William Shakespeare's Star Wars (13 page)

Read William Shakespeare's Star Wars Online

Authors: Ian Doescher

Tags: #Humor, #General

BOOK: William Shakespeare's Star Wars
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LUKE
My heart doth break at this most recent loss,

And how shall heart be heal’d of this grave pain?

My aunt and uncle first, and now this Ben:

Did e’er a person know such grief as mine?

LEIA
His heart breaks for a person, Obi-Wan—

My heart breaks for a people, Alderaan.

My ship crush’d first, and now my planet too:

Did e’er a person know such grief as ours?

LUKE
I have but known this man a little time,

Yet in my heart he holds a special place.

So had I hop’d to learn from him the Force,

And be his eager new apprentice too.

LEIA
My Alderaan I’ve known for all my life,

And hold it in my heart in high’st esteem.

So had I hop’d to one day make it home,

When this rebellion all is pass’d away.

LUKE
But now must I another pathway take

And make my final destiny sans him.

My hopes shall not fulfillèd be as plann’d,

Yet may I hope to serve through diff’rent deeds.

LEIA
But now must I some other course adopt

And write my life’s own story without them.

My dreams shall not be realiz’d as I wish’d,

Yet may I dream to see some other Fate.

LUKE
Thus shall I strive to hold my head up high,

And be a beacon to this princess dear.

So I’ll in her Rebellion play my part

And show her what a Jedi Knight may be.

LEIA
Thus shall I strive to hold my hands outstretch’d

And be a calming presence to this man.

So I’ll in his deep mourning act my role

And show him what a comfort friends may be.

HAN
[
within:
] We now approach the Empire’s sentry ships,

I prithee, Chewie, keep the ships at bay

And angle our deflector shields whilst I

Do charge the weapons for our sure defense!

[He enters and speaks to Luke and Leia
.

My friends, I know ye grieve most heartily,

Yet we have not made our escape complete.

I need thy help, so get thee to the guns!

CHORUS
With newfound strength Luke rises to the chore

And finds the console opposite from Han.

With lasers arm’d and engines all a’roar,

TIE fighters swiftly come—the battle’s on!

HAN
Now be thou sharp, young Luke.

LEIA
—They come anon!

LUKE
They come too fast, how shall we hold them off?

LEIA
The ship is struck! All lateral controls

Have been destoy’d.

C-3PO
—O heav’n!
[He falls
.

HAN
—Be not afear’d.

I’ll warrant that the ship shall surely hold.

[
Aside:
] O ship, hast heard my word? I prithee, hold!

LUKE
Now have I smash’d one!

HAN
—Well, thou worthy lad!

[
Aside:
] But be thou not too full of pride and joy.

When battle’s won then mayst thou boast indeed,

But none e’er boasted yet who bested were!

LEIA
Still two remain, so be thou bold and wise.

CHORUS
With shouts and sweat and ev’ry skill employ’d,

Young Luke and Han contend with all their might.

At length, the last TIE fighter is destroy’d

And battle ends in fiery blast of light.

LUKE
We are the victors—merry is the day!

C-3PO
But I have fallen—help, O help me now.

’Tis surely thy fault, R2-D2, see!

R2-D2
Beep, meep, squeak, whistle, beep, meep, whistle, whee.

[Exeunt
.

SCENE 2.

Inside the Death Star.

Enter
G
RAND
M
OFF
T
ARKIN
and
D
ARTH
V
ADER
.

TARKIN
Now have they gone? The rebels truly fled?

VADER
They have—e’en now—the jump to light speed made.

TARKIN
And thou art sure—I prithee, say thou art—

The homing beacon safe aboard the ship

Hath placèd been? I fear this risk’s unwise.

VADER
The risk and homing beacon both have been

Well plac’d. Thou, Tarkin, be assur’d thereon.

TARKIN
’Tis well, good friend, I trust thy word herein,

Yet would I have thee know what danger’s here:

While I have risk’d the world to let them flee,

Since thou dost reassure, the risk’s on thee.

[Exeunt
.

SCENE 3.

Space, aboard the
Millennium Falcon.

Enter
H
AN
S
OLO
and
P
RINCESS
L
EIA
.

HAN
Thy rescue hath been wondrous, think’st thou not?

Say I: at times I do myself amaze.

Amazing hath my rescue of thee been,

Amazing is my hand at piloting,

Amazing all my part in this escape,

Amazing—aye, ’tis true—my handsome looks.

LEIA
Amazing is thy pride and love of self!

Thus stand I now amaz’d that e’er thou shouldst

Allow thy great, amazing self to stoop

So low that thou wouldst rescue such as I.

But let me now amaze thee if I may,

By telling thee that thy amazement is

Misplac’d! For never have Imperi’l ships

Let enemies escape with such great ease

As thou and thy amazing vessel have

Just now amazingly escap’d.

HAN
—Nay, nay!

Call’st thou this venture easy, Princess? Pish!

LEIA
I’ll warrant we are being track’d e’en now.

HAN
This ship shall never trackèd be, good sis.

LEIA
Methinks thou dost upon this vessel far

Too great a trust bestow. But none of that,

I merely am reliev’d that R2 doth

The information safely in him guard.

HAN
But wherefore does this matter, Princess, say:

What carries he?

LEIA
—Rebellion’s greatest hope:

For he doth hold the readouts technical

Unto that battle station, aye, the one

That such great pow’r display’d o’er Alderaan.

My hope it is that when the data can

Be read, an inner weakness we shall find.

Though thou hast seen this battle end, the war

Has not concluded yet.

HAN
—But there thou err’st,

Thou dost not speak my mind. For this ship and

Its pilot, Princess, ’tis concluded now.

I have not join’d thy revolution, nay—

My purpose runs not to Rebellion help,

My purpose runs not to assist thyself.

My purpose runs toward one aim alone,

And I do speak it plain: I shall be paid,

And will be paid, and ev’ry aspect of

My being lives in expectation of

The moment when thou shalt my coffers fill.

LEIA
O fiendish knave! Be thou concernèd not

O’er thy reward. If thou in money dost

Find love, then surely shalt thou have it, aye.

Enter
L
UKE
S
KYWALKER
.

Thy friend is ev’ry part a hirèd man,

A mercenary with no mercy, he.

I question whether he doth care for aught

Or anyone.

[Exit Princess Leia
.

LUKE
[
aside:
]              —But I do care, I do!

If only, Leia, thou didst know how much.

[
To Han:
] Pray tell me, Han, what dost thou think of her?

HAN
I tell thee true, my mind is settl’d fast

When it thinks not of her.

LUKE
—’Tis well, ’tis well.

HAN
[
aside:
] Now is it plain to me why he doth ask!

The boy doth fancy her, I’ll warrant, else

I’ve made a great mistake in judgment here.

What use are young men’s dreams if not for mocking?

So I shall dance upon his tender heart:

[To
Luke:
] And yet—

LUKE
[
aside:
]                         —Alas, a “yet”? What’s this of “yet”?

HAN
The woman truly hath a spirit bold, And yet I know not.

What think’st thou, I pray:

Think’st thou a princess could with me be—

LUKE
—Nay.

[Exeunt
.

SCENE 4.

The rebel base on Yavin IV.

CHORUS
The swift
Millenn’um Falcon
makes its course

Unto the place the Empire long has sought:

On Yavin IV rebellion hath its source,

O’er which the final battle shall be fought.

Enter
P
RINCESS
L
EIA
and
C
OMMANDER
W
ILLARD
,
with
L
UKE
S
KYWALKER
, H
AN
S
OLO
,
and
R2-D2
behind
.

WILLARD
Good Princess, thou art safe! When word we heard

About the cruel destruction of thy home

We fear’d the worst. But now to see thee safe

Is like a fragrant blossom to my sense.

LEIA
In time we may recount our griefs, good Sir,

But now is the occasion we must act.

I prithee, take this R2 unit here

And use the data thou shalt find therein

To plan our great attack. Our only hope

It is, Commander, trust in what I say.

CHORUS
The records R2 holds are analyz’d,

And lo, an opportunity appears!

The rebels straight are of the news appris’d

And hearts made ready as the battle nears.

But whilst they mine good R2’s database,

The Empire learns where all the rebels wait.

The Death Star makes its way unto the place

To bring to Yavin Alderaan’s grim fate.

Enter
G
ENERAL
D
ODONNA
, W
EDGE
A
NTILLES
,
and various rebel
commanders and pilots
.

DODONNA
Now gather ’round, ye pilots good and true,

For here shalt thou a goodly lesson learn.

We have a single hope in this attack,

And ye shall hear how we may compass it:

The battle station heav’ly shielded is,

And hath more pow’r to fire than half our fleet.

It hath defenses ’gainst a large assault,

But like the king who fell for want of horse

This station may be crush’d by smaller might.

A one-mann’d fighter may have strength to clear

The outer walls and penetrate therein.

GOLD LEAD.
Beg pardon, Sir, but how—I prithee—shall

A one-mann’d fighter stand its ground ’gainst that?

DODONNA
A question ask’d in wisdom ’tis, good friend.

The Empire vast hath not consider’d small

Snub fighters to be any threat, methinks,

Else surely ’twould make suitable defense.

The strongest people often put their faith

Upon their strength alone, yet often such

As these are bested by a people led

By wisdom, skill and cunning. To the point:

The plans provided by the princess show

The battle station’s fatal weakness, aye.

A weakness do I call it, yet be sure:

The hard approach therein shall per’lous be.

Thou must maneuver through the trench above

The surface unto this especial point:

There shalt thou find the glory spot, my lads,

There shalt thou with a blast most keenly shot

Bring down an Empire cruel and merciless.

But take ye heed, for all is not yet told:

The hole thou must attempt to strike is but

Two meters wide, a thermal pipe for waste.

This hole shall make thy laser’s power grow,

This hole shall start a chain reaction great,

This hole, if thou canst hit it, wins the day—

This hole shall end the battle station whole.

GOLD LEAD.
But Sir, the odds of such a hit are nil.

WEDGE
’Tis near impossible. Shall we, I say,

Attempt this madness or, mayhap ’tis best

If we do live to fight another day.

If we had but another thousand ships—

LUKE
Friends, rebels, starfighters, lend me your ears.

Wish not we had a single fighter more,

If we are mark’d to die, we are enough

To make our planets proud. But should we win,

We fewer rebels share the greater fame.

We all have sacrific’d unto this cause.

Ye all know well the fam’ly I have lost—

My uncle dear and aunt belov’d, aye both,

And then a mentor great, a pow’rful friend.

As massive is the grief I feel for them,

I know full well they’d not have me back down.

The princess hath a planet lost, with friends

And family alike—how great her pain!

And yet as grave as that emotion is,

She knoweth they would have her lead us still.

And ye, ye goodly men and women too,

Ye all have liv’d and lov’d and lost as well,

Your stories are with mine one and the same.

For all of us have known of grief and joy,

And every one has come unto this day

Not so that we may turn our backs and flee,

But that we may a greater courage show,

Both for ourselves and those we left behind.

So let us not wish further ships were here,

And let us not of tiny holes be fear’d—

Why, I have with a T-16 back home

Gone hunting womp rats scarcely larger than

The target we are call’d upon to strike.

And ye, ye brave souls, have your memories

Of your great exploits in your own homelands,

So think on them and let your valor rise,

For with the Force and bravery we win.

O! Great shall be the triumph of that hour

When Empire haughty, vast and powerful

Is fell’d by simple hands of rebels base,

Is shown the might of our good company!

And citizens in Bespin now abed,

Shall think themselves accurs’d they were not here.

For never shall rebellion see a time

More glori’us than our strong attack today!

ALL
Aye!

DODONNA
—Go ye then, and Force be with you all!

[Exeunt all but Luke Skywalker
.

CHORUS
A bustling preparation now is made,

As ev’ry man unto his post does go.

A joyful spirit doth the base pervade,

Whilst on the Death Star pride doth overflow.

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