Who We Are (19 page)

              Oh, how she wished he was here to guide her and tell her what to do! She crept downstairs to get a little snack. When she was about halfway down the stairs, she heard some voices. Stopping to listen, she realized that it was her father and another man’s voice who she didn’t recognize.

             
What was her Papa here for, he told us he was going to be gone until Thursday.

              “Well I have already given permission for Johnny to court Desire, and from what my wife tells me they seem to be a suitable match. However, I will consider your request.”

              “I assure you Mr. Winthrop, Desire and I would make a fine match and I promise you I would treat her exactly she should be treated.”

              Desire put her hand over her mouth to prevent any sounds from escaping. Her heart pounded at the thought!
Nathaniel! Oh my goodness, he is alive! I couldn’t possibly even stand to see him again. What would he possibly do to me as his wife?

              “My daughter is without a doubt a stunning young woman, much different than most of the young ladies here. But she does have a bit of mischief in her, which I am sure is not a secret to anyone here in town.”

              “Sir, I enjoy a challenge and am sure I can guide her to be a proper wife.”

              Desire turned and slowly and lightly crept back upstairs praying no one would hear her. Tears started to stream down her face. What horrors was she in for now? She put her robe on over her clothing, and crawled under her covers. She started to shake with fear. Oh, if only she and Johnny could run away tonight she wouldn’t ever have to see Nathaniel again.

              She lay awake for the rest of the night. Every time she closed her eyes, she was back in the forest lying face down in the dirt. It was if she was actually back there and she could feel all the pain and humiliation over again. Forcing herself to stay awake, she spent the rest of the night wishing that Johnny would magically appear.

Chapter Sixteen

              When Dawn broke, Desire got out of her bed, took off her robe and hung it up and changed into fresh clothes. She put on extra-thick stockings and a long sweater over her blouse. She wrapped a scarf around her neck and tied her hair back in the most unattractive way she could.

              She went downstairs and put on a pot of coffee, knowing that a good dose of coffee would perk her up a little.

              As the coffee brewed, Desire sat at the kitchen table and focused on not falling asleep. When it was done, she poured herself a big steaming cup and decided to drink it black. She had to wake up somehow. She knew if she looked unwell her mother, or whoever her ‘mother’ really was, would never let her outside of the house today. She just had to see Johnny and sort out the strange things he told her yesterday.

              She took her coffee and sat on a rocking chair on the front porch. As she looked around her community, it was hard to understand that there was a whole other world out there.

             
What did it look like? How were we part of that world? Do I have another mother and father? Where are they? What do they look like?

             
As she thought about how the parents she knew were phonies, it suddenly dawned on her that someone in the ’other’ world may be looking for her and grieving her disappearance!
Do I have siblings in that world? Were they being held captive? Who might their captors be?

                            She sipped on her coffee, which did not have the magical wake up effect she had hoped. However, it did warm her up.

              Deep in thought, she almost jumped out of her skin when she felt a little tap on her shoulder. Startled, she looked up to see her mother standing beside her.

              “Good morning, Sweetheart.  What are you doing up so early?”

Desire looked up at her mother, who now was a mysterious woman to her. “Good morning, Mama. I just wanted to have a hot cup of coffee and watch the sun come up.”

              Mama sat down in the chair beside her daughter. “You needn’t fool me darling, I know what’s really going on.”

              Desire looked up at her with wide eyes and her heart sped up a little.
             
“When your father courted me after my parents were killed in that fire, I was so taken by him, and I could barely sleep or think of anything else. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.”

              Desire breathed a sigh of relief privately and gave her mother a little smile. Her mother thought she was acting strangely because she was in love with Johnny. This was definitely part of it, but if she only knew the rest! Or maybe she did. Who knew what was what anymore?

              Her mother went back inside and returned with a cup of coffee. She rejoined Desire, sitting back down in the rocking chair beside her.

              Desire thought of Nathaniel again and hoped that perhaps her mother would come to her rescue. She chose her words carefully. “Mother, I woke up in the middle of the night and thought I would come downstairs to get a snack. I wasn’t eavesdropping, but I heard Papa talking to Nathaniel. He agreed to let Nathaniel court me. Can you please convince him otherwise? I don’t like Nathaniel at all, I like Johnny.” It was all she could do not to blurt out the truth.

              Her mother looked at her and took a sip of her coffee. She rocked for a few moments without saying anything. “Desire, I know you like Johnny. Your father and I do too. I can tell by looking into his eyes that he cares deeply for you. However, when you are young and just starting to experience romantic feelings, everything feels wonderful. I know this is isn’t very nice to say, but I don’t really care for Nathaniel myself. There is something about him that just seems a little off.” Mama took another sip of coffee, seemingly deep in thought. After several moments, she said, “I will see what I can do.”

              Desire breathed a sigh of relief, but did not feel convinced that Mama would be able to change Papa’s mind but felt glad that Mama would try. If Mama was unable to convince him, she decided that she would tell Mama about what happened in the forest. The ugly events started to flash before her in her mind’s eye. She knew she risked getting into herself into trouble herself by admitting she went into the forest in the first place, and she knew that the punishment would be harsh and painful. Even so, that was more appealing but it was he lesser of two evils, since she knew that what Nathaniel would do to her would be much, much worse. She closed her eyes and tried to force herself to think of something more pleasant. She willed herself to think of Johnny and him smearing paint on her face. Then she pictured him eating her soggy lemonade roast beef sandwich. She let out a little giggle thinking about this.

              “What is so funny, Desire?”

              Desire opened her eyes and looked at her. She panicked a little but then realized this truth was not a secret. “Well, yesterday when I was setting out the picnic lunch for Johnny, his father and myself I spilled lemonade on Johnny’s sandwich. I tried to switch it with mine but he insisted that he liked his sandwich with a little lemonade on it. I am sure it tasted awful, but he ate it anyway.”

              “That Johnny sure is a gentleman. I think he is a great catch for you, Desire.”

              They sat in silence for a few more minutes and then headed inside. Desire fixed some eggs and toast while her mother started to iron napkins for the Celebration.

              After they finished eating breakfast, Desire headed to Bible study. As she walked through town, she found she was looking around her with more scrutiny than normal. She was trying to glimpse something weird or different. She realized she didn’t really know what that would look like. As some of the town’s folks walked around her, she tried to look at them a little closer without being obvious, but once again, she didn’t really know what she would look for to identify a potentially dangerous person.

              As she approached the church, she saw Constance and her ‘flock of sheep’ sitting on the steps. Not again, she thought to herself. She was not in the mood for their silly antics, but continued to approach the church anyway. When she got to the church steps, Constance looked at her and sneered.

              “Well, if it isn’t Desire, the town’s red-headed devil. What trouble will you cause today? You know you make the rest of us look better because you are so bad.”

              Desire tried to control herself, but all the events of the past couple of days came to a head. “Constance, I don’t give a shit what you think. You are a mean girl with pretty ribbons in your hair. These girls are only nice to you because they are scared of you. So quit your bitching and sneering and go fuck yourself.”

              Constance looked horrified at her words and inwardly Desire was a little horrified too, but she didn’t let it show. She wasn’t sure what some of those words meant, but for some reason they seemed familiar to her. She was certain that she would get in trouble if Constance or any of the other girls told on her, but she couldn’t take them back now.

              She marched up the stairs past them and went down to the classroom. When she entered, she felt relieved to see Tobias leading the class. She sat right at the front of the class and bid Tobias good morning.

                            Then Constance and her gang walked in. Constance marched right up to Tobias and whispered something in his ear. He looked at Desire and then nodded to Constance. When everyone was settled Tobias began to speak.

              “This morning it appears as though there was a little disagreement in front of the church. I think we should talk about this. Constance has informed me that Desire has used words that she had never heard before, but that she was certain they were not good words. Sometimes you hear words and you are not sure what they mean, but you repeat them in the same context that you heard them in. Desire, please come to the front of the class and tell us what you said this morning.”

              Desire looked at him warily. What on earth was he doing? She stood up and went to the front of the classroom. “I told Constance I didn’t give a shit what she thought, asked her to stop bitching and told her to go fuck herself.”

              “And where did you hear these words, bitching, shit and fuck?”

              She paused for a moment as she made up a story. “I heard three men outside of the staple store use them one day. I figured since the men used the words so loudly in public that they were not bad words. I am sorry. I didn’t know these were bad words. Now that I know, I will never say them again.”

              “Well then,” Tobias said, “This is an important lesson for all of you young ladies today. These words are not words that young ladies should use. Sometimes men folk will use those words, although they should not be using them in the presence of women or children. Desire, I am sorry you were exposed to these words. What an excellent way to begin our class today, with one lesson complete. Does anyone have any questions? Are there any other words you are unsure of?”

              He turned to Desire and motioned for her to go back to her seat. As she walked back to her seat, she could see the look of surprise and contempt on Constance’s face.

              “Constance? Do you have any other concerns that we can all learn from?” She shook her head, partly to say ‘no’ to Tobias, and partly because she could not believe what just happened!

Tobias spent the rest of the lesson to talk about balancing the role of motherhood with being a good wife. Desire listened half-heartedly. Knowing that most of this was a fraud or some twisted experiment, she found class even more unbearable.

              When Bible study was over, Desire got up to leave immediately, not wanting to stay behind to talk with anyone. Ruth motioned to her, but she was already heading upstairs. As she exited the church, she stood on the top step for just a moment, scanning the area, hoping to spot Johnny. Just as she was about to descend the stairs, she felt something shove her from behind. She lost her balance and tumbled down the hard stone steps. She blacked out part way down.

              Bright light blinded her as she opened her eyes. She saw Tobias’ face and a few other people standing around her. Her head hurt badly and she was trying to remember what had happened. She heard voices around her.

              “Get her mother quickly, she may need to go to the Clinic!”

              “Get some water and a cloth! There is a lot of blood.”

              “Desire, can you hear me? Can you talk to me, child?” It was Tobias. He looked so worried. Her head hurt badly and she felt something running down her face. She slowly sat up with Tobias supporting her and she looked down. Blood trickled into her lap.

              “Quick! Bring that cloth here,” someone shouted, although she didn’t know who. As she tried to make sense of it all, she heard his voice. “Everyone step back now.” His voice was gentle, but commanding. When she looked up, she saw Johnny coming toward her. He reached down and in one easy motion picked her up off the ground and carried her back into the church. He whispered into her ear and although she couldn’t really make out what he said, she knew she was going to be alright.