Why Good Girls Don't Get Ahead... But Gutsy Girls Do (21 page)

“Microinequities are woven into all the threads of our work life,” reports Rowe. “They are micro not at all in the sense of trivial, but in the sense of miniature.”

They can take many forms, from a male co-worker making a disparaging remark about you to your boss excluding you from the golf outing to management arranging for belly dancers to perform at the sales convention. In some offices women get labeled in demeaning ways. Management consultant Nancy Hamlin says she was called in to consult with a company in which the three top women were referred to as “the good girl, the bad girl, and the bulldog.”

With some forms of guerrilla chauvinism, you may not even be sure you have a justifiable gripe. One minute you're convinced you were purposely left out of a meeting, the next you're wondering if you're overreacting. You're like the heroine in a movie in which your husband is trying to make people believe you're losing your mind so he can collect your fortune.

Even when you're certain there's been a slight, intentional or unintentional, you may feel silly raising the issue. I had a male boss who was absolutely terrific but wouldn't make eye contact with me when he was in a meeting with me and another man. In these situations the third party would invariably pick up on the exclusion and before long, he would ignore me, too. I worried that if I ever said anything to my boss, he'd look at me as if I'd announced that Elvis was hiding in my office.

And that's the kind of thing that
does
happen when you raise the issue. They act as if you're paranoid, lacking in humor, or overly sensitive. A friend of mine once had a horrible male boss who loved to lake little digs at her. She was having lunch with him and a client one day and the topic turned to diets because the client had ordered her salad without dressing. My friend, who looked terrific, had lost thirty pounds over the course of the previous year, but she chose not to say anything about her own weight loss because she didn't consider it appropriate. Her boss, however, announced, “You should have seen Patricia last year. She was a three-hundred-pound porker.” When my friend confronted him about it later, he said, “Can't you take a joke?”

This guy was the devil in disguise, but I believe many men simply are ignorant. They want to do the right thing but they've never learned how. I'm not an expert in this area— what woman is? But here are a few things I've found that work for me.

Say Something

Trust me, it won't go away if you ignore it. Now you may expect that I will suggest a verbal lashing for the perpetrator, but that won't get you what you want. Recently I saw some sample dialogue in a magazine about how to handle a male harasser, and it was pretty tough stuff: you were supposed to admonish the guy and threaten to take it to the top. Though you may be totally justified to fight fire with fire this way, and it will make you feel good too, you could easily burn yourself in the process. Jane Hedrick Walter, president of Career Development Consultants in Greensboro, North Carolina, says, “You have to avoid being offensive. You may be within your rights, but I feel a woman has to remind herself, ‘If I offend, I'm dead.’”

Where Possible, First Try a Little Humor

Not everyone feels comfortable with this approach, but it's a natural response for me, having grown up with five brothers, and it often gets the job done. You put the guy on notice that he's stepped over the line, but you have also let him see that you will not exact a penalty—not now, at least. There's that great moment in
In the Line of Fire
in which Clint Eastwood, a fifty-plus Secret Service agent, says to Renee Russo, “The secretaries get prettier and prettier around here,” even though he knows she's an agent. Rather than bristle, she lobs one back: “And the field agents get older and older.”

The trick is to be funny in a way that doesn't encourage his behavior. My strategy is to make my remark humorous but leave off the smile. A man in my former company ran into me having breakfast in the lobby of a hotel he'd been staying in, though we weren't in town for the same business. Across the room he yelled, “You kept me up all night banging on my door trying to get in.” With a glint in my eye I said. “I hope you're not interested in being on the Supreme Court some day.”

Try Firm, Not Feisty

If you feel uncomfortable with humor or feel the situation doesn't call for it, put the guy on notice with a firm, totally neutral comment. (“We have a good professional relationship and I want to keep it that way.”) Don't make any threats. As an old friend of mine in human resources says. “We are
all
defensive, and if you come on too strong, you're going to make him feel backed into a corner. The goal is to slop the behavior, not put up a barrier.”

You should avoid labeling the behavior and cast your statement primarily in terms of how you feel rather than what they did. Instead of “You made me feel like a fool when you brought out the belly dancers,” go for, “I felt uncomfortable when the belly dancers came out.” Or instead of “You always exclude me.” “I'd love to be part of the golf outing.” Not only does that sound less antagonistic, but you give them less room to declare your perceptions to be invalid or worthless. You may not know what's in their mind but you know what's in yours.

At this point, you may feel you want to take your case to your boss (assuming he isn't the harasser) or the human resources department, but for the time being use them only in an advisory role, to help you with strategy and dialogue. If you tell the problem person that the situation is already in the hands of human resources, you'll only antagonize him. If you fail to make progress with him, that's when you need to take the matter officially “upstairs.”

Include Them

Jane Walter says that women have “exclusive patterns” too. The more you invite men into your activities and share ideas with them, the more likely they are to reciprocate. And the better the chances that they'll see you as a human being, not as a bulldog.

WHAT TO DO WHEN A GUY TRIES TO BOX YOU OUT

Guys, even nice guys, are notorious for running over female co-workers in meetings. You try to make a comment and your male colleague repeatedly interrupts you. Or worse, you present an idea, no one seems to hear it, and then your male colleague presents it ten minutes later to the raves of your boss.

You need to take a gutsy stand when this happens. But you also should realize that the guy may not be totally to blame. Good girls often sit in meetings as if wearing a sign that says, “Go ahead, walk all over me.”

First and Foremost, Never Present Your Million-Dollar Ideas at Group Brainstorming Meetings

It's too easy for people to forget where they came from. You should present them in writing to your boss or in person with written back-up, so there's always a paper trail. If your boss prefers that big ideas are presented in meetings, always introduce yours with fanfare. (“Bob, I'd like to present an idea that will allow us to cut our research costs in half.”)

Don't Whisper

In certain instances, people act as if they didn't hear your idea because they
didn't.
One woman executive told me that when she saw a videotape of herself at a meeting, she realized she brought up ideas in a tiny voice—and suddenly it was no surprise to her why she hadn't been heard.

Lean In

There's some fascinating research that shows that men tend to lean toward the center of a group's communication process far more than women do. In addition, women tend to lean
away from
the center. The study also revealed that the more involved an individual is in terms of body lean, the less likely he or she is to lose their speaking turn due to interruption. Because women are less likely to be involved, they're more likely to be interrupted.

If You Do Get Boxed Out, Don't Make the Problem Worse by Beating a Retreat

Often, when men try to exclude us from events or interrupt or dismiss our remarks, we respond by pulling back, sinking into our seat, or withdrawing into the woodwork. Or we go the other way, acting shrill, desperate to get a word in.

Instead, get calmly back into control. One trick I've found helpful for meetings in which a guy is trying to run over your comments or hog the limelight is to ask a question of the key person and create an exchange between just the two of you. That gets the ball in your court without making you look desperate. Management consultant Karen Berg says she saw a woman reclaim her power in a meeting by standing up and walking around the table as she made her comments. All eyes were totally focused on her. Another technique Berg recommends for letting your presence be felt: Be the one who sums up what's been said and where everyone should go from there (“It seems, then, that we should …”).

SEX AND THE WORKING GIRL

Up until this point, it seems that all I've talked about are the not-so-pleasant things that can happen when you're working with men. But as we know, lots of nice things happen as well. Male co-workers can be fabulous teammates, supporters, advisors, mentors, and champions. They can also be flirters, lovers.

I once had a loud verbal disagreement with a well-known career expert who'd written a piece for me saying that you should never ever get romantically involved with someone you work with. To me it was like saying you should never ever eat butter. Unrealistic advice—and extremely boring.

According to a recent study there's a 60 percent chance that you will go out with someone you work with. At the very least you may flirt with a co-worker or experience some sexual tension that goes nowhere but creates an exciting work environment.

A gutsy girl is realistic enough to know that hormones can work overtime at the office but she proceeds cautiously in these matters. Even an “innocent” flirtation or relationship can end up sabotaging her.

Here are some statistics of my own.

1.
Even if you're only engaging in harmless office flirting, there's a 40 percent chance people will start spreading the fact that you're “involved.” I once interviewed someone who was doing his dissertation on rumors. His theory was that rumors are simultaneously sloppy and precise. They may not be true but they're based on a factual nugget: This is how a flirt can turn to dirt.

2.
No matter what you do to conceal a romantic relationship with a co-worker, there's a 95 percent chance that your other co-workers will find out.

3.
If he's married or you're married or he's your boss or you're his, know that there's a 75 percent chance that a relationship could turn into a big ugly mess. And a woman, no matter what her rank, still ends up with the worst part of such a mess.

4.
Even “innocuous” relationships—he's in a totally different department and is on your level—there's a 25 percent chance it will somehow be used against you.

THE MOMMY ISSUE

It probably won't surprise you to learn that as a mother of two young kids. I have some pretty strong views about being a working mother. Though combining kids and career isn't for everyone—and I very much respect my friends who've bowed out of the race for a few years—I also believe you can pull it off under the right set of circumstances.

That said, there are also lots of chances to get sabotaged. You may have absolutely no interest in being on a mommy track and yet you find you've been put on one anyway— you're given wimpy assignments or excluded from A-team meetings. It's even possible to sabotage yourself, without even realizing it.

But I do think I can offer a few pearls of wisdom about handling matters at the office. It's the result not only of learning from my own mistakes, but also of listening to one of my oldest friends. Judsen Culbreth, who has been the editor-in-chief of
Working Mother
for seven years.

First, I think you have to take a really gutsy approach to being a working mother, which means plotting, planning, and sometimes grabbing the bull by the horns. Because working moms don't like to draw undue attention to their situation, they sometimes operate in a reactive rather than proactive mode and let their fate unfold.

The most proactive thing you can do, Culbreth has taught me, is have a job that you love—and from there, things are much more likely to go in your favor. “Study after study we've done shows that the women who manage to make it all work are those who have the least ambivalence about their jobs,” says Culbreth. “It's as if a domino effect takes place. If you love your job, for instance, you're more likely to stay in touch when you're on maternity leave, and that not only keeps you in control, but it signals to your boss that you're truly committed.”

The boss you have also makes a critical difference. “The best boss for a working mother, our studies show, is a working mother,” says Culbreth. “The next best is a man whose wife is a working mother. After that, it goes downhill. These are only generalizations, but it's helpful to be aware of them.”

What about everyday issues that working mothers face? Should you keep your kids’ pictures on your desk? Should you admit that you're tired because your four-year-old had the croup and you spent almost the entire night monitoring the humidifier and trying to help her stop barking like a seal? A lot of that depends on your own workplace, and you're going to have to learn to be your own gauge. Culbreth says that in many workplaces today being a parent is no longer viewed as a negative, but as a sign that you're a well-rounded person— and that means parents are able to be more candid. But proceed cautiously. It never hurts to err on the side of maximum discretion.

In some respects, I feel that worrying about how many pictures of your kids you should keep on your desk doesn't get to the heart of the matter. All your boss is really concerned about is how commuted you are to your job, and you must aggressively let her see that you are and reassure her if she's in doubt. If, for instance, you leave at 5:00, as I do, let your boss know that you put in another hour or more after your kids go to bed.