Why Men Want Sex and Women Need Love (16 page)

Roy Baumeister, author of
Social Psychology and Human Sexuality
, conducted a survey of unmarried American men and women between the ages of eighteen and thirty and asked how many partners they would ideally want to have in their lifetime. Men stated that they would like six partners in the next year, whereas women wanted only one. Within the next three years men wanted ten, whereas women wanted two. For a lifetime, these men said that eighteen would be a good number, versus women’s desire for four.

Most studies show that men fantasize at least twice as much as women during sex, but the content of those fantasies reveals a significant difference between men’s and women’s hardwiring. Researchers Ellis and Symons found that 88% of men reported mentally changing partners or imagining multiple
partners during a fantasy, versus the 57% of women who mentally switch partners. They also found that 81% of men focus on visual images as opposed to feelings, compared with only 43% of women. Men’s fantasies during sex involve women’s body parts, smooth exposed skin, sex with strangers, and sex with multiple partners. There are two key factors in male fantasies—the first is that the women imagined are eager, willing, and ready for sex, and second, the scenarios are devoid of emotion, commitment, and extended foreplay. This is the perfect recipe for a male version of casual sex.

Women’s fantasies during sex involve focusing on the emotions and personality of the imagined partner (57%), and the subject of their fantasy is usually someone they know, know of, or are involved with. Rarely do they involve casual sex with strangers, even though a common fantasy for women is sex with a group of James Bond look-alikes. But this fantasy has to do with power issues—the woman is controlling the men with her femininity. As we have stated, for most men sex is sex and love is love, and sometimes they happen together.

Fantasies occurring in dreams are about the only place where men and women approach any degree of sexual equality. Dr. Antonio Zadra at the Dream and Nightmare Laboratory in Montreal studied more than 3,500 dream reports from men and women and found that the sex content of their dreams was 8% for both. Having sex was the most common type of sex dream, followed by sexual advances, kissing, and fantasies, and both men and women reported experiencing an orgasm in 4% of their sexual dreams. Current or past partners were in 20% of women’s sexual dreams, and public figures or movie
stars—that is, men with resources—were twice as likely to be the focus in women’s dreams. Well-known women featured in only 14% of men’s dreams, whereas multiple sexual partners were reported twice as frequently.

For most women, however, sex and love always go together, even in fantasies.

Donald Symons conducted research on gay men and women and revealed some interesting perspectives on heterosexual preferences. He found that single gay men’s sexuality was unconstrained by the rules imposed on straight men by straight women regarding commitment, involvement, and romance. In other words, because single gay men have none of the rules, they can go for it hard, fast, and as often as they like with as many new partners as they choose. Heterosexual men would love to have this opportunity, but straight women usually won’t allow it. For gay men in a committed “married” relationship, however, the same fidelity rules apply that apply to straight married couples.

Symons also found that gay women behave in a relationship like straight women and impose the same commitment and fidelity rules on their partners. In his landmark research into sexual behavior, Alfred Kinsey found that 94% of gay men had had over 15 partners and almost half of them had over 500 sexual partners in a lifetime—mostly strangers met in bars, toilets, gay clubs, and steam baths—whereas only 15% of homosexual women had that many. They prefer intimate, lasting, committed relationships, just as straight women do. We
are not saying that gay men can’t or don’t have committed relationships—many do; it’s just that they don’t have the same constraints placed on them as straight men.

The main reason men have casual sex is for sexual variety, and they will do it when the risks are low. Men are opportunists and seldom plan casual sex. All studies show that across most cultures, men are twice as likely as women to have casual sex or an affair. The main reason women have casual sex is lack of love, which causes self-esteem issues; to test-drive a man for future potential; or for getting something they want.

When human sexual motives are examined in the cold, hard light of day, they often contradict the warm, fuzzy images presented to us in romance books, in women’s magazines, and on television. Women everywhere are confounded and confused by the ease with which men will have sex with women they hardly know or don’t even like. Men should also be aware that women trade sex for benefits and are always on the lookout for a better offer, especially if a man knowingly allows his Mating Rating to decline.

Casual sex operates in the primitive part of the brain and is hormone-driven. If it moves from lust to the romantic love stage, it can be classified as an affair, and that’s what we’ll discuss in the
next chapter
.

The thought of a partner having an affair is one of the biggest concerns for people in a long-term relationship, yet few really understand the reasons why affairs begin. Colin and Jill’s breakup highlights a vicious circle experienced by many couples. Colin didn’t understand that a woman needs to feel in the mood to have sex. She wants a man to talk with her about her feelings and emotions, to listen with compassion and touch her tenderly—all things that are not part of his basic hardwiring. For Jill, the problems were amplified by hormonal changes, and her self-image was taking a beating because she thought she looked fat and frumpy. Jill didn’t understand that men express themselves emotionally through sex and that the male brain can separate love from sex. For men, love can be love and sex can be just sex, and sometimes they happen together. As a result, she blamed Colin for being insensitive and uncaring. He blamed her for being sexually manipulative and frigid. Soon it became a habit: He expected his advances to be rejected by her, and she expected him to be aloof and uncaring. The reality was that he felt rejected and isolated and she felt insecure and unattractive. She developed a fear of having sex and avoided Colin. He developed a fear of rejection, so stopped asking for sex. Neither understood the other’s perspective, and a perfectly viable relationship ended.

In this chapter, we will use the word “marriage” to describe any relationship in which two people agree to be faithful to each other. Technically speaking, they have moved from lust into the romantic love or long-term attachment stage, when brain chemistry changes.

Casual sex is about lust. As discussed in
Chapter 1
, two parts of the brain become very active during lust—the hypo-thalamus (primordial drives) and the amygdala (arousal). Dopamine is heavily secreted during lust and triggers the production of testosterone, creating sexual stimulation. When a casual fling (lust) moves to the next stage—romantic love—it signals the internal beginnings of an “affair.” With women, the brain activates the caudate, causing her testosterone levels to rise, increasing her sexual desire.

Different areas of the brain become active in men, including the visual cortex, and a man’s oxytocin level rises, making him softer and cuddlier. These temporary chemical reactions give the couple the illusion that they are perfectly matched. The main difference between men and women is that men usually stay in the lust stage longer than women, which means that while he’s still in it for the sex, she’s moved on to the next stage.

When men are asked to define an affair, they tend to describe it as ongoing sex with or without emotional connection, in the same way they view casual sex. Men see an affair as
physical
involvement, not necessarily having an emotional connection.

Women, however, see an affair as an emotional event, whether it involves physical sex or not, and it is often called an “emotional affair.” It includes talking on the phone, sharing personal e-mails or intimate texting, regularly going to lunch or coffee, and so on. An emotional affair is a relationship between two people other than a spouse or lover that has an impact on the level of intimacy, emotional distance, and overall balance of their marriage. The partner being unfaithful may
spend an inappropriate or an excessive amount of time with someone of the opposite (or same) sex. That is time, emotional energy, and care taken away from the faithful partner. He or she may confide more in the new “friend” than in the permanent partner and may share more intimate emotional feelings and secrets with that person. This type of relationship is not necessarily physically intimate in the beginning but almost inevitably leads to a physical relationship. To the majority of women, however, it’s still an affair. Sex only emphasizes the pain because it demonstrates the depth of the emotional affair.

A 2006 survey showed that infidelity was the most cited cause for divorce in a survey of 150 cultures. No one really knows how many people are cheaters because if people will lie to their partners, it’s unlikely they’ll be honest in surveys. For example, in 2007, researchers from the University of Colorado and Texas A&M University surveyed 4,884 married women using face-to-face interviews plus anonymous computer questionnaires. In the face-to-face interviews, only 1% of women said they had been unfaithful to their husbands in the past year; in the computer questionnaire, more than 6% of the same group said they had been unfaithful.

The most consistent data on infidelity come from the General Social Survey conducted by the National Science Foundation at the University of Chicago, which has tracked the opinions and social behavior of Americans since 1972. The survey data showed that in any given year about 10% of married people—12% of men and 7% of women—say they have had sex outside marriage. In most Western and European
countries, 50 to 60% of males are estimated to have been unfaithful at least once, and in places like France and Sweden, it’s around 70 to 80% of men. About 40% of these affairs will be discovered, and the rest will probably get away with it. Around 40% of married women will also indulge in horizontal folk dancing, and only 15% will be discovered. The only place in the world where women overtake men in affairs is France, where 87% of women admit to two-timing a partner in either a current or a past relationship.