Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (50 page)

• The Hostage Child: Sex Abuse Allegations in Custody Disputes,
  by Leora Rosen and Michelle Etlin (Indiana University Press).
  

An eye-opening education for people interested in working toward family court reform, this book documents the obstacles that abused women can encounter while attempting to protect their children from abuse, even in cases where extensive evidence exists. (I don’t recommend this book for abused women to read themselves if they are currently involved in litigation—it’s very frightening, and most cases don’t go as badly as the ones presented here.)

• National Child Support Enforcement Association
  444 North Capitol St., Suite 414
  Washington DC 20001-1512
  (202) 624-8180 www.ncsea.org
  

NCSEA provides information on child support collection, with links to specific child support resources in your geographical area.

F
OR
M
OTHERS OF
S
EXUALLY
A
BUSED
C
HILDREN

• A Mother’s Nightmare—Incest: A Practical Legal Guide for Parents and Professionals,
  by John E. B. Myers (Sage Publications).
  

Written by a smart and compassionate attorney, this is a critical book for any woman who has reason to suspect that her child has been sexually abused by the child’s father or stepfather, whether or not the child has explicitly disclosed.

A
BOUT
G
ENERAL
P
ARENTING
I
SSUES

The books listed in this section are general parenting guides, full of tremendous practical help and insight. I have found all of these titles to be terrific. However, two words of caution: First, these books tend not to address the impact on children of exposure to a man who abuses their mother, including the role that abuse plays in as much as half of divorces. Second, with the exception of
Real Boys,
these books do not offer detailed guidance to parents who have a gay or lesbian teen (though
Reviving Ophelia
touches on the issue briefly).

You can also find additional parenting resources in your phone book, such as parental stress hotline numbers, Parent’s Anonymous, and various kinds of parent education classes, or do an Internet search for “Parent Education.”

• How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk,
  by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (Avon).
  
• Siblings Without Rivalry,
  by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (Avon).
  
• The Courage to Raise Good Men,
  by Olga Silverstein and Beth Rashbaum (Penguin). Consider this book a
  must read
  for any parent of a son, especially if that son has been exposed to a man who mistreats the son’s mother.
  
• Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls,
  by Mary Pipher (Grosset/Putnam).
  
• Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood,
  by William Pollack (Random House).
  
• How to Mother a Successful Daughter,
  by Nicky Marone (Three Rivers).
  
• How to Father a Successful Daughter,
  by Nicky Marone (Fawcett Crest).
  

F
OR
W
OMEN
I
NVOLVED WITH
L
AW
E
NFORCEMENT
O
FFICERS

• Spouse Abuse by Law Enforcement (SABLE)
  Life Span
  P.O. Box 445
  Des Plaines IL 60016
  (847) 824-0382 www.policedv.com
  

SABLE offers a booklet called
Police Domestic Violence: A Handbook for Victims
for $5 (including shipping) from the above address.

F
OR
W
OMEN IN
F
AITH
C
OMMUNITIES

• Minnesota Center Against Violence and Abuse
  www.mincava.umn.edu, then select “Faith Response”
  

This website offers many readings and resources regarding the abuse of Christian, Jewish, and Islamic women, and a collection of interfaith writings and organizations. A terrific resource for women whose spiritual or religious involvement is an important part of their lives.

• Keeping the Faith: Guidance for Christian Women Facing Abuse,
  by Marie Fortune (Harper San Francisco).
  

Fortune offers clarity, advice, and validation, along with new interpretations of scriptural texts, to help abused Christian women escape entrapment and draw strength from their spiritual beliefs. (I am not currently aware of similar books for women of other faiths, but you may find one, as new resources on abuse appear every day.)

A
BOUT
A
BUSIVE
M
EN

The organizations listed here offer literature, videos, and training for people interested in starting or improving counseling programs for men who abuse women.

• Emerge: Counseling and Education to End Domestic Violence
  2380 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 101
  Cambridge MA 02140
  (617) 547-9879
  www.emergedv.com
  
• Domestic Abuse Intervention Project
  206 West Fourth St.
  Duluth MN 55806
  (218) 722-2781
  www.duluth-model.org
  

F
OR
T
HOSE
A
SSISTING
A
BUSED
W
OMEN

• To Be an Anchor in the Storm: A Guide for Families and Friends of Abused Women,
  by Susan Brewster (Ballantine Books).
  

An outstandingly caring, practical, and wise book for the loved ones of an abused woman. If you are trying to assist a woman who is in a bad relationship,
read this book.
It will help you to feel better
and
make you a much more effective helper. (However, one word of caution: A section at the end of the book on reporting child abuse contains information that I find ill-advised. Before you involve child protective services with a mother you care about, call a program for abused women in your area and seek advice about whether and how to make a child-abuse report.)

• Safety Planning with Battered Women,
  by Jill Davies, Eleanor Lyon, and Diane Monti-Catania (Sage Publications).
  

This is a professional book, but it is very readable and helpful for anyone who wants to understand what is really involved when a woman is considering leaving an abusive partner, and it provides guidance for how to help a woman be safer
even if she can’t leave or doesn’t want to.
The authors talk about much more than just safety planning—they address the full range of practical realities that abused women face in a way that I have found in no other book.

• Trauma and Recovery,
  by Judith Herman (Basic Books).
  

Dr. Herman’s book is the bible of trauma, especially for those kinds of traumatic experiences for which the society tends to blame the victim or deny the reality of her/his experience. An outstandingly brilliant work.

A
BOUT
O
VERCOMING
P
ARTNER
A
BUSE IN
C
OMMUNITIES

• National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
  1532 16th St., NW
  Washington DC 20036
  (202) 745-1211
  www.ncadv.org
  

Join this organization to support policy and service development to benefit abused women and their children NCADV also has various resources that you can order (at a discount if you are a member) and listings of other sources of information.

• Next Time She’ll Be Dead: Battering and How to Stop It,
  by Ann Jones (Beacon Press).
  

This terrific work elucidates the cultural influences and institutional actions that support abuse and gives to-the-point suggestions for concerned community members on how to end the abuse of women.

• Rural Woman Battering and the Justice System: An Ethnography,
  by Neil Webs-dale (Sage Publications).
  

This excellent book describes the special challenges faced by abused women who live far from large population centers, who may be very isolated and may face local communities that are not supportive of escaping abuse. Groundbreaking and insightful, with concrete strategies for how agencies and institutions can better serve abused women in rural areas.

• Coordinating Community Responses to Domestic Violence: Lessons from the Duluth Model,
  edited by Melanie Shepard and Ellen Pence (Sage Publications).
  

Detailed guidance on how to draw from the United States’s premier model of collaborative work in communities to assist abused women, hold abusers accountable, and change community values about partner abuse.

• Pornography: The Production and Consumption of Inequality,
  by Gail Dines, Robert Jensen, and Ann Russo (Routledge).
  

This highly readable book provides the most reasonable and persuasive explanations that I have encountered of how pornography can shape men’s ways of perceiving and interacting with women, and of the various excuses that groups and individuals use to avoid looking at the damage that pornography can do.

• Dream Worlds II,” a video by the Media Education Foundation.
  

This powerful and disturbing video reveals the attitudes toward women that are taught by today’s music videos. Available from MEF, 26 Center St., Northampton MA 01060, 1-800-897-0089, www.mediaed.org.

• “Tough Guise,” a video by the Media Education Foundation.
  

This widely acclaimed video created by Jackson Katz shows how popular portrayals of masculinity force boys and men into unhealthy roles and teach males to be abusive toward females. (See ordering information under previous listing.)

• Transforming Communities
  734 A St.
  San Rafael CA 94901-3923 (415) 457-2464
  www.transformcommunities.org
  

Transforming Communities has a tremendous collection of resources and ideas for how to combat the abuse of women and children.

F
OR
M
ALE
A
LLIES

Many opportunities exist for men who want to be active in stopping the abuse of women, and more appear every day. Below are just a few examples.

• Men Overcoming Violence
  1385 Mission St., Suite 300
  San Francisco CA 94103
  (415) 626-MOVE [6683]
  www.menovercomingviolence.org
  

Public speakers, counseling groups, and opportunities for activism.

• Men Can Stop Rape
  P.O. Box 57144
  Washington DC 20037
  (202) 265-6530
  www.mencanstoprape.org
  

MCSR describes its mission as being “to promote gender equity and build men’s capacity to be strong without being violent.” Many programs, including outreach to youth and education on teen-dating violence.

• Family Violence Prevention Fund
  www.endabuse.org
  

Information is available on the FVPF website about their program “Coaching Boys Into Men” (with a brochure that you can download), and a new initiative for reaching out to boys called “Teach Early” has recently been launched. (The FVPF website is also full of information and resources on many aspects of partner abuse, including guidebooks for health-care providers and many other materials.)

• Men’s Initiative for Jane Doe
  14 Beacon St., Suite 507
  Boston MA 02108
  (617) 248-0922
  www.menscampaign.org
  

A new project that offers various ideas for how men can get involved as allies to abused women.

You can also visit the Campus Outreach Services website at www.campusoutreachservices.com: go to “Resources,” and then select “Men Against Violence Against Women Organizations,” and you will be provided with descriptions and links for
twenty
different men’s groups around the country that are focused on stopping the abuse of women.

Abandonment, fear of

Abused women

and abuser’s change of behavior

arrest of

counselors and

denial of abuse

social views of

support for

resources

See also
Women

Abuse-free environment

Abuse of women

physical

psychological

Abusers

and addiction

allies of

and arguments

arrest of

tactics after

breaking up with

brief separations

change of behavior

child abuse by

counseling of

resources

ending of relationship

leaving safely

and legal system

as parents

and pornography

as role models

and sex

traumatic bonding with

types of

Demand Man

Drill Sergeants

mentally ill or addicted

Mr. Right

Mr. Sensitive

Players

Rambo

Terrorists

Victims

Water Torturer

See also
Abused women; Abusive behavior

Abusive behavior

addiction and

benefits of

conciousness of

development of

ending of

respect and

violent

See also
Change of behavior

Abusive men.
See
Abusers

Accountability for actions

Accounts of abuse, differing

Accusations, distorted

Addiction

of abused women

as excuse for abuse

to sex

Admission of abuse

Advocates for abused women

self as

Aggression

reversal into self-defense

Aggressive personality, as excuse

Alcohol, and abusive behavior

Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)

Alcoholism

recovery from, and partner abuse

See also
Addiction

Allies of abusive men

Anger

at counseling program

denial of

of women

abusive men and

Anti-abuse movement, men in

Anti-female attitudes of boys

Antisocial personality disorder

Apologies

insincere

Arguments

Arrests of abusers, tactics after

Attachment, intimacy and

Attention, abusive men and

Attitudes

change of

contradictory

negative, toward women

Attorneys, abuse of power by

Authoritarian behavior

Authoritarian parents

Authority:

challenge to, anger seen as

parental

Batterers Anonymous groups

Battering men

and child abuse

See also
Abusers; Physical violence

Bedtime for Francis
, Hoban

Behavior, feelings and

See also
Abusive behavior; Change of behavior

Beliefs

contradictory

Benefits of abusive behavior

Blame, shifting of

abusers as role models

for breakup of relationship

among family members

to mother of abuser

“The Boiler Theory of Men,”

Boss, abusive

employees of

Boys, socialization of

Breaking up with abusers

Brewster, Susan,
To Be an Anchor in the Storm

Brief separations, abusers and

Bullying behavior

Caretaking, sense of entitlement to

Carrey, Jim

Change of behavior

abuser’s outlook on

assessment of

and benefits of abuse

context for

illusions of

predictions of

psychotherapy and

steps to

substance abuse and

Child abuse

Childhood abuse of abuser, myth of

Children:

of abused women

fathers as role models

and parents’ breakup

services for

abuse of women and

abusive fathers viewed by

of abusive parents

control of mother through

rights of

Chronic abuse

Chronic anger

Chronic infidelity

Clay, Andrew Dice

Clergypeople, and change of abusers

Collective punishment

Color, women of, abuse of

Commitment to change

Community:

and abusive behavior

and change of abusers

support for abused women

Complaints, discrediting of

Computer games, and abuse of women

Conflict, abusive men and

between women

verbal

Confrontation, abuser programs and

Confusion tactics

Conscience

Consequences of actions

and change of behavior

Contempt for women

Contrasting behaviors, public and private

Control

financial

loss of

as excuse for abuse

of partner’s thinking

sexual relationships and

tactics of

in arguments

vulnerability and

Controlling behavior

abusers as role models

excuses for

extreme

parenting and

Conversational control

Counseling:

of abusers

for children

Couples therapy

Courts

and abused women

and abusers

Criticism

abusers and

Cultural differences in abuse

Culture

and abuse of women

change of

Custody disputes

Custody evaluators

abuse of power

Cycles of behavior

Daily life, abusive men in

Danger signs of violence

Daughters of abusers

See also
Children

Decision-making, abusive control of

Deference, entitlement to

Defining reality

Degradation of women, pornographic

Demanding men

Denial of abuse

by victim

Denial of the obvious

Depersonalization of women

pornography as

Derision

Devaluation of partner’s labor

Discrediting of partner

Discrimination

violence against women as

Disrespect of women

Distorted thinking

District attorneys

Divisive tactics

Divorce, abuse of women and

Domestic abuse:

family courts and

social support for

See also
Abused women; Abusers; Abusive behavior

Domestic abuse task forces

Domestic-violence specialists

Domination, sexual

Double bind, abused mothers in

Double standards

Doubt of self

Early warnings of abusive behavior

Economic abuse, addiction as

Economic exploitation of women

Education about abuse

Emerge program

Eminem

Emotional abuse

of children

Emotional caretaking, entitlement to

Emotional problems

Emotions:

as excuse for abuse

suppression of

Empathy

lack of

Employees, of abusive boss

Employers, abuse of power by

Entertainment industry, and abuse of women

Entitlement

addiction and

arguments and

and breaking up

and change of behavior

conscience and

fathers as role models

to forgiveness

and jealousy

parenting and

remorse and

sexual relationships and

Environment, abuse-free

Escalation of abuse

Escape from abusive relationships

See also
Breaking up with abusers

Ethnic differences in abuse

Excuses for abuse

aggressive personality

alcohol

anger

cultural differences in

cultural influences as

discrimination

fear of intimacy and abandonment

hatred of women

interpersonal skill deficits

job stresses

loss of control

low self-esteem

mental illness

self-defense

strong feelings

victim status

Expectations, unrealistic

Explanations for abuse, mythology of

abused men

abuser as victim

aggressive personality

alcoholism

anger

childhood abuse of abuser

depth of feeling

discrimination

fear of intimacy

hatred of women

job stresses

loss of control

low self-esteem

mental illness

mistreatment by previous partner

skill deficits

suppression of emotions

Exploitation of women, economic, sexual

Externalization of responsibility, parenting and

Fairy tales, and abuse of women

False allegations of domestic violence

Families of abusive men

and change of behavior

decisions in

divisions in

Family court, abusive men and

Fantasies, romantic, of abusive men

Fathers, abusers as

children’s views of

and disrespect for women

Favoritism

Favors, excessive

Fear, abused women and

Feelings

as excuse for abuse

Financial control

Financial imbalance in custody disputes

Flirtatious behavior

Forgiveness, demands for

Former partners, warning signs

Forward, Susan,
Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them

Freedom, personal, interference with

Freud, Sigmund

Friends

of abused women

and change of behavior

Frustrations, taken out on partners

Fundamentalist religious groups

Games, sexual

Gay men

negative attitudes toward women

Generosity, excessive

“Gentle man” style of abuser

Girls, socialization of

Good times between abusive episodes

Grievances, cultivation of

Group counseling, for children

Guilt feelings, abusers and

Guns ’n’ Roses

Hatred of women, as excuse for abuse

Help for abused women

resources

See also
Hotlines for abused women

Herman, Judith,
Trauma and Recovery

Hoban, Russel,
Bedtime for Francis

Home, abusive attitudes learned in

Homicide

breakup and

Homosexuality

Hotlines for abused women

when to call

Household responsibilities

Human rights

Immigrant women, resources

Incest

Indebtedness, creation of

Independence, interference with

Ineffective abuser programs

Infidelity

Informational support for abuse

Internet, and pornography

Interpersonal skill deficit

Interpretations, twisted

Intimacy:

fear of

as excuse for abuse

loss of

Intimidation

Irresponsibility

Isolation

Jail sentences for abusers

Jealousy

sexual

unreasonable

Job stresses, as excuse for abuse

Joint custody, myth of

Judges

and change of behavior

Justifications

cultural differences

for double standards

Kindness, unpredictable, by abusers

Labor, uncompensated, by partner

Laws, and abuse of women

Learning of abusive behavior

Legal representation

Legal system

abusive men and

Leisure gained by abusive behavior

Lesbians, resources for

Lie-detector tests

Losses, abusive behavior and

Loss of control

Love

abuse and

Lying by abusers

after breakup

in custody disputes

denial of abusive behavior

to police

Male domination of legal system

Manipulative behavior

abusers as role models

and change

and child abuse

legal system and

parenting and

responses to possible breakup

substance abuse and

with woman’s relatives

Marijuana, and abusive behavior

Media, and abuse of women

Mediating the intimacy

Medication, abusive men and

Men:

abused by women, myth of

abusive.
See
Abusers

non-abusive

Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them
, Forward

Mental cruelty.
See
Psychological abuse

Mental illness

Mentality, abusive

Mind of partner, control of

Minimization of abuse

Misdirection of attention

Mistreatment by previous partner, myth of

Money, problems of

Mood changes

Morality, and loss of control

Mother, blaming of, by abusive men

Mother-child relationships

See also
Children, of abused mothers

Mothers, abused, social views

See also
Abused women; Women

Motivation for behavior change

Movies, and abuse of women

Murder of women by partners

postseparation

Music videos, and abuse of women

Mythology, of abusers

Narcissistic personality disorder

Needs, emotional, entitlement and

Negative attitudes toward women

Neutrality, myth of

New partners of abusive men

Non-abusive men

Objectification:

of children, of women

Obvious situations

denial of

Oedipus complex

Oppression, abuse as