Where the Truth Lies (21 page)

chapter twenty

Over the next few months, I get pretty good at pretending that things are normal in my life. Ethan and I go out together most weekends. He is different from Del in every way imaginable. Last year, at a Halloween party off campus, Del and I went dressed as Adam and Eve. The apple tattoo on his arm was a nice touch. This year, Ethan and I stay on campus for Halloween and go to the homecoming dance dressed as—who else?—Clark Kent and Lois Lane.

But it’s not just the physical differences, Del’s wiry build and blond hair compared to Ethan in all his muscled, tall-dark-and-handsome glory. There are so many personality differences that it’s hard to believe I’ve dated both of them. It’s hard to believe how much I care for both of them. Del was sneaky and brilliant to the point where even I didn’t actually know him. And the more I get to know Ethan as his girlfriend, the more I realize that he is genuinely kind and honest and compassionate. He rarely drinks; he isn’t exactly the greatest at holding his liquor. He’d never dream of smoking.

We are together all the time, but things are progressing slowly. When we’re alone, I’m always afraid of him getting too close. The idea of sex feels vulgar to me. I’ve been pregnant and had a child; my body does not feel like a teenager’s so much as it does a woman’s. I remember what it’s like to carry a baby and to give birth. I have had physical experiences that none of my peers can even imagine. They were experiences I never wanted or asked for, but I can’t get them out of my head.

Since we’ve been dating more than four months, the topic of sex has naturally come up. I told him that I wasn’t comfortable with it. I told him that what happened with Del was a mistake that I regret more than anything. True to form, Ethan respected my decision. He didn’t ask questions.

I try not to think about Del. But sometimes at night, when I’m taking out my contact lenses before bed, I slide them to the side and stand in front of the mirror, willing myself not to blink them back into place, just to remember how it felt that first night.

Can you see me?

No.

I can see you.

I know now what he was really talking about. He saw so much more of me than I knew.

Since I’ve been dating Ethan, things between me and Stephanie have been fine. I’m following all of her rules, even though they’re ridiculous, and life has been relatively calm. There are the nightmares that I’m still having, not only about my childhood and the father I never knew, but now about my own baby, the sound of her cries as she was taken away from me. And there’s the worry that eats away at me from not knowing where Del is, whether or not he’s safe, or if he will ever show up to see me. And if he does—what then? There’s the fact that I can barely even look at my father, who isn’t really my father. There’s the fact that I’m still haunted by so many questions that there aren’t answers for. What about the water in my dreams? My mother’s response just didn’t seem to cut it.

By January, after a brutally awkward winter break at home with my parents, Connecticut has a constant blanket of snow covering everything in sight. All of the students are used to the intense cold; we trudge up to school in boots and coats lined with down; we sleep with three blankets to keep warm in the drafty old buildings; we carry premium lip balm and moisturizer pretty much everywhere and stay indoors as much as possible and get used to being shocked on a regular basis from all the dry friction.

But just after we get back from winter break, there’s a brief warm snap. It lasts only about a week. By “warm” I mean that the temperature climbs into the fifties. All the snow melts; you can actually
feel
the sun as you’re walking to school. So, figuring we should seize the day while we still can, the seniors decide to have a beach party in Groton, at—where else—Amanda Stream’s family’s summer house.

Amanda’s parents are, of course, not in town. With no supervision all weekend, things get a little crazy. There is a huge bonfire on the beach. Inside the house, someone has somehow (I suspect Franny through Mr. Henry, who she’s
still
seeing) gotten ahold of four kegs. By midnight, the house and the private beach behind it are both full of drunken teenagers.

Ethan and I have been inseparable all night. I feel so comfortable and calm around him. He is so much safer than Del, so much softer in a way. I love that he is genuine and sweet and giving. I love that he does not keep secrets from me. There are times when I feel like I could tell him anything, and he would understand. But, of course, there are plenty of things that I’ll never tell anyone.

We are perched in a lawn chair beside the bonfire. I’m sitting on Ethan’s lap; a huge plaid blanket is wrapped around both of us, and my head is resting on his shoulder as we alternately sip from the same beer. When it’s gone, Ethan nudges me. “Want to go for a walk?”

“Sure,” I say.

With the blanket still wrapped around our bodies, arms around each other’s waists, we walk to the edge of the property. It’s a beautiful night, cool but not too cold. The moon looks nearly full, and reflects off the dark water to illuminate a clear sky full of fat, glowing stars.

“Can you believe this?” Ethan asks, taking a seat in the sand, tugging me beside him. “Look at the ocean.”

“It seems endless.”

He knows about my supposedly inexplicable fear of water. He pulls me closer. “I’m right here,” he says. “I’ve got you.”

“Yes, you do.” I kiss him.

“I’m so glad.” He kisses me back. Before I know it, we’re both on the sand, the blanket on top of us, out of sight from the rest of the party.

Things go from warm to hot in a matter of moments. We are both tipsy, sloppy, loving the feel of each other’s bodies.

“Ethan,” I murmur, “we need to stop.”

“I know.” He kisses my neck, slides his hands up the back of my shirt to unclasp my bra. “Believe me, Em, I know.”

I pull back slightly. “Does it bother you?”

He shakes his head. “I told you, I’ll respect whatever you want to do. Whenever you’re ready.”

But what if I’m never ready
? The thought hasn’t occurred to me until now. Things with Ethan are fantastic; they’re definitely serious. Won’t it have to happen sometime?

“I’m not on any birth control,” I say.

He pauses in his effort to remove my shirt. “What?”

The shirt is halfway over my head. “Hm?”

He tugs it all the way off, pulls me even closer so that there’s almost no space between our bodies. He’s already taken his shirt off. We are pressed together close as can be.

He puts his mouth against my ear. “Does this mean you’re thinking about getting on birth control?”

“I didn’t say that. Ethan, just kiss me.”

So he does. As things grow hotter, as his fumbling becomes more deliberate, he murmurs, “I want to tell you something.”

“What?”

“I love you.”

“I know that.” I hesitate only for a moment before responding. I know it’s true. Maybe not the same way it was with Del, but true nevertheless. “I love you, too.”

He’s almost
crying
. “I’ve loved you for so long, Emily.”

I pause. “You have?”

“Yes. And there’s something I want you to know. I don’t want you to feel pressured. But I just think you should know about it, for whenever the time is right.”

He’s slurring his words a little bit, fumbling drunkenly with the button on my pants.

“Okay.”

“I carry a condom with me. All the time. Every time we’re together. So you don’t have to worry too much about birth control. I’ve got it covered. Whenever you’re ready.”

“Good to know,” I murmur, gently tugging his hands away from my pants, holding them in mine.

“Ethan?”

“Yes?”

“We’re drunk. I don’t want to do it tonight. Not like this.”

He sighs, half-yawning. “You’re such a good girl.” The irony to his statement makes me hate myself a little bit. Then he asks, “Em?”

“Yeah?”

“When do you think it will be time?”

“I don’t know.”

He takes a long, deep breath. “All right.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Really, it’s fine. I do love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“Emily?”

“What is it, Ethan?”

“I think I have to throw up.”

The next morning, Ethan realizes that he lost his watch at some point in the evening. We look for it in the sand, but can’t find it anywhere.

Ethan is the kind of guy who
needs
to wear a watch. He can’t stand not being on time, not being on top of life in general. So I decide to buy him one for his birthday, which is coming up on January 15.

Of course, it’s also Stephanie’s birthday. On the evening of the fifteenth, she comes into my room and asks, “What did you get my brother?”

Without looking up, I say, “I’m going to sleep with him. That’s his present. Wild sex.”

“Not funny,” she says. “Seriously, I just got back from the mall with his present. I want to compare gifts.”

I show her the watch I bought him. I’m excited about it; it’s almost identical to the old one, except I’ve had it engraved on the back: it says, “
To E.P. with love, E.M.”

I smile at her. “What do you think? He’ll love it, right?”

Stephanie frowns. “No. I don’t think so, Emily.” When she looks at me, she’s practically glaring.

I’m confused. “Why not? He just lost his watch last week. I was
with him
when he lost it. He needs—”

“I know he just lost his watch. That’s why I bought him
this
.” And she pulls her gift for him out of its bag.

It’s the same watch. I’m not kidding: the same exact watch from the same store.

“It wasn’t just me,” she says. “My mom and I picked it out together. She’s over at Winchester right now, and the
three
of us are going out to dinner tonight.” She gives me a matter-of-fact look. “I guess you’ll be taking that back, won’t you?”

“Steph, no.” I shake my head. “It’s engraved.” And I show her.

She snorts. “Well, that was stupid of you. I mean, that’s even more of a reason why I should give him this one instead. What’s he going to do after you two break up, Emily? He’s not going to want a watch with your initials on it.”

I can feel my cheeks growing warm. “Who said anything about us breaking up? And you know, he invited me to dinner tonight.”

She looks like she wants to smack me. “I said no holidays!”

“It’s your
birthday
, not freaking Christmas! Besides, you’re going to be there, too!”

“You’re taking that watch back.”

I shake my head. “No. I’m not.”

“You’re not coming to dinner with us.”

“Yes, I am. I was
invited
.”

“Well, as the birthday girl, I’m officially uninviting you.”

“I don’t think the birthday
boy
will be too happy about that.”

Stephanie stands up. “You know what? Fine, Emily. How about this? I go to dinner with my mother and brother for our
family
birthday dinner. My mom and I give Ethan the watch that
we
bought him. Then, later on tonight, you can give him the watch
you
bought. And we’ll see which one he wants to keep.”

We are glaring at each other; it’s the first real fight we’ve had since I started dating Ethan. Considering how ridiculous she’s been, I’m surprised there haven’t been more problems before now.

But I know Ethan, and I know he’ll love the watch.
My
watch. So I say, “Fine. That sounds like an excellent plan.”

“Fine.”

“Good.”

“
Good
.” She stands up, clutching the watch she bought tightly to her chest. “I’m going over to Winchester now. I’ll see you later.”

Every time it’s somebody’s birthday, the school makes a cake for the birthday boy or girl to pick up after dinner and take back to the dorm. Since Stephanie and Ethan aren’t here, my roommates and I pick up their cakes for them. I drop Ethan’s off at his dorm, and then Grace and Franny and I walk back to the quad with Stephanie’s.