Where Women are Kings (21 page)

‘I would never have kept such a secret from you. Not ever,’ said Obi, and he stood up and left the room without even kissing her cheek.

*

Ricardo was silent for a while on the other end of the telephone when she told him. ‘And have you discussed this? Made any concrete decisions yet?’

Nikki held her breath and closed her eyes. ‘Ricardo, I can’t have an abortion. I’ve wanted a baby all my life. We’re keeping the baby. The doctors say there’s no reason I shouldn’t carry to term.’

Ricardo sighed. ‘But there’s no guarantee.’

‘There’s never a guarantee,’ said Nikki.

‘Well then, congratulations.’ He sighed again. ‘I’ll have a chat with colleagues but this will need handling sensitively. My advice is to not tell Elijah yet – not until you’re showing. But then you should involve him in every way: take him to the scans and everything. If he feels part of this, there’s a better chance that he’ll cope with the arrival of a sibling. I don’t want to scare you unnecessarily but, in our experience, children with Elijah’s traumatic background can be seriously affected by something like this. It will need open and honest communication. Let him know you have a condition, that there’s a small chance the baby might not make it.’ He paused. ‘You should prepare him for the possibility of a loss, even if it’s a small chance. He has to be prepared, Nikki, either way, and of course I hope the doctors are right, that you have this baby, but, either way, it’s going to be hard on Elijah.’

*

Elijah had gone to Jasmin’s house and Daddy was sitting at their table as Obi told him the news. Nikki closed her eyes. She couldn’t take any more negative reactions.

There was quiet for a long time, then Daddy slowly got up from the table, came round the other side and hugged Nikki’s back.

‘A baby!’ he shouted. ‘Congratulations!’

Obi coughed. ‘Daddy, do you not understand?’

Daddy let go of Nikki, went back to his seat, sat down and raised his eyebrows. ‘Understand?’

‘We lost so many,’ whispered Obi. ‘What happened before could happen again. And Elijah – they said it will affect him very badly.’ Obi shook his head. ‘It’s a disaster.’

Daddy laughed. Both Nikki and Obi looked at each other.

‘A disaster?’ Daddy shook his hands in front of him. ‘A baby is never, ever a disaster, no matter how difficult the circumstances.’ His eyes shone. ‘A baby,’ he continued, ‘is a gift from God.’

Elijah couldn’t get to sleep. Mum and Dad didn’t kiss like they used to and they didn’t hold hands. And now they said they were going to postpone the trip to see his grandparents in Wales until summer. He knew something was happening. He’d been watching them closely, but they seemed very far apart, like they weren’t best friends any more. He lay awake for what seemed like hours, his eyes open in the darkness, looking at shadows. He could see the antlers, and the curtains, and the door. He thought about Mum and Dad, and how Dad seemed a bit far away, even when he was in the same room, and how Mum had fewer freckles on her face. Fewer angels’ kisses. For some reason, the angels’ protection was rubbing off a bit. He closed his eyes tight, but Mum and Dad kept popping behind his eyelids, turned away from each other. Then Elijah felt something inside his tummy. Something crawling. His mouth filled with sick. He quickly swallowed and forced all the crawling away. The wizard was gone. He would not let it come back. He would not.

But as the night hours went on, Elijah’s head filled with worries and his tummy filled with crawling.

*

Obi and Nikki were sitting across the table, holding hands. Elijah hadn’t slept all night; his eyes were sore and red. What
had happened? They were holding hands again, so that was back to normal, but Ricardo hadn’t visited for a long time and, even though Obi told Elijah it was good news and nothing to worry about, his mouth had turned completely dry. Had something happened to Mama?

Ricardo’s hair was shaved at the sides. The middle bit was sticking up. He looked worried, even though he had funny hair. And that made Elijah feel worried. Feeling worried was like being a sun with a cloud in front of you, and you couldn’t see the people or even shine. Elijah looked at Ricardo’s face to see what it said. Ricardo noticed him looking at his funny hair and put on a hat that had the words,
Lose weight real quick, ask for Rick
.

‘I’m trying to change careers,’ he said when he saw Elijah watching his hat instead of his hair. ‘You know I love looking after girls and boys, but my job is changing and I haven’t got time to do it properly.’ He looked at Dad. ‘It’s impossible now – so unsafe – nobody has time to do their job as they’d want to and, of course, it’s always the social worker who gets scapegoated at the first sign of trouble.’ He squeezed Elijah’s arm. ‘I’m so happy that you’re all sorted and safe with your lovely family, Elijah. That’s been the best part of my job and, if every child and family I looked after was like you, it would be an easy job.’ He laughed, then he tapped his hat. ‘I have these herbal diet pills from Brazil – completely organic and safe – and I’ve started a small business to sell them to private clients.’ He looked Obi and Nikki up and down. ‘But you, my lovely family, don’t need any. So fit and healthy.’

Mum’s eyes flashed at Dad.

‘Do they help any illness?’

Ricardo laughed. ‘I’m afraid not, Elijah. If they did, I’d be a very rich man.’

The doorbell rang, followed by knocking. ‘Now,’ said Ricardo, ‘I have to talk to Mum and Dad, so Jasmin has come over to play.’

‘Really?’ Elijah looked at Mum. Her face was blotchy.

‘Really,’ she said. She stood up and walked to the door. Jasmin came in with a rush.

‘Hi! Bye!’ said Jasmin running up the stairs and waving her hand behind her head.

Elijah followed her up. He didn’t look back to see what Ricardo was talking to Mum and Dad about, but he thought it might be something bad. The air was thicker than usual and there were shadows in corners.

*

‘You are the best in the class, Jasmin,’ said Jasmin to Elijah. ‘The very best pupil I’ve ever taught and you will probably go on to be an astronaut or the President of the United States. In fact, the most well behaved pupil I’ve ever taught, Jasmin.’

Jasmin was the teacher and Elijah was a girl called Jasmin. She had a blackboard in front of her and was drawing on it in white chalk. ‘Jasmin,’ she said, ‘come here. You can be class monitor and you can be in charge of ringing the lunch bell.’

Elijah walked to Jasmin and made a sound like a bell.

‘Good. You can be the monitor today …’ Jasmin stopped talking when raised voices travelled up the stairs. Elijah heard Nikki’s voice and then Obi’s. He didn’t hear Ricardo’s voice.

‘Wow, they’re talking loud for a meeting.’

Elijah moved closer to Jasmin. His arm was shaking.

‘My mum and dad talked a lot louder than that. Actually, my mum and dad shouted all the time, had blasters every day before my dad moved to America.’ Jasmin looked at Elijah’s face filling up with tears. ‘But your mum and dad are not like my mum and dad. All adults have louder voices sometimes.’

She put her arm around Elijah’s shoulder. ‘Come on. Let’s carry on playing schools. You can be teacher now, if you want.’

After Jasmin had gone, Ricardo was still there at the table and an empty coffee cup sat beside his hand.

Elijah leant towards Mum.

‘Well, I’ve come along today, Elijah, to help Mum and Dad give you some big news. Mum and Dad and I thought it might be even better if we all tell you together. We want to tell you lots of things, so please ask questions as it’s confusing news – even for us!’

Then Mum smiled a smile that didn’t look cheerful at all, and Ricardo stopped tapping his hat. Elijah had heard Mum and Dad talking about Ricardo. Mum and Dad laughed about Ricardo sometimes, and how he once had blue hair. Elijah thought they must like Ricardo a lot, even though they thought he was a little bit odd. Elijah liked Ricardo too. He used to be his best friend of all, but now Jasmin was his best friend of all.

‘Well,’ Ricardo said, before getting a notepad out and putting it on the table in front of him. ‘I’m so happy about how things are going.’ He smiled at Elijah and his smile looked angry, like Mum’s. ‘How are things, Elijah? It’s been a month since I’ve seen you.’

‘I’m good, thank you.’ Elijah’s voice sounded outside even though it was coming from inside him, like it wanted to fly into another room. ‘We went to the aquarium, where I touched a stingray on the back. And I watched a show at Granddad’s called
Frozen Planet
that had a caterpillar that dies every year when it gets really cold and then comes back to life. Granddad helps me collect nature things too.’

Ricardo moved his papers on the table in front of him.
‘Wow,’ he said. ‘Overall, it sounds like you’ve been having a great time.’ Ricardo’s laugh made his hat jump up and down on top of his head. ‘Mum and Dad tell me you’re doing really well, and you’ve settled in completely. Which is great.’

Ricardo laughed again but Elijah didn’t. He suddenly thought of how many other boys there were who were like him, and how many mamas were like Mama, all alone. Ricardo made Elijah feel very happy then a bit sad, quickly. He bit the inside of his mouth.

Mum’s eyes were not looking for his. Usually Mum’s eyes looked for his all the time.

‘First –’ Ricardo smiled and stopped moving his head around – ‘you should know that this could be a very good thing, but it’s completely fine for you to have feelings. You might feel confused, or even angry, and we’re all here to help you to understand what’s happening. Feelings are good. In fact, we are going to arrange for you to do some more playing with Chioma. She’s very good at helping people with their feelings.’

Elijah looked around at them all. Maybe they couldn’t love him because he was so wicked. ‘I don’t need to play with Chioma,’ Elijah said. Mama was hurt. He just knew it. Tears filled his face and dropped on to the table one by one. Mum let Dad’s hand drop like Elijah’s tear and moved her chair even closer, next to him.

‘Elijah, don’t cry,’ she said, pulling him towards her. ‘Everything will be all right.’ But Elijah knew there was something wrong because Mum smelt different.

‘There’s nothing to panic about,’ she said. ‘In fact, I think it’s very good news and I think you will be happy.’ Mum took a bite of the air with her teeth. ‘You are going to be a brother. A big brother.’

And Elijah thought of Mama and a baby, who was not him, growing inside her tummy: a normal baby with no wizard inside it. And she would be able to look after it and she would get better and be able to see him again. The tears stopped straight away.

But then he saw it: the look on Mum’s face. He smelt her as she pulled him back towards her. ‘I’m so glad you’re happy. It’s going to be really great,’ she said, and he suddenly realised. He felt the warm from deep inside her. A real baby inside Mum. Her baby and Dad’s baby.

There was no baby in Mama’s tummy. Mama was all alone.

Mum wanted a newborn baby as much as Elijah wanted Mama. But he couldn’t have Mama. He couldn’t ever have Mama.

Ricardo leant forwards. ‘You might be a big brother,’ he said. He looked at Mum for a long time. ‘But the sad part of this news is that Mum has an illness inside her body which doesn’t make her sick, but it does make it difficult for babies to grow in her tummy. It makes them come out too early for them to live in the world. We don’t think that will happen with this baby because Mum is taking special medicine to help it grow, but it might.’

Dad reached over and put his hand on Elijah’s shoulder.

‘What happens to the baby if it comes out too early?’ Elijah looked at Mum.

Mum was shaking her head.

‘We hope it won’t, but it’s important that we discuss everything,’ said Ricardo. He looked at Elijah. ‘A baby that comes out too soon would be too small to live outside of her tummy. The baby would die, and it would be very sad, but the baby wouldn’t suffer.’

The ground suddenly moved and everything swirled
around Elijah’s head. Why was Mum ill? She had always been healthy before. Illness. Death. It followed Elijah everywhere. This was the work of the wizard. If the baby died, then it would be his fault. The wizard’s. And, if the wizard failed, then the baby would grow inside Mum where Elijah had never ever been. A baby who they would love and look after. A baby would have his bedroom and he would have to go back to Nargis’ house and Darren would burn him with his cigarettes and everything would be FIRE and he would melt the whole world and suddenly he was screaming and screaming and screaming and, even though he was screaming, he could see Dad move back in his chair and raise his hands up and he could see Nikki’s hands cover her mouth. He could see the look between them that he caused, full of fire and hate and burning hell, and he shouted and shouted with no words. This was the wizard. It must be the wizard. Everything was spinning. He tasted blood and in his ears was ringing and he felt pressed up high against the ceiling, looking down on his own head, then falling, falling quick so his stomach flipped and flew up inside him. His chair threw itself against the wall with a bang and everyone reached towards him, but they were too slow for a wizard, and Elijah watched as a tower of plates by the sink crashed to the floor, a million pieces, sharp and dying, screeching out at him, and he looked down at his hands, full of pieces cutting into his skin then flying across the room.

He could feel Ricardo’s arms around him as he thrashed and bit and screamed and punched and finally he cried and cried and Ricardo carried him up the stairs, holding his body so tight.

‘Shhh. It’s all right,’ he whispered. ‘It will be all right, Elijah.’

But in the background Elijah heard Dad’s voice change to evil, and say, ‘This is your fault,’ to Mum, and he knew that nothing would ever be right again.

*

After Ricardo left, Elijah felt the wizard walking around inside him once more, like it had shrunk itself and was trying to escape. Coldness spread around. He tried to block the wizard in by pinching his nostrils and holding his hands over his ears but, that night, the nightmares were back. He dreamt of Babylon the Great, the Mother of Prostitutes and Abominations of the Earth, and woke up screaming and scratching and Mum and Dad came in and shushed him and stroked his hair until he fell back asleep and the whispering in his ears was gone and replaced with shouting: