Why Do I Have to Think Like a Man? (2 page)

Cory and I went on our first date when I was fifteen, and I quickly learned that boys will only become men if you force them to. Assuming I was like the other girls he had gone out with before, Cory thought he could take me on a date without any money—basically on a free date. Since I knew, even as a young girl,
never
to go on a date without any cash, I usually kept fifty dollars in my purse. I also knew that if a guy wanted to date me, he had better come correct.

When Cory and I pulled up to the window at the drive-in movie theater, the attendant said, “Seven dollars, please.” Cory looked at me, and I looked back at him. Without even thinking of reaching into my purse to pull out my money, I told him to take me home and said, “Don’t ever go out with me with the expectation that I will pay!”

Instead of taking me home, Cory drove us to his house to get a small check his dad had sent him. He then drove to Liquor King, a liquor store in the neighborhood that would cash checks, got his money, and drove us back to the drive-in. Once we were settled in, I showed Cory that I had money, and reiterated to him that I was not that kind of girl. “You can be a star athlete and one of the most beautiful men that I have ever seen, but you have to understand that it still costs to date me.” That moment was a building block in the foundation of our relationship. Cory now understood that if he wanted me to be his girl, he had to be a man when he was with me. We never had that discussion again.

After high school, we moved in together and shared most of the bills. Because I worked at a bank and made more than his $526 football scholarship check, I bought most of the groceries and took care of the miscellaneous things that we needed. Cory always said, “When I make it to the NFL your only job will be the house, our kids, and being my wife,” and he kept his word. In 1999, Cory was the second pick of the third round in the NFL draft. A few weeks after the draft, he sent me a couple dozen roses with a note that said, “Yes, I will marry you!” I called and said, “Where is the ring?” He said, “I haven’t got my signing bonus yet, but as soon as it comes, I got you.” This is how my life began as an NFL wife.

Rhonda

I have spent half of my life either married or seeking a committed relationship. Some of the men I dated were decent, and some were just downright awful. I have stuck with guys who were broke and broken in spirit. I’ve been with the guy who needed a loan to help pay his bills, the guy who needed help getting a cell phone because his credit was bad, and the one who was always overdrawn on his account. Guess what? I loaned them money and paid some of their bills. Why? Because I could and wanted to show my “independence.” I have had the liar, the cheater, and some who were a combination of both. Back then it didn’t matter. I was just happy to have a man. I never thought about standards. Without an example of a “good man,” I simply followed my heart and became attached to what I thought was love, in the name of love. The end result was lose-lose all the way around.

I had two children by the time I was seventeen years old. As a young, African American teenage mom from a broken home, the odds were stacked against me. Pushing through the odds, I obtained a job in Corporate America and worked diligently. And the hard work paid off. I was promoted every two to three years and proved to myself that I was in charge of my life. I controlled my own destiny. By the time I was thirty-two years old, I was the epitome of
Ms. Independent
. I had the new house, the new Rover, the designer shoes and clothes, and the well-dressed children. My relationships, however, were in complete turmoil. I still had a long way to go before I would figure it all out.

Shanae and I hope that as you read this book, you will see the message behind the stories, laugh at the obvious, and be relieved to know that you are not the only one experiencing certain situations in your relationships. We also hope our stories will inspire and encourage you to take better care of yourself. Our ultimate goal is to help you build yourself up, to help eliminate unnecessary dating drama in your life, and encourage you to establish healthier relationships overall.

Shanae

What do men really want? That’s the billion-dollar question. It’s probably safe to assume that if anyone knew, Bill Clinton wouldn’t have risked impeachment; John Wayne Bobbitt would still have an intact penis; Steve McNair would be headed to the Pro Bowl; David Carradine would be working on his next film; and Neil Diamond, Michael Jordan, Mel Gibson, Steven Spielberg, and countless other men would be hundreds of millions of dollars richer. So, we won’t even attempt to answer that question.

What we hope you will learn from this book is how to get the most out of your relationships and to explore what you need to work on within yourself to achieve this goal. Truly, you are the only one who can change yourself and therefore your circumstances.

Let’s get started.

Dating Game 101

Have you ever had a relationship that fell apart for no obvious reason? Ever found out that the man you had fallen in love with or liked a whole lot was not the guy you thought he was? Ever been lied to, cheated on, or misled by a man? Have you ever gone through any of these scenarios and quite simply couldn’t think of anything else to say but, “What the hell just happened?” If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, we can relate because so have we! Many times we have asked, what the hell is going on in relationships today? Why should we have to
“think like a man”
when dating? Is that the only way to find relationship bliss? What do men want and what does it take to find love, commitment, and honesty in a relationship? Does it even exist? We found that in many of our dating experiences, the stories were the same. Whether the guys were rich or middle class, young or old, well educated or not, the bottom line was all men wanted something from us but many didn’t want to give anything in return. Men wanted our goodies and our time for free.

So what do we do? How do we set our standards so that we experience a win-win situation every time? How do we ensure that no matter how it turns out, we can walk away feeling like we spent our time well and benefited from the dating experience?

First, you have to know your value as a woman. That means feeling comfortable expecting a particular level of treatment from anyone you encounter. God created us in His image, which is greatness, and we have to expect that same level of greatness from anyone we allow in our lives. Sadly, we can’t tell you how many conversations we’ve had with men and women who have equated having these expectations with some form of prostitution. Our question is:
“So what is it called when we just lie
down, expect nothing, and get nothing? What’s the label
for that?”
In our opinion, that example is just a fraction of the brainwashing that men have been able to get away with for decades. The sad part is that many of us have bought into it. Men today would like us to believe that we want too much if we ask for anything other than sex.

Second, don’t let your independence get in the way of letting a man be a man. There are women who are proud to say, “I don’t want anything from a man!” These women relate well to the lyrics of Ne-Yo’s 2008 song,
“Miss
Independent,”
which say:

I love it when she says,

“It’s cool, I got it, I got it, I got it”

And everything she got, she works for it

Or Jamie Foxx’s lyrics to “She Got Her Own” (the remix), which say:

Now all my ladies that don’t need a man for nothing,

except some of that good lovin’,

Let me hear you say ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh . . .

Ladies, please! As independent women ourselves, this is bullshit. We could sell ten million copies of this book and our position would still be the same. If you’re sleeping in it, “you” bought it; if you’re driving in it, “you” bought it; and if you’re eating it, best believe you bought it. Men have women thinking this
mess
is fly. We fully embrace and support independent women who have their own money and are able to do nice things for their men, but we are also strong advocates of allowing men the opportunity to demonstrate their manhood by serving as a provider. We invite you to explore this in more detail with us in later chapters.

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO STEVE

We would be remiss if we didn’t again mention Steve Harvey’s book,
Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man
. We certainly read the book and are sure many of you did, too. We want to take time to thank Mr. Harvey for the book that got us all talking about relationships. He raised some interesting topics and gave some useful advice. And with all due respect, he also gave us some advice that was suspect and made us wonder
WTF
? (Throughout the book,we use the acronym WTF which means “What the fu*k?” Sometimes this is the only comment to best describe the situation!)

In this book, we are going to show you by example why the time is right for change. This book is going to debunk some of the myths you have heard and give you what Steve (and no other man for that matter) could not—an uncensored, woman’s view on dating. In just a few short pages you will find real stories and reasons why you must reclaim your power. These will be raw and uncut depictions of married and single women committing mistakes, selling themselves short, hearing but not listening to the men they date and not heeding the obvious warnings.

No
man
can ever tell you what it’s like to date a man, trust his words, invest your time, invest your emotions, then sleep with him, only to be left hanging—or find that he doesn’t feel the same about you anymore or that he suddenly needs “time to think things through” as he vanishes out of your life and into the next woman’s bed. No
man
can ever tell you how it feels to meet a guy who says to you, “I am single looking for my queen” only to discover after dating for several months, he is actually married.

This book will be like watching a powerful, drama-filled, action-packed movie. While reading it, you just might see yourself or someone you know in the starring role making the same mistakes over and over again, being victimized until one day they wake up, look in the mirror, and realize they have the kryptonite—the power to turn it all around.

Recently, my girlfriend experienced a situation that reminded her how guys are very confident about stating their standards and could care less how it makes women feel. I was in Las Vegas for the Mayweather fight. I brought a girlfriend with me and met up with one of my boyfriend’s friends. My friend is a very pretty girl with beautiful long black hair (it’s real), straight teeth, and great skin—just a cute girl. When I introduced them, she noticed that the guy didn’t really even look at her. A few days later, when I saw him, I asked why he had acted like that. He said, “Because she didn’t have hips or a butt.” Huh? Wow! Now, if we were to say, “Naw, I can’t talk to that guy because I heard his penis is the size of my thumb,” or “His bank account balance looks like a bad credit score,” then we’d be called all kinds of bad names. These are the kind of double-standards we are talking about. Guys have no problem with their very clear and oftentimes superficial standards for women, but if we let them know straight up what we want, then we’re “doing too much” or being “too demanding.” What did rapper Drake say? “The game needs changin’ and I’m the mother fu*kin’ cashier!”

Quite honestly, after you read some of these true events, you’ll see that there are no better words to express the emotion than WTF. Some of the names have been changed to protect the guilty and the innocent, who are our friends and family. Sit back, relax, and enjoy.

Part
One

What Do Men Really Want?

Chapter 1:
You Can’t Change Him

D
on’t hate the player; hate the game. It’s not the man that makes the difference, it’s how you deal with the man that makes the difference between heartbreak and a mutually beneficial situation. First off, women need to stop walking around with blinders on. If you see that the man of your dreams is promiscuous, a flirt, a liar, or selfish, he isn’t going to change because you gave him some (that is, had sex with him) or because you gave birth to his child. Let’s be realistic. If he is trifling, that is his character,
period
. Now, most men do grow up at some point, and the things they desire from their women can change. But for the most part, barring divine intervention, a strong desire to change, or intensive therapy, a man’s character is consistent throughout his life.

Shanae

October 2006, my birthday weekend, my mom bought us tickets to see the Laffapalooza comedy show held in Atlanta every year. The plan was dinner, the concert, and (hopefully) the after party. So, after the show, I went up to the emcee of the show and asked if I could get tickets to the after party. He asked who I was there with, I pointed to my mom, he smiled, then promptly led us backstage. While backstage I met a man, who I will call “Mark.” He was funny, friendly, and seemed very sweet.

Mark and I exchanged numbers and stayed in contact. We talked on the phone, text messaged each other, i-chatted, e-mailed, and saw each other in different cities as mere friends. There were several nights we stayed together and slept in the same bed without having sex.

One night, I visited Mark at his home in Los Angeles. It was a beautiful mansion on the hill. He had just moved into the house so there wasn’t much furniture, except for a few beds and a flat screen TV. We talked about his plans to decorate and how happy he was to have found that place. We stayed up all night laughing and talking. Around 5:30 in the morning, we took his Hummer to the top of the hill and watched the sunrise. It was so romantic. Afterward, we returned to Mark’s house and slept. We literally just went to sleep—no kissing, no making out.

Mark and I established a really nice friendship in a short amount of time. I have to admit, over the course of our friendship, I saw Mark with many different women. I don’t think that I ever saw him with the same girl twice. Yet, it never bothered me because we were just friends, and all I thought about were his great qualities, and how humorous, nurturing, smart, and talented he was. Then one day the dynamics of our relationship changed, and I knew Mark could “get it.” He was celebrating his birthday in Miami, and I decided to join him at the party along with a host of other guests. All of Mark’s family came together to celebrate his birthday and, for some reason, it made him very emotional. He was crying while holding his mom’s hand and then I started crying. It was a very moving moment. We embraced for a moment and wiped the tears away and the party commenced. We danced, drank, and had an incredible time. As the night began to wind down, we shared our first real kiss, and other passionate events (can’t kiss and tell). When the night was over, we were too intoxicated to escalate our intimacy to the next level. I gave him a soft kiss on the lips, went to my room alone, and fell asleep.