When I See You (44 page)

"Wow," he whispers. "My God. That's amazing."

"Go to sleep," I say.

"I am," he answers back.

"I haven't confirmed anything yet."

"What's to confirm? I just
felt
it. You're pregnant. You know it. I know it. It's mine. I know that, too."

"I never said that," I say softly.

"I think you did at one point."

"Go to sleep," I say.

"You first."

I turn to face him and wrap my legs around him. "I can't. I'm not tired now."

"Give it a try." I can see his lips curve into a smile even in the darkness, but he keeps his eyes closed. "Jordan. I'm really tired. I haven't really slept in thirty-six hours. If you could, just this once, give me a break. I'd really appreciate it."

"A free pass, huh?" I trail my fingers along his chest and down further.

"Jordan,
please
."

"Okay. One free pass. But that's it, Mr. Wainwright. Tomorrow, you pay up."

*≈*≈*

Chapter 27.
Chances

Brock

Sunlight pierces my eyelids. I wake up at once. A glance at the clock radio confirms we've missed the morning and part of the early afternoon. It's after one. Jordan moves more slowly beside me. She looks surprised and a little disoriented when she turns to me. She scowls in my general direction.

"Don't worry; all we did is sleep. No harm. No foul." I get up and begin rummaging through my rucksack.

"You don't have any civilian clothes," she says.

I glance up in time to watch her disappear out of the room and get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can't watch her twenty-four seven. If she leaves, she leaves. I'm going to have to accept it or get over it. Either way.

Five minutes later, she stands in the doorway and watches me. Her long legs are bare. All she's wearing is the white sweater and pair of lace white panties.
God. She looks hot. But if I tell her this, she might run.

"What are you thinking about so hard?" Jordan asks with a little laugh.

"Honestly? How amazingly hot you look in that sweater and little else."

"Are you going to be like this all day? Should we just take care of that particular part of the discussion now, so we can get on with the rest of it?"

She's carrying a bundle of new clothes. She half tosses them onto a chair and saunters her way over to me.
Holy shit.

"Can I brush my teeth first?" I ask, wary, all at once, and feeling completely out of control. My heart races at about a hundred beats a minute.

"No."

She kisses me hard and my body responds. Less than thirty seconds later, we're on the bed and I'm pushing my way inside of her. Just the sound of her shuddering breath turns me on. She takes me to a new place of wonder. This amazing place in my mind where there's only the two of us. The two of us and no one else.

I kiss her throat and nuzzle my chin into her neck. She laughs and moves beneath me in response. We're synchronized. Together.

I've been with so many women and sex has never been a weak point for me, yet Jordan takes me to this new level of euphoria and I feel powerless. I try to still my mind and concentrate on the physicality of it all, but she's deconstructing me. I don't know where she begins and I end anymore.

Sometime later, she traces a single tear that travels down the side of my face as we finish.

"Christ," I say, embarrassed.

"You're not leaving; are you?" She gets this solemn look as she gazes at me.

"No." I take a deep breath. "I can't. I can't leave you again. I don't think I can survive it. I'm not sure I'll survive if I stay either though." I try to smile, but I'm overcome with too many unidentifiable emotions. "I love you. I've loved you for a long time."

She moves out from beneath me and straddles my waist. She strips off the sweater and drapes her long hair across my face.

"I've loved you for a long time, too." A shadow crosses her features. She looks troubled, guilty even. "Longer than you think." Her voice trembles.

I trace her lips. "You don't have to tell me when. It doesn't matter."

She looks relieved and settles down on my chest and buries her head into my neck. My pulse beats near her temple.

"I'm going to go see Liz. Get an ultrasound. Make sure everything's okay. Want to come?"

"Yes."

She slides off the bed and strolls to the doorway. I put my hands behind my head and watch her go. She turns back and stares at me for a long time.

"The beach that day," she says, uncertain. Then, she leaves.

I inhale deep as I begin to comprehend what she's just said.

≈ ≈

I prepare my speech in the guest bathroom shower.

Jordan, marry me. Not because you need to, but because you want to. I need you, Jordan. I want us to be together. I repeat the words over and over.

I towel off and get dressed quickly after removing the tags from the jeans and dress shirt she's lent me. Everything fits. I wonder where she got the clothes and when she got them.

I wander down the hall. Before I can stop myself, I turn the handle to Max's bedroom. The twin bed's made. The toys are strewn across the floor the way he must have left them last. My throat gets tight. I miss Max. A silver urn rests on the dresser. His ashes? I go over and read the inscription:

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh!" he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. "I just wanted to be sure of you."

~A.A. Milne

I leave everything undisturbed and close the door with a quiet click. Jordan's voice carries down the hallway to me. I head toward the direction of her voice, still somewhat amazed at being able to see her. She's making breakfast. The tantalizing smell of bacon and eggs and coffee greet me. She's talking on her cell phone, but studies my face for a few seconds, and then gets this wide grin.

"Okay, we'll be there within the hour. Thanks for fitting me in." She pauses and looks over at me. "I'll tell him. Okay. I said I would, and I will."

She hangs up the phone and continues to study my face. "So," she says with a shaky breath. "That was Liz. She said to tell you 'hi' and 'welcome home.' In the sense of welcome back to the States," she says quickly.

"I feel like we've taken three steps backward in terms of working everything out," I say with a dry laugh.

"Maybe, we have." She gets this intense look as she flips the eggs. Five minutes later, she places a plate of food in front of me. Her hands shake as she pours coffee in a cup and slides it over to me.

"What's up?" I ask.

"She wants to do an ultrasound. I told her when, you know, it must have happened, but she wants to see me."

"She does."

"Yes. She does."

"And?"

"And, I guess I just want to be sure. You know. Of the due date. That everything's okay." Her eyes fill with tears. "I really
want
this. This baby. Our baby. It doesn't replace Max. It—
she.
I know it's a girl." Jordan gets this little smile, but then it disappears. "She just makes it—"

"I know, baby," I say.

The moment's come. I slide off the chair and go around the counter to be right next to her. She stands there, just watching me.

"Jordan, I—" My practice speech in the shower disappears. My mind draws a complete blank.

"What?"

"I just want to be sure of you," I finally say.

She stares at me with this kind of wonder. "
What
did you just say?"

"I said I just want to be sure of you. I
am
sure of you actually. And, I think you are…sure of me, too."

"What does that mean to you?" Jordan asks wary all at once.

I take a deep breath and sigh. This is not going at all the way I planned or should have planned. "It means I love you. That I need you, here, next to me, for always. It means: will you marry me and live with me for all time? Because I'll be wherever you are, for always. At least, that's what I think it means." I frown, getting more uncertain by her subdued reaction to everything I've just said because she's just standing there in a daze, looking amazed or confused or both. "Jordan, did you hear what I just said?"

"I heard you." She puts down the spatula and folds herself into my arms. After a few minutes, she looks up at me. "I'm sure of you, too, Brock."

"So that's a big yes to everything," I say slowly.

"That's a big yes to everything," she says.

Then, she laughs. It's the best sound I've ever heard.

*≈*≈*

Chapter 28. Dream

Jordan

The plane descends into Austin and almost takes my stomach with it. I grip Brock's hand tighter, grazing up against the gold band on his left hand. He raises my hand to his lips and kisses it. It's been six weeks, since we said I do to each other at the L.A. County Courthouse, but I'm still adjusting to the idea of being Mrs. Brock Wainwright. It still feels weird. A good weird, but weird.

I glance over at Liz across the aisle. She gives me the thumbs up and smiles wide. I smile back at her. I'm giddy, joyous. I can barely contain myself. She and Adrian stood up for us. And now? They're both bound to our secret. Brock and I decided it was best to not announce our own nuptials. Well,
I decided
and begged him not to tell anybody, especially Tate.

"Let's just let it settle a bit before we say anything," I'd said. It's supposed to be Ashleigh's big day in a few months, not ours. He'd looked disappointed for a long while and then reluctantly agreed.

"Janie's not going to be happy," he said with disappointment.

I managed to placate him then and he's been pretty good up until now.

"You need to take that off." I trace his gold wedding ring and slowly pull off my own.

"I don't want to. I meant it. It's for keeps," he says with a little smile.

"
Please
. You promised. Tomorrow's Ashleigh and Tate's big day."

"Tomorrow's Valentine's Day," he says. "I want the world to know you're mine." He gets this devilish, make-me grin.

"It's their wedding day. Let's just wait until they say I do and then we'll tell them. Right after the ceremony. Okay? One more day, basically."

"All right. Fine. One more day," he drawls and looks unhappy.

I kiss him and he kisses me back. Meanwhile, the rest of the passengers prepare for landing while we're making out. I smile beneath his lips.

"What?" Brock asks.

"I should probably stop kissing you. People are going to figure out we're involved. Just know, I want the world to know you're mine, too."

He lifts his head from mine and gets this secret smile. "You are going to have to tell everyone about the baby, though."

"True," I say with a frown.

I'm well into my second trimester, having denied my first. Brock and I will welcome a baby girl in mid-May. I've begun showing more, especially in the past two weeks. I can barely fit into my regular clothes. I resorted to a dress for the plane ride because all my jeans cut too tight across my mid-section.

"It happens like that," Liz said on the flight earlier. "One day, everything fits. The next, you finally feel and look pregnant."

"Thanks for that," I said. "Just what I need, to look pregnant in my Maid of Honor dress."

"Matron of Honor. It's
Matron
of Honor."

"You're killin' me."

"I have never seen you this happy," Liz said.

It's true. I've never been this happy. I've never let myself be this happy. No. The constant fear and worry about something happening to Ethan or Max that always followed me around is no more. Now. I've let it all go. I can't really determine why as of yet. Maybe, the morbid touchstone visits and confrontations with my past have put it all to rest. Maybe, it's Brock. Maybe, it's me. Maybe, it's both of us, together.

Brock breaks my reverie with a heavy sigh as he slips off his wedding ring and hands it to me. I carefully put it inside a zippered pocket inside my purse.

"Thanks," I say. "I love you."

He brightens up at this and kisses the side of my face. "I love you, too."

I absently note that the plane has arrived at the gate, but I'm too mesmerized by the wanting look in Brock's eyes. He's been busy making plans for us to be together at the Lazy J during our stay.

"We can tell them we're dating; right?" he asks now looking worried.

"Sure. I guess so. Dating, huh? You're dating me?
This
I want to see."

He gets this thoughtful look. "We'll work something out. I guess we haven't really done that. The dating thing."