Why Good Girls Don't Get Ahead... But Gutsy Girls Do (18 page)

Any discomfort we experience when it comes to asking for money may reflect messages we got from our parents. A 1993 study of 600 college students by Jerome Rabow and Michael Newcomb of the sociology department of the University of California, Los Angeles, found that parents’ expectations for their male and female children about money differ dramatically. Sons, more than daughters, perceive and evaluate their parents as expecting them to know how to work and to save. Males are introduced to discussions of family finances at an earlier age than females, are more likely than women to work in college, and receive less financial support from their families than females do. Such differences, in expectations and behavior, help establish what the researchers call different money “tracks” for males and females.

As a long-term result, say the researchers, men and women have sharply different evaluations of money in relation to themselves and others. Men, more than women, feel positive about money and others who make money Men feel that those who earn money are rational, responsible, and attractive. Money makes men feel lovable, happy, in control. Women, on the other hand, are repelled and intimidated by money and consider those who earn good incomes immoral.

Repelled
and
intimidated
are pretty strong words. They make it sound as if our attitude toward money is pretty ingrained. Now, I hate to quibble with the people from UCLA, but I have my own theory on this subject I think that, yes, some women
are
uncomfortable about money matters, and maybe they even start out thinking money isn't so nice But I also believe that the first time you can afford to buy a pair of Calvin Klein gabardine trousers with your income and compare the beautiful, silky feel of them against your thighs to that of the partially polyester ones you purchased from T.J. Maxx, you cease being repelled by the concept of money. In fact, you find it quite a lovely thing. From there, all it takes is a little behavioral modification to learn how to ask for more of it.

First, Determine What You're Worth

One of the mistakes good girls make when they discuss salary with a boss or potential boss is not having any sense of their actual value in dollars. Therefore, they end up accepting a salary or raise based not on their worth but on guidelines from Human Resources or on somebody's budget or simply on what they
were
making (“I'm making X now so I should ask for Y.”) If you follow any of these approaches, you are likely to end up with far less than you deserve and even far less than what they might be willing to give.

To determine your worth, you must consider both the market rate for your position in the industry and your performance in your current job.

For market value, you have to keep your ear close to the ground and listen for tidbits about what people in your field and in your company are making. Over lime, I've found that office and industry rumors about salaries are like National Enquirer stores about JFK Jr.’s love life: They may be somewhat inflated but they're based on a nugget of truth. In other words, don't dismiss them.

I've also been bold enough to quiz people. I would never ask anyone's actual salary (though I would if I thought they'd tell me), but I've asked peers whom I know in the industry what they feel is the going rate for the position that we're in. They won't give an exact amount, but they'll offer a range, which can be very revealing. How do I know they're not lying? Well, here's my theory: I don't think they lowball the number because they don't want you to think they're making a skimpy salary. And they don't highball it because they wouldn't want you to go out and ask for more than they're making.

Next you need to figure your value to the company. In some areas, like sales, it's easy, but in others it's tougher to quantify. Do your best to calculate your value based on the business you've brought in, the projects you've created or executed, the money you've saved the company.

Now Increase That Number by 20 Percent

Good girls are notorious for deflating their value, so this offers you the necessary padding.

Let Them Name the First Number

Even though you've got a number in your head, generally it's best to let them go first. That's to protect yourself from coming in lower than even what they had in mind.

Always Ask for More—Even if They Say Your Number

That's really an unpleasant proposition, isn't it? Good girls worry that if they ask for more, they'll damage the rapport and trust that's been established. As a friend of mine says, “You're afraid they're going to yank the offer right out from under you for being such a brat to warn more.”

And yet, as my guru in human resources reveals, “they” always have more than the number they give. And they go in expecting that you might ask for it. A study we mentioned in
Working Woman
found that 80 percent of the time those who asked for a bigger raise got it.

Use the Phrase “I'm Looking For…”

When you
do
ask for more, avoid pleading phrases like “I really need …” or demanding ones like “You have to give me …” “I'm looking for” is a nice neutral statement.

THE GUTSY WAY TO TAKE A NO

Sometimes, no matter how beautifully you've asked—whether it's for money, or more staff, or more responsibility—you will be told no. Never simply accept a no and proceed to the door with your tail between your legs.

Scenario One: They Claim You Haven't Earned It

If the no appears to be based on a problem with your performance (“I don't think you're ready for that kind of project,” or “We feel someone from the outside could bring the kind of fresh thinking we need,” etc.), you should use this as an opportunity to ask questions and explore exactly how your boss views you and your work.

To a good girl this is about as appealing as renting a house alone in the woods, leaving the back door open, and watching
Night of the Living Dead.
Why terrify yourself? A gutsy girl knows, however, that in the long run, whatever discomfort she feels will end up paying off for her—it's her chance to improve her performance or change a misperception. Ellen Abramowitz, who was the ad director at
Working Woman
and is now the advertising director of
Seventeen,
always used to tell me, “You can't be afraid of the bad stuff. When you listen to the negative things they're saying, you translate it into something you can accomplish.”

Though you need to know the bad stuff, you don't want a bloodbath That's not only unpleasant for you at the moment, but it can also cast a pall over your relationship with your boss. The key is to hear the negative in a positive way. You can do that by using a strategy I learned from one of the best publishers I ever worked with. Whenever the magazine didn't win a piece of business from an advertiser, rather than ask. “Why don't you want to advertise with us?” she'd say, “What do we have to do to get the business next time?” The focus, then, became “What can we do right?” rather than “What did we do wrong?” Use that same approach. Instead of saying, “How come?” or “Why not?” ask, “What do I have to do to make it happen?”

Be careful not to sound antagonistic or defensive. The more information you elicit, the better. You should follow up with a memo explaining how you will accomplish all that's been discussed.

Scenario Two: They Want to But They Can't

In many instances you will be told no not because you don't deserve it, but because outside forces are tying your boss's hands. He may say something like, “You definitely deserve more money but I just don't have it in the budget right now,” or “I'd love to let you go to the conference this year, but it wouldn't be fair to Joe or Stacey.” Some bosses will masterfully try to play on your good-girl sympathy or guilt, taking you into their confidence about all the problems they're facing. When I was at
Working Woman
the owner told me he couldn't let me have a car service because we were in the middle of a recession and it would upset the four people in the accounting department to see that I was getting that kind of perk.

There's a chance that your boss is being truthful, but it could also be total BS. Look sympathetic but
do not give up.
And I don't mean to start bargaining for some kind of compromise situation. You still have a chance to get what you want. Your boss may simply be seeing if he can take the wind out of your sails, knowing from experience how easily people capitulate.

Before you give up hope, try this:
the broken record technique.
When I was writing consumer rights articles for
Glamour,
this is a strategy that a consumer advocate taught me for dealing with difficult store clerks, airline agents, etc.—and I have used it religiously ever since.

The basic idea is to repeat your request like a broken record, without ever changing your tone so that your emotions don't appear to be escalating. For instance, when an airline agent insists that he has no record of your reservation, rather than throw a tantrum, you repeal over and over, “I know I made the reservation and I must be on that flight.” It really works.

Try the same approach with your boss: “I understand that there are budget restraints and I know how much pressure we're all under, but I hope my efforts can be rewarded. ”

HOW TO WALK AWAY WITH SOMETHING

If the broken record doesn't get you what you want, you don't have to go away empty handed. Now you're ready to negotiate. You want to walk out with something, even though it's not what you first had in mind. Bosses actually like it when you try to bargain because they feel less guilty. For instance:

•  If you're told you're too junior to receive a new responsibility, ask for a trial assignment.

•  If department guidelines won't allow for more than a 4 percent raise, ask for a spot bonus.

•  If they swear the budget absolutely won't allow for a promotion, ask for a title change, with a raise to come when the freeze is over.

TRY, TRY AGAIN

As I've talked to gutsy girls, one theme emerges over and over again. They never give up after hearing no.

It may seem like you're a nag, but people are flattered by your desire to connect with them or impressed with your hunger and passion.

TWO THINGS A GUTSY GIRL NEVER ASKS FOR

I've been talking about all the things you must demand, but there are two things you should never go in seareh of: (1) praise; and (2) unnecessary advice.

When you go fishing for compliments you seem needy. When you ask for unnecessary advice, you can open a can of worms, forcing your boss to give you criticism or duties you don't really want.

WHY TAKING IS ANOTHER FORM OF ASKING

A variation on asking for what you want is simply taking what you want. Now, there are plenty of things that aren't appropriate for you to take because they are someone else's to give. But there's a gray area of projects and perks that don't belong to anyone in particular. Asking would be awkward or draw undue attention, so you must simply assume ownership. If you don't, someone else will.

Good girls are terrible at taking because they believe that anything highly desirable must actually belong to someone else or they assume there is some reason why they aren't supposed to have it—and they will get their wrist slapped if they make a raid on it.

The first great lesson I learned in taking was when I won the
Glamour
contest. Part of the prize was having our photographs taken for the August issue of the magazine. All the winners would appear in fashion spreads and one lucky girl would be chosen for the cover.

Now, I wanted to be on the cover in the worst possible way. As a gawky, dateless teenager I'd read Jean Shrimpton's book
The Truth About Modeling,
and fantasized about being a cover girl one day. This was my one shot at fulfilling my old fantasy.

So when it came time for us to select the clothes we would wear from a giant rack of fall fashions, I did something that seemed to me perfectly malevolent. As all the other girls chose shirts and sweaters in the muted earth tones that were popular that year, I made a beeline for the bright yellow sweater that had “cover look” stamped all over it (even though I never wore yellow myself). As I saw one girl after another pick a dull-as-dishwater sage cardigan or burnt sienna pullover, I wondered guiltily if I should point out to them that magazine covers were traditionally bold and colorful—but I kept my lips zipped. Even now when I come across that old cover and see my face smiling up at me in the yellow turtleneck, all I can think is, You little conniver.

No guy would think that way. Men are the masters of taking what's there for the taking—and they never, ever feel apologetic about it. When I was at
Working Woman
I hired this fabulous male senior editor, the only male editor on the staff, who was brilliant at taking. About five months after he joined the staff, our company hit some tough financial times and we were forced to leave our halfway decent office space and move to recently vacated space in another building. It was the pits. The walls were filthy, the carpet looked as if it hadn't been cleaned since 1957, and the space was so tight that four senior editors, including Mr. X, were going to have to share a large rectangular room that was once the library—and oh, their assistants were going to have to sit in there, too. These, by the way, were all editors who had had their own offices at our previous address.

The day of the move was chaotic, with workmen not only moving in our stuff but removing lots of old furniture that had been abandoned by the previous tenants. The managing editor stopped by my office periodically to fill me in on all the moaning and groaning the editors were doing about their fate. Around midday she raced in and announced that I had to come down and see what Mr. X had pulled off.