Who He Is (FireNine, book 1) (38 page)

I stared into his light-blue eyes and he fixed his mouth to say something, but it took only a second for him to shut it and nod with a sigh. “Well, I’m just gonna head back and get my things. We can catch up later.”

I nodded and he turned around, hurrying for his dressing room. Ben finally came down the hall with the blond-haired man in the suit, and I was more than relieved to see him. As I started walking his way, though, the curtain pulled back and my heart literally dropped. I don’t know if it’s possible to have your heart drop out of your ass, but that’s what I felt was happening to me.

He was glorious, as always. His hair was still the same—maybe a few inches longer. More tousled than I’d ever seen it before and a few pieces were spiked up, but it looked amazing on him. He was lean in a black FireNine T-shirt with bright-red print. His dark-blue jeans were snug and as usual, he had Chuck Taylor’s on his feet.

He saw me and paused on his next step, just as I had. His hazel eyes narrowed as he looked me over from head to toe. The smile that was on his lips from the raving crowd evaporated and the corners of his mouth turned down. His eyebrows stitched and then he folded his firm, creased arms, making his body ink as clear as day beneath the fluorescent lights. Roy stepped back last and stopped beside him, taking in the sight of me as well. He was about to say something to Gage, but before he could, Gage said something to him and Roy shook his head, walking away.

As soon as Roy was out of sight, I
looked at Gage again, but he was still staring at me. His eyes were still narrowed, his chiseled jaw ticking. I knew he wasn’t going to say anything first, so I murmured, “Hi, Gage.”

“Eliza,” he scoffed, dropping his arms and stepping around me to head for his dressing room. Some girls were already waiting backstage and as he passed them, he winked at them, blew kisses, and even pulled one of them in to wrap her in his arms while kissing the corner of her mouth. My throat burned, watching him walk away leisurely with the girls. Ben caught the little act between us and his eyes filled with guilt as he watched Gage step into his dressing room and slam his door behind him.

Ben looked at me with sorrow-filled eyes and I shrugged my shoulders as if I didn’t care, but deep down, it hurt. Deep down, I felt like someone had just knifed me—twice. I knew this was going to be fucked up. I just knew it. I should’ve just told Ben to pick me up from my dorm… but either way, I would’ve had to see Gage. Ben rode with the band to get here and it sucked I had to ride back with them.

Teala came up to me, grinning like an idiot. “That Grendel… I swear he’s so fuckin’ hot.”

I rolled my eyes, turning my back to her. I grabbed another water bottle from the table and shut my eyes briefly. I just wanted this night to be over with already. I wanted to go home and pretend I didn’t see the hate in Gage’s eyes.

I wanted to pretend, but it would have been impossible. The hate was clear. He was upset with me and he wasn’t going to get over it… not until we talked. But I didn’t want to talk. I just wanted to be friends…

Okay, that was a stupid thought, but I couldn’t go back to what Gage and I were before. If I were to go back to it, it would be just like hurting him again. And I didn’t want to hurt him. As much as I couldn’t stand him for the song he sang or even his attitude toward me, it would’ve been wrong of me to bring more pain upon him.

In the back of my mind, I knew I deserved his hatred.

After Ben and I dropped Teala off at some after-party and grabbed my bags from the dorm, we were on our way back to the truck. During the whole ride back to the stadium to pick up the boys, Ben and I were silent. I was speechless. Seeing the anger in Gage’s eyes made me relive all we’d gone through and how much he hated my decision. Ben knew it as well, which was why he kept quiet. He didn’t know how to make me feel better, but he didn’t need to. I didn’t really care.

Lies
.

The most awkward part about the night was riding home with the band. I shared a few laughs with Montana, but each time my laughter filled the car, Gage would shudder, his jaw would tick, or he would tell the driver to turn up the radio. I took in the small things he did. It was as if every single sound I made pissed him off. I was sure even my presence pissed him off.

“Try not to let him get to you,” Montana whispered.

I shrugged him off, staring out the window, ready for the ride to be over. The times I wasn’t staring out the window, I would unnoticeably stare at Gage. I was in the very back row with Montana and Deed. Deed had fallen asleep with headphones on, his forehead pressed against the window, and Montana was too busy with his nose in his phone to see me. Roy and Gage were sitting in the second row of the car. Ben was in the front seat with Stan, our driver.

I took the quiet time to study Gage all over again as the flickering lights from the passing cars danced across his face. His features were stern and aggravated, without a doubt, but all in all, he was breathtaking—his chiseled jaw, pointy, slightly crooked nose, full and plush pink lips, perfectly tousled hair. A light trace of stubble surrounded his mouth, and he would randomly lick his bottom lip while shifting and trying to get comfortable in his seat. As he rested his head on the window and stared out, his neck was exposed and I had the urge to lean forward and kiss it. His lightly tanned skin looked so smooth, so creamy. I wanted to touch it, caress it… maybe even lick it.

I was a fool, I know, but he was completely irresistible. It was hard not to stare at the man who’d taken my virginity and brought me into womanhood. The man who effortlessly made me smile, made countless butterflies thrash in my tummy, and the first man outside of my father who told me he
loved
me. There was no way in hell he hated me. The love I used to see in his eyes was all too strong and it’d only been eight months since the last time we saw each other. Love couldn’t fade that fast… could it? I sure as hell loved him. The feeling had to be mutual.

It wasn’t too long before we pulled up to our house and everyone groaned and stretched before hopping out. Gage and Roy stepped to the side as Montana, Deed, and I walked after Ben to get to the house.

As Ben unlocked the door and we stepped inside, I looked over my shoulder at Gage and Roy still standing outside the truck. They weren’t talking, just leaning against it, arms folded. I frowned, wanting to blast the both of them, but I held off. It would have been awkward for him to come inside anyway.

“Glad we’re here. I had to take a serious piss,” Montana said, running his wet hands across his shirt as he reentered the living room.

I smiled, lowering myself onto the recliner, but before I could settle and get comfortable, it registered that my bags were still in the truck. I thought about asking for a favor from one of them, but Montana and Deed got comfortable on the sofas and Ben had trailed off into his bedroom. I sighed, hopping from the couch and stepping outside.

I left the door cracked, but my
gaze was forward, staring at Roy and Gage who were standing at the curb, talking.
Good.
His back was facing me and he wasn’t near the truck. It saved me a moment of awkwardness.

I quietly walked for the back door and gave another greeting to Stan
, who only smiled, his eyes extremely tired. I told him I needed my things and after I’d grabbed them, Ben came out, yelling for Roy and Gage to stop standing outside like idiots.

I froze then, slowly unthawing and hooking the strap of my bag on my shoulder. I turned gradually and met Gage’s hazel eyes, but unlike my confused glare, his was hard and intense. Ben came rushing my way, helping me with my bags and art supplies.

“They’re staying the night?” I asked so only he could hear.

Ben’s lips pressed, his gaze lowering. “I’m sorry, Liza. It’s only for tonight. They thought it was best not to waste money on a hotel and to just stay at my place until it’s time for them to go tomorrow.”

I scowled, slamming the door and rushing for the house. It was a bitchy move on my part. I was never one to be selfish, but with Gage, it was a completely different scenario. I couldn’t be under the same roof with him. We weren’t on good terms and I wouldn’t have been comfortable in my own home with him around watching me with angry eyes.

I slammed my bedroom door behind me, but moments after, there was a knock. “Just leave it in front of the door, Ben,” I called, sighing as I slumped down on the edge of the bed.

I heard something drop outside the door, but after that it was silent. The TV was still on and the front door shut, letting me know Gage and Roy were inside. But then my stomach grumbled and I cursed myself over and over again for not eating before getting home.

Sighing, I slipped out of my outfit and found a pair of pink pajama shorts and a white tank. I tossed up my hair, wrapping a band around it, and then paced in front of my window for about ten minutes before clutching the doorknob. My heart beat a mile a minute as I twisted it and peered out into the dark hallway. I could see the flickering of the TV from the living room and I could also hear snoring. I hoped the snoring belonged to Gage.

As I shut my door behind me, I literally tiptoed my way toward the kitchen. Knowing he was around, the hallway seemed longer and darker than ever before. It was almost like it was closing me in and my lungs were forcing themselves to function. I felt like every step could be heard along with the banging of my heart. The worst part about it was in order to get to the kitchen, I had to pass the living room. Ugh. I loved that house, but at this moment, I hated the setup more than anything.

I passed the living room slowly and saw bundles of covers. I couldn’t make out who was where with the flickering lights of the TV, but I did see four comforters and sheets with what looked like bodies beneath them. I sighed then, hoping they were all sleeping after an exhausting night of singing and playing instruments.

But then I stepped into the kitchen… and
he
was right there, sitting on a stool at the island counter. His elbows were planted on the tan marble counters, his hands on either side of his head, and he was staring down. He was hunched over, so I couldn’t see his expression, but I could see him biting at his bottom lip.

I almost gasped, but I held it in. I was about to turn around, but heavy hazel eyes locked with mine and I stopped in my tracks. At the sight of me, his eyebrows drew in, creases forming in his forehead. The biting on his lower lip stopped and then he pushed from the counter, marching toward me with heavy steps.

A million things raced through my head. I thought he was going to grab me, shake me, and yell at me for what I did to him. I thought he was going to tell me I was the worst person on the planet and he hated me… but neither of those happened.

Instead, he cupped my face and our lips collided. His tongue immediately slid into my mouth and my lower back bumped against the nearest counter edge. I tangled my fingers in his hair and groaned as his grip around my face tightened, but it wasn’t too tight to hurt me.

Pleasure burned through me and my arms locked around his neck, trying to pull him in closer, but it was impossible. We were so close; I could feel his cock growing harder by the second. His tongue traced the roof of my mouth, my upper lip. I didn’t dare break the kiss because it had been so long. It’d been months since the last time I kissed anyone. Gage was the last person I had my lips on and I missed it so damn much.

His lips were so velvety, so smooth. As I gripped his face, it was baby soft except the stubble surrounding his mouth. He grunted as he squeezed me, pulling me into him, rocking his massive erection against me. He then lifted me up on the counter, breathing rigidly, uncontrollably. His fingers ran over my shoulders, my hips, my thighs. One of them found its way beneath my shorts and slid into me. I gasped, but our lips remained locked. God, I missed this. It felt so good.

Gage groaned, pumping his finger into me, adding another while circling his thumb across my throbbing clit. I was getting higher, my body begging for more. I wanted the arousal thrusting against my leg to be inside me, burying deep, pumping hard… punishing me. Accepting me. I no longer had any self-control and it was always like this with Gage. Whenever I was around him, he had complete control over my body. He could do anything to me and I would enjoy it. I wanted him in every way possible, but it was like he was trying to hold back.

But as all this pleasure burned through me, I realized something wasn’t right. He pulled his fingers out and trembled, fighting with himself, until finally he snatched his lips away.

The fire in his eyes was intense, shocking. I could still see the aggravation behind them, the hurt, but then he blinked it all away and released me, taking a step back. He blinked again and then ran the top of his arm across his lips roughly, almost like he was getting rid of the hot kiss we’d just shared.

He opened his mouth as if he wanted to speak, but then it clamped shut instantly. Tears formed at the rims of his eyes as he shook his head, blinking hard. I couldn’t help but notice the thin bags beneath his eyes, the redness surrounding his eyelids. It was almost like he’d been crying, but I wasn’t too sure because it could have easily been a sign of a lack of sleep.

“I want that kiss to be a reminder of what we could’ve had but what you ended up leaving behind,” he finally said, his voice deep, unfamiliar, and gravelly. “I still can’t fucking believe you, Eliza. I—I… Fuck, man!”

I flinched as he went back for his alcohol and swallowed it down before slamming his glass down. He then walked past me, brushing my shoulder as his spicy cologne whiffed past my nostrils and filled my lungs. I hated how he led me on—got me worked up and anxious for his hard, delicious body—but nothing happened. Nothing came out of it.

But then I thought it was probably how he felt after opening up to me. After telling me things he never would have told anyone. After spending so much time together and falling deeply in love, it fell flat in the end and we went nowhere… because of me. I let him down and displeased him and he was returning the favor. He was showing me how it felt to be left wide open and end up with no kind of closure.

And the crazy
part about it was I wanted to chase after him and drag him to my bedroom. I wanted to satisfy both him and myself. I wanted to apologize a million times between rough kisses, but I knew my apology would mean nothing to him. I was sure by now, he was pretty much done with me and it was best that way. It was best for him to move on because I wasn’t done yet. I still had work to do and I was sure by the time I was finished and graduated with a well-paying job, he would be with someone else… someone worth his time.

That someone just wasn’t me.