Who He Is (FireNine, book 1) (34 page)

I choked again and then I broke into a sob. He looked me over, his eyes just as sad as mine
, stinging with tears. I tried to pull away, but he held on. I wanted him to let me go, but more than anything I wanted to stay in his arms. I just wanted him to hold me. I never wanted to leave him, but I knew in only three days I was going to have to and it was going to crush both of us. His thumbs brushed my cheeks and then he pulled me forward to kiss my cheek.

“I know you love me, Eliza,” he whispered. “I love you. I’m
in love
with you. And tonight I wanna prove it.”

More tears fell as Gage stood and picked me up with him. He stepped out of the tub with me in his arms and went for the bedroom. More candles were flickering in the large room. They danced across the walls behind my blurry eyes. I hated crying. I felt so weak
. What I really wanted to do was smile and enjoy my night with him.

Gage laid me on the bed, kissing my forehead repeatedly as he parted my legs with his knee. He stared at my tearstained face
, but his eyes adored me, as if he found me more beautiful than ever. His kisses started at my cheeks, my nose, and then my lips. He kissed my lips repeatedly, cupping my face. Ed Sheeran was still on repeat and my tears thickened, but he simply brushed them away with his thumb.

Damn it, why couldn’t I stop crying? Was it because I knew what I
felt wasn’t fake? Was it because I knew that even though he wanted me to stay, I would have to leave anyway? Thinking about the last question brought more hot tears to my eyes. I had a scholarship. I couldn’t lose it. I worked too hard for it.

He looked past
my tears, placing his lips on mine over and over again. He then moved southward, kissing my collarbone, my chest, slowly licking each nipple, kissing the cave in stomach, my belly button. He got to my sweet area and kissed me there, too. My toes curled as he kissed my thighs, my knees, and even each toe. I giggled at that one, and soon my tears evaporated.

He stood from the bed, dug in his bag for a condom, slid it on, and then climbed between my legs again. I expected him to go straight for it
, but he didn’t. Instead, he kissed me deeply, delicately, as if I were fragile and he might break me. I ran my fingers over the ridges of his abdomen and the tight curves of his arms. He groaned, kissing my neck and causing my head to fall back.

“I’m making love to you tonight, Eliza,” he whispered in my ear, his voice heavy and husky.

My throat tightened, but I swallowed all emotions and nodded my head, bringing his face to mine again. I kissed him, pulling his body against mine so no space could be between us. I wrapped my legs around him, clinging to him for dear life, as if he would just randomly leave me.

He slid inside
me slowly, pulling his lips away to get a look into my eyes. I stared back as the full feeling consumed me, causing a moan to brush past my lips. His eyes were soft with an edge of steel as he focused on every emotion that took hold of my face. This wasn’t like it was when he took my virginity. I thought that was the best time of my life, but I was wrong. This was better because this wasn’t just sex. This was
love
. Fiery, intense love, and I was enjoying it. He groaned as he thrust into me, stroking as gently as he could and lifting my leg around him to bury himself deeper.

He lowered himself, his fingers sliding up my arm to get tangled with mine. His other hand was in my hair as he kissed me over and over again. I could tell he wanted to let go, that he wanted to just release. By the glazed look in his eyes
, I saw it coming, but he squeezed my hand and continued until I was there. Until I screamed his name, dragged my fingernails through the creases of his back, and moaned into his mouth.

He emptied himself
right after me, grunting against my neck and shuddering a dozen times. Sweat spilled from his body and onto mine as he fell on top of me, both of us breathing heavily. His fingers were still tangled with mine. His breath trickled onto my neck and my ear, and I was completely satisfied with him against me.

I tangled my fingers through his hair and after a few moments, he whispered something to me that almost made me cry again. It was heartfelt, deep, and I knew he meant it.

“I love you, Eliza.”

“I love you, too,
Gage. So much,” I whispered.

He seemed content with my reply because he leaned up on his elbow, kissed me while cupping my face, and then fell onto his back beside me with a heavy sigh. He was staring at me for a while
, and I grabbed his hand again. He brought up his hand, my fingers still entwined with his, to kiss my knuckles, his gaze deep.

Caring.

Sincere.

Loving.

I couldn’t look away.

Finally
, he turned his head, but his fingers were still laced with mine. He stared at the ceiling as if in deep thought, but then his eyelids grew heavy and soon they shut. His panting transformed into even breathing, his chest sinking and rising. I knew he was about to fall asleep, but I had one question I really needed an answer to.

“Gage?” I whispered.

“Hmm?” He sounded restless.

“Why was it so hard for you to take my virginity?”

His breathing picked up again as he tensed. I held on to him tighter, listening as his heartbeat sped up. “I don’t know… My sister, I guess,” he murmured. I remained quiet, hoping he would continue, and surprisingly he did. “She was raped when she was eighteen. I hated that it happened to her because all she used to talk about before it happened was how she couldn’t wait to meet the right guy and give herself to him. She said it was going to be the best feeling in the world.” His voice cracked and my heart ached for him, holding on even tighter. “There was one night when she was crying about it and I tried to comfort her. She told me to promise her to never take a girl’s virginity unless I was planning on loving that girl.” My heart skipped a beat, and then he kissed my forehead. “I didn’t know if I was ready to face love with you, Eliza,” he whispered.

I nodded my head, completely understanding. I didn’t know either and now that he explained it, it made me feel much better. That night when he took my virginity
, I knew he loved me. He was falling for me even more while taking my innocence away. It comforted me to know he loved me way before I’d even given thought to it.

Sighing, Gage kissed my forehead again. I knew he didn’t want to talk about it anymore
, so I kept quiet, listening as his breathing evened out again. Ten minutes had passed and he’d become completely still. The tension faded, letting me know he’d fallen asleep.

I turned on my back, staring up as the ceiling spun above me. More tears threatened to spill
, but I bit them back, begging my body to hold off. Unfortunately, my body worked against me, knowing I needed to let it out. My heart knew just as much as my mind did that in less than seventy-two hours, Gage and I were going to go our separate ways. He was opening up to me so much and I didn’t want to let it go.

It killed me to know I would be leaving all of this behind
, and the tears grew heavier, but I made sure not to sob. I didn’t want to wake him. I didn’t want him to know I couldn’t stay. I was getting his hopes up by not telling him, but… I just couldn’t. The look in his pleading eyes squeezed my heart and tore me apart. He was going to expect me to stay with him for the rest of the tour, but that wasn’t going to happen. I had to get back to my own life. To reality. I had to go back to school, study, and get my degree. I had to make a living for myself, and I couldn’t do that with Gage—not when he was going to constantly be on the go. Not when he had his own dreams to chase and his own accomplishments to take care of. Maybe in the future we could work something real out, but right now, we weren’t ready. I wasn’t ready.

We lived two completely different lives and it was unfortunate that I couldn’t be a part of his like he wanted me to be. I couldn’t be by his side
at all times, even though it was all I wanted. I had to put my priorities first and that was school. I refused to be like my mother, who dropped out of college. I wanted to be better than her and prove to myself that I could do it.

At least Ben was right about one thing between Gage and me. I’d found out the truth from Gage. I knew how he really felt about me. I knew how I felt about him as well. It was too strong not to feel. He pull
ed me in each day, with each smile and each hug. Each tender kiss and each moment we shared together. It sucked that at the end of all our fun, it was going to hurt him to watch me leave. I didn’t want to hurt him and knowing we were going to have to part ways was already ripping me in two. I didn’t know exactly what he would do, how he would handle my decision once I told him. I really didn’t want to say good-bye at all. I just wanted to leave… but I knew that would hurt him and break his heart even more.

I broke down then, facin
g the truth. On Sunday, the morning after their show, I was leaving to work for my own future, and I didn’t know when I was going to see Gage Grendel again.

And damn it, it killed me.

I watched Gage sleep for most of the night. He always looked so peaceful when he slept. He mumbled a few names in his sleep. One was mine (and at the sound of it my heart thumped rapidly with delight) and the others were Kris and Mom. I worried he was having a nightmare because he started shaking and grumbling beneath his breath. If I weren’t mistaken, a tear had fallen while he was still sleeping.

I reached for him immediately, shaking him out of h
is slumber. He inhaled deeply, his eyelids fluttering open as he clutched my hand. “It’s okay, Gage. I’m still here,” I whispered, stroking his hair. He was still panting uneasily, staring into my eyes. His were glistening beneath the pale moonlight, and I sighed. “What’s wrong?” I asked.

He
shook his head, blinking rapidly as he pushed on his elbows to sit up. “Uh… nothing. Just a nightmare.” He sighed, running a rough hand through his hair. I studied him thoughtfully, my head tilting.

“Do you wanna
talk about it?”

“No.
We should probably go back to sleep.”

I frowned. “Gage, please tell me what that was about. You were crying in your sleep.”

“It happens.” He shrugged, his gaze drifting to avoid mine.

I reached for his face, forcing him to look at me. “Tell me,” I whispered, kissing his lips. “Please. I swear I won’t judge you. I have no room to judge anyone, Gage.”

His eyebrows furrowed, his eyes glistening again. He pulled his face away and sighed again, swallowing noisily. He then reached for the sheets to pull them over us again. He pulled me against him and I wrapped my arm around his middle, pressing my cheek against his chest. “I’ll tell you if you tell me why you have PTSD.”

I swallowed but nodded because
, even though he didn’t know it, I’d promised him and myself a long time ago that I would spill something in exchange for some background on him. “Okay. I will. Promise,” I whispered.

Gage sighed, bringing his free hand up to his face and running his palm over it. His back was against the headboard
, and as I looked up, he was staring across the room, suddenly in deep thought.

“Just tell me what you want to
know,” he murmured.

“Tell me about Kristina.”

He stilled for a minute, but I grabbed his hand, assuring him it was going to be okay. “Kristina,” he breathed out, squeezing my hand. “She was my favorite person on Earth… after my mom died.” He paused again, swallowing the emotion. “My mom died when I was four years old, but I swear I remember everything about her. She called me her little prince, her hero. Her miracle.”

“Her miracle?” I questioned curiously. “Why?”

“When I was born, I was sick. I wasn’t as healthy as they thought I’d be. I had heart problems and they’d even told her I probably wouldn’t live past five…” He choked and I squeezed his hand, begging him not to stop. “It was my birthday. I was turning four and my mom threw a huge birthday party for me. She never told me I had a chance of dying—that I was sick. I didn’t find out until I was twelve and the only reason I found out then is because my dad yelled it at me while he was drunk one night. Had I known why she was throwing such a huge party for me, I wouldn’t have relished in it. I would have been bitter, angry at her.”