Where Women are Kings (23 page)

Doctor Seaton was a tall, painfully thin man who smelt of turpentine and had one section of hair that he’d combed over the top of his head. ‘At this stage, everything is fine. We’ll keep monitoring your platelets and levels, so continue to take the medications I prescribed, but baby is doing very well and, actually, now we’re treating you, I don’t envisage any problems at all.’

Nikki wanted to lift the piece of hair out of the way and kiss the top of his bald head.

‘Thank you, doctor,’ said Obi. He kept peering at the door. Elijah was outside, within shouting distance, playing a Nintendo. He’d wanted to come in with them, but then a
boy in the waiting room took his computer game out and they started playing together. It was good seeing him make friends.

‘I also want to start heparin injections for the remainder of the pregnancy. It’s a tiny injection that you can do at home, once a day, just underneath the skin. Most people do it in the skin on their tummy. It doesn’t hurt and it’s a sort of extra treatment to make sure your blood doesn’t get sticky any more.’ He began to write out a prescription. ‘Take this to the nurses and they’ll get you sorted with the injections.’

Nikki took the prescription. All that was needed was a simple injection to thin her blood. She thought of all the tests she’d had, all the times she’d been told that miscarriages were common and it was just one of those things. And then, after Ify, they’d finally been referred to Doctor Seaton. Referred too late to save their daughter – Nikki put her hands over her stomach – but not too late for this baby.

Obi picked up Nikki’s hand and kissed it. She looked up at him. He didn’t say he was sorry but he didn’t need to. She blocked out all his earlier words. Now he had seen their daughter, and heard himself what the doctor said, he couldn’t be angry any more. They just had to concentrate on making Elijah feel safe and loved.

On the way home, Obi turned around in the car to face Elijah. ‘What a great big brother you’ll be,’ he said.

Nikki watched Obi and Elijah all day, the warmth of the air between them. She felt bubbles inside her, the baby beginning to move. Nikki smiled, let her heart grow. This baby was going to make it. They would be parents of two children. A family.

*

The three of them curled together on the sofa, listening to music chosen by Obi: a Cuban band that Nikki had not
heard before. Elijah was tapping his knee with the drums. He seemed so much more relaxed. After his initial reaction to the pregnancy, it crossed Nikki’s mind that he wouldn’t cope at all. But seeing how he calmed down after hearing the news, how he folded the photo, he was nearly back to his usual loving self already and it had only been a couple of weeks since he’d been told. ‘He did react extremely,’ Ricardo had said. ‘But that doesn’t mean he won’t adapt. The news triggered something in him: a rage. It will calm down the more involved he is.’

And Ricardo had been right. After taking Elijah with them to the hospital, he was calmer, and he hadn’t twisted to get away from her touch all afternoon.

‘What’s it like being a big brother?’ he asked.

Obi grinned. He had completely forgotten his anger at Nikki. ‘It’s like having a friend to play with all day long.’

‘Like Jasmin?’

‘Well, yes,’ said Obi. ‘But the baby will be a lot younger, so you will be able to teach him or her things.’

‘But only if your blood doesn’t get sticky,’ said Elijah.

Nikki nodded. ‘That’s right. But, like we told you earlier, I have special medicine for that now. The medicine will stop the sticky blood.’

Obi hooked his arm through Elijah’s. He looked as if he was deciding something. ‘Everything will be fine,’ he said.

Nikki pressed herself towards Obi and kissed him hard on the mouth above Elijah’s head.

‘Jasmin would say that’s gross,’ said Elijah.

‘What about you, Elijah? What do you say? Do you think it’s gross?’ Nikki tickled him, and he smiled and tried to wriggle away.

*

Obi pulled her towards him that night. He rested his hand on her stomach. She exhaled for so long, it was as if she’d been holding her breath for days on end. ‘I’m sorry I kept the pregnancy from you,’ she said. ‘I hated not telling you. I really thought I was doing the right thing.’

Nikki rested her face on his neck. ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered again.

They fell asleep next to each other and, when she woke, his hand was still on top of her stomach. She looked over his shoulder at the books on the nightstand, which were a mixture of adoption books –
Parenting a Challenging Child; When Trauma Affects Behaviour; Underlying Health Issues Caused by Negative Attachments
 – next to his new pregnancy books:
A Normal, Healthy Pregnancy; Attachment Begins Before We Are Born
.

Elijah took the folded-up photo from his trouser pocket and smoothed it out. He looked at the curves and angles, the shapes and shades of the baby. It didn’t look like a baby at all, more like an alien. Mum and Dad and Ricardo kept telling him things that he didn’t want to hear. They told him that the baby Mum had in her tummy might not grow big enough to be born, that it might die. And Elijah didn’t know what to say. There were no words he could think of.

Elijah studied the photograph. He could see the baby’s nose. ‘You have to grow really big,’ he said. And he knew that photos couldn’t hear and even the baby might not have ears yet, but he said it again anyway. ‘You have to grow really big and don’t die.’

And then he curled into a ball on his bed and tried to pretend he was growing in Mama’s tummy. He heard the whooshing, and felt the warm. Then he heard something else and sat up.

The medicine won’t work. When you’re asleep, I sneak into Mum’s body to make Mum sick and hurt her baby. Medicine can’t stop a wizard
.

Elijah pressed the photo to his chest and tried to slow his breathing.

*

Dad was hidden behind the biggest bunch of flowers that Elijah had ever seen. Nikki ran to the door, to Dad and the flowers. Elijah was in the kitchen doing a drawing and trying not to think that his wizard could be eating Mum’s baby.

‘They’re gorgeous!’

Dad poked his head above the flowers. ‘Hi, Elijah. Me and Mum are going to have a quick chat, OK? Then I’ll come and we’ll play football before dinner. I’ve booked Chimichanga’s at seven, and Jasmin and Chanel and Granddad are coming.’ Elijah didn’t answer, but Dad didn’t notice. He heard them talking from the other room, even though they closed the door:

‘He’s fine. He’s been fine all day.’

‘I know. I was so scared about how he’d react. I was scared about how he did react. But since then, nothing. No outbursts; no rages.’

‘And Doctor Seaton was so positive.’

‘I have such a good feeling about it all now, Nik. I’m so sorry about before …’

*

‘I’ll have a margarita please.’ Granddad had studied the menu for ages before choosing.

‘Are you sure, Dad? That has tequila in it …’

‘I’ll have one, too.’ Aunty Chanel didn’t look at the menu once. ‘I always have chicken fajitas,’ she said.

‘I’ll have a margarita, too, please.’ Jasmin had her hair in two pigtails and she’d put five clips on the middle section of her hair.

‘You can’t have a margarita, Miss.’ The waiter looked bored. ‘It has alcohol.’

Jasmin turned to Aunty Chanel. ‘So unfair. All the children in Mexico drink tequila. They have it in their bottles to help
them sleep because everyone knows that Mexico is so noisy because of people playing those annoying pan pipes all day.’ She looked at the waiter and narrowed her eyes. ‘Are you even from Mexico?’

‘Jasmin –’ Aunty Chanel stood up – ‘a word, please.’

Jasmin followed Aunty Chanel, tutting.

Granddad shook his head and then chuckled. ‘She’ll have a lemonade, please,’ he said.

As usual when Jasmin was nearby, Elijah didn’t worry too much about the wizard. He looked at Granddad. Granddad was still looking at the menu and reading out all the words, asking the waiter to recommend a dish.

‘I’ll come back with the drinks, sir,’ he said, ‘and give you more time to choose.’

Obi laughed. He had his hand on top of Nikki’s. ‘He always takes ages deciding. He likes to think carefully about everything.’

‘All wise people think carefully about things,’ said Granddad.

Elijah flicked his head to Granddad’s eyes. Granddad was wise. And clever. He knew everything about Nigeria and lots about stars. And then he realised something important:

Granddad must know about wizards.

*

‘Can we go to the park today?’ Elijah asked. He looked out of the window. It was a beautiful spring day; his favourite kind. Mama’s favourite kind.

Dad looked up at Elijah. Since the baby scan, Dad had been holding Mum’s hand again, and he kissed her all the time, even when Elijah was looking. He put his hands on her belly and they smiled and smiled at each other, as if Elijah wasn’t in the room. As if Elijah wasn’t anywhere. He hadn’t seen Granddad
since the dinner and he hadn’t had any time alone with him. But, even if he was alone with Granddad, he wasn’t sure he could tell him about the wizard. Of course, Granddad might know what to do and be able to help. Granddad would believe Mama and believe Elijah. But bad things would happen if he told.

‘I’m afraid I have to go to work later, and sort out a few things. But when I get home maybe we could play a game?’

Elijah shrugged. ‘OK.’

‘I have to work really, really hard from now on so I can take all my leave when your baby brother or sister arrives.’ He smiled and looked at Mum. The air between them had a force field around it so that Elijah couldn’t understand what the look said. ‘I’m so proud of you, Elijah, how well you’re coping. It’s quite a change to be a big brother.’

Mum looked at Elijah and smiled. ‘We’re very proud of you,’ she said.

Mum’s belly was rounder and rounder, as if it was growing at superhuman speed. Mum bent down and hugged Elijah. He tried to hug her back; he tried so hard. But her belly was getting in the way.

*

Elijah had been waiting for Dad to come up to tuck him in for hours. He heard Dad when he first came in and held his breath, but Dad didn’t rush up the stairs like usual and eventually Elijah had to let out all his breath. He heard Mum and Dad, and the baby inside Mum, laughing from downstairs.

‘I’m sorry,’ Dad said, tucking Elijah’s quilt up around his ears. Dad looked at the bedroom door as if he couldn’t wait to get back to them. ‘We could have a story now, if you want? A very quick one?’

Elijah shook his head. ‘It’s OK.’

‘I’m sorry. Maybe tomorrow. I just have so much to get through over the next few months, before …’ Dad sniffed. ‘Do you smell that?’ Suddenly there was a loud screeching noise. Dad jumped up from Elijah’s bed and ran towards the door. Elijah ran after him. When they got to the kitchen, it was filled with smoke and Mum was standing on a chair with a magazine, fanning the smoke alarm.

‘Sorry!’ she shouted. ‘I burnt your dinner.’

Elijah coughed. Dad ran towards the back door and opened it. ‘Outside!’ he shouted. ‘Come on. Out until the smoke clears.’

But Elijah didn’t want to be sent outside. He felt his head bang and then a creeping in his tummy. He knew that things always happened for a reason; he heard voices telling him:
You caused your baba to die. You cause illness and sickness and death. You cause fires
.

Elijah looked at Mum’s tummy. He tried to use lasers to see what was inside of her. She stroked his hair. ‘Come on; please don’t cry,’ she said. ‘It’s not a bad fire. Just an accident. Come on; let’s wait outside while Dad clears the smoke. The fire’s out now. Don’t cry, Elijah.’ But he wasn’t crying. Not any more. He was looking at her face in the lamplight, the smell of smoke stuck to his insides. Her face was completely clear of freckles. She didn’t have a single one. Not a single freckle! The angels that had been protecting her with their kisses had gone away. He looked at Mum with wet, frightened eyes. His heart thumped. They weren’t protecting her any more. He heard the voice inside him, louder than a smoke alarm:

You frightened all the angels away. Nothing can stop me now. I will kill the baby in her belly. I will kill her too. Just like I killed your baba
.

Elijah,

I’d never known love like I had for you, Elijah, and I could tell that someone wanted to hurt you. Every time I went to the window I noticed the red car, sitting there outside and watching us. Something terrible had changed inside me. All I could hear was people whispering. Shouting. Sometimes the cruelty of life is in its continuation, Elijah. The world carried on. Only I was changed. I became terrified and heard voices, not only from God but the devil himself.

I kept you far away from that window; I would have done anything to protect you. Anything. I watched you curled over and soft, new and innocent. You were unaware of the danger, full of dreams and wide eyes. I was so worried of the damage they might do to you, my perfect little baby, full of goodness and hope. Elijah, my insides were rotting.

I paced the flat with you in my arms, looking at me with wide, wide eyes. You were so hungry, Elijah, and I fed you as much as any woman fed any baby. But it was so hard, Elijah. Making bottles. A thing as simple as that. And, still, you cried and cried. I knew that I needed help. Fear plucked at my insides and sent me spinning. I wanted so desperately my baba and mummy, and my siblings, most of all Rebekah, but there was no way of going home with no husband and
a baby I didn’t care for properly, a baby I loved so much but couldn’t keep safe and warm and full of milk. I wrapped you up in a jumper – one of your baba’s – and we ran outside, past the door with the terrible men and terrible smells, and down the stairwell full of urine and writing and dark corners. We ran all the way to the high street – and running felt different, frantic, like we were running for our very lives from the devil himself. My insides were twisting with every step, my heart pounding like my feet on the pavement. I prayed the entire journey for forgiveness from something I didn’t fully understand. We ran to the only place where I knew we’d be helped. The only place where rotten-on-the-inside women could be helped.