Why Not Me? (15 page)

Noon

At noon we break on set for lunch. I take a golf cart over to the writers’ building, which is across the lot. I drive my golf cart like a pro, which is yet another way I resemble an old white man.

This is the insane asylum where I was raised. Just kidding! This is
The Mindy Project
production office. Our writers’ room is on the third floor of
The Mindy Project
building. The other two floors house our accounting, locations, clearance, set-design, and art departments. They are all hardworking people with fantastic candy bowls.

Even though the building only has three floors, I have never once taken the stairs. Yes, we have an elevator for a building with three floors, because this is Los Angeles, where we all drive two blocks to run on a treadmill for forty-five minutes. Once I’m in the writers’ room, I interrupt all productivity because I haven’t seen my writing staff yet and I am starved for gossip. Usually the gossip is “meh,” like my writer Chris might say he and his boyfriend were at brunch and saw Cat Deeley. But I’ll take it! Then Matt Warburton, an executive producer, goes through what the writers are working on so I can weigh in. Then I bark, “This is all terrible! Start over!,” even if it’s good. It’s been proven that writers are funnier when they are demoralized.

For lunch I usually have something hearty like a burger or tacos. I have always believed lunch should be the biggest meal of the day. People who say breakfast should be the biggest meal are insane. You can’t have dessert at breakfast.

12:25 p.m.

I’m fanatical about brushing my teeth after lunch. My show is about dating, so you never know when you are going to kiss someone. That’s the kind of sexy, unpredictable set I like to run. Oh! I need to mention here that the behavior and opinions expressed in this essay are those of the author and do not reflect the official policy or position of Universal Television Group.

12:30 p.m.

Once a week, Matt, a couple of other writers, and I hop on a conference call with executives to pitch them the story for an upcoming episode. I explain the key points of the story, and, afterward, I get reactions from everyone on the call. Sometimes I mute the call and make exasperated and/or disrespectful comments.

1:00 p.m.

After lunch is when we hold our table read for the next episode. I love table reads because it’s like a mini live performance and the energy reminds me of when I did plays back in New York. Also, the space between the wall and the table is very small, so sometimes handsome actors have to hold on to me to squeeze by.

Knowing which jokes play well is so important to us that one of the assistants’ entire job at the read is to listen carefully and put a check mark next to a place where there was a laugh. Nothing is sadder than pages of unmarked dialogue.

2:00 p.m.

Now it is time to get beautified again to go act. In the hours since I arrived on set, I now have an oily face, hair snarls, and food particles in clothes. A fleet of fashionably dressed women clean all that up so America doesn’t have to see any of it.

2:30 p.m.

And now, back to shooting.

3:15 p.m.

More shooting.