lar ship, then where is the

ambassador? [
Rebel Leader 1 dies
.] Commander, prithee, go!

Rend thou this ship apart until the plans

Are found, and bring me any passengers—

Upon thy life, I want them brought alive!

[Exeunt stormtroopers
.

And so another dies by my own hand,

This hand, which now encas’d in blackness is.

O that the fingers of this wretched hand

Had not the pain of suff’ring ever known.

But now my path is join’d unto the dark,

And wicked men—whose hands and fingers move

To crush their foes—are now my company.

So shall my fingers ever undertake

To do more evil, aye, and this—my hand—

Shall do the Emp’ror’s bidding evermore.

And thus we see how fingers presage death

And hands become the instruments of Fate.

[Exit Darth Vader
.

TROOPER 1
Aye, there is one. My comrades, set for stun!

[Princess Leia shoots, Stormtrooper 1 dies
.
Stormtroopers stun Princess Leia
.

TROOPER 2
She shall be well. Go now, inform the dread

Lord Vader we have caught a prisoner.

[
Aside:
] And may Mos Eisley drinks flow swift and free

When Vader grants rewards for work well done!

[Exeunt stormtroopers with Princess Leia
.

C-3PO
Hold! Thou art not permitted to go in.

Deactivated thou shalt surely be.

R2-D2
Beep, beep, beep, meep!

C-3PO
—Thou shalt not label me

A mindless, brute philosopher! Nay, nay,

Thou overladen glob of grease, thou imp,

Thou rubbish bucket fit for scrap, thou blue

And silver pile of bantha dung! Now, come,

And get thee hence away lest someone sees.

R2-D2
Beep, meep, beep, squeak, beep, beep, beep, meep, beep, whee!

C-3PO
What secret mission? And what plans? What dost

Thou talk about? I’ll surely not get in!

[Sound of blast
.

I warrant I’ll regret this. So say I!

[Exit C-3PO into escape pod
.

R2-D2
This golden droid has been a friend, ’tis true,

And yet I wish to still his prating tongue!

An imp, he calleth me? I’ll be reveng’d,

And merry pranks aplenty I shall play

Upon this pompous droid C-3PO!

Yet not in language shall my pranks be done:

Around both humans and the droids I must

Be seen to make such errant beeps and squeaks

That they shall think me simple. Truly, though,

Although with sounds oblique I speak to them,

I clearly see how I shall play my part,

And how a vast rebellion shall succeed

By wit and wisdom of a simple droid.

[Exit R2-D2 into escape pod
.

CHORUS
Now climb the metal pair into the pod,

Which shooteth from the ship like laser blast.

And to the planet’s face, as straight as rod,

The capsule takes the droids by power vast.