Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (38 page)

•
“I’ve never experienced any consequences for my abuse before. It isn’t going to suddenly happen now.”

Once the abuser recovers from his initial shock at legal intrusion into his private domain, he falls back on one of his core assumptions, which is that he can get away with it. He starts manipulating court officials the same way he manipulates his partner and the people around her. Unfortunately, his sense of invulnerability is not as deluded as it may seem; abusers slide by in ways that can be startling to watch. And the abuser who coasts through court is often worse than he would have been had he never been arrested; he feels that his belief that nothing can stick to him has been confirmed, and he feels vindicated before the world, with the result that his abusive behavior may escalate.

•
“Nothing is going to stop me.”

This last attitude is less pervasive, belonging to that minority of abusers who are unimpressed by legal consequences and who will stop at nothing to maintain their control of their partners. This style of man finds ways to be abusive and controlling even from jail, either sending letters or relaying messages through friends to keep her frightened. Jail doesn’t convince him that he has done anything wrong; it just sharpens his appetite for revenge. Abused women, and the communities that support them, need to be alert to the need to take additional steps to prepare for the eventual release of the hell-bent abuser.

Keep the above attitudes in mind as we observe the abuser’s approach to the various legal situations he faces; his moves follow predictably from this thinking.

W
HEN THE
P
OLICE
C
OME TO THE
D
OOR

Anyone who believes that abusers lose control of themselves should peer through the window when the police enter a home. Hundreds of women have told me: “It’s as if he could flick a switch. The police arrive, and he’s suddenly cool as a cucumber. Meanwhile, I’m freaking out, so of course they think something is wrong with
me.
They don’t believe he could settle down that fast.” If abusers truly had tremendous problems managing their anger, if they were as emotionally vulnerable or deeply injured from childhood as they often maintain, they wouldn’t be able to shut themselves off like a faucet as soon as a cop knocks on the door.

Abusers tell stories to the police of hard luck and misunderstanding, of unstable or drunk women and helpless, well-intentioned men who are trying to fend off disaster. The most common routines are variations on the following themes:

•
“It was just a verbal argument, there was no hitting.”

He hopes that the police will ignore any signs of chairs knocked over, plates smashed, or scratches on her arms (or his). He assumes his partner will be too scared to tell the truth or that she’ll feel responsible for protecting him.

•
“She was hitting me over and over again while I tried to get out of the apartment, and all I did was push her out of my way so I could get out.”

How many women want to keep an enraged man trapped indoors? Not many, unless perhaps the man is threatening to commit suicide or to attack one of her friends or relatives. In the rare cases where a client of mine is telling the truth that his egress was blocked, he still had other options besides assault, including going out the back door. I’ve never yet had a man tell me that he was unable to get to the phone to call for assistance, for example, in the way that has happened to hundreds of the female partners of my clients.

Countless clients of mine claim self-defense as an excuse, but then they admit that they were not frightened or injured by their partners nor was the woman able to successfully control their movements or keep them from saying whatever they wanted. It’s payback, not self-defense. Among the two thousand clients I have had, I can think of only one who genuinely had a problem with serious violence on his wife’s part that was not a reaction to violence, and even he was not especially afraid of her.

•
“She was drunk and was going out to drive, and I was just trying to get the keys away from her.”

This excuse is a tricky one, because abused women sometimes do develop alcohol or drug problems, usually because of the abuser’s behavior. However, her addiction is no excuse to abuse her further. Unfortunately, if a woman is visibly intoxicated when the police come, they may feel inclined to believe the abuser and discredit her. If I ask a few questions, though, I usually find out that the reason she was trying to leave the house was that he had been on a mounting verbal rampage that day, and she was trying to get away from a physical assault that she could tell was coming soon.

•
“She said that if I didn’t give her more money, she’d call the police and say that I hit her.”

I have heard this story from so many of my clients that I find myself wondering if they are all graduates of the same Abuse Academy. I have yet to encounter a case in which there turned out to be any truth to this claim, even when the man was asserting at first that he had witnesses.

•
“I just stepped in to protect our child from her abuse.”

Again, a situation in which a nonabusive man had to take physical steps to protect a child from an assaultive mother could truly arise, but he would do so by removing the child, not by assaulting the mother.

Carrying false allegations of domestic violence all the way through to a conviction is extraordinarily hard to do. If a vindictive woman really wants to stick it to a man, there are ways to do it that are more satisfying, less time consuming, and far less prone to failure. There isn’t the slightest evidence that rates of false allegations for domestic abuse are higher than for any other kind of crime. In fact, research suggests that they may be lower.

When an abuser is accused of violating a restraining order, he has another set of explanations ready, including:

•
“It’s just a coincidence that we were there at the same time. I had no idea she would be present.”

In determining the legitimacy of this excuse, I have noticed that men who are determined to obey their restraining orders always seem to find ways to stay away from the woman, whereas other abusers seem to “just by accident” keep violating the order over and over again.

•
“I didn’t realize I wasn’t allowed to even send a letter.”

Even when this excuse is true, it shows the man’s contempt for both his partner and for the court, since it means he didn’t bother to read the order. And he doesn’t need an attorney to analyze the statement
“Do not contact the plaintiff.”

•
“I just called to speak to the children because I miss them terribly.
I haven’t had visitation with them in two months.”

No excuse pulls heartstrings down at the police department and courthouse quite the way this one does. Several of my clients who have used this excuse actually did have visitation rights but were
choosing
not to use them because they didn’t like the terms. They stated: “If I can only see them one afternoon a week, or if I have to see them with a supervisor, I’m not going to see them at all.” So much for the devoted fathers they claim to be.

Even in cases where the mother or the court has indeed denied the abuser visitation, he knows perfectly well what he is doing when he calls the home and the feelings of fear and invasion it will cause the mother. If his concern for his children is as profound as he claims, he can prove it by doing what his children need from him the most—deal seriously with his abuse problem.

W
HEN THE POLICE
go to a home on a domestic-abuse call, the woman sometimes scrambles to cover for her abusive partner. Consider her position: She knows that in a few minutes the police will leave her house and she will remain there alone, either with the abuser or without him. If the police do arrest him, it is only a matter of time until he is released—and angrier than ever. She calculates that her safest position is beside her partner; if she teams up with him, he might not rip her to pieces when the police car disappears up the street. Even if she called for help herself, she wasn’t necessarily looking for an arrest; most women call to get a scary experience to stop. They want the police to calm the man down and typically would like him removed from the home for the night. But jail, even just for a day or two? Few women would want to see that happen unless they have suffered a long history of abuse by him.

At the same time, women are noticeably more likely to tell the truth to the police than they were fifteen years ago. Although the abuser may say, “You put me in jail!”, the reality is that he put
himself
there, and an increasing number of people are beginning to understand this crucial point. Why should you have to suffer abuse to protect
him
from the pain or humiliation of being locked up? He knows what he needs to change in order to keep the police from being called the next time. It’s on him.

I am not recommending that you stand by idly while the police arrest your partner if you fear that he may kill you when he gets out. Every woman has to make her own decisions based on what she knows about the status of her own safety; you are the expert on your own partner. You may know from your experience that the legal system is not going to be able to control his behavior and that you will have to seek alternate strategies for safety, such as planning an escape.

S
HOULD
I G
ET A
R
ESTRAINING
O
RDER?

Throughout almost all of the United States and Canada, a woman who is being physically abused, sexually assaulted, or physically threatened by an intimate partner or ex-partner has the option to seek an order of protection from a court to keep the abuser away from her. (Purely psychological abuse without these elements of threat or assault is generally not covered under the laws governing protective orders.) In some areas there are important gaps in eligibility, however, such as states where a woman cannot get an order against a lesbian partner who is abusing her or cannot get an order if she has never lived with or been married to the abuser. There are also places where, regrettably, the woman is required to pay a substantial fee in order to obtain the order. Call either the courthouse or your local program for abused women to find out whether you are eligible to seek an order and what the process is for obtaining one.

The question of whether and when to obtain a restraining order is a complex one that no one can answer for you. Consider the following points in making your decision:

1. Is he afraid of the police, courts, or jail? If he is, the restraining order may keep him away from you. But if he has no fear, the order may incite him to get scarier than ever. I have had clients who responded to a restraining order as a red flag waved in front of a bull.
   
2. Is your main concern that he will intimidate you, attempt to hit you, or hassle you verbally, or are you afraid he will do something even more serious, such as attempt to kill you? Restraining orders can be helpful for stopping harassment and nonlethal assault but may not be worth a great deal in stopping an abuser whose intentions are murderous. If you fear the worst, it is important to take multiple steps to protect your safety (see “Safety Planning” in Chapter 9), which can include a restraining order
   as one aspect of a larger plan,
   and even then
   only if you think it will contribute to your safety.
   
3. Are the police and courts in your area supportive? Are they likely to take serious action if he violates the order? Will they believe you if you report a violation to them? A restraining order can do more harm than good if the legal system is not prepared to back you up.
   

I have seen cases where restraining orders have contributed greatly to women’s safety and peace of mind and have helped immeasurably in women’s efforts to move on with their lives and be free. But each abusive man is different. I have been involved in cases where the woman regretted getting the order because it made her life even scarier. If possible, speak with an advocate for abused women
before
making a decision about seeking an order. And whether or not you choose to request a restraining order, also make sure to take
other
steps to protect your safety. A restraining order should be one part of a larger safety plan (see “Leaving an Abuser Safely” in Chapter 9).

I
F
T
HEY
D
O
A
RREST
H
IM
, W
HAT
T
HEN?

Once an abuser is released from jail following arraignment, he typically devotes his efforts to achieving the following goals: (1) persuading the woman to drop the charges and not to testify if charges do proceed; and(2) receiving the lightest possible consequence from the court.

One of my early clients, a large biker named Phil, introduced me to many of the tactics that predominate during this period. He joined my abuser group voluntarily following an arrest for assaulting his girlfriend, Betty. He was fairly unpleasant in the early weeks of his participation, because of his arrogance and his “I don’t give a damn about anything” posture. But he softened as the weeks went by and began to make appropriate comments to other group members about their abuse. Betty reported that she was seeing a side of Phil that had disappeared for several years: He was calmer, he was listening to her more when she talked, and he was walking away from arguments instead of frightening her. Even more important to her was that he had stopped by her sister’s house one afternoon and made an effort to begin mending fences after two years of refusing to talk to her and insisting that she was a “bitch.” And Betty was happy to hear that his attendance at and participation in our program were good.

Two things had happened, however, that left Betty confused. One day they had gotten into a tense argument, which had been uncommon lately, and he had yelled at her: “I have all these court hassles now because you decided to go and call the fucking police on me.” This jab didn’t seem to be consistent with the remorse he was showing on other days. However, he apologized the next day and referred to his own behavior as “backsliding.” A couple of weeks later, in another tense exchange, he said to Betty in a low growl, “If you go forward with testifying against me, you are going to be really sorry.” Later he insisted that he had just meant that she would feel guilty for treating him “like a criminal,” but Betty continued to feel that he had meant something more.